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feeling excluded

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welcome to the emotional feelings network!

A not for profit network of self-help websites.

Welcome! I hope I can help you find what you're looking for! Anytime you see an underlined word in a different color you're being offered an opportunity to learn more than what you came here for. It's important to understand the true meanings of your emotions and feelings as well as many other topics that are within this network. This entire network is set up to help those who want to help themselves find a sense of peace in their lives - discover who resides within and recover from whatever life has dealt you. Clicking on the underlined link words will open a new window so whatever page you began on will remain waiting for you to get back to it!

 

If you can't find what you're looking for here, scroll down to see an entire menu of what is offered within the emotional feelings network of sites! 

 

kathleen

remembering september eleventh
forever free: remembering september eleventh
forever & always

Your dictionary definition of:
 
ex·clude   
tr.v. ex·clud·ed, ex·clud·ing, ex·cludes
  1. To prevent from entering; keep out; bar: a jar sealed to exclude outside air; an immigration policy that excludes undesirables.
  2. To prevent from being included, considered, or accepted; reject: The court excluded the improperly obtained evidence.
  3. To put out; expel.

visit nurture 101! The info there is so important!

 
There's a new site in the network! I am almost finished completing each page, but I can't wait anymore to tell you all about it! Please pay it a visit soon! It's an important topic!
 

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Belonging & being excluded

Belonging or not belonging

What does belonging imply?
 
Being accepted by a group?
 
Feeling you have an enhanced identity?
 
Having a sensation of power?
 
Complying to certain tacit or explicit rules?
 
Having both privileges & constraints?
 
... Does the fact of belonging to a group necessarily lead to exclusion? Clearly not. There are so many groups & categories that each of us don't belong to w/out us feeling excluded.
 
Rather exclusion springs from the desire to belong while not being able to. Such a description seems to place the onus for exclusion on the individual or group of individuals whereas both belonging & being excluded aren't just the attributes of an individual but are above all on-going relationships in which technology may or may not play a role.

Clearly the attitude or behavior of those in groups &
of those outside them are at the heart of exclusion.
 
Is it in the nature of certain types of groups that they naturally seek to grow & when they can no longer grow, to defend their identity?
 
Such was Elias Canetti's hypothesis in his book "Crowds & Power" ... & as a consequence, do (dominant & would-be dominant) groups necessarily set out to create a strong desire to belong to them even if the conditions are such that most people can't?

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  Tools of exclusion?
 
Does the use of tools necessarily lead to the exclusion of those not using them?
 
How many people feel excluded because they don't have a printing press or a video recorder?
 
Is it not rather the fact of making tools appear necessary to everybody for would-be essential activities that creates the feeling of exclusion on the part of those who are unable to use them, especially when those tools can't completely fulfil their promise?
 
Is this not exactly what advertising sets out to do: make a product seem absolutely essential even if you don't need it or can't have it?
 
The information society - our saviour? Don't the market forces (& to a lesser extent the political forces) behind the adoption of information & communication technologies push for widespread if not all-embracing use of these tools?
 
Commercially speaking the aim is clearly to have a maximum number of customers. As for government administrations, hoped for savings in using such technologies will be lost if traditional means have to be maintained in parallel w/new electronic tools.

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But is the search for "all-embracing, universal solutions" that are good for everyone feasible or even desirable? Dare we ask the question?

Universal access
Isn't the talk of universal access to the so-called "Information Society" tools an indication that the use of such tools is seen by its advocates as necessarily involving everybody?
 
Doesn't talking about the need for universal access, imply that:
  1. it's essential that everyone have "access"?
  2. that many don't have access & that providing access is likely to be a problem?
In international discussions about the future of telecommunications, universal access (to the Global Information Infrastructure) is posited as a right. Should it be?
 
Can we even ask this question w/out being suspected of elitism? Advocating access as a right takes it for granted that it's desirable for each & every person to be connected. It certainly becomes a necessity if essential human activities only go thru that medium.
 
But even if such an all-embracing project were feasible, is it desirable? In their drive to profit from the largest possible market, aren't commercial interests blinded by their own egotistical desires into believing that what they sell is just what everybody else wants?
 
The market is like the mirror on the wall in Snow White... "Mirror, mirror on the wall who's the most beautiful of them all?..." Woe betide those who believe the market never lies!

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At the same time, isn't the attention given to universal access symptomatic of a belief that possessing the tools is in itself sufficient?
 
"Just plug-in & away you go!" says the slogan. Strangely enough for a proclaimed knowledge society, emphasis continues to be placed on the possession of commodities rather than the development & use of knowledge.
 
Access to the Global Information Infrastructure w/out the knowledge to use that access is meaningless?

Access to the Global Information Infrastructure & (occasionally) the related knowledge are seen as a source of empowerment for those excluded from power. Is this hope justified?
 
When portable video came onto the market in the '60s, militant organizations were full of hope. Here was a tool that would democratize mass media. Events turned out quite different. For one, they had overlooked the problem of language.

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Although the Net isn't really comparable, there's been a similar belief in the empowerment of tools forgetting that most disempowerment springs from social systems & the lack of human, rather than technological, skills.

Some possible paths to follow ...

  • Exclusion is essentially a question of relationships. Advocates of technological solutions systematically forget the need for "human skills". One way of approaching this problem might be to re-evaluate necessary skills & know-how in the modern world so as to include human & relational skills. (See the special report on Emotional Intelligence)

  • It might be fruitful to cease thinking of such technologies as all-embracing. One possible way of doing so would be to start by asking ourselves some basic questions: Where are we going? Why are we going there? How do we plan to get there? How does this fit into the larger picture?

  • Instead of talking exclusively in terms of universal access, it might be instructive to explore the implications of guaranteeing the right to be disconnected. It might also be interesting to rehabilitate the counterpart of rights by considering the associated responsibilities.


Alan McCluskey, St-Blaise, 14th May 1997

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  Feeling Like You Belong

We all want to have the sense that we belong among people we know.

Where do we really belong?
What makes us feel less like we belong?
What makes us feel more like we belong?

Where do you belong?

You belong where you say you belong! The decision about whether you belong w/others is your decision, not theirs.

In the adult world, we're seldom "kicked out" or excluded from any groups. People from a certain group might mistreat us & this might help us decide to leave. But, even then, it's our decision, not theirs.

The question of whether we feel like we belong should be based on
how we are treated while we are actually with the group.

But people who fear that they don't belong usually feel excluded
before they've spent any time at all w/that group!

"I'd never be good enough for them."
"They'd never let anyone like me in."
"People like them don't care what people like us have to say."
"I'm just too [dumb, wise, fat, skinny, sick, healthy, young, old, etc.] for those people."  "They're just too [dumb, wise, fat, skinny, sick, healthy, young, old, etc.] for me."

Look back on your life & ask yourself:
"Who have I decided that I belong with?"
"Who have I accepted into my world?"

Then look back again & ask:
"Who have I decided I don't belong with?"
"Who have I excluded from my world?"

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What makes you feel less like you belong?

We decide whether we belong based on our experience or on our beliefs.


From our experiences
I
f some people in a group mistreat you, deciding to leave them can be a good decision. This is especially true if you objected to the mistreatment but nothing changed afterwards.

From our beliefs
But if you haven't been mistreated by people in a certain group
& you only think you'll be mistreated, it's your beliefs that are keeping you from the feeling of belonging.

Such beliefs are both bigoted against them & terribly restrictive for you!

It's bad enough to restrict yourself because of your own beliefs.
It's even worse to exclude yourself because of someone else's beliefs.

When it comes to a decision as important as
whether to cut a whole group of human beings out of your life,
I don't care at all what your parents, or your culture or even your priests / rabbis / ministers think.

I care what YOU have experienced.
And whether you have spoken up for yourself about being treated well. And what you've decided & whether these decisions are working for you or not.

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What can you do to feel more like you belong?

If you're actually mistreated by some people in a certain group:
Don't judge the group.
Judge the individuals.

    Tell the people who are mistreating you that it has to stop.
    If they stop for a long while, stay w/them. If they only stop for a short while, consider leaving.

      If they don't stop, leave. Join a better group. And congratulate yourself for trying!

      Whether you stay or leave, remember that some of these people did treat you well.

If you're only thinking that you'll be mistreated, ask yourself where your opinion came from:

    Is it only based on what you heard from someone else?

    Is it based on your experience w/a few people you think are similar? Is it based on your experience w/many people you think are similar?

    Admit that you fear being mistreated by the people in this group. Then ask yourself:
    What kind of mistreatment do I fear?

    If it did happen, how bad would it actually be? Am I so afraid that it's not even worth trying to accept the new group?

    Most importantly:
    How would you treat yourself after you got home from being mistreated?
    Would you treat yourself even worse than the people in the group treated you? Is the biggest problem what they think of you or what you think of you?

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Ask Yourself:

If I exclude another group, where will I get the feeling of belonging that I need? If I just need to find a better group, which group will I try next?

Can I allow myself to think in terms of individuals instead of whole groups?

Is there some way I stir up the very mistreatment I try to avoid? If so, how can I change this?

You belong where you say you belong!

Give people a chance to treat you well.
Accept them & spend your time w/them.

You belong w/good people.

You belong wherever you say you belong!

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Brain Scans Show Rejection Causes Pain Similar To Physical Pain

Researchers at UCLA have demonstrated with Functional MRI (fMRI) scans that the pain of rejection looks similar in a brain scan to the neuronal activation pattern seen with physical pain.

In the first of 3 rounds, experimenters instructed UCLA undergraduates just to watch the 2 other players because "technical difficulties" prevented them from participating.

In the second round, the students were included in the ball-tossing game, but they were excluded from the last 3/4 of the 3rd round by the other players.

While the undergraduates later reported feeling excluded in the 3rd round, fMRI scans revealed elevated activity during both the 1st & 3rd rounds in the anterior cingulate. Located in the center of the brain, the cingulate has been implicated in generating the adverse experience of physical pain.

"Rationally we can say being excluded doesn't matter, but rejection of any form still appears to register automatically in the brain & the mechanism appears to be similar to the experience of physical pain," Lieberman said.

When the undergraduates were conscious of being snubbed, cingulate activity directly responded to the amount of distress that they later reported feeling at being excluded.

The researchers also detected elevated levels of activity in another portion of the brain, the right ventral prefrontal cortex, but only during the game's 3rd round.

Located behind the forehead & eyes, the prefrontal cortex is associated with thinking about emotions & with self-control.

"The folks who had the most activity in the prefrontal cortex had the least amount of activity in the cingulate, making us think that one area is inhibiting one or the other," Lieberman said.

The psychologists theorize that the pain of being rejected may have evolved because of the importance of social bonds for the survival of most mammals.

"Going back 50,000 years, social distance from a group could lead to death & it still does for most infant mammals," Lieberman said. "We may have evolved a sensitivity to anything that would indicate that we're being excluded. This automatic alarm may be a signal for us to reestablish social bonds before harm befalls us."

"These findings show how deeply rooted our need is for social connection," Eisenberger said. "There's something about exclusion from others that is perceived as being as harmful to our survival as something that can physically hurt us & our body automatically knows this."

There are interesting legal ramifications to this report. As the cost of fMRI & other objective measures of pain become more advanced don't be surprised if fMRI & other tests are used in legal cases to buttress claims of pain & suffering to win legal awards.

This will be seen as unfair to those w/higher pain thresholds & less sensitivity to rejection & to treatment that others might perceive as unfair & painful.

Is it fair for people who suffer differing degrees of emotional pain from the same experience to receive different sized legal settlements because they're not equally prone to feeling emotional pain in response to traumatic experiences?

There's another ramification to this report: humans are wired to not want to be rejected by other humans. As the authors state, this is probably a consequence of human evolution.

Well, suppose it becomes possible for people to modify their minds to reduce their need for acceptance by others. This would have all sorts of consequences for behavior.

A great many human activities are performed (for both good & ill) in order to win acceptance from others. What would be the net effect of a reduced desire to be accepted?

My guess is that among many other effects it would tend to reduce altruistic behavior & would reduce the incentive to avoid doing things that are inconsiderate of others.

The ability to edit memories, change one's personality, change very basic desires & to change what causes pain or pleasure could provide us w/many benefits.

But it could also create changes in human nature that undermine civilization. When it becomes possible to reduce one's feeling of empathy or to stop oneself from feeling guilty over acts committed against others some malevolent & foolish people will choose to do so.

This could be done out of a motive to reduce suffering. Some who feel very rejected & in pain from rejection will decide to eliminate the pain response that occurs when one is rejected. Imagine the consequences if more people became indifferent to the approval of others.

The ability to do brain reprogramming is going to force the issue of what constitutes a rights-possessing being. Ayn Rand's claim that rights are a product of our ability to think rationally is just not an adequate explanation.

It's part of the explanation but only a part. What we feel pain or pleasure over in dealing w/others plays a large role in causing us to treat others fairly or unfairly.

It seems inevitable that our minds will become much more mutable in the future. Once that happens we'll have to face the question of how to decide whether each person who opts to have mind modifications done still possesses the minimum set of qualities that are necessary for a human to possess to safely live in a society, respect the rights of others & carry out responsibilities that are expected of anyone who is a member of that society.

This is far from the only report that suggests there are qualities of the human brain that help support the functioning of humans in societies. See, for example my previous post on altruistic punishment for another example. Also, see the post Emotions Overrule Logic To Cause Us To Punish.

By Randall Parker at 2003 October 14 02:55 AM

 
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