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Seriously, if you can't find what you came here for - send me an e-mail and I'll help you
find it!
   how interesting to just bump
into this article at this time in history... hee hee :) kathleen
In the days since Saddam Hussein's pledge of full cooperation with U.N. weapons inspectors
led President Clinton to cancel air attacks at the last minute, a strong wave of frustration has swept through American news media.
The pattern
is all too familiar, the refrain goes. Yet again, after a tense confrontation, the U.S. government ended up taking yes for
an answer from Iraq's cunning despot.
Many commentators
have griped about the cost of mobilizing and then not attacking. Each time the United States sends a fleet to the Persian
Gulf, the buildup costs another $1 billion or so. What good is repeated deployment of enormous firepower if it isn't used?
Quite a few pundits sounded very disappointed - as if a long-desired ice cream cone was near their lips and then went splat on the sidewalk.
Two days after President Clinton proclaimed that "Iraq has backed down," the most influential newspaper in the
nation's capital - The Washington Post - filled its opinion page with caustic reactions from three prominent syndicated columnists.
Clinton has again proved that he's a wimp, George Will observed from the front lines
of his word processor. The commentator warned against restraint: "U.S. forces should quickly destroy any site, such as a presidential
compound, that inspectors are prevented from examining."
Meanwhile, Charles Krauthammer
wrote that "Clinton was given an extraordinary opportunity to strike a massive blow against Saddam. He flinched." Krauthammer
briefly noted that "the military's estimate of casualties from an initial strike" was "10,000 Iraqi dead" - but who cares? Uncle Sam should strive to "disarm, disrupt and destroy Saddam's regime. A relentless air campaign had a good chance of
doing that."
Liberal Richard Cohen was not to be outdone in the blood - thirst department.
"Both countries backed down - one the world's only superpower, the other a Third World country, short of everything but gall,"
he declared. "Something is out of balance here. The Clinton administration waited too long to act. It needed to punch out Iraq's lights, and it did not do so."
Hypocrisy abounds, but never
mind that. With U.S. support, Israel has violated numerous U.N. resolutions while maintaining its occupations of the West Bank and Gaza as well as Southern Lebanon. Running
weapons facilities that have produced about 200 nuclear warheads, Israel still refuses to allow any international inspection.
The United States invokes the sanctity of the United Nations when useful but ignores that world body whenever convenient - and reserves the right to unilaterally attack Iraq whether the U.N. likes it or not.
Often, the paramount U.S. media concerns have been framed in macho terms. Recent news coverage focused on a question that led off a front-page New York Times article:
"Who blinked?" Many American journalists lamented that Clinton did not entirely stare down Saddam Hussein.
The New York Post scornfully editorialized that Clinton had not been able to "act like a man." The newspaper, owned by Rupert Murdoch, added that "whenever circumstances have demanded that this president rise to the occasion and really be president, he has failed the United States and the world."
Frustrated as they were by the lack of military consummation, cable TV networks and other media outlets were soon able to replace the faded specter of a bloody high-tech assault with audio recordings of Linda Tripp and Monica Lewinsky.
Of course, the telephone tapes couldn't quite be touted as new - the printed transcripts had been
released several weeks earlier - but more nuances were available. The Associated Press echoed the widespread hype by reporting
that the 22 hours of tapes "gave America its first chance to hear Ms. Lewinsky's voice." AP explained that "what was new Tuesday
was the emotion and inflection."
And so it goes. "Emotion" is supposed to matter greatly in some contexts. In others, such as past and future U.S. missile attacks on Iraq, the emotions - in fact, the lives - of people at the other end of U.S. missiles are unimportant.
As
consumers of media images, we're offered one insulated kick after another. We easily slip into spectator mode, vicarious
and detached.
The euphemisms are wrapped in smug bravado and playground posturing. "A relentless
air campaign" is needed. The president should order the Pentagon to "punch out Iraq's lights."
If necessary,
don't spare them. But spare us the grisly details.
Making Goals Work: The Essential Elements of a Goals Program - by John Pellowe
Have you ever had a
goal that just didn't seem to progress? Perhaps a weight loss goal or maybe developing a new market opportunity. "What's the problem with this goal?" you wonder. Why can't you achieve it as you have so many others?
A goals program is a powerful and effective process; so, when you find a goal that seems to be forever beyond your grasp, you must ask some basic questions to get to the real issues.
1. Ask: Do I really want this goal for myself? Proper goal setting technique assumes that our goals are based on our priorities. Sometimes, however, our goals are based on other people's priorities for us or what we believe people think our priorities should be.
For example,
is it really your goal to lose weight, or is it simply something you "should" do? Until it's your own goal, you won't likely accomplish it. It's not really your priority. You aren't committed to it at a deep level. Other things will have greater priority in your life.
Every choice we make is based on improving our condition by gaining a benefit or avoiding a loss. An uncle of mine said he chose to be overweight and happy rather than give up food or endure exercise. A weight loss goal for him would have been meaningless because he valued his comfort more than his health.
Take a close look at your
own values. You may say you value good health, but what do your actual choices show your true values to be? You may say you want to open a new territory, but do your actions support the behavior necessary to do that?
What happens to people in your organization who
take an intelligent risk and "fail"? Perhaps your organization values stability more than it does growth.
Set
goals based on your values. If you find these values limiting, you can choose to change them. (We are of course assuming that all values are within societal norms for ethical
behavior.) Changing a value can be a complex process but it can be done, either personally or as an organization.
2. Ask: Is this goal realistic? In our enthusiasm, we may be setting goals that are unrealistic. Either the time frame or the goal itself may not be attainable. There's a fine line between challenging yourself with a stretch goal and setting yourself up for failure. People with a high sense of urgency will challenge themselves too much, whereas complacent people don't challenge themselves enough.
When I think of a goal, I usually want it right away. After all, why would you want to delay the benefit? In previous years, January has always
been extremely busy, as I've crammed a huge number of action steps into the first month. It's only been more recently that
I've been able to pace the goals throughout the year. Make sure the goal itself is realistic and has a realistic pace for achievement.
3. Ask: Am I focused on
this goal? You may have too many goals. I find that about 3 major goals are enough. In our eagerness to grow, it's easy to set 15, 30 or even 50 goals, depending on your need and your ambition. Focus on the critical few - perhaps two personal and two business. I have all sorts of other "wants" that
I can work on, if I have time and my goals are coming along well. But my energies must be focused on the few critical goals.
4. Ask: What behaviors or attitudes must change for me to reach this goal? Obviously, something has to change. Usually, our goals are tangible, achieving some thing or experience. A tangible goal is measurable and you know for sure when you have achieved it. Examples would be achieving a certain weight or taking a vacation
at a specific resort.
However, the most important goals are the intangible goals, which involve being (some type of person). To live a healthy lifestyle or have healthy attitudes are intangible goals. So is to be a peaceful person or an excellent manager. Intangible goals tend to be about building character.
To achieve our tangible goals we must often first achieve an intangible goal. This will provide the growth necessary to achieve our tangible goals. So for the stubborn goals, take a close look at how you as a person need to grow in order to achieve it.
Any time a goal appears to be continually beyond your grasp, it's time to reassess both yourself and the goal to determine where the obstacle really is. If you find the goal is worthwhile to you, is realistic and is a high priority, then focus your attention on it, identify what the real obstacles are and develop a new plan to achieve it.
For a problem corporate goal, the questions will be similar, but draw the team into the analysis. Ensure all systems within the organization support the goal or are changing to support it.
Assess your
problem goal at http://www.canlead.com/goal_program_audit.htm
Let us not, in the eagerness of our haste to educate, forget all the ends of education.
William Godwin
Girls
grow up wanting to please and be liked by others, a pattern that fosters emotional dependency and puts them at greater risk for depression later in life, according to a study in the December issue of Journal of Health and Social Behavior.
Those childhood patterns of
emotional reliance can be changed, lead author Heather A. Turner, PhD, a medical sociologist at the Univ. of New Hampshire, tells WebMD in an interview. "Women
are less prone to depression as they gain more education, greater social status and more job prestige."
However, adds one clinical
psychologist at UCLA, genetic factors tied to personality traits - as well as hormonal changes - may also play a role in women's high vulnerability to depression.
Scholars have long acknowledged differences in socialization for males and females, says Turner. "Boys and girls grow up developing different assumptions
about the world and their relationships. The development of a girl's self-concept seems to be more closely linked to feedback they get from people in their immediate social network.
A sense of 'how I'm doing'
is based on how they think others that they know, respect, love and value - think they're doing."
While there's some evidence
that those appraisals are important to boys, too, Turner tells WebMD, "there also is an emphasis on evaluating themselves with broader social comparisons - achievements
in the wider world, like athletic and academic achievements."
Because women have a tendency
to be more concerned with others' opinions of them and have a greater desire to please and be liked by others - it creates emotional reliance, which makes them more vulnerable to depression, says Turner.
Among women, the link between
emotional reliance and depression is 2 1/2 times greater than it is among men, the study says.
"I wanted to find out if there's
something else going on, not simply socialization processes but something in the adult world that made it more detrimental
for women to be emotionally reliant," says Turner. "That's when I looked at things like education and occupational prestige."
The researchers interviewed
1,393 adults - between 18 and 55 years old - living in Toronto. Among the factors they took into account were marital status,
parental status (whether they were parents), education, employment status
and household income. Anyone who had never been employed outside the home was excluded from the study.
a dictionary definition:
re·li·ant
adj : relying on another for support
Level of emotional reliance
was based on response to 4 statements:
- "The idea of losing a close friend is terrifying to me"
- "I think most people don't realize how easily they can hurt me"
- "I would feel completely
lost if I didn't have someone special"
- "I'd feel hopeless if I were deserted by someone I love."
Each of 20 depressive symptoms was also factored into the findings.
Turner found that women were
significantly more likely to be emotionally reliant than men, regardless of their social status,
marital status, education, income and job prestige. Also, emotional reliance seemed to affect women more strongly than it
did men.
"It turns out that women who
are in low-status positions in the workplace and who have low levels of education are particularly disadvantaged by being
emotionally reliant," Turner explains. "But education seems to be particularly beneficial for women.
In the study, highly
educated women - those with professional degrees, graduate training
- were very, very similar to men in terms of emotional reliance. This suggests that status in the
adult world can offset some of these socialization processes that seem to encourage dependency among females."
With men, says Turner, "it's
a little more complicated. If they're married, men tend to become more emotionally reliant; they
depend on their wives as their primary source of emotional support. The good news for them is that marriage protects men from depression."
Married women generally find
their primary source of emotional support in another woman - a female friend or female family member, she adds.
Emotional
reliance may also be less detrimental for men because they hold more prestigious positions, says Turner.
The study is important, says Turner, because it helps solve the mystery of why women have consistently higher rates of depressive disorder and psychological distress than men. "We have, for a very long time, tried to understand and this I see as one piece of that puzzle. We know that the combination of work and family roles is more stressful for women, as they work very hard at work and very often are responsible for child rearing and housework.
Women tend to have lower prestige
jobs with less control and so there's reason to believe that might be part of it, but it's not the whole picture, there are other things going on that involve self-concept and processes that occur early in life."
"It's very clear that higher
education and good jobs make a difference to the well-being of all people and women in particular," says Turner.
Genetic factors tied to personality
traits may also play a role in women's high vulnerability to depression, Vivien K. Burt, MD, PhD, director of the Women's Life Center at University of California, Los Angeles, tells WebMD, "We
know that depression is twice as common in women as in men. If there are psychosocial patterns that women fall into each time, it may be due to
a genetic bent that makes them more emotionally dependent. There are certain personality traits that have a genetic component and we really don't know the interaction between the two."
Other social pressures - less prestigious jobs, pressures to get married, multiple child care and homemaker responsibilities of working women, as well as pressures of divorce - also clearly play a role in pushing women into depression, adds Burt.
Hormonal changes also put women at high risk of depression, Burt tells WebMD. "Postpartum is a time of high risk, as is perimenopause [the 5 to 7 years before menopause].
If they have a history of PMS or premenstrual dysphoric disorder [premenstrual depression], they're at increased risk."
"It isn't as simple as getting
a better education or a better job," says Burt. "Psychotherapy can also help. A good clinician is aware that there are many other factors in depression."
Vital Information:
- Women are significantly more
likely to be emotionally reliant than men, putting them at greater risk of developing depression.
- Emotional reliance diminishes
in women as they gain more education, social status and job prestige.
- Marriage makes men more emotionally
reliant, but it also protects them from depression.
a "quick glimpse" at emotional
reliance - what's the consequences of being too emotionally reliant & how does that happen? (as per the above article)
Early Experience Sets Template For Dependency In Women
Early socialization may make
women more emotionally reliant - and more prone to depression - than men, according to new research.
The results of previous studies
suggested that women's heavier home responsibilities and lower work status were possible causes for the disparity in depression rates between men and women. But such factors are only part of the picture, according to lead study author Heather A. Turner,
PhD, of the Univ. of New Hampshire in Durham.
"It's possible that socialization
processes contribute to heightened vulnerability to depression among females," said Turner. "In other words, males and females may develop different self conceptions or personal attributes
relatively early in life that influence the likelihood of experiencing depressive symptoms."
The tendency to be emotionally
reliant – that is, to rely heavily on the positive feedback of others to maintain self esteem – is developed in women long before adulthood.
"Identity
formation for females is inextricably tied to and dependent upon the development of intimate relationships," said Turner. "As a result, women's self conceptions are most strongly defined through interpersonal associations."
Adolescent boys and girls differ markedly in their sensitivity to the assessments of others, e.g.. Adolescent females tend to focus on being liked by others, while males are more likely to focus on academic and athletic goals, according to Turner and co-author R. Jay Turner, PhD, Florida International University.
In their survey of 1,393 individuals
from Toronto, Ontario, the researchers found a strong association between emotional reliance and
depression. Their research findings appear in the December issue of the Journal of Health and Social Behavior.
The researchers found that
women were significantly more likely to be emotionally reliant than men, independent of other factors
like social status, marital status, education, income and job prestige.
In addition, women appeared
more deeply impacted by their emotional reliance than men did. Emotionally reliant male study participants
were less likely to be depressed than emotionally reliant female participants.
Study participants who were
married were more likely to be emotionally reliant than those who were unmarried. But marriage
was more strongly associated with emotional reliance for men than it was for women. The latter
finding is consistent with previous research that suggested that husbands depend more on wives for emotional support than wives depend on husbands, according to the study authors.
"The fact that men tend to
occupy more powerful positions in society may protect them from the debilitating effects of emotional reliance," said Turner.
"For men,
emotional reliance may be perceived as a sign of sensitivity - perhaps a desirable trait for someone in a more powerful position, but one that doesn't necessarily create losses in ability or authority," said Turner.
Individuals – but women in particular – with higher education levels were less likely to be
emotionally reliant, the researchers found. "It may be that higher
education has a particularly beneficial effect for women by counteracting early socialization processes that encourage dependence," said Turner. Therefore, while emotional reliance may develop early in life, Turner's
research also indicates that contemporary circumstances influence interpersonal dependence.
This research was supported by a research grant from the National
Health Research & Development Programs of Health & Welfare Canada.
- emotional reliance -
a factor in dependent personality disorder
Dependent Personality Disorder
The
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (American
Psychiatric Association, 1994, pp. 668-669) describes Dependent
Personality Disorder as a pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that leads to submissive and clinging behavior and
fears of separation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by 5 (or more) of the following:
Dimensions
Here is a hypothetical profile, in terms of the 5-factor model of personality, for Dependent Personality Disorder (speculatively constructed from McCrae, 1994, pg. 306):
- High Neuroticism
-
- Chronic negative affects, incl:
-
- anxiety
-
- fearfulness
-
- tension
-
- irritability
-
- anger
-
- dejection
-
- hopelessness
-
- guilt
-
- shame
-
- difficulty in inhibiting impulses: i.e., to eat, drink, or spend money
-
- irrational beliefs: i.e., unrealistic expectations, perfectionistic demands on self, unwarranted pessimism
-
- unfounded somatic concerns
-
- helplessness
-
- dependence on others for emotional support & decision making
- Low Extraversion
-
-
- Social isolation
-
- interpersonal detachment
-
- lack of support networks
-
- flattened affect
-
- lack of joy & zest for life
-
- reluctance to assert self or assume leadership roles, even when qualified
-
- social inhibition
-
- shyness
Low Openness
-
- Difficulty adapting to social or personal change
-
- low tolerance or understanding of different points of view or lifestyles
-
- emotional blandness & inability to understand & verbalize own feelings
-
- alexythymia
-
- constricted range of interests
-
- insensitivity to art & beauty
-
- excessive conformity to authority
- High Agreeableness
-
- Gullibility
-
- indiscriminate trust of others
-
- excessive candor & generosity
-
- to detriment of self-interest
-
- inability to stand up to others & fight back
-
- easily taken advantage of
- High Conscientiousness
-
- Over-achievement:
-
- workaholic absorption in job or cause to the exclusion of family, social & personal interests
-
- compulsiveness, incl:
-
- excessive cleanliness, tidiness & attention to detail
-
- rigid self-discipline
-
- an inability to set tasks aside & relax
-
- lack of spontaneity
-
- over-scrupulousness in moral behavior
eager to recover from loss of
relationships or eager to find love again
Loss of a relationship
The second most intense life stress, after death, is divorce or loss of a love relationship. Most of us beyond 14 or 16 have felt the intense pain & anguish of being rejected by a lover. Many writers have dealt with marital problems & the long, distressful process of divorce. Kessler (1975) described 7 stages of divorce:
Stage 1:
Disillusionment
After the bliss of falling
in love (with the ideal person for you), a new idea sneaks into your mind: your lover has some faults. You may begin "psychologizing," e.g. "he is very self-centered," "she is nagging like my mother," "he flirts with women to hide his sexual fears," "she gets a lot more involved with the children than she does with me," etc. If these feelings grow in either person, without being resolved, the relationship is in trouble.
Stage 2: Erosion
The disappointments & fault-finding reduce the love & attraction. They may not know what's wrong or what to say. If the relationship is becoming a little strained, this
is the best time to have a good, straight talk or to seek marriage counseling. If no changes are made, a lot of destructive interactions may take place: put each other down, compete for attention, spend money carelessly, find new interests, watch each other critically, avoid each other, stop "confiding" or having sex.
Stage 3: Detachment
Each disappointment hurts. "Love dies a thousand deaths." Lovers pull away to avoid hurts & sadness. If the isolation continues, it becomes more & more difficult to return to being lovers. Sometimes only one person is in the detachment stage; that's enough to kill the relationship. In this stage, the couple share & talk little, imply that "I don't care" even though they're hurting & begin to think of other possible partners. They can't decide to leave or not. Often anger sets in - anger makes it easier to decide to separate.
Stage 4: Physical
separation
Separating is a sure sign
the relationship has failed. Before, you might say, "we aren't getting along; we're fighting a lot," but now the relationship is gone - lost. There are
many reactions to separation: often it's a painful, crushing void, sometimes if you've wanted out for a long time it's a relief, usually there's loneliness, fear & feelings of failure. There are many adjustments to make - new place to live, new routine, new people, etc.
Stage 5: Mourning & letting go
We mourn the loss of a partner,
even one who has caused us pain. It's the loss of a dream, if nothing else. We rid ourselves of the "ghosts" of our past love, give up hope of reconciliation & realize the ex-lover is gone forever. Usually there is a mix of intense emotions: sadness, anger, guilt, fear, hope. Often we spend hours reliving the old relationship - how awful he/she was, how it should have been, whose fault it was,
etc. The person needs to "work thru" these old emotions. Eventually, he/she will decide to get on with his/her life.
Stage 6: A
new life.
The focus shifts from the
past to the future. Sometimes there is even an obsession with a new interest or life-style - new clothes & looks, drinking,
seducing & partying, or complete involvement with work & planning a new career or volunteering to help in some social-political movement. Some are eager to find love again, others hate the opposite sex, others are scared of emotional involvement. In some ways it's like being a teenager again.
Stage 7: Healthy
adjustment
With luck, one emerges from
a broken relationship wiser, tougher, stronger & mellower. You've found some good friends & made reasonable plans for the future. You're no longer
so worried you can't sleep at nights & although life is hard, you're ready to move on to something better.
Each person is different. Some skip stages; some get stuck in a stage; some slide through the stages quickly
and silently. Seldom do a divorcing couple start and go through the same stages at the same time. The earlier a couple attends to problems, the better. It's
an unending task of true lovers to be sure the fun and affection outweigh the boredom and resentment.
If you're
stuck in stage 2 or 3 for a few weeks and can't work it out or get your partner to seek counseling together, go by yourself. If you're still mourning a former relationship (that obviously had problems) after more than 2
or 3 months, seek some help with speeding up the recovery process.
I've counseled many young
people in the depths of agonizing depression following a break up with a boy/girl friend. Many felt the situation was terrible, almost unbearable. Indeed, some had thoughts of suicide. Yet, in my classes 3/4 or more of the students have broken up with someone they thought at the time was the best partner they could ever find.
But, when I ask if that expectation has thus far proven to be true (that they couldn't find anyone as good),
less than 5% say yes. There's an inexhaustible supply of people to love. It's a cruel hoax to imply that there's only one person for us to love. So, should you leave a strained relationship without regrets and pain? No, there's another way to look at it.
Feeling terribly upset when
losing a lover may be hard but desirable. After listening to the pain for hours, I've often asked a person who has just been rejected, "How would you rather react to such an important loss?" The point is: your sadness comes from your good traits - you were loving, devoted, caring, committed, trusting and involved. You had given your whole self to the relationship. Isn't that the way you want to be? Isn't that the way you want your future partners to be?
Would you really want to be
so self-centered, so uninvolved that you could easily dismiss a love relationship? So, bear the unavoidable grief for a few weeks, then get on with building a future.
It's commonly said that the
cause of a break up or divorce is shared, that it's 50-50. That isn't necessarily so. It may be largely one person's responsibility - their needs, personality, irrational ideas, or emotional problems. It may be neither's responsibility; they may simply have different interests, values, opinions, lifestyle, etc. which are no one's fault.
You don't need to assign blame, but it would be wise to understand what happened so the same problems can be avoided in the future. (Young children often
blame themselves for their parents' divorce, how sad. Shaver & Rubenstein [1980] suggest this results in self-doubts & shaky
relationships many years later.)
How can you help
yourself through the loss of love? Stearns (1984) deals with getting thru a crisis. Many books specifically address marriage
problems (see chapter 10) and divorce or breaking up (Fisher, 1981; Bloomfield, Colgrove & McWilliams,
1977; Gettleman & Markowitz,
1972; Kranitz, 1987; Krantzler, 1972; Krantzler, 1977; McKay, Rogers, Blades, & Gosse, 1984; Phillips & Judd, 1978;
Weiss, 1975).
Make use of one or two. Broder (1988) focuses more on coping as a single adult after a divorce. Books for children are by Gardner (1971), Franke (1983) and Richards
and Willis (1976). Bernstein and Rudman (1988) review
several books for children suffering through a separation or loss. The pain of divorce on adults and children is dealt with more extensively in chapter 10.
There's a cockiness
about the performing arts. There's an eagerness to do the thing that you love doing.
Omar Epps
Eagerness
to Learn
By Susan E. Canizares, Ph.D.
Q: My 5-year-old daughter has been reading for quite awhile now. Her older sister is a
first-grader reading on a 5.8 grade level. During the school year my younger daughter would read the books that her older
sister brought home.
I
am delighted with both of my daughters' academic progress. I don't try to "push"
them. If anything, they push themselves. It has been suggested to me, however, that I've made a mistake in allowing them to
read early and explore other learning activities.
The theory being that they'll be bored in class and not as attentive to learning what the rest of the class is learning (since
they've already mastered that skill). Have I made a mistake?
A: I can only answer this question by saying that if a bright, active, and inquisitive
child becomes bored in class, then it's the responsibility of the school to find a way to keep that child's motivation and interest alive.
It's the key to learning. However, since it's clear that you need not worry about your child's
reading progress in school, you can devote your energies to helping your child expand her interests further - in music,
sports, drawing, or other academic areas such as science and math.
If you ever feel that your children are pushing themselves too much and are inflicting stress upon themselves in a particular area, you can always help them balance out again by tapping into their wide interest and learning base.
What is the definition
of this Indicator?
This indicator refers to the number of children who, at the time of kindergarten entry, seem
to parents or teachers to show eagerness to learn new things (regularly, occasionally, never,
etc.).
Why is this an
important Indicator?
Eagerness to learn is an important component to school success.
Even if a child possesses the ability to learn, learning cannot take place without eagerness and
motivation. 1 Children who show an eagerness to learn new things approach learning
with an inquisitiveness and interest in pursuing the novel or unknown. 2
Source for the Indicator
Parent or teacher survey. This
indicator can be collected by surveying teachers or parents. The North Carolina School Readiness Assessment - Parent Survey
addresses this indicator in question #14b. The Early Childhood Longitudinal Study, Kindergarten Class of 1998-99 (ECLS-K),
Teacher Survey Part C (Fall 1999) addresses this indicator in question #14. The survey can be obtained online at: http://nces.ed.gov/ecls/kindergarten/questionnaires.asp.
what a beautiful thing
our eagerness is
Energy, excitement, exhuberance, enthusiasm, elation, eagerness.
Looking
for words that describe how I feel about my work, about going into the studio: all the words I can think of today begin with
an 'e'.
What a lovely odd thing.
As a preacher
it is a regular occurrence for me to hear criticism. Actually, I am amazed that I don’t get more disapproving comments
from my teaching, and am quite thankful to God that He has permitted so much positive fruit. But still there are occurrences of strong disagreement or subtle challenges to the content or approach of any given message.
Perhaps
one of the most common “suggestions” that a preacher gets is to “focus on what we agree on” and stop
focusing on disagreements. We are told to concentrate on things we have in common. We are advised to “stop majoring
on the minors.” And certainly, at all costs, we should not negatively attack those who disagree.
But consider Jude’s response
to such ideas:
Beloved, although I was very eager to write to you about our common salvation, I found it necessary to write appealing to
you to contend for the faith that was once for all delivered to the saints. Jude 3
The word
“contend” may be defined as “to struggle on behalf of,” “to fight for,” “to exert
intense effort on behalf of.” It is the conscious application of one’s powers for the achievement of a goal.
And in
this case, the goal, the reason, the aim of our struggle is “the faith.” We fight for God’s revelation. We contend for God’s doctrine. We struggle to protect God’s message. The church is “the pillar and support of the truth” (1 Timothy 3:15), and without the truth - we cannot be free (John 8:32).
Consider the following thoughts from J. Gresham Machen, a New Testament scholar who taught at Princeton Seminary and who founded Westminster Theological
Seminary. He wrote the following on June 17, 1932 in London:
“Men tell us that our
preaching should be positive and not negative, that we can preach the truth without attacking error. But if we follow that advice we shall have to close our Bible and desert its teachings. The
New Testament is a polemic book almost from beginning to end.”
He illustrated his point with this story:
“Some years ago I was
in a company of teachers of the Bible in the colleges and other educational institutions of America. One of the most eminent
theological professors in the country made an address.
In it he admitted that there
are unfortunate controversies about doctrine in the Epistles of Paul; but, said he in effect, the real essence of Paul’s teaching is
found in the hymn to Christian love in the thirteenth chapter or I Corinthians; and we can avoid controversy today, if we will only devote the chief attention to that inspiring hymn.”
Machen continued,
“In reply, I am bound
to say that the example was singularly ill-chosen. That hymn to Christian love is in the midst of a great polemic passage; it would never have been written if Paul had been opposed to controversy with
error in the Church.
It was because his soul was
stirred within him by a wrong use of the spiritual gifts that he was able to write that glorious hymn.
So it is always in the Church.
Every really great Christian utterance, it may almost be said, is born in controversy. It is when men have felt compelled
to take a stand against error that they have risen to the really great heights in the celebration of truth.” (J. Gresham Machen, “Christian Scholarship and the Defense of the New Testament,”
in What is Christianity, pp. 132-133).
I must
admit, I am very eager to talk about our common salvation. I would love the harmony and sweet fellowship of dialogue with those who hold fast the faithful word (1 Corinthians 15:2). But however enthusiastic I may be to be “agreeable,” it is sometimes necessary to point out on what we disagree.
A true shepherd will identify
wrong teaching and teachers (Titus 1:9), and guard the flock from savage
wolves (Acts 20:28-30).
We are promised that “in
the last time there will be scoffers, following their own ungodly passions. It is these who cause divisions” (Jude 18-19).
So remember,
whether we enjoy controversy or disagreements over truth or not, it is our responsibility to fight for the faith. It is necessary!
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April 9, 2009
I've been waiting patiently to watch the movie of Despereaux - the adorable little mouse
with big ears! Last night I watched it and I hope you'll go buy or rent this movie - although I truly think you need to buy
it so you can watch it again and again - and close your eyes and pretend that you are Despereaux every day - in your every
day life! It's just a wonderful story and I totally believe in it and it's true meaning!
kathleen
In all worldly things that a man pursues
with the greatest eagerness and intention of mind imaginable, he finds not half the pleasure in the actual possession of them, as he proposed to himself in the expectation.
Robert South
eagerness to avoid school is a signal that's something's not right! listen closely to your children!
Bullying & Your Child
Your child has always enjoyed
learning, but lately seems eager to avoid school. Stomachaches & mysterious illnesses pop up in the evening & seem to get worse as the school bus creeps closer
to your street the next morning.
It's possible the problem
has nothing to do with how last night's dinner was digested. Your child could be worried sick over a schoolyard bully.
Bullies can take the fun out of school - where bullying happens most & turn something simple like a ride on the bus, stop at a locker, or walk to the bathroom into a scary event that's anticipated with worry all day.
Children who are bullied often experience low self-esteem & depression, whereas those doing the bullying may go on to engage in more destructive, antisocial behaviors as teens & adults. Bullies, who often have been bullied themselves, may pick on others to feel powerful, popular, important or in control. Often, they antagonize the same children repeatedly.
Sadly,
bullying is widespread. According to a 2004 KidsHealth KidsPoll, 86% of more than 1,200 9 to 13 year-old boys & girls polled said
they've seen someone else being bullied, 48% said they've been bullied & 42% admitted to bullying other kids at least once in a while.
If your child's a victim of
bullying, you can help reduce intimidation & fear by listening & offering to help. If your child is the bully, you'll need to emphasize that this kind of behavior is unacceptable, as well as discuss why he or she might be doing it & how to stop it.
The Different Ways Kids
Bully
Bullying behavior isn't always easy to define. Where do you draw the line between good-natured ribbing & bullying? Although teasing resembles bullying because it can prompt feelings of anger or embarrassment, teasing can be less hostile & done with humor, rather than harm. Teasing often promotes an exchange between people rather than a one-sided dose of intimidation.
Although the black eye is
a concrete sign that your child may be a victim of bullying, there are many different ways kids bully that aren't always as easy to spot:
- Cyber bullying - a relatively new phenomenon - began surfacing as modern communication technologies advanced. Thru email, instant
messaging, Internet chat rooms & electronic gadgets like camera cell phones, cyber bullies forward & spread hurtful images &/or messages. Bullies use this technology to harass victims at all hours, in wide circles, at warp speed.
- Emotional bullying can be more subtle & can involve isolating or excluding a child from activities (i.e., shunning the victim in the lunchroom or on school outings)
or spreading rumors. This kind of bullying is especially common among girls.
- Physical bullying can accompany verbal bullying & involves things like kicking, hitting, biting, pinching, hair pulling, or threats of physical
harm.
- Racist bullying preys on children thru racial slurs, offensive gestures, or making jokes about a child's cultural traditions.
- Sexual bullying involves unwanted physical contact or sexually abusive or inappropriate comments.
- Verbal bullying usually involves name-calling, incessant mocking & laughing at a child's expense.
Also, despite the common notion
that bullying is a problem mostly among boys, both boys & girls bully. But boys & girls can vary in the ways they bully. Girls tend to inflict pain on a psychological level.
i.e., they might ostracize
victims by freezing them out of the lunchroom seating arrangements, ignoring them on the playground, or shunning them when slumber party invitations are handed out.
Boys aren't as subtle &
they can get physical. i.e., boy bullies are more apt to insult their victims on the playground than ignore them. Instead of isolating a nonathletic victim during a gym class dodgeball game, they might take relentless aim & target the child throw after
throw.
Why Do Kids Bully?
There are many reasons why kids may become bullies. Bullies frequently target people who are different. Then, they seek to exploit those differences. They choose victims who they think are unlikely to retaliate. That means children who are overweight, wear glasses, or
have obvious physical differences like big ears or severe acne are common subjects for
ridicule. But the differences don't have to be just physical. Children who learn at a different pace or are anxious or insecure can also be targets for bullies.
Bullies may also turn to this abusive behavior as a way of dealing with a difficult
situation at home, such as a divorce. Bullies might not realize how hurtful their actions can be, but some know the pain firsthand because they've been bullied or have been victims of abuse themselves.
Some bullies think their behavior is normal because they come from families in which everyone regularly gets angry, shouts &/or calls names. They copy what they know. And just like the children they're tormenting, bullies often have low self-esteem.
Whatever the cause, bullies usually pick on others as a way of dealing with their own problems. Sometimes, they pick on kids because they need a victim - someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker - to try to gain acceptance & feel more important, popular, or in control.
Although some bullies are bigger or stronger than their victims, bullies can come in all shapes & sizes.
What Are Some Signs That
a Child Is Being Bullied? Of course, bumps & bruises are telltale signs your child has been physically bullied, but you can watch for other less obvious hints, too:
- inventing mysterious illnesses to avoid school (i.e., stomachaches, headaches, etc.)
- missing belongings or money
- sleeping problems
- bedwetting
- irritability
- poor concentration
- unexpected changes in routine
- problems with schoolwork
Being bullied can also have long-term consequences, affecting the way children form relationships as adolescents & adults &
even possibly leading to more serious problems like substance abuse & depression. In addition, bully victims are more likely to experience withdrawn behavior such as anxiety & depression.
How to Help if Your Child
Is Being Bullied
Being a good listener is one of the best ways to comfort your child. Just talking about the problem & knowing you care can be helpful. Your child is likely to feel vulnerable while discussing bullying & how it makes him or her feel, so it's important to show your love & support.
If you find out that your
child is being bullied, don't add to the burden by becoming angry. Although it's understandable to be upset, be careful not to let your child see that. Your sadness could be misinterpreted as disappointment. Be sure to validate your child's feelings - don't minimize them.
You should also reassure your
child that he or she isn't to blame. Explain that bullies are often confused or unhappy people who don't feel good about themselves.
Also consider asking your
child thoughtful questions, such as:
- What's it like walking to the bus stop or home from school?
- What's it like on the bus ride to & from school?
- What happens on the playground during recess or before or after
school?
- What happens in the hallways at school or during lunchtime?
- Have any bullies in the neighborhood or at school threatened anyone you know?
- Do some kids you know get emails, instant messages, or text
messages that are upsetting, threatening, or insulting?
This approach might make it
easier for your child to talk about bullies because it isn't as personal & emphasizes that other kids experience bullying, too.
Artwork & drawings or
puppets may prompt younger victims to talk about bullies. Older children, however, may be helped by direct questions, like asking them to talk about their "friends" & "enemies."
But telling your child what
to actually do about bullying can be another story. The national KidsHealth KidsPoll showed that 46% of the children surveyed who said they've been bullied respond by fighting back, a solution that can just make things worse.
Boys in the poll were more
likely to say they'd fight back than girls (53% of boys vs. 38% of girls), whereas girls
were more likely to say they'd talk to an adult than boys (32% of girls vs. 19% of boys).
The key to helping your child
deal with bullying is to help him or her regain a sense of dignity & recover damaged self-esteem. To help ward off bullies, give your child these tips:
- Hold the anger. It's natural to want to get really upset with a bully, but that's exactly the response the bully is aiming for. Not only will getting angry or violent not solve the problem, it'll only make it worse. Bullies want to know they have control over your child's emotions. Each time they get a reaction from your child, it adds fuel to the bully's fire - getting angry just makes the bully feel more powerful.
- Never get physical or
bully back. Emphasize that your child should never use physical force (like kicking, hitting,
or pushing) to deal with a bully. Not only does that show anger, your child can never be sure what the bully will do in response. Tell your child that it's best to hang out with others, stay safe & get
help from an adult.
- Act brave, walk away & ignore the bully. Tell your child to look the bully in the eye & say something like, "I want you to stop right now." Counsel your child to then walk away & ignore any further taunts. Encourage your child to "walk tall" & hold his or her head up high (using this type of body language
sends a message that your child isn't vulnerable).
Bullies thrive on the reaction they get & by walking away, or ignoring hurtful emails or instant messages, your child will be telling the bully that he or she just doesn't care. Sooner or later, the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother your child.
- Use humor. If your child is in a situation in which he or she has to deal with a bully & can't walk away with poise, tell him or her to use humor or give the bully a compliment to throw the bully off guard. However, tell your child not to use humor to make fun of the bully.
- Tell an adult.
If your child is being bullied, emphasize that it's very important to tell an adult. Teachers, principals, parents & lunchroom personnel at school can all help to stop it. Studies show
that schools where principals crack down on this type of behavior have less bullying.
- Talk about it.
It may help your child to talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, or friend - anyone who can give your child the support
he or she needs. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears & frustrations that can build when your child is being bullied.
- Use the buddy system.
Enlisting the help of friends or a group may help both your child & others stand up to bullies. The bully wants to be recognized & feel powerful, after all, so a lot of bullying takes part in the presence of peers. If the bully is picking on another child, tell your child to point out to the bully that his or her behavior is unacceptable & is no way to treat another person. This can work especially well in group situations (i.e.,
when a member of your child's circle of friends starts to pick on or shun another member).
Tell your child
to make a plan to buddy up with a friend or two on the way to school, on the bus, in the hallways, or at recess or lunch -
wherever your child thinks he or she might meet the bully.
Tell your child
to offer to do the same for a friend who's having trouble with a bully. When one person speaks out against a bully, it gives others license to add their support & take a stand, too.
- Develop more friendships
by joining social organizations, clubs, or sports programs. Encourage regular play visits with other children at your home. Being in a group with other kids may help to build your child's self-esteem & give your child a larger group of positive peers to spend time with & turn to.
Of course, you may have to
intervene in persistent cases of bullying. That can involve walking to school with your child & talking to your child's teacher, school counselor, or principal.
Safety should be everyone's concern. If you've tried the previous methods & still feel the need to speak to the bullying child's parents, it's best to do so within the context of the school, where a school official, such as a counselor, can mediate.
If Your Child Is the
Bully
Learning your child is the bully can be shocking. But it's important to remain calm & avoid becoming defensive, as that can make a bad situation worse. You may have a greater impact if you express disappointment - not anger - to your child.
Because bullying often stems from unhappiness or insecurity, try to find out if something is bothering your child. Children who bully aren't likely to confess to their behavior, but you'll need to try to get your child to talk by asking some specific, hard-hitting questions, such as:
- How do you feel about yourself?
- How do you think things are going at school & at home?
- Are you being bullied?
- Do you get along with other kids at school?
- How do you treat other children?
- What do you think about being considered a bully?
- Why do you think you're bullying?
- What might help you to stop bullying?
To get to the bottom of why
your child is hurting others, you may also want to schedule an appointment to talk to your child's school counselor or another mental health professional (your child's doctor
should be able to refer you to someone).
If you suspect that your child
is a bully, it's important to address the problem to try to mend your child's mean ways. After all, bullying is violence & it often leads to more antisocial & violent behavior as the bully grows up.
In fact, as many as 1 out of 4 elementary school bullies have a criminal record by the time they're 30. Some teen bullies also end up being rejected by their peers & lose friendships as they grow older. Bullies may also fail in school & may not have the career or relationship success that other people enjoy.
Helping Your Child
Stop Bullying
Although certainly not all bullying stems from family problems, it's a good idea to examine the behavior & personal interactions your child witnesses at
home. If your child lives with taunting or name-calling from a sibling or from you or another parent, it could be prompting
aggressive or hurtful behavior outside the home.
What may seem
like innocent teasing at home may actually model bullying behaviors. Children who are on the receiving end of it learn that bullying can translate into control over children they perceive as weak.
Constant teasing - whether
it's at home or at school - can also affect a child's self-esteem. Children with low self-esteem can grow to feel emotionally insecure. They can also end up blaming others for their own shortcomings. Making others feel bad (bullying) can give them a sense of power.
Of course, there will be moments
that warrant constructive criticism: i.e.,
- "I counted on you to put out the trash & because you forgot, we'll all have to put up w/that stench in the garage for a week."
But take care not to let your words slip into criticizing the person rather than the behavior:
- "You're so lazy. I bet you just pretend to forget your chores, so you don't have to get your hands dirty."
Focus on how the behavior
is unacceptable, rather than the person.
Home should be a safe
haven, where children aren't subjected to uncomfortable, harsh criticism from family & loved ones.
In addition to maintaining
a positive home atmosphere, there are a number of ways you can encourage your child to give up bullying:
- Emphasize that bullying is a serious problem. Make sure your child understands you will not
tolerate bullying & that bullying others will have consequences at home.
i.e., if your
child is cyber bullying, take away the technologies he or she's using to torment others (i.e., computer, cell phone to
text message or send pictures). Or instruct your child to use the Internet to research bullying & note strategies to reduce the behavior.
Other examples
of disciplinary action include restricting your child's curfew if the bullying &/or teasing occur outside of the home; taking away privileges, but allowing the opportunity to earn them back &
requiring your child to do volunteer work to help those less fortunate.
- Teach your child to
treat people who are different with respect & kindness. Teach your child to embrace, not ridicule, differences (i.e., race, religion, appearance, special needs, gender, economic status). Explain
that everyone has rights & feelings.
- Find out if your child's
friends are also bullying. If so, seek a group intervention thru your child's principal, school counselor &/or teachers.
- Set limits. Stop any show of aggression immediately & help your child find nonviolent ways to react.
- Observe your child interacting
with others & praise appropriate behavior. Positive reinforcement is more powerful than negative discipline.
- Talk with school staff
& ask how they can help your child change his or her bad behavior. Be sure to keep in close contact with the staff.
- Set realistic goals & don't expect an immediate change. As your child learns to modify his or her behavior, assure your child that you still love him or her - it's the behavior you don't like.
Getting Help for Both
Bullies & Kids Being Bullied A big part of helping your child isn't being afraid to ask others for assistance & advice. Whether your child's being bullied or is the one doing the bullying, you may need to get outside help.
In addition to
talking to your child's teachers, you may also want to take advantage of school counseling services & talk w/your child's
doctor, who may be able to refer you to a mental health professional. You may
also want to talk to the school principal about bullying policies.
i.e., ask how bullies are disciplined & whether areas where bullies harass people, like stairwells or courtyards, are observed by staff. Voice your concerns to teachers, fellow parents, school bus drivers, school counselors, the school board & the parent-teacher association.
If your child's school doesn't
already have one, start an anti-violence program. If the environment at your child's school supports
bullying, working to change it may help.
Updated & reviewed by: Jennifer Shroff Pendley, PhD
Date reviewed: November
2004
Originally reviewed by: Steven Dowshen, MD & Jennifer
Shroff Pendley, PhD
How eager should parents & schools be to
deal w/bullying?
Advice for Parents & Teachers
Recent statistics show that:
- 1 out of 4 kids is bullied.
- 1 out of 5 kids admits to being a bully, or doing some "bullying."
- 8% of students miss 1 day of class per month for fear of bullies.
- 43% fear harassment in the bathroom at school.
- 100,000 students carry a gun to school.
- 28% of youths who carry weapons have witnessed violence at
home.
- A poll of teens ages 12-17 proved that they think violence increased at their schools.
- 282,000 students are physically attacked in secondary schools
each month.
- More youth violence occurs on school grounds as opposed to
on the way to school.
- 80% of the time, an argument w/a bully will end up in a physical fight.
- 1/3 of students surveyed said they heard another student threaten to kill someone.
- 1 out of 5 teens knows someone who brings a gun to school.
- 2 out of 3 say they know how to make a bomb, or know where
to get the info to do it.
- Almost 1/2 of all students say they know another student who's
capable of murder.
- Playground statistics - Every 7 minutes a child is bullied. Adult intervention - 4%. Peer intervention - 11%. No intervention - 85%.
personal note to my visitors:
I have children in middle
school & in elementary school. In fact, they are now in a private catholic school. Attempts have been made by my own children
to deal with bullies in their school, but the staff hasn't done anything about it.
Girls seem to be the most disturbing in their bullying behaviors.
Bullying is abusive. It is our responsibility as parents to get involved in protecting our children from abusive situations.
Please parents, teachers & administrators of schools...
take a strong stand against bullying in your homes, neighborhoods & schools. Our children need to be protected & those
children who are being bullies need help as well to become more well adjusted, mentally healthy children.
After all.... eventually they will be adult citizens who
we all will deal with eventually. Wouldn't it be better to be eager to deal with bullies when they are young to stop their
dangerous behaviors? I'm eager to hear your stories about your children being bullied.
Fill in the form below to send me your story....
Parents of a bully? Do you immediately jump into a defensive
mode when your child is accused of being a bully? You are not doing your child any favors. Be realistic & get help for
your child.... it's the responsible thing to do!
Send me your comments as well... let us know what it's like
to have a bully in your family... how did you solve your problem?
thanks for your time!
kathleen
Most Recent Bureau of Justice Statistics
- School Crime & Safety
- 1/3 of students in grades 9 -12 reported that someone sold
or offered them an illegal drug on school property.
- 46% of males & 26% of females reported they'd been in physical
fights.
- Those in the lower grades reported being in twice as many fights
as those in the higher grades. However, there's a lower rate of serious violent crimes in the elementary level than in the
middle or high schools.
- Teachers are also assaulted, robbed & bullied. 84 crimes per 1,000 teachers per year.
Are certain
children more likely to be bullied? Victims are usually loners. Children who appear to be friendless can be magnets for bullies. Many times it's how kids carry themselves. The bullies pick up on that. They also might pick on children who are different - mental or physical handicaps.
Girls
in cliques will pick on you simply because you don't wear your hair or clothes they way they see fit to be cool. (Insults, Gossip, Rejection, Spreading Rumors) Sometimes there is "no reason" why a bully picks a certain kid to pick on. But, the bullying leaves the victims believing there's something wrong w/themselves.
The result:
More self-esteem has been shattered. (Everyone has been bullied to some degree, whether mentally or physically)
What can you do to help your child?
You *know* there's a problem. The first step is to get your child to admit there's a problem. He / she may be too feeling embarrassed or scared and might deny it. They need to know they can trust you and look to you for help. (Encourage them)
First
give them this option: They might want to settle the situation themselves before getting you involved (you calling the school or bully's parents). You might try giving them some ideas.
i.e.,
If your child is getting bullied because of poor social skills - his shoes are always untied, he walks with his head down, shoulders slouched, avoids eye contact, shirt half tucked in, unclean hair or body, always biting nails or picking nose -
You
can help him/her by teaching them better social skills. You also might try a type of role-playing to see how your child acts
around other kids. This gives you the opportunity to help your child work out acceptable responses. (especially if he/she is being bullied verbally)
Should the school contact the bully's parents? The school should
first try to settle the matter since it occurred on their grounds while the children were their responsibility. But, unfortunately there are some schools who don't want to get involved outside of teaching the children. Many parents
have written to me about school's / administrators who simply disregarded their bully incidents. Many parents are now seeking legal action.
On the other side - there
are teachers / schools who contact the parents to address the problem, but the parents are in denial that their child could ever be a "bully," they don't believe it and point a finger at the teacher accusing him / her of picking on their child. Everyone needs to work together on solving these problems.
What can schools do to help stop bullies & violence? It's all about talking it out: Child to Child ( Peer Mediation),
Teacher to Parent ( PTO's, PTA's), Teacher to Teacher ( in service
days), Parent to Child ( at home).
There should be town meetings involving the parents, students and entire
school faculty to discuss Conflict Resolution. The teachers should also allow the students to give "their" ideas on how they'd like situations handled. For younger students,
role playing of "victims" and " bullies" in the classroom will help them understand the cause and effect - how it feels.
Another idea for younger kids getting picked on could be to have an older
student assigned as a type of mentor that he could talk to and who would step in to settle a conflict or dispute. Groups have also been created where victims and their parents can meet with other victims and discuss solutions.
It's comforting to know you're not alone and friendships can be made there. Many schools admit that the lockers are the most
common place that bullying takes place. Teachers could take turns standing by these lockers during class changes. The
schools can also pass out questionnaires and do surveys or polls to find out what students and parents think about what's happening and what they'd like to see done. Some teachers have told me that their schools put up a peace flag outside on days when there's no conflict in the school.
This promotes a pride in the school and teaches them that even one person's actions can have consequences that affect everyone. Other schools are
using posters and having the students wear certain colors on certain days. Teachers
are also using, "Taking the Bully by the Horns" for role playing in the classrooms. Since I believe in my book and the help it's been giving children, I suggest reading it aloud to the group. The book is written in first
person, so you'll be addressing them and speaking directly to them.
This way, you
can teach them the skills they need to handle bullies and feel good about themselves (self-esteem / life skills). I ask questions in the book and you can pause to get their opinions. I also added a bit of humor so it will be enjoyable for them and they'll learn something.
Then, you could
try some role playing, where they take turns acting out situations where they play both bullies and victims. This will show them how it "feels" and give them ideas on what to do to help themselves and others.
Our local schools participated in Berks County's Annual Week Without Violence. One program included,
"Hands Around Violence." Students made paper cutouts of their hand prints and wrote nonviolent
messages on them.
i.e., "I will
not use my hands or words for hurting." The "Pledge Hands" will serve as a visual reminder that together they can make a difference. Other activities
included a white out, where students wore as much white as possible to symbolize peace, a unity day, where students wore their school colors and a smile day, where each student received a smile card and handed
that card over to the first person to smile at them.
Another great idea schools are
using is to have teachers hold up pictures of kids faces while asking the students, "How does this person feel?"
This promotes a discussion aimed at helping kids to identify and describe emotions. And for teens, pictures of conflicts or stressful situations can be used to promote discussion and ideas for resolution.
Let kids
know it's OK to talk about problems; that parents and teachers are willing to listen and eager to help. Also, if your kids / students are "bystanders" to their friends, or
other kids being bullied, tell them how important it is for them to help these kids by reporting it. If they're afraid, they can use an anonymous tip, or tell the teachers not to use their name when confronting the bully.
The anonymous tip was only suggested for those victims who feared revenge from the bully in the form of physical abuse for their "snitching."
Yes, in many
cases the name of the victim would have to be given in order for the conflict to be directly approached. A bully being accused of attacking a "nameless" child might try to talk his way out of it. But if a name is used in relating to a
particular incident with a specific child and if there was proof, or witnesses, it's harder to deny.
Advice for Parents of both victims and bullies
Congratulate
or reward them when you see them using these positive skills to settle a difference.
Teach them to
identify "the problem" and focus on the problem, "not" attacking "the person."
Tell them conflicts are a way of life, but violence doesn't have to be. And finally, teaching them to take responsibility for their own actions will make for a healthier child, a healthier self-esteem and there will be no need for any "bullies" or "victims" in the world.
A lot of Parents have
been asking me what to do about "Bus Bullies"!
There are many different things that could be tried in this situation.
Ideas for what your kids can do include 3 options:
They should be
used in that order except if the bullies are physically violent, then "avoid" is the safest choice.
There are many things your child could say back to the bullies:
"Name calling isn't cool"
"I don't want to fight. Can't we be friends instead?"
"Why are you mad at me? I never hurt you."
Bullies usually like the
effect they get when they shock or hurt someone. Maybe if your child just laughed it off, like they're joking, they would get tired of calling him/her names and
it wouldn't seem fun (or effective) anymore.
If it keeps up and nothing your child says helps and ignoring and avoiding don't work and the school won't get involved, then you'll have to contact the parents of the "name
callers."
Bullies don't always have a reason for who they pick on or why, but when they *do* have a reason, it usually results in them singling
out a smaller person. This would include kids who aren't as tall and most definitely would include younger kids, who obviously
would be smaller. This makes you easier to control. And today there are a lot of cases of older kids picking on younger kids on the school buses.
In those cases, I recommend sitting far away from the bully. If the seats are assigned, ask to have them changed. If they're not assigned, ask to have them assigned. If that doesn't work, inform the school and ask the bus driver to get
involved.
Some bus drivers are asked
by the school to intervene. They do this by having the trouble kids sit up front where they can keep a good eye on them in
the mirror. However, the bus driver has a job to do which requires the safety of many lives, so if the bullying gets so bad that he/she has to keep turning around or yelling at kids all the time, the perpetrators should be suspended
from the bus for the safety of all.
For Teachers &
Parents of Bullies: some useful questions to ask:
- What did you do?
- Why was that a bad thing to do?
- Who did you hurt?
- What were you trying to accomplish?
- Next time you have that goal, how will you meet it without hurting anybody?
- How will you help the person you hurt?
These questions will help them
to:
- acknowledge their own actions and the consequences they have on themselves and others
- develop shame and guilt ("I don't want to go through that again" & "I hurt someone")
- change their actions to stay out of trouble
- learn to trust and form relationships with helping adults.
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He was scarcely then a year
old, and knew so little of herding that he had never turned a sheep in his life; but as soon as he discovered it was his duty
to do so I can never forget with what anxiety and eagerness he learned his different evolutions.
James Hogg
June 07, 2006
JUST DO IT! SUPPORT YOUR TROOPS!!
A lot of people ask me how they can support the deployed troops. The best way to show your support is to get your butt over to http://anysoldier.com & search around. Find you a service member to support form any branch, any branch at all (Marines)
& send them a care package or two.
Any Soldier.com (Any Marine.com) is now being showcased on “America Supports You” web site. This is huge since they're
government supported means they have only top notch organizations associated to their site.
Your service members are over in hells oven & its warming up over there.
What would a couple jugs of Gatorade cost ya?? Give til it hurts people.
That is all.
Capt B
this message from One Marine's View website.... do you think it gets frustrating for those guys in Iraq?
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