about failure

Failure

Failure is something we all know about. Every one of us has tried to do things that we were unable to do. Every one of us has wanted something that we didn’t get. Every one of us has experienced loss and defeat. Every one of us has fallen short of goals we set for our-selves.

Every one of us could spend a long time cataloguing all the ways in which we don’t live up to our expectations for ourselves.

• We fail our parents.
• We fail our lovers.
• We fail as children.
• We fail as colleagues.
• We fail as friends.
• We fail as concerned citizens.
• We fail in our jobs.
• We fail as moral beings.
• We are all failures.

The culture in which we live, is hard on us when we fail because it provides so many ways in which we can fail.

Ours is partly a culture of nostalgia in which "back then" is too often and unhistorically, seen as a simpler and better time. We fail to live at the right moment.

Ours is a culture of consumerism with a constant message of dissatisfaction encouraging us to buy new products everyday, which is, of course, impossible. We fail to live as commercials tell us we should. 

Ours is a culture of sports where winning is everything and losing is like death.

We may laugh at Charlie Brown; we don’t aspire to become him. Too often we lose as he always does and again we fail.  We’re all failures, assisted often by elements woven into the fabric of our culture: nostalgia, consumerism and the ideology of winning as the only value.

Failure has always characterized the human race. There’s never been a time of perfection on earth, save in our imaginary visions of ancient Gardens of Eden and Golden Ages. The real world has always been about error and imperfection and mistakes and dead ends and losses.

The real world has always been about failure.

Few of us aren't bothered by failure. Guilt is as common among human beings as eating and sleeping. We worry about raising our children well. We’re concerned about poor performance in our jobs.

We agonize over offenses committed against our friends. We feel inadequate before a world too large and complicated for us to move it towards good. We often regard illness as failure and at least in the western world death has long been so understood.

Christianity has taught our culture that death is the wages of sin, the failing of Eve and Adam which we inherited.

We fail and we don't like it. But failure is the way of the world. Learning how to live with failure is therefore one of the most important tasks of our lives.

Learning what the role of failure is can free us of needless anxiety. It can help us avoid the extreme of feeling that failure is equivalent to disaster. It can keep us from hiding from our own errors by ignoring them or blaming them on others.

What might be involved in a wise attitude towards failure, our own, others' and the failures that seem to come by chance? 

On a subject as urgently important as failure, I feel it mandatory to use the most profound illustrations I can find. Life is a metaphor for baseball!

The first thing to say about failure is that sometimes it really isn’t our fault. Some failures are built in to the way we are. Some are part of a society that doesn’t allow us to be fully all that we are.

Recognizing when failure is caused by factors that we didn't create or that we can’t entirely control can help us to live through failure and into accomplishment. Part of what’s required is that we understand ourselves: who we are, what we’re capable of doing, what truly matters to us.

I vividly recall a young girl at the Massachusetts Hospital School for Handicapped Children seeking me out to ask if a nurse's aide had spoken the truth to her. The aide had said to this girl, whose life was profoundly challenged by the cerebral palsy with which she'd been born, that the reason for her disability was that she was the sinner.

I assured this frightened child that such wasn’t the case, that the causes of her difficulties were physiological not moral. When I left the Hospital School to come to Michigan, I was still not sure she believed me.

She saw her deeply challenged life as a failure on her part. I hope that in time she was able to set aside that nurse's immoral lesson in order to appreciate that sometimes nature is cruel and we don’t always know the reason why.

What she had to do, what everyone has to do is to live the best we can with what nature gives us. Live the way Jim Abbott does. Born with only one hand, he wasn’t ever going to make his way as a pianist. But he made his way as a very successful baseball player, by vote the 4th best pitcher in the American League this past year in only his 3rd season.

Curse the fates, not ourselves and get on with life when the things that hold us back aren’t our doing but nature's. Forget perfection. It's not in the nature of things. Lewis Thomas has written about the most fundamental failure of all, what he calls "the wonderful mistake."

Thomas writes that the capacity to blunder slightly is the real marvel of DNA. Without this special attribute, we’d still be anaerobic bacteria and there'd be no music.

Viewed individually, one by one, each of the mutations that have brought us along represents a random, totally spontaneous accident, but it’s no accident at all that mutations occur; the molecule of DNA was ordained from the beginning to make small mistakes...

Failure is in the structure of life, biologically and unavoidably sociologically as well. We create societies to help us to live. Sometimes, like our basic molecules, they fail us too. Consider Dave Pallone. For almost 10 years he was an umpire in the National League.

When it was learned that he was a gay male, he was eased out of his job. In his book about his experiences, Behind the Mask, Pallone tells of trying to come to terms with being a gay male in a world - that of baseball - that simply had no room for anything but heterosexuality.

He had to hide a very important part of who he was. There was so much pressure on him that to create a better heterosexual disguise he began a romantic relationship with a young woman. He hoped, he wrote, "against hope that I'd eventually be physically attracted to her."

It never happened. It couldn’t happen. He's a gay male, physically attracted to other men. The hurt she felt when he left her without explanation - what could he have said? the anxiety with which he lived through his years as an umpire weren't basically his fault or failure.

These wounds to him and to her and to others were caused by a society that hasn’t yet matured enough to fully accept persons who’re lesbian or gay or bisexual.

Baseball and America still don’t live the truth that love is what should matter, not gender.

When Dave Pallone understood finally that his sexuality wasn’t a failure on his part and when he was able to quit trying to hide this essential part of his personality, he became by his own testimony a much happier and a more fulfilled person.

We can be too when we’re able to see where the failures and flaws of our lives really aren’t our responsibility, but that of nature or the culture in which we live. This is an important thing to remember and to look for when we fail.

Gould goes on to comment that evolution proceeds by fits and starts, not in a smooth and unruffled manner. Bits and pieces of the past linger beyond their usefulness, life our 5th toes.

From these "mistakes", we can understand how the human animal came to be as we are - those extra functionally useless toes once helped us climb trees and to whom we're related.

Henry Petroski makes a similar point in his book, To Engineer Is Human. Failure, he says, is always a shadow on human existence and particularly on engineering. Yet failure is essential to engineering.

He tells the story of his 11 year old son constructing a slingshot from scraps of wood and rubber bands. Endless problems plagued the lad:

• sturdy enough wood was hard to find
• designing a way to keep the rubber bands from slipping off the top edges of the slingshot was difficult
• the rubber bands wore out quickly

Problem by problem, failure by failure, though, the boy learned how to put together a durable and accurate slingshot.

Petroski points out that the boy was learning one of the principal lessons of engineering:

to learn by mistakes.

The corollary lesson is also important: don’t expect perfection.

One of the most vital lessons to be derived from failure is what Carlos Fuentes calls the "values of defeat." He’s pointing to the fact that when we fail, we learn something fundamental about human existence that we can learn in no other way.

One very astute woman once remarked that - we must learn from the mistakes of others because we won’t live long enough to make them all ourselves. Whether we’re building a house or designing an automobile or teaching a class or managing a baseball team, we can learn from what others have done wrong:

• not to build on sand
• not to make the gears lock in Park when the car is on an uphill incline
• not to ignore the differences in learning speed and interest and previous knowledge of each individual student
• not to pretend that every player is as good as every other player

If we don't learn from others' failures, we discard one of humanity's advantages: the accumulation of knowledge so that we don't have to start at the beginning every time we do something.

There are times when spiritual values outweigh material values, making success appear in a very different light than otherwise it might. Here a people's soul has failed. Though they’re no longer enslaved to white men, they’re now bound by their remorse at failing their own high standards of attitude and conduct.

Just as success is sometimes really failure, so is failure sometimes not what it seems. Martin Luther was a failure as an unmarried Catholic monk, but a success as one who helped turn western religion upside down as a married theologian.

John Pierpont was a failure as a teacher, a lawyer, a businessman, a poet, a minister, a chaplain and a politician. But to this day, 120 years after his death, we’re still singing his song, Jingle Bells.

Joan of Arc perished in the flames of an inquisitorial pyre, but her example has inspired women and men for half a millennium since.

The remarkable women of the 19th century who labored for the right to vote mostly died before suffrage was attained. Without their efforts, failed efforts within their lifetimes, there’d have been no vote for women.

She sat apart, alone in the box, the symbol, the epitome of supreme failure. Miss Cynthie was rushed by the sinfulness of such work and defeated by the failure of her dreams of David's becoming a doctor of some kind, or at least an undertaker.

The show ends. David comes in front of the curtain. He begins to tap a little routine he learned from her as a child, just for fun. He talks about her and what she taught him of hard work and the joy of life.

She sees the faces of the audience, free of the burdens of their lives, simply enjoying the fun of this moment. A transformation comes over her. What had been failure in her mind becomes accomplishment, something worthwhile, helping people to play and to smile and to feel good so that it will be easier to carry their burdens when they must go back to them.

Who and what’s a failure depends in part on what standards we use in judging and on what perspective we have in looking at ourselves and our actions. Failure is relative.

The 4th thing I want to suggest is that to some degree failure is a measure of how big our dream is.

If we set our goals modestly, so that we shall always be able to achieve them, the likelihood is that we shall not often fail. The problem with this approach is that it brings forth another kind of failure, the failure to try to become all that's in us to become, a failure of ourselves to be willing to grow.

It would be like staying in the same grade in school for 3 or 4 years each. The work would always be done, but at the expense of our maturing. Bernard Shaw had it right: "A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable -- but more useful than a life spent daring nothing."

People who fail are most often people who've been willing to try to enlarge themselves. People who fail are people willing to risk who they are for the possibility of who they can yet become. Roger Angell has noted more than once in his astute observations of baseball that is failure that makes accomplishment meaningful.

Fearing failure  

As long as you fear failure, you will not be able to live life to its full potential. Fear places obstacles & blocks on every venture that comes your way.

And you're scared that you'll fail in this venture. And you end up either not trying at all or putting in a halfhearted attempt to placate yourself.

Each of us needs to sit down and analyze this situation. The first thing we need to acknowledge is that failure isn't a crime. It's merely a stepping-stone to success. And success is very often elusive. Some people get there. Most don't.

When we take up any venture in life, we shouldn't make success our primary goal. Sure, all the Olympians want to run for gold - that's what they participate for.

But more importantly, they're in it because they enjoy their game. They love the practice sessions and the way their adrenaline gets pumping. They enjoy working and reworking their technique. It's the process of reaching out to success that seems so attractive to them.

It's only one participant that gets the gold. But do the others hang their heads in shame? No sir! Not them. They enjoyed training for the Olympics. Loved stretching themselves and doing better than their best. And they'd love to do it all over again.

Are you planning to embark on a new project in life? Do it because you're going to enjoy it. Because you love the challenges and the competition. The thrill and the kill. The ups and the downs. You're there to take it all. Without the fear of failure hanging over you, haunting you in your dreams.

And life becomes a game. One that you're eager to play.

Failure Can Be Positive or Negative

Failure is a learning tool. Thomas Edison failed a thousand times before he invented the light bulb. Failure is trying to do things others haven't considered. It's a temporary byproduct of creativity.

It's challenging the learning process. It's experiential education at work. The real winners in life tolerate failure and the agony it produces. Success is achieved by those who're willing to take risk and lose.

Many people choose to engage in occupations and activities that are safe and conventional. They don't deliver satisfaction, fulfillment or joy in living. Their real failure is failing to move in the directions of their dreams.

If everything you do works, you aren't trying hard enough.

"I want to find people who've had to work hard and who've learned from their failures. Perseverance is no guarantee you'll succeed, but without it, it's almost guaranteed you won't"

Steve Case, CEO of America on Line

Bouncing Back From Failure

Do you see the possibilities of an idea, project or goal? Are you experiencing barriers that prevents fulfillment? With every idea, there are barriers, hundreds of them, if not more.

If you vision something that's different from everyone else, there are 2 reasons, you have an idea that few have considered or it's not practical.

How do you tell good ideas from bad one’s, research and listening to people’s reasons why it won’t work?

As a rule, no one will support an original idea until there's sufficient evidence that it's practical. Even when proving it's practical, people may reject it.

50 years after the light bulb was invented, some people still rejected it. You have to do all the legwork to find evidence. If you find evidence, skills and resources must be acquired at the same time everyone is telling you the idea is dumb.

This is a very difficult barrier to overcome. You see the possibilities and potential of a project while everyone else sees the risk and barriers. Also note, there's no success where research, facing up to pros and cons, isn't extensive.

Evaluate negative opinions to stay on the right track. Without negative opinions, it's easy to stray off course. The original concept of the light bulb was a dumb idea.

Negative opinions can discourage one to give up. For this reason, it becomes necessary to limit exposure of the project to people who can help, even if they disapprove.

Even a select group will not see the potential until you succeed. When you do succeed, others will no longer see the barriers, they're gone, they'll want to know how you did it.

What if the idea turns into a total failure? You learned a lot and next time you may get it right and succeed. No achiever has arrived without failure.

Most franchise, copying ideas and get-rich-quick schemes can be deadly traps. They come with high approval rating and no negative opinions. Their success is praised while the facts may be distorted.

People believe what they want to and easy success is what we want to hear. For this reason, there's little independent research. Lack of proper research leads to disaster.

What if the fantastic project turns into total failure? What does it feel like to be a sucker? Buying into a promotion is like playing the lottery, there's no way to learn how to buy a winning lottery ticket.

Failure is a learning tool. Our first reaction to failure is to blame anyone/anything but ourselves. If we perceive others are to blame, then there's nothing we can do to correct the problem.

We can't change people’s personalities, neither can they change ours. If we assume responsibility, then we can analyze what went wrong and take corrective action. This is the art of bouncing back from failure.

Failure is discouraging, it drains energy and resources, but it forces us to do things right. Failure separates those who think they want success from those who're determined to win.

Failure narrows the playing field. The first people out are those that blame others, next out are those who lost interest. The weak go first. The strong learn to hang in there and keep bouncing back until they win.

Sometimes failure is telling us we're going in the wrong direction. Here’s the dilemma. If we give up, is it because we were going in the wrong direction or because we gave up?

The only way to tell is to abandon the project or put it to rest for a time. Very often, this is forced on us because we're out of money or resources. When the mind is free of pressures, realistic planning emerges.

This lull wasn't wasted, it had great benefit, it's the art of redirection. When you try again, chances are you'll get it right. New outlook’s is the result of bouncing back from failure.

The Desire to Fail

For some reason, man has a natural desire to fail. This desire is difficult to identify because it's fulfilled in subtle ways.

i.e., People will max-out credit cards on trivia, creating debts that makes it impossible to fulfill their deepest dreams. They gamble when they know the odds are against them.

A habit of success requires the ability to recognize elements that destroy. The man that makes $30,000 fears risk. The man who makes $1,000,000 accepts risk. In the early stages, everyone in subtle ways fears risk and failure.

Fears, whatever they are, must be faced up too and dealt with. Fantasizing can help accomplish this by creating a burning desire that's more powerful than fear.

Leaders, who demand control over others, are teaching them to fail and ultimately themselves. It's easy to control people who accept the belief that they're failures.

In this situation, the motivation tool is reward and punishment. The intent may be to motivate people to cooperate, but very often the results remind people they're failures and many accept this as fact.

Disciplinary action means internal motivation hasn't worked and external motivation is reverted to. In business, the long-term results could be deadly. Self-fulfilling prophecy takes over.

Feeling like a failure?

 

Even when you have put your best foot forward.

You can miss the mark...   stuff happens.

You can miss your shot.

The thing is...  don't beat yourself up and count yourself out the game.

Let go of the feelings of guilt, fear, depression and shame.

When things don't work out, learn the lesson and throw away the pain.

Jewel Diamond Taylor

Failure doesn't mean that  I'm a failure, it does mean I haven't yet succeeded.

Failure doesn't mean I have accomplished nothing, it does mean I've learned something.

Failure doesn't mean I've been a fool, it does mean I had enough faith to experiment.

Failure doesn't mean I've been disgraced, it does mean I've dared to try.

Failure doesn't mean I don't have it, it does mean I have something to do in a different way.

Failure doesn't mean I'm inferior, it does mean I'm not perfect.

Facing Failure
Excerpt from EATING IN FREEDOM 

 

When Edison was criticized for his many failures at making a light bulb, he replied that he had found thousands of ways on how not to make a light bulb. It wasn't the one success that created the light bulb, but the thousands of failures it took to discover what didn't work.

 

Every success is achieved by learning from failure.

You will fail. It’s part of life. It’s inevitable. Are you ready to face failure? Ready to face it not once, but several times? Are you ready to pick yourself up and go on with the battle? Most don't; they give up when they’re at the closest point to success.

But everything worthwhile takes time, investment and facing failure. Nothing worth gaining is gained without facing failure. Failure is a doorway. You need to be ready to go through it.

Failure is devastating if you have low self-worth. Parental criticism drove home demeaning messages:

"you idiot, you blew it again." 

Feeling like a failure, we engage in self-flagellation, beating ourselves up and making endless apologies. We become focused on not failing instead of achieving.

Fear of failure is a terrible motivator. Instead, it’ll cause failure. When we do fail, it proves to us that we’re a failure and we believe it even more. But you’re not a failure. Every human makes mistakes. Why should you be any different? Making mistakes proves that you're not perfect.

We learn by our mistakes. They’re a part of life.

Blasted by Guilt

Guilt is anger directed inward, like a shotgun blasting pellets of blame at every part of our character. It screams,

"You're always blowing it."

It reminds you of all your other failures. You beat yourself up because you failed to meet some unrealistic expectation of yourself in a desperate attempt to regain control.

On the other hand, remorse or regret is good. It’s good to feel badly about what we’ve done, see it as wrong and want to change. Guilt ruins self-worth, but regret leads to change and growth. Guilt reinforces your belief that you’re a "bad" person. Regret focuses on the behavior.

Guilt has a powerful effect on our thinking and emotions. When we feel guilty, we become sensitive and defensive. We close off to stop being hurt more. But although we have withdrawn, we haven’t changed. So guilt is really a cover-up because we never get to the point of feeling bad about what we did and taking responsibility. Guilt allows us to stay the same.

Regret works. Regret a bad choice. See it as a mistake. Become intent never to make that mistake again. You’re not a failure because you made a mistake. You’ve made many good choices in your life. This wasn't one of them.

Feel bad for a few minutes because of the benefits you lost. Grieve the loss quickly, refocus on your goals then move on. Getting enthused about your goals is infinitely more effective than beating yourself up with guilt. The past is the past, but our future is bright in Christ.

Brothers, I don't consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead.

(Philippians 3:13)

Wrong Choice
If you were on a diet and you ate a banana split, you made a decision. You thought about it, weighed the good and the bad, then chose to eat ice cream. Your desire for fudge syrup, whipped cream and pineapple topping was stronger than your desire to stay on a diet, so you made a decision.

After the decision, you instantly blasted yourself with: 

"I shouldn't have done that."

If water flows down a predictable course, why should it flow down another? If you have a pattern of blowing your diet by eating ice cream, that pattern will continue until you change it, so how can you say you shouldn’t have eaten the ice cream? Your predictable behavior is to eat ice cream.

If you choose to eat ice cream, enjoy it. Make the best of the decisions you make. It wasn't the best decision, but you don't have to be perfect or make perfect decisions. Every decision requires you to weigh the good against the bad; otherwise, it wouldn’t be a decision

Blowing a diet by eating ice cream doesn’t make you a failure. Who said that you shouldn't fail? Was it your parents? Society? Your peers? How can they expect you to meet a standard that they themselves can't keep?

We all fail as humans; it’s a part of life. When you’re disciplining yourself, you will fail. And that’s acceptable. It’s OK to fail.

Guilt and the feeling of failure focus on the loss. We need to be focused on the challenge. No one would be reading this book if it were easy to stay on a diet program. So let's get realistic. You’re not a failure. You made poor choices. Although you may know that, the feeling of failure is inevitable and you need to be ready to face it with courage.

No Good "Should"

Get rid of the word should. Should looks back. There could be a million things that we should have done, but we can't linger in the past; we’re moving on to the future where we make the best of what we have and go on.

Instead of saying I shouldn't have eaten that, say:

• "It would’ve been healthier if I hadn’t eaten the __."
• "The best choice wasn’t to eat the __."
• "The most disciplined choice would’ve been not to eat the __."
• "I would’ve felt better if I hadn’t eaten the___."

"Should" statements punish. Punishment causes resentment. Positive statements focus on the reward. Rewards motivate us.

When You Fail, Challenge Your Thoughts of Worthlessness.

• "As long as I have something to contribute, I’m not worthless."
• "If the Creator of the Universe wants to be my friend, I’m eminently worthwhile."

Preparing for Failure

Expect your resolve to be challenged by emotional ups and downs. Temptation, getting depressed, becoming frustrated or disinterested can knock you off the path. If you’re prepared in advance for the fight, you’ll be able to get back on the path as quickly as possible.

Prepare for failure by learning visualization skills, self-encouragement, creative relaxation, avoiding ‘should’ statements, making resolute decisions and reaffirming your commitments. With these skills you'll escape the failure cycle. When you do, life will be a lot more fun. The little things won't bother you so much. You'll take the ups and downs of life in stride. You may stumble, but you won't fall.

Dumbing Down Our Kids

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will not make $40,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you "earn" both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers isn't beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger-flipping; they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you screw up, it's not your parents' fault so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning your room, and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. So before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life hasn't. In some schools they've abolished failing grades, they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.

Rule 9: Life isn't divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television isn't real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Whoever said that it was a parent's job to teach their children to drive? Must have been a kid. I think that should definitely be deleted from our job description! Well, mine anyway.

My oldest, who's now 18, decided that he needed to get his license by the first day of college. He decided this at the beginning of summer. Not that he was putting any pressure on me, mind you. What an experience it's been teaching that boy to drive. I think I deserve a medal - or at least a special prize. I don't recall asking for the assignment, but some how I was recruited to be his teacher.

Junior got his permit at 16 but didn't really have an interest in driving until his sister got her license before him. As graduation loomed closer, he began getting a hankering to hit the road on something other than a bike.

But the clincher was when dear Grandma offered to help them both get a car of their own to share (it seems they didn't care to drive around in my Caravan affectionately dubbed "The Woody"). It was then he was determined to get his license. And it was then that I was enlisted to be his instructor.

We made a deal. I'd share my vast knowledge of the road accumulated over 25 years of driving experience and he'd listen and learn.

Well, that was the deal I made anyway. It seems he felt a little differently about the situation than I did. We did both commit to driving everyday for a month before signing up for his road test.

Failure:

Feeling like a failure is very painful and a common plague to many. Failure also haunts successful folks as well. Even movie stars and pop singers, who’ve "made it,” complain of still feeling like failures and imposters.

Here’s a Personality Cluster for Failure. This particular cluster provides us with a sense that we’ll fail at everything we try because we are dull, inept, unskilled or untalented. Beliefs are:

• I can't perform as well as others.

• I'm a failure.

• Methods may work for others, but they'll never work for me.

• I'm no good at anything so why even bother.

• Whatever I do is doomed.

• Others are more capable than I am.

• If I failed once I’ll always fail.

• I lack the talent and skills that other people have.

• My failures haunt me - why would I want to go through failure again?

• Other people are much more successful than I.

• Even if I succeed, I'm an imposter because I’m really a failure.

• I've got nothing but bad luck.

• Trying only leads to more humiliation. Why bother?

• The universe has willed me to failure.

• My past life karma is here to collect.

Failure: if any of the above beliefs seem to fit, then you may want to clear them w/any techniquw w/which you feel comfortable. Feel free to change the language of any of the above beliefs to make them a better fit.

Our sense of failure can arrive from many quarters. We may have had parents who were hypercritical of our performances at school. We may still hear expressions like "Dumbo", "Stupid", "Yo lunkhead" echoing in our memories.

Sometimes we may have successful brothers, sisters & parents & we might make that comparison which gets the failure ball rolling. Even worse we may have had parents who didn't give a hoot about our performance in school or sports & this could set the failure challenge in motion. We may have done poorly in school & compared ourselves w/other kids.

LD kids often have to put up w/this secondary issue. Also not having limits set for you or having discipline in our upbringing can put us in line for a fall.

Failing or a sense of failure is based on some major distortions. These distortions are labels that don't cover all our behaviors.

To label ourselves a failure is to not take into account that we obviously have done some things right or successfully even if it may just be tying our shoes or turning off the lights.

When we believe we're failures we often rule out many of the successes we've had. We look back thru the glass darkly. Depressed folks will often report nothing but failures even though a closer examination will show some successful endeavors.

The sense of failure distorts the picture. It freeze frames a situation & makes mistakes & errors look as if they were for all-time & can't be undone. Folks who operate from more positive frameworks will mark off when things didn't work out as learning experiences or calls for changes in how we operate.

Mack reported the other night about some businesses that went South on him, but I'm sure he just regarded them as bumps in the road or signals that he needed to do things differently.

Martin Seligman wrote a great little book on emotional resiliency in the face of adversity. A lot of successful folks have run into roadblocks, but they tended not to see the challenges as being forever.

They saw them as instructive bits of evidence that they needed to do things differently.

You may want to take out that simple Re-labeling Process on the tech page & apply it to any stinging roadblocks you may have encountered. Look for what's learnable & valuable in those situations.

Folks who believe they’re failures & everything they touch turns to stone will often procrastinate or not even bother. It’s important to take action on important callings no matter how badly we feel. Getting up & doing gives us control, changes our feelings states & gets stuff done.

Some areas of corrective action w/failure are:

• Learn skills that’ll help take you out of a rut & apply them.
• Consider doing activities, which match your talents & then do them.
• Sometimes we need to work our way up the ladder, avoiding it can be more painful because it can put us on the periphery of what we'd really like to do.
• Handle any procrastination & tardiness issues if you're working for others. We can set our clocks & follow thru on agreed upon times.
• Check out those areas of your life you may tend to minimize.
• Appreciate those things that do work for you. Ask yourself: "What works?"
• Become aware of your abilities, skills, talents & achievements. Make lists of them & check them out.
• Observe what has worked successfully in your life. Can you replicate more of the same? How?
• If you see patterns of so called failure, see how you can alter or interrupt those patterns. All patterns are alterable.
• Leave yourself open to mentoring & feedback.
• Screw preordained life & being born under a bad sign. They're lousy excuses to live w/distorted beliefs. Ruts can be filled in w/concrete effort & new ways of seeing.
• Change is inevitable.
• We can also set aside living by success or failure. We can choose to live thru vitally absorbing & meaningful activity.

Even if it feels like we're dwelling in a concentration camp, we can still plant flowers, do well by others & take up meaningful activities. Eventually we can overwhelm the guard & liberate ourselves by our focus & efforts.

 parents & their children

approach an understanding of failure

An interview w/Dr. Terri Apter, author of "The Confident Child."

You write that 'self-esteem is now recognized as a key to children's successful development.' What are some mistakes you often see parents make in regards to their children's ''self-esteem?

The most common mistake parents make in regard to their child's ''self-esteem is to think that a child needs constant praise & protection from failure - or even criticism.

In fact, children as young as 5 or 6 become irritated by compliments that don’t mesh with their own hard-earned sense of reality. Excessive or indiscriminate praise seems to dismiss a child's genuine efforts to achieve something according to her own standards.

And children need to experience failure - that's part of learning. Just as a toddler falls many times in the process of learning how to walk, a child will fail to achieve her goal many times before she has some success. 

If parents try to protect a child from criticism or failure, then criticism & failure will make her anxious. This can make learning & improving very difficult.

How can we make our children feel proud so they don’t resort to destructive ways to feeling proud, to use a phrase from your book?

Too many programs meant to encourage 'self-esteem plug positive thinking & a barrage of self praise: they suggest a child tell himself that he's terrific & lovable.

But if a child doesn't have the skills to learn, to set goals & stick w/them, to interact positively w/other people, then he's not going to feel good about himself & that can feel awful! So he'll find other ways of feeling 'proud'- being tough, making others afraid, or working to hard to fit in w/a group.

These short cuts to feeling proud are destructive because they can block off the real path to feeling proud - which involves developing a set of skills to learn & try & care.

Many adults with problems find it hard to bounce back after disappointment. How can a parent equip their child for the inevitable disappointments in life? Is there really a way to build such resilience?

A child's inborn temperament will impact on how he or she responds to setbacks: some kids bounce back naturally & others don't; but parents can help build up resilience. One important aspect of resilience is the way a child looks at setbacks.

Suppose she's had a disappointing result on an exam, or played badly in a soccer game. It's easy to think, ‘I guess math isn't my thing,' or ‘I'm just not good at team sports.'

If a child looks at things this way, then the failure seems pretty well fixed & there's not much that can be done about it. Even if a child says, ‘I didn't get a good grade because the teacher doesn't like me,' & he isn't blaming himself, he can feel defeated because the result is outside of his control.

Parents can help the child realize his or her own part in the failure.

• Did he practice enough?
• Did he get enough rest beforehand?
• Did something disturb his concentration?

When the child can focus on the part he or she actually played in the outcome of the exam or game - or whatever - then the child can take steps to change the outcome. If you have some control over how well you do (which also means having control over how badly you do), then there's no reason not to be resilient.

If ages 5 to 15 are the years when a child's emotional intelligence is being shaped, what are some key things parents should do during those years?

Parents can encourage the development of a child's emotional intelligence during these crucial years w/a series of techniques called emotional coaching.

These involve talking to children about their feelings & those of others, accepting what a child says about her own feelings & then helping them find acceptable ways of expressing their feelings.

Most parents do this naturally, but may not realize how important it is & may not be systematic enough. It really helps, when a child complains about a friend or a sibling, to ask how she feels & how she thinks the other person feels.

But even in non crisis moments, parents can talk about why a brother or sister is behaving in a certain way, or help a child identify her own emotions (‘You seem disappointed', ‘You seem excited') & focus on the way her actions have consequences.

It's important to acknowledge negative feelings, but that doesn't mean she can act them out in any way she wants. So when she says, ‘I hate my brother,' a parent can acknowledge this (‘I can see that you're upset/ hurt/ feel left out') w/out allowing her to hit her brother.

Instead, a parent could suggest she focus on the problem she's having w/her brother & what she might do to make it better & how her brother might respond if she changed her behavior.

So handling anger & controlling impulses & empathy are learned alongside one another.

What are 5 signs a child may be suffering from low self-esteem?

Even when we think we know our child pretty well, it may be difficult to assess her self esteem - partly because, in the normal course of a child's life, a self image is in flux.

There are obvious signs of low self esteem - such as making (regular) negative comments about herself, such as hating herself or wishing she were dead, or feeling very pessimistic, especially about her own future.

But less obvious signs of low self esteem involve:

• anxiety when faced w/new tasks, because they're assumed to be ‘too difficult'
• having enormous difficulty making decisions, which is a sign that she lacks faith in her own judgment & she's afraid that she's likely to get things ‘wrong' (even if it's just deciding which coat to wear)
• being over-dependent on authority figures, who may be parents or teachers, but these ‘authority figures' may also be other children

What is the relationship between persistence & self-esteem?

There's a very strong relationship between persistence & self esteem. A child w/self esteem will have experience of success & achievement thru hard work. She wants to draw a good picture, or she wants to score a lot of goals, so she works at it & gets better.

She also has the capacity to tolerate frustration, which children can do when they have positive experiences of their efforts.

So when a child believes that he or she has some control over how well she does, then she'll persist w/her efforts.

I love the title of Chapter Four: 'How To Be An Imperfect Parent Without Ruining Your Child's Life." What can a parent do who has little patience & is burdened down w/their own worries about money & other pressing matters?

All parents are overburdened w/their own worries from time to time & patience is frayed & they're not those controlled compassionate wise people they think they should be.

If you can admit you're not at you're best, it's easier to help your child live with & even learn from - your stress. First, don't deny that you're unhappy, tense or depressed.

Children are naturally perceptive & they may accept what you say to protect you, but they'll know you're not being straight w/them. If you do admit what you feel, you can help them understand adult emotions & prevent them from finding these emotions too frightening.

But also make your positive feelings clear: you may be worried about having enough money for some things, while other things are taken care of; or you may feel very sad about a divorce, or your own parent's death, but you're happy about other things.

In times of stress, it's good to make a special effort to spend time w/a child. This doesn't have to be high interactive time (maybe you don't want to talk), but just let your child know you want to be w/her & that you like to hear her talk about her interests.

How can we encourage high standards of performance in school - while not making a child feel horrible when they don't live up to these standards?

When a child has trouble w/these, parents really have to work at helping a child express her own opinions, even when they differ from her friend's & refuse a friend's unreasonable requests. The skills in empathy & impulse control have to be put to use in this context, too.

Is it important to teach a child how to make & keep friends? Why or why not?

Children benefit enormously from learning how to make & keep friends. It's thru their friends that they learn about who they’re in the world outside their family & it's w/friends that they'll develop the skills they need to work w/other people, to compete w/them in a fair & decent way, to appreciate others' talents & perspectives, to negotiate w/other people & to confront them when necessary ('Why did you say that', or ‘I don't want to do that').

A child who can't make & keep friends tends to be pretty miserable & also to have a low self image (‘I'm not the sort of person other people like.')

Why are some children so popular in school, while others are ignored & teased?  What skills can a parent give their child so they’re one of the better liked children?

Popularity isn't easy to predict. It's fickle - a child is popular in one class, or in one school year & not in another. And I don't think popularity is at all necessary to a child's self esteem.

Children are popular for all sorts of reasons - many of them superficial. I'd worry about a child who craved popularity. It might be a way of compensating for feeling she really isn't up to much.

And when a child is teased, it may have nothing whatsoever to do with that child, but may result simply from some quirk of group dynamics in that class, in that year.

Parent's can't do much about popularity, but they help her achieve the confidence to withstand teasing, to walk away from abuse from other children & to make some friends.

How can a parent prevent prejudice from harming their child's self esteem?

This is enormously difficult & enormously important. It's heart breaking to see a child who knows he or she’s loved & valued within the family, come to realize that she's living in a society which has a set of negative expectations about her because of her race, religion or ethnicity.

Parents can help prevent a child internalizing prejudice (coming to believe that she deserves others' contempt or mistrust, or show willingness to enact negative stereotypes) by educating her about prejudice & explaining the different forms it can take - on the street, at school & even among friends.

Keep assuring her that she can model herself on anyone, that achievement is never disloyal & that minority status is never an excuse to fail.

Unfortunately, these reminders may have to be continuous & parents may want to encourage their children to extend their own awareness of prejudice.

Too often, the understandable anger against prejudice can lead children to protect themselves w/those destructive feelings of pride (‘I'm better than you- you, 're-trash', ‘I'm going to get respect by frightening or hurting or humiliating someone else') instead of the pride that comes from the skills of learning, working & caring for others. If a child does maintain these skills, then prejudice may still make her angry, but it won't destroy her spirit.

Raising Kids for the Journey Alone

by Doris J. M. Ballard

With each passing day, the journey takes its toll & you become more & more wrinkled & less & less sweet smelling. When you get to the other end, you're filthy & wrinkled, you have nothing to change into & you don't even have a toothbrush to freshen up your breath because you just didn't plan for the destination!

 

Won't you look (& smell) great when you get to your host's home? Your host will feel slighted that you thought so little of him that you couldn't have arrived at his door better prepared. What will the ultimate Host think w/the way you arrive at His door if you've prepared for that Destination in the same shortsighted way?

 

How many parents, either consciously or subconsciously, nudge their children toward worldly rather than spiritual goals? A priest who’s a friend of mine once told me that he's actually seen parents crying in disappointment when a son has chosen the priesthood instead of marriage.

 

How sad! No wonder there are fewer & fewer priests! Those same parents undoubtedly wouldn’t have cried if the same son had chosen to become a doctor, or a lawyer. Which part of the journey were they focusing on for their son: the passing voyage itself, or the destination?

Yes, it's difficult to tell a child that they can't be part of a sports team at school because all of the pre-game practices are on Saturday night & the games are played on Sunday morning! But if the parent doesn't tell the child the very first time such a situation comes up that belonging to the team would make it impossible for him to attend Mass & that the journey isn’t more than the destination, how will that child learn to put his salvation first?

 

Will he be able to put salvation first in business, when following the law of Charity may mean failure & getting ahead may necessitate dishonest practices?

 

Will he be able to put salvation first when he has to decide which lake side camp to purchase ... a more expensive, less attractive one near enough to a church to continue receiving the Sacraments & attending Mass, or a less expensive more attractive one out in the boonies w/no church within a day's drive? Will the thought even cross his mind?

 

The child who grows into an adult who's spent his life thus far putting the journey ahead of the destination will more than likely teach his children the same thing, if not in words, then in example.

 

And so, here we have the original parents w/a far heavier weight of responsibility: one for the way they led their own lives, one for the manner of living that their children have learned from them & then the same again for their grandchildren ... & on down thru the generations until, hopefully, someone in the chain of descendants sees the imbalance & corrects it.

... And I did. I took them out of school. I bought a ton of used books & began to home school them. I emphasized the destination over the journey in day by day living examples.

 

I'd like to say that this was the end of our problems. Unfortunately, it wasn't. I'd waited far too long w/the oldest two, since one was in high school & the other in junior high.

 

It made a difference, but nowhere near enough. It was far too little, far too late. In this case, only time will tell if too late was better than not at all.

 

As for the younger two, the results were very different. Both are young adults now. They say a daily family Rosary, belong to the Marian Movement & fast twice weekly.

 

Both are active Knights of Columbus & belong to a council, which is exemplary in its efforts to save the unborn. Both have spiritual wisdom not often seen in even many adults today. I've learned to value their advice over the years.

 

And I have to ask myself: What if I had started sooner???

Now I have the guilt of knowing that my oldest two, unless they experience some sort of epiphany the likes of which I was never able to spark for them, will pass their priorities on to their children.

 

My grandchildren. I sat in indecision too long & allowed the world to exert a greater influence on them than I did for too many years. I'm sure the Lord & I will discuss this in length when He & I come face to face.

 

I'm also sure, however, that the two youngest will pass their own clear-sightedness & priorities on to their children. Just as I can be certain that they’ll continue to pray the Rosary, fast & offer sacrifices for the salvation of their older siblings.

 

Children learn what they live. We can teach them thru action, or inaction ... & in either case their open minds will absorb whatever we exhibit before them, be it good or bad. Their arrival safe & sound at the end of their journey relies in a great part on how we prepare them for the destination. And so does ours.

When Kids Choose the Wrong
by Kathy Green, Jeannie Vincent & Alison Moore Smith

Beating a Legacy of Marital Failure

When a family breaks up, what happens to the children?

Divorce is a tragedy. It often devastates the couple involved & worrying about the children is an added burden.

 

There are short-term concerns, like:

• schoolwork
• social behavior 
• stress of going back & forth between households

But even worse are the long-term questions.

• Will they repeat my mistakes?
• Are their marriages doomed to end in divorce also?

Common wisdom & a lot of research would tell us that, "yes", children of divorce are much more likely to divorce when they grow up.

But I came across a research study that should give some hope to divorced dads who are worried about their kids’ future.

 

A team of researchers from Iowa State University found that though a legacy of divorce is a significant & challenging factor, there are other factors involved, like the quality of the one-on-one relationships w/their parents after the divorce.

 

The researchers believe that our children will learn much about relationships thru their daily interactions w/us as well as by watching the way we handle our marriages.

Now, there appears to be some limitations in this study. They observed teenagers over a span of about 8 years as they related to their parents & in their own romantic relationships.

The next 20 or 30 years will really tell the tale. And I’ve spoken w/many divorced people who discover that they’re, in many ways, following in their parents’ footsteps.

On the other hand, I do agree that fathers can overcome some of the long-term consequences of a divorce by cultivating a close connection w/their children & giving them lots of practice at communicating in healthy ways – whether it’s simply expressing feelings, giving affirmation, resolving conflicts & so on.

Now, let’s get back to what I said in the beginning:

 

divorce is a tragedy & has numerous negative outcomes.

 

The situations where divorce is the best option are rare. However, living as we do in a world where people make mistakes & are sometimes guided by selfish choices, we need to recognize that families do split up.

So, if you’re a divorced dad, don’t be overwhelmed or give up. All is not lost! Thru your warmth, encouragement & open communication w/your kids, you can increase the odds that they’ll avoid repeating your heartache.

Ken Canfield

We took a 17 year old boy into our home for a year or so. He came from a single parent family & was giving his mom a hard time.

Do you think he became a model kid just because he changed addresses. Not hardly, but underneath all the frustration & rebellion, there lived a good kid with great potential.

One day, while standing on the porch, I saw him coming home from school. He was angrily hitting trees with a stick & viciously kicking rocks out of his way. He didn’t know I was watching, so I moved out of sight & let him come around the corner before seeing me.

I inquired how things were going & he gave some kind of a mumbled - sullen answer. "What’s the matter?, I asked, "Did you have a test today?" He turned his eyes away from me & came up with a low-keyed, "Yeeesss!"

When I asked what his score was on the test, he hung his head & muttered angrily, "34!"

"Praise the Lord!" I exclaimed. His head shot up & his eyes jumped around in confusion. Disbelief was expressed in words as he said, "I tell you, ‘I made a 34 on a test,’ & you say Praise the Lord?" "Sure," I laughed. "why not?"

I went on to ask him which class it was. When he told me it was Algebra, I asked him if he'd ever taken Algebra before. He admitted that he hadn’t, so I told him, "That grade of 34 tells me you know 34% more about Algebra than you did when you arrived here.

Your teacher may call it failure, but I call it learning. I call it progress!

"Besides that", I said, "that’s not the last act in the play, it’s not the final chapter in the book. You're not stuck with that grade forever. You can go back & keep learning & take another test. Next time you may make a ‘54’.

The school may call it failure, but the school isn't taking care of you, I am. I'd call it improvement. I'd shake your hand & give you the ‘high five’ salute to success!

Your understanding of Algebra would be up another 20% from where you are today. How can anyone call that failure? You started out knowing nothing!"

I was on a roll. This was an unpremeditated speech. I was learning something about life that I'd never thought of or expressed to anyone before.

Since I was already on my soapbox, I continued, "And guess what? One of these days you’re going to make a ‘74’ & your teacher & the school are going to finally give you their approval, but what they don’t know is that you were ‘passing’ all along.

You were passing from one level of learning to another. You were passing from a ‘34’ to a ‘54’ & then to a ‘74’. Before you know it - you’ll be making a 94 on an Algebra test. Everybody will be so happy then - but I’m happy now & I want you to be happy!

This calls for a celebration. You're on your way to conquering the difficulties of learning Algebra!"

That kid walked into the house feeling ‘ten feet tall’. He went on to make good grades in all of his classes. The anger he'd shown that day was an anger against himself, mixed with a fear of hearing me chewing him out.

He was expecting condemnation & a chiding reproof for not studying harder. His mind had gone into a tailspin. If I'd lived up to his expectations, we'd have had a big struggle all year long.

He thought I was going to be his enemy & he had defensively set his heart on being my enemy. Sure, I cut him off at the pass & confronted him, but instead of burning his covered wagon, I became his friend & escorted him thru dreaded ‘Indian territory’.

We eased his way into a strange school & thru difficult studies. He still calls us once in a while to thank us for our investment in his life.

Over the years, he made some bad choices in life. I flinched when I heard about some of the mistakes he was making. But, then he would get up & try again. His improvement was slow - much slower than some people would have wanted it to be.

But, how can anyone judge another & say they've failed, when the test isn’t even over yet?

Every year that we live is merely ‘a new section of the test’. If we dwell on things we don’t know & things we can’t do or didn’t do - we'll never get to the new questions that need to be answered. We can still do a lot of good before the bell rings.

In this world we do need standards of approval which society creates for us. Many people fail to achieve anything unless their parents push them or until the pressure from ‘a boss’ demands it.

We need guidelines & deadlines. If we didn’t have food inspectors, our restaurants would sometimes get by with murder. We have to be able to face the fear of ‘failure our driving test’. We need to worry about ‘not being picked for the leading role in a play’.

Such requirements put the pressure on us to try harder, but we don’t need to let them rule our destiny!.

Don’t give up because you can’t gain your parent’s approval. Yet! Don’t sit down & pout because you didn’t ‘qualify’ for the regional competition. Yet!

Yet, is a good word to remember. Put it in your vocabulary every day.

One kid went out for track & came in last in every race. Everybody considered him to be a ‘failure’ except himself. He knew he wasn’t a failure. He was just coming from a lower strata of weakness & inexperience.

All summer, he ran on dirt roads & up & down hills. The most he accomplished in the coming year was to place 6th in a race.

A new summer found him going the extra mile again. Eventually, he came in 3rd & then 2nd, but he was never a winner. He kept exercising & pushing himself until he finally took home the coveted first place ribbon. Several years later, that scrawny little failure-figure, walked away with an Olympic Gold Medal!

Do not ever judge a man to be a failure - if he hasn’t died yet! I’ve watched dozens of ball games where a failing team ‘came from behind’ & won the game.

It’s never too late to have a change of heart & a burst of energy that will make the difference. Don’t give up on yourself. There’s always hope for change. There’s always an unexpected opportunity lurking around the corner. Good breaks come to those who persevere!

One man drilled & drilled for water & found none. He judged himself to have failed. He gave up & quit. He sold his land for almost nothing. (Without water, that’s what it was worth.) The new owner took over where the other man left off & drilled down ‘one foot’ & struck water! Success comes to those who refuse to give up.

Thomas Edison believed he could use electricity to create an incandescent light bulb. He conducted 3 or 4 experiments & failed to achieve his desire. He tried 10 or 20 more & failed to succeed. He tallied up a hundred & then 200 attempts to produce his miracle light & it never happened.

On the 750th disappointment, he told his helpers...

"Don’t call it a failure, call it an education.

Now we know 750 things that don’t work!"

They kept experimenting. After over 1,100 unsuccessful attempts they finally came up with a light bulb that worked!

At which point is a man deemed to be a failure? Edison’s critics labeled him a failure ‘early on’ in the ball game. The doubters called him a fool. Even those who believed in him got discouraged & thought he was out in left field on that particular project.

But, the man himself didn't have any ‘failure’ platelets in his blood stream. He didn't have a failure mentality & he wasn't going to develop one just because of the weaknesses of other people’s hopes & expectations.

Has anyone ever called you ‘stupid’? Does that statement make it true? If you're smart enough to forgive them & shrug it off, you're not stupid. If you're smart enough not to believe every lie someone tells you, you're not stupid.

Their disappointment in you doesn't make you stupid. Their anger toward ‘today's mistakes’ doesn't make you stupid. They're merely wallowing in their own weaknesses & problems. They don’t know any better than to take it out on you.

They're like a ‘fire out of control’. And w/out knowing why, they're trying to ‘catch your field on fire too’. Don’t let it happen. Don’t let the negative influence of others control your life.

Develop your own positive reactions to negative situations.

Fight for survival. Go upstream & cross-current. Make something of yourself in spite of all the garbage they dump on your head. Opposition, adversities, delays & hindrances are all a normal part of life & living.

Have you ever heard of a bicycle racer who expects to ‘coast’ up a mountain? That’s absurd & it’s crazy to think we're going to coast our way into the accomplishments & achievements we dream up for ourselves.

Any fool can coast downstream & eventually be swept out to sea. Lewis & Clark didn’t do any coasting. They went upstream & over mountains. They endured hardships, hunger & tons of difficulties, but they enjoyed the excitement of seeing fabulous new territory that no one else had seen before.

Life is a struggle, but he who refuses to quit, turns his struggles into triumphs!

Jerry Dempsey took his place at bat & proceeded to strike out. He'd also struck out once in each of the last 5 games. He'd failed to make a hit in 16 times at bat. He'd really hit a slump in his career.

The game went into extra innings & he came up to bat again. His team mates groaned out loud as he put the bat to his shoulder. There were already two outs. One more would retire the side & allow the other team to have a new chance to score.

Jerry was aware of his batting record. He knew how everyone felt. Their negative feelings were all over him like ‘wet’ in a rainstorm. But, as he stood there, he kept picturing the good hits he had made in his career.

He saw those balls sailing high over everyone’s heads. He remembered his 7 home runs. He had done it before & he knew he could do it again. He wasn't a quitter. He wasn't a failure. He had merely been in a slump & every slump has to end sometime, so why not now?

Even the pitcher had a negative attitude about this guy. He was expecting to strike him out again. But, Jerry refused to live up to everyone’s expectations. He refused to lay down & give in to their mentality.

He saw the ball coming & let loose with every ounce of fury he had within him. Crack! The ball exploded with a furious reaction of it’s own & high-tailed it completely out of the ball park! The crowd responded with a standing ovation of thunderous applause!

Here was a man who'd been ‘put down’ by television & newspaper reporters. He'd been labeled as a ‘failure’ game after game after game. So what changed the people’s minds? Was he really a failure? No matter how bad you're doing - the label will never stick if you don’t give up - if you don’t quit!

If all your supporters have abandoned you; if no one believes in you anymore & if no one's in your corner cheering you on - don’t give up.

If you have to go on alone - then go on. If you have to encourage yourself, then do it. But, if you have already joined the pessimist’s parade, by continuing to put yourself down - then quit it! Stop it! Just stop it, I say!

It’s bad enough when others are against you, but how can you ever succeed if you insist on being an enemy to yourself?

People don’t fail because of circumstances. They often fail because the ‘failure mentality’ has latched onto them. Like a deadly disease, it eats away at them from the inside.

Disease can be whipped - even if it's a disease of the mind.

My words are an antibiotic of the strongest kind, attacking the defeatist attitudes that keep you beaten down.

PARENTS' CORNER

"Catch your child doing things right"

I recently had an interesting conversation with a Division 1 athlete from the mid-west. A very bright, conscientious & talented leader of his soccer team, this individual was also his own worst enemy.

He held exceptionally high standards for himself & when he violated those standards, he’d come down very hard on himself. He informed me that this had been going on ever since he played on his very first Little League team.

If he had a great game, went 4 for 5, but struck out on his last at-bat he'd walk away feeling like a failure & dwelling on that strike-out for days.

What I found fascinating was how "skillful" he was at catching himself doing things wrong. Even when his supposed transgressions were relatively harmless from my perspective, he treated himself as if he had committed some heinous crime.

While this athlete had a fair amount of self-esteem, when he got into these states, he experienced himself as pretty worthless. Now where would a kid learn to dwell so much on the negative?

It's been said that self-esteem makes the world of performance go round. That is, the better you feel about yourself, the better you'll perform.

A talented, well-conditioned athlete without adequate self-esteem or confidence will consistently under achieve. Therefore it stands to reason that as a parent, you want to do everything in your power to build up, not tear down your child-athlete's self-esteem.

Sending your child into the world with a healthy sense of self-esteem is truly a gift that will last a lifetime & positively color everything that they do. On the other hand, chronically low self-esteem will handicap a child long after the games of childhood have been put away.

Keep in mind that building self-esteem in your child isn’t about simply offering praise & positive feedback no matter what your child does. Telling your child that she was great when in fact, she made numerous mistakes & played way below her capability will not build a healthy sense of self-esteem.

On the contrary, it'll artificially inflate her sense of self & set her up for a major fall later on. What's more, she will know, on some level, that your feedback wasn't really genuine.

In addition, ignoring or colluding with your child's un-sportsman-like behavior & then praising the resultant victory will not build a healthy sense of self-esteem.

Instead, it’ll produce an un-likeable, immature, poor sport. Likewise, making excuses for your child when he fails because you don't want him to feel badly about himself will not build a healthy sense of self-esteem.

What it’ll do is teach your child to make excuses for himself & never assume responsibility for his behavior. This will also set your child up for some serious failures later on in other parts of his life because of a learned unwillingness to honestly look at his own shortcomings.

How can anyone possibly achieve mastery & excellence in anything without looking at & working on failures & weaknesses?

You build healthy self-esteem thru appropriate recognition of effort. You build self-esteem by "catching" your child doing little things well. By hunting for & highlighting behaviors & actions in your child that are positive, you’ll end up reinforcing these (which means you’ll ultimately see more of them) while you help your child feel better about himself.

If you're in the habit of emphasizing the positive, you’ll also teach your child to do that for himself & to later on teach it to his children.

i.e., let's say your child struggles with anger, frustration & tears whenever she makes mistakes or has a bad practice. Her behavior gets in her own way, distracts the team & annoys the coaches. Let's also say that in this one particular practice that you watch, she starts off badly & her anger & frustration once again get the better of her.

However, she quickly seems to pull herself back in control & finishes the practice on a positive note. As a parent you now have a choice when you get home.

You can "catch her doing things wrong" by telling her how upset & disappointed you are that once again she lost control, OR you can "catch her doing things right" by telling her how proud you are that she was able to turn her frustration around & finish practice in a positive way.

The first option will keep the child stuck & feeling badly about herself. The second option will build self-esteem & encourage problem-solving behavior, especially if you ask her to discuss how she was able to turn the frustration around.

If you want to build a healthy sense of self-esteem in your child, it's always useful to keep this important parenting question in mind before you open your mouth. "What do I really want my child to learn from this interaction?" Like it or not, much of how you feel about yourself was unknowingly engineered by your parents in their interactions with you.

That is, you learned to feel good or bad about yourself in direct relation to how your parents responded to what you did & how you did it. Having an awareness of this may help you to be a little smarter when it comes to building your child's self-esteem.

 

without or almost without hope; "despondent about his failure"; "too heartsick to fight back" [syn: heartsick]

 

per·sis·tence   

n.

1. The act of persisting.
2. The state or quality of being persistent; persistency.
3. Continuance of an effect after the cause is removed: persistence of vision.

u·nique   

adj.

1. Being the only one of its kind: the unique existing example of Donne's handwriting.
2. Without an equal or equivalent; unparalleled.