It's often so much easier just to pick a baby up every time he or she cries rather than question whether this is a good idea given the fact feeding time was only an hour ago & this apparent demand for attention has been repeated every 15 minutes. 

Parents quickly learn to distinguish between clear signs of distress & such demands, but even much later on in life many insist on convincing themselves that their roles as guardians must be continually reinforced. 

What harm can it do the children anyway, some may ask?  It's a rather amazing fact of life that most parents can recognize when other people’s children are spoiled but still have significant ‘blind-spots’ in respect of their own, even those parents who might admit to spoiling their children 'a little'. 

But, this loving, perhaps sometimes selfish view, may indeed hinder their loved ones from becoming mature adults capable of taking responsibility for others as well as themselves.

For some parents it's easier to simply make frequent use of a dummy-tit or as their children get older ‘the back of their hands’ for a smack on the rears of their offspring. 

Unfortunately in too many instances today these scenarios deteriorate into letting children sit in front of TV or PC screens for hours without parents making any effort to relate to their children or encouraging them to do something more healthy or constructive. 

Worse still, some parents resort to physically abusing their children under the guise of ‘disciplined training’ or ‘teaching lessons’, which distances their kids even further. 

When both parents are working & there don't seem to be enough hours in a day to cope with everyday tasks, like undetected malignant cancers, these situations may gradually become irreversible without either parent realizing that they're witnessing the results of their own action, or lack of action. 

These often selfish extremes do little to prepare the children they have brought into the world to lead healthy balanced lives.

So what is the answer to this dilemma faced by most new parents today?  We know that every child is different, but is justification in this response not normally an attempt to condone a wrong or lazy approach? 

Of course children will continue to demand attention if they have always been made the center of attention. Children starved of affection will naturally be more influenced by others who are perhaps less concerned w/their long term care. 

It's not only important that parents strike an appropriate & consistent balanced w/their children between these two extremes but that they do so at an early age.

Even before a child can walk he or she can be learning to sleep to a schedule that suits the whole family.  Achieving this isn't necessarily easy, but the key is to establish set times for feeding & sleeping as early as practical & to rigorously adhere to them except in the instance of illness or when it genuinely is unavoidable. 

If a baby’s meal time depends on whether there's a late-night movie on TV & if so, what time it finishes, then there's every likelihood that the baby will frequently be hungry & crying for food. There's also every likelihood that the baby will not be hungry when it next suits the parents to feed him or her.

From the age a child is learning to walk & talk, he or she can begin to take on responsibility & contribute to the family. The maxim that the more effort one puts in the more benefits one is likely to enjoy in the future is particularly pertinent to parents raising children. 

Suggestions On Parenting

Don't give in to your child's tantrums, tears or pleading - the sooner & more clearly you & your spouse make it clear that such displays will not alter your decision, the sooner you'll be doing the child & yourselves a favor.

More than that, children that don't understand the word "no" & aren't disciplined by their parents, will invariably be taught the lessons of life by others less caring & probably less compassionate.

(Given the choice of seeing a child cry for an unnecessary luxury or a grandchild cry for a permanently absent parent, I'd rather the former even if it did cause me to cry a little inside myself.)

Identify your child's likes & work out which tasks are appropriate for him or her to fulfill in order for the likes to be met - maximum one hour of television on Saturday morning only if all toys / clothes neatly put away & room tidy, desert / ice-cream given only if meal completely finished, maximum half-hour bed-time story read only if children in bed before preset time.

(e.g. less than 5 years of age - 7PM; less than 8 - 8PM; less than 12 - 9PM; less than 16 - 10PM). The 'logic' of this approach can also be used in reverse.

If you'd prefer a child to play in the garden or play-area rather than make a noise in the house, then instructing them to tidy their room first if they wish to stay-in may be the fastest way to get them out of the house.

Only give financial rewards, including pocket money, when agreed tasks have been satisfactorily completed - the sooner children understand this linkage the sooner they can be persuaded to work towards common family goals.

In addition, this approach, rigorously enforced, will help children to understand the value of money. (Adopting the same approach whenever new items of clothing are desired will also encourage children to appreciate the value of other people’s possessions.)

Work out in advance what's an appropriate 'sanction' for not obeying instructions or misbehaving - consistently deny reward of 'likes' when tasks not fulfilled, confine overly boisterous children to their rooms & as a last resort, smack the bottoms of children who repeatedly disobey instructions or misbehave (psychology more important than inflicting physical pain).

No parent should attempt to discipline a child unless in full control of their own temper & every parent especially fathers, should ensure that a well-inteneded smack doesn't degenerate into blatant physical abuse. (The slightest bruising would suggest the latter & that the parent is more in need of discipline than the child.)

Don't let children immediately play with all of their new toys at birthdays & at festive times - by letting children open all their toys then putting some aside & reintroducing them one at a time throughout the course of the year, one maximizes the benefit from each of the toys while minimizing the cost & time required to provide alternative amusements for active off-spring.

Expose children in controlled situations to sensitive issues, don't shield them from them - if you're living in The Bronx or one of the less affluent of Glasgow's council housing estates & your surname sounds like that of a Russian ballet dancer, then to spend a lot of time telling your son not to worry about the names he is going to get called isn't going to remove any apprehensions he may have.

If on the other hand you turn your surname into domestic nick-names for him that he can laugh at & where it's evident there's no malicious intent, then perhaps he may be more prepared to ignore the later name-calling that will undoubtedly arise.

Think & plan ahead - seek ways to encourage the outcomes you desire. As an example, if you think it's a good idea to encourage young boys to run around & to wear short trousers for as long as possible, then the way to approach this is to appeal to their precocious man-hoods by complimenting their hardiness & sporting potential, particularly in cold weather, rather than by trying to convince them that not following other boys doesn't make them "sissies".

Whether your reasons are that it's much healthier for boys to be physically active & run around in shorts instead of long trousers, or that shorts require a lot less washing & mending, is irrelevant, the important thing is that if you think about it early enough & plan the appropriate actions, you can have some control over your child's development rather than leave it to the influence of others.

(With respect to the particular example of short trousers, in a city such as Brisbane, Australia, it's not uncommon to see men walking to their offices in short trousers. Although admittedly the climate is generally warmer than that of London or New York, there have been few reported cases of frost-bite in these cities because of children walking to school in short-trousers!)

And based on the kind of people they are as adults, I'd agree that, not only did they turn out OK, but they're much more caring of others, including their children, than most of their contemporaries. They don't, of course, punish their children.

However, I don't wish to prove thru my children or my grandchildren that punishment is totally unnecessary in order to grow up to be a socially appropriate & caring person.

We already know this from studies of cultures where children are never punished. I hope to show, instead, that punishing children is a malevolent act that's harmful to children & ultimately, to the community & society in which it takes place.

The punishment of one human being by another is behavior in which the punisher has or believes he has, the right to hurt & violate a person he perceives as his social inferior.

Punishing another individual of one's species is a human cultural invention. It isn't found in all cultures nor in the animal world. Its utilization as a child-rearing method seems to go hand in hand w/the development of civilization.

A person hurting another as a result of a temporary loss of emotional control isn't punishment. Such behavior is a different form of violence. Punishment is a deliberate, controlled act w/a conscious purpose.

It's, of course, a terrible, troublesome & dangerous fact that, in our society, parental loss of control, accompanied by physical & verbal abuse of children, is tolerated. However, such behavior isn't the subject of this paper.

Our society, although it may not do much to prevent it, doesn't openly condone child abuse. But it does openly condone & sanction punishing children, physically & otherwise. What bothers me so much about punishing children is that it's a conscious effort to hurt them physically &/or emotionally.

I find it hard to understand, even when it's explained as a way of teaching them proper behavior, why someone would intentionally choose to hurt the life they contributed to creating (or chose to care for thru adoption.)

I also find it incredible that parents & many authorities in the areas of mental & physical health, child development & human morality, can't see that by hurting children, we're teaching them that it's moral & right to hurt other human beings.

The Origins Of Punishment

It's likely that punishment initially developed in our species as a method to control & direct the behavior of animals by hurting them. It later was applied by humans to other humans to control individual behavior & thinking.

The fact that punishment can modify behavior is well-founded. Research studies on rats, as well as other animals, have clearly indicated that by inflicting pain on them, we can control to a great extent what they do or don't do (Bermant), a fact known by farmers & animal trainers for thousands of years.

Human thinking can also be altered by punishment & has been utilized throughout civilization by monarchs, dictators, slave owners, authoritarian states & religious institutions to control deviant & non-conforming individuals.

We don't know when punishment first became a method used to direct children's development. I've never read about a hunter-gatherer society that punishes their children as part of child care. In ancient civilizations & throughout the history of civilization, punishing children was a common practice (deMause) & the practice continues today in much of the civilized world.

Punishment is & has been a commonly accepted part of American child-rearing (deMause, Beekman). It's perceived as a legitimate & appropriate form of discipline. Its legitimacy in human relationships has few parallels in American life, especially since the abolition of slavery.

Other than children, only convicted criminals are legally allowed to be punished. But children don't even have the rights of criminals, as they're allowed to be punished w/out a trial. The closest parallel to punishing children would be the punitive ways in which we domesticate & train young animals so that they'll serve, submit to & entertain us.

When we punish our children, we serve to perpetuate the Western civilization belief that children are, like animals, inferior beings who need to be tamed, trained & controlled.

Punishment & Distrust

Obviously, the decision, felt necessity, or compulsion to punish another person reflects a lack of trust in that person, whether it be in the relationship of governments to citizens, tyrants to subjects, slave owners to slaves, wardens to prisoners, teachers to students, or parents to children.

The advocates of punishing children (which include some past & present "experts" on child development) have a condescending & ugly view of children which is embedded in an even uglier view of the human species.

Humans aren't, in their eyes, a naturally caring & social species, but a species in which the individual is born anti-social & governed solely by self concern & self-interest.

They further believe that children resist socialization, so it must be imposed on them by adults.

There's no recognition, in this perception of the human individual as selfish, alienated & basically separate from all others, to the fact that sociability, socialization & the ability to trust develop naturally thru appropriate nurturing in childhood.

The quality of basic trust, as originally formulated by the psychologist Eric Erikson, is the foundation for a healthy personality (Evans). Its meaning to Erikson & his followers was that during the first year of life, a baby learns that those who care for him can be trusted to satisfy his basic needs.

From this secure base the infant learns to trust himself & the world. I prefer to describe basic trust as the experience of a baby or young child that there's a person there for him, who affirms his life & well-being by providing the nurturing relationship that he genetically & biologically evolved to have after birth.

Without such an experience during the first stage of life, an infant doesn't develop the full trust in others that is essential for healthy human emotional & social development.

The Most Common Methods Of Punishing Children

Corporal punishment in the form of spanking (even in infancy) is the most common way children are punished in America. Slapping, hitting & beating w/the hand or straps & other instruments closely follow.

NBC News has reported that about 90% of U.S. parents spank their children. In addition, a 1992 survey reported that 59% of ediatricians support the practice ("When Spankings Are Abuse"). It's important to recognize that in our society most parents & many of our infant & child care authorities, don't classify spanking as hitting or physical punishment.

By a magnificent denial of reality, it's often described as a "love tap" or "pat' or "harmless swat" or "loving reminder". Since spanking has traditionally been administered in the US to almost all children for generations, it's considered a natural part of growing up, the same as feeding.

Other more bizarre methods of corporal punishment, such as burning children w/fire & other forms of heat, having them kneel on hard objects, or forcing them to stand for many hours, are less common than they once were, but they're still practiced today.

We don't know the current extent of their use, nor do we know the current extent of other kinds of physical torture. Throughout civilization, until fairly recently, there have been various kinds of commercial items produced to punish children; including whips, the notorious cat of nine tails, cages & various shackling devices (Beekman).

Since these products are no longer openly advertised & sold, one would expect, or at least hope, that they're not used any more to punish children.

While many countries now outlaw the physical punishment of children, only Austria & the Scandinavian countries completely ban hitting them. However, in the US, corporal punishment of children by parents is legal & widely practiced. It's also legal in the educational system, despite the fact that it's prohibited in the schools of almost all other industrialized nations.

The US, Canada & one state in Australia still continue the practice. 27 of the states in the US have banned corporal punishment in their schools. The 23 others continue to allow teachers to hit & paddle their students when they deem it necessary (Corporal Punishment Fact Sheet).

As a nation, we have been slow to understand the harmful effects that hitting has on our children & we continue to defend our right to continue to hit them. We don't seem to be concerned that spanking & physically punishing our children creates a new generation who will in turn, continue to physically hurt their children.

Based on our belief in the value of corporal punishment we are, in fact, likely to encourage our children to use it on our grandchildren.

It's frightening that many parents, educators & others who are involved in child care today act out on children the cruel physical imposition that was inflicted on them by their parents & other care-givers while they were growing up.

But even more frightening to me than the passage of physical cruelty to children thru generations, is the passage of the belief that punishing children is a necessary part of raising them. Even parents & child-care experts who don't believe in corporal punishment advocate other kinds of punishment such as "time-out" & "logical consequences". (Salk, "When Spankings Are Abuse").

Although many of these methods, which are designed to get children to behave, are viewed as appropriate ways to discipline children, they are, in reality, punishments, the purpose of which is to get children to obey their parents’ rules & regulations by imposing on them parental power & authority.

The following are some of the ways, other than physical punishment, that are frequently used by parents to punish their children. These weren't originally or specifically created as tools to help parents to get their children to behave properly. In general, these methods have been borrowed from the traditional methods used to punish adults who had committed crimes or violated laws, rules, customs, or conventional ways of behaving.

Isolation & Confinement

Isolation & confinement usually go together. A child is sent to his room, or made to stand or sit in a corner & usually not permitted to be with, or relate to others.

The currently popular "time-out" is, of course, confinement & also isolation, if the child must be alone during the "time-out" period. Less openly discussed forms of this type of punishment are the practices of tying up or chaining children, locking them in rooms, closets, cars, sheds or other areas of confinement.

In general, isolation & confinement are for a brief time. However, it isn't uncommon for the time period to extend into hours & although much less common, can extend sometimes to days, weeks & even months. Basically, isolation & confinement give children the message that they're inferior & unfit to be w/other humans.

Many children, if they're frequently punished in this manner will come to believe that they're different, "crazy" & unfit when compared to other children who don't seem to require or receive this type of banishment from society.

Often, as they mature, these children act in accordance w/what they've been made to believe about themselves.

Does Punishing Children Work?

Does punishing children work? It definitely helps parents to believe that they're in control of their child. They're able to relax for a while until the next misdeed. Does punishment change children's behavior?

Yes, but only for a brief time. Usually children will continue to do the same things they were punished for, if they think they can get away with it.

One of the troubles w/punishment as a way to teach children proper social behavior, aside from the infliction of pain, is that it makes children feel weak, impotent & incapable. Punishment teaches children to look to external authority to decide for them how they should behave, rather than looking to themselves.

They don't learn how, in collaboration w/others, to make choices; they don't learn how to decide what's good for them & for those who are important to them. What they learn instead is to submit to authority & power, to obey.

By being punished & treated as inferior beings, they become inferior beings - they don't develop the power of the human individual to love & trust. Children who're regularly punished learn to fear their parents. They learn the behaviors that their parents like & don't like & also, how to hide these behaviors from their parents.

They develop "proper" behavior out of fear, not choice.

Some children openly defy their punitive parents. These children usually end up getting into worse trouble w/their parents & w/other authorities as they mature. Most children, however, go underground.

In order to protect themselves from parental power they develop a "good", submissive-to-authority, social pose to hide their secret misbehaviors & improper thoughts & feelings. Their social behavior isn't genuine because it has little to do w/who they really are.

Once out of the realm of authoritarian control, they adopt new ways & new codes consistent w/the values & priorities of their peers. They go in any direction the wind blows to avoid disapproval & to gain approval. The lack of respect their parents had for them has prevented them from developing respect for themselves.

Why We Hurt Our Children

The question that must be asked is why we are & have been, so willing to hurt our children in order to get them to behave – to treat them as criminals, slaves & animals.

Of course, we are, in part, following the traditional ways of treating children for centuries of civilization. But there's more to it than just tradition. We have in the past century learned a great deal more than we knew before about children's emotional & social development & their mental health.

This information isn't kept secret from the public. Most of us even seem to recognize & accept that what happens to children in their early years has a great deal to do w/the kind of persons they become.

Yet, we continue to punish them. Do we not see the harm we do? Why do we not stop consciously hurting our children?

For some parents, whose own punishment as children was accompanied by rage, hatred & sadism, punishing their own children is an opportunity for them to legally inflict pain on another human being – a chance to get back at someone for the pain that they suffered.

But for most parents, it's a matter of controlling behavior which they were made to control in their own childhood. It's a matter of ignorance, of passing on malevolent & inappropriate behavior toward children which they learned to accept as appropriate in their own childhoods.

They're acting from an attitude that says it's just & right to hurt children in order to achieve certain ends. They'll defend their belief that their own parents were right to punish them, that they're right to punish their children & that their children will be right to punish their children.

"After all," so many parents say, "how else can you get them to behave?" And many, even when they're told "how", still punish their children. On a deeper psychological & social level, parental punishers of their children do so because their children make them anxious by confronting them w/behaviors & feelings which the parents themselves have learned to hide, suppress, repress & disown.

They must condition their children as they were conditioned.

Children threaten our identity, security & reality. We harm them in order to stop our perceived threat that their behavior will harm us. It's a myth that we punish children for their own good. We punish children so that we'll be secure. Our children have the power to elicit our tender & loving feelings.

They also have the power to frighten, anger & embarrass us. From being punished, children learn to distrust & fear their parents. Other than that, children & parents learn nothing. By condoning punishment as a disciplinary tool, we perpetuate the acceptability of the use of force & power to control others.

At the same time we perpetuate our ignorance & our fear. We use punishment in order to stop behavior rather than having the courage to confront & understand it. By openly dealing w/the underlying causes of the child’s behavior, both parent & child have the opportunity to get a better & more realistic view of the child's actions & any potential danger to the child &/or to the parent.

We evolved to protect children from harm, not to harm them.

The belief in our society that punishing children will make them into social beings reveals our alienation from the socialization process that is normal & natural to our species. We become genuine social beings from developing in relation to tender, nurturing & non-harmful others.

Alienated from our own need for tenderness & hardened since birth by life in a non-nurturing society, we teach our children that punishing them is proper parenting that will help them to grow right & to be good.

We don't seem to understand that punishment doesn't make children social, it merely teaches them to fit into a society which separates us from each other – a society which isn't based on the human capacity for tenderness or on concern for another, but on the absence of these.

Punishing our children sabotages the nurturing & protective feelings that we evolved to have towards them. It destroys the unity of parent & child. It teaches us to violate the rights of others. As a socially condoned practice in child rearing, it damages & insults the human species.