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the bad apples Author: Adam Khan

 

WHEN DALE CARNEGIE WROTE his classic book on human relations, How to Win Friends and Influence People, he left out a chapter; it wasn’t finished on time, so the book was published without it. The chapter was supposed to cover the subject of dealing with people you can't win with.

For most people, when you treat them fairly, they treat you fairly in return. But as you know, there exists in this world a small percentage of people who will simply take advantage of you when you try to treat them fairly.

There are people who'll play games with you, deceive you & some who will actively prevent you from making your relationship work.

Carnegie’s unwritten chapter was for the times when “somebody has to go to jail, be spanked, divorced, knocked down, sued in court.”

Even beyond those extreme cases, every once in awhile you’ll get stuck working with or having to interact with someone who continually brings you down or in some way makes your life difficult.

They may seem to be very nice people. They might smile & come across with a lot of charm. But the end result of your interactions are: You’re worse off. You try to make things work, you try to be fair & you get the short end of the stick every time.

You’ve tried to talk with them, perhaps & it doesn’t make things better & they probably make you feel bad for saying anything.

I have no fancy methods for dealing with these people. You can’t really deal with them. If they’re doing something illegal, you can certainly call the police, but most are too clever to do something illegal.

My wife uses a good analogy in her speeches. She says trying to make things work with these people is like trying to wrestle with someone who is covered with mud:

You’re going to get muddy. No matter what you do or how well you do it or how noble your intentions, you’ll get muddy.

So instead of trying to make things work out with these people, the goal is to avoid dealing with them at all. Go for minimal impact. Have as little to do with them as you can get away with (without causing yourself trouble).

Ideally, you'd eliminate them from your life completely. Stop calling, stop visiting, stop being nice. You don’t have to be mean about it. Just fade them into the background & then all the way out of the picture.

I know this isn’t a perfect world. Sometimes you’ll have to keep interacting with someone who won’t let you make things work. So go as far as you can to minimize their effect on your life.

Talk to them as little as you can, look at them as little as you can. Focus your attention on your purpose & on the rest of the people around you.

When you come across someone & nothing works w/him, cut your losses. Don’t waste any more effort trying. This is a big world full of wonderful people & a few bad apples.

Concentrate your attention on the good people & waste as little of your attention as you can on the ones who bring you down.

You can do it a little at a time & it'll improve your attitude. And if it improves your attitude, it’s good for your relationships with your family & friends & it’s good for your health.

Try not to waste too much of your attention on people who bother you.

Fairness is playing by the rules, taking turns, sharing & listening to what others have to say. Fair people don’t take advantage of others. They consider all sides before they decide & they don't blame other people for something they didn't do.

What Parents Can Do To Promote Fairness:

1. Children become sensitive to issues of fairness very early, especially when they’re on the receiving end. Be sure to teach that fairness is as important when you’re giving as well as getting. Role playing (pretending) can be very effective if you put your child on both sides of the situation.
2. Be mindful about treating children fairly & not showing favorites.
3. Encourage fairness by praising demonstrations of sharing & taking turns & by using the words "you’re being very fair."
4. Listening to your child is a matter of both fairness & respect. Model good listening.
5. Be very careful not to accuse or punish a child unfairly. Remember that a punishment that is too harsh for the unwanted action will seem unfair to your child.

Life is Not Fair: And That Can Be Very Good For You

by Al Siebert, Ph.D.

With foreword by Bernie Siegel, M.D.

When you're hit by adversity or have your life disrupted, how do you respond? Some people feel victimized. They blame others for their plight. Some shut down. They feel helpless & overwhelmed. Some get angry. They lash out & try to hurt anyone they can.

A few, however, reach w/in themselves & find ways to cope w/ the adversity. They eventually make things turn out well. These are life's best survivors, those people w/ an amazing capacity for surviving crises & extreme difficulties.

They're resilient & durable in distressing situations. They regain emotional balance quickly, adapt & cope well. They thrive by gaining strength from adversity & often convert misfortune into a gift.

Are life's best survivors different from other people? No. They survive, cope & thrive better because they're better at using the inborn abilities possessed by all humans.

Surviving & Thriving: Using Your Inborn Abilities

If you're like most people, you haven't had good coaching on how to cope well w/ adversity, crises & constant change. This book shows you how to access your inborn survivor qualities & increase your range of responses for coping w/whatever comes your way.

This book shows how to:

• regain stability when your life is knocked off track

• cope w/unfair developments in an effective way

• increase your self-confidence for handling disruptive changes

• break free from childhood prohibitions that prevent many people from effective coping

• avoid reacting like a victim

• develop a talent for serendipity

• thrive in a world of non-stop change

By Bob Rosner, Allan Halcrow and Alan Levins

That issue can be either a big positive or a big negative. If it's a positive, people feel included & respected. They're more productive & more committed.

If it's a negative, people feel excluded & disrespected. They're less productive & far more likely to quit & go work for your competitor. And they're more likely to file potentially costly harassment lawsuits.

Huh? How did we get from baby gifts to turnover & lawsuits? Here's how: Your heterosexual employees take for granted that they can comfortably share important elements of their private lives at work. All those normal activities - from pictures to weekend plans - are reflections of that comfort. And that's as it should be.

In most work places, however, gay men, lesbians & bisexuals don't feel comfortable sharing anything of their private lives.

Although they may have been w/ a partner for years, they don't have any pictures on their desk. If they talk about weekend plans at all, they probably talk about "I" but never "he" or "she" & probably not "we" because it invites too many questions. They probably attend social events alone, or they come w/ a friend of the opposite sex.

In short, while their heterosexual colleagues have one life, they have two lives: work life & personal life.

A Productivity Issue

OK, but how is this your problem & not something for the U.N. Human Rights Commission to address? It starts as a productivity issue. Gay men, lesbians & bisexuals still in the closet at work expend an enormous amount of psychic energy protecting their secret.

If you doubt it, try this experiment:

Go an entire day without saying or doing anything that reveals your sexuality. You'll see "don't ask, don't tell" in a whole new light: Odds are that you'll be exhausted at the end of the day. And you'll have devoted a lot of thought & energy to protecting yourself that would have been better served solving a work problem.

So, if it's that much work to stay in the closet, then why not just be honest? Many gay people are afraid to be honest & for good reason. Gay men, lesbians & bisexual know too many friends who've been passed up for promotions or fired. Or worse.

They know people who've been called names, robbed, beaten up & splashed w/ acid. Yes, at work. What started as a productivity issue has become much more.

People faced w/ quiet indignity or violent hostility have 3 choices.

Fewer gay men, lesbians & bisexuals put up with it. Many take the issue to court. Others leave for jobs where they're accepted. Can you afford to fight a lawsuit or have good people walk out the door?

You may have religious beliefs that homosexuality is wrong, or you may simply be uncomfortable w/ the idea. We're not asking you to change those beliefs. But we are asking you to recognize that as a manager it's often your job to set aside personal feelings & treat people fairly. That's good business sense.

Here's how to do it.

Take Action

   Look at your company policies. Most large organizations (& many smaller ones) have nondiscrimination policies. If yours is among them, does the policy prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation?

If so, be sure you follow the policy. If not, suggest to HR or senior management that the policy be expanded. A clear policy is an important foundation for everything else you do.

   Review your benefit plan. Most employer-sponsored health care plans offer dependent coverage. Usually, however, dependents are defined strictly as spouses & children.

A growing number of companies, however, offer health coverage to domestic partners as well. If your plan offers such coverage, be sure your employees know about it. (Tell everyone about the coverage - not just those you think may be gay, lesbian or bisexual). If not, advocate to HR or senior management that such coverage be offered.

Having it offers a competitive advantage (Microsoft, IBM & General Motors are among the many companies that now offer the benefits.) And it's a matter or fairness: Married people are effectively earning more for doing the same work if health coverage is provided to their spouses without cost.

And don't worry about costs. Numerous studies have shown that only a small number of employees accept the benefits (many partners are covered by their own employers) & the claims made by unmarried partners generally cost less than those filed by spouses.

   Don't permit a hostile environment. Most people wouldn't think of telling a racist or sexist joke at work. Telling jokes about gays, however, is more often still accepted. It shouldn't be.

If you overhear such a joke, take the employee who told it aside & make it clear that such humor is unacceptable. Don't allow cartoons or images that impugn gay men, lesbians or bisexuals to be posted.

And by all means, don't allow any derisive or hostile remarks to be made to employees known or suspected to be gay. If an employee tells you about such behavior, investigate promptly & confidentially.

   Use inclusive language. If you or the organization is hosting a social event for employees & their families, be sure that invitations include "partners" or "significant others" & not just spouses. If employees attend these events w/partners, be sure you introduce yourself & welcome the employee's guest.

If you have policies allowing employees to take time off to care for an ill spouse (& in many cases the Family Medical Leave Act mandates that you do) or for bereavement leave, be sure that partners or significant others are covered by the policy.

An employee who loses a partner of 20 years shouldn't have to be at work the next day because his partner "didn't count" & it's happened.

   Be consistent. If some employees have photos of their spouses or children on their desks, don't tell gay, lesbian or bisexual employees that photos of their partners aren't allowed. (Yes, it happens).

If winners of a sales incentive program are sent on a trip to Hawaii w/ their spouses or significant others, don't tell gay, lesbian & bisexual employees that their partners have to stay home. If … well, you get the idea.

   Hold everyone accountable. You won't tolerate off-color jokes, obscene photos or lewd behavior from straight employees. Don't tolerate it from gay employees either. Gay people are entitled to equal treatment, but not special treatment.

Stay Out of Jail

   Don't discriminate. Currently, there is no federal law that prohibits job discrimination based on sexual orientation. However, such discrimination is illegal in several states & many cities.

Congress has considered federal law barring discrimination based on sexual orientation & most experts expect it to pass at some point. (Most Americans support the proposal).

To be prudent, don't make decisions about hiring, promotion, overseas assignment or other work-related issue based on someone's actual or perceived sexual orientation.

   Don't ignore harassment. Harassment law from any perspective is complicated. However, when it comes to issues related to sexual orientation it gets particularly complex.

There are 2 types of harassment at issue here:

1. Sexual harassment of an employee. There are two forms of such harassment: Demanding sexual favors or relations in exchange for promotion, job security or other work-related actions (known as quid pro quo harassment) or allowing an environment in which sexually explicit language, humor, images & so on are present (this can be seen as harassment because some employees feel they're working in a hostile environment). This kind of harassment is illegal no matter who does the harassing or is harassed; men harassing men or women harassing women is no more acceptable than men harassing women or vice versa.

2. Harassment based on sexual orientation. Sometimes employees are harassed based on their sexual orientation. In such cases, the harassment generally has nothing to do with sexual favors.

Instead, employees are taunted, humiliated or even physically abused because they are gay, lesbian or bisexual (or perceived to be).

Such harassment is similar to name-calling or threats to African-Americans, Latinos or women because of their race or gender.

Currently, there is no federal law against harassment based on sexual orientation. However, it's illegal in some states & cities. And it's always bad business.

The prudent thing is to protect employees from harassment & promptly investigate any claims.

Bob Rosner is the co-author of The Boss's Survival Guide (McGraw-Hill, 2001), along with Allan Halcrow, former editor of Workforce Magazine and Alan Levins, senior partner of San Francisco-based employer law firm Littler Mendelson. Rosner is also founder of the award-winning workingwounded.com. He can be reached via fax at (206) 780-4353, and via e-mail at: bob@workingwounded.com.

Real-Life Example

Gays were frequently the butt of jokes. Disparaging comments were common. No one at the office was "out."

 

And so the salesperson at the high-tech company decided not to let anyone know she was a lesbian. "I truly believed that if I came out, I could lose my job," she said. "At a minimum, I wondered about the territories I would get."

And so she lived in the closet. She never mentioned the partner she went home to every night - the one offering encouragement, a sympathetic ear about difficult clients & occasionally a shoulder rub. She never talked about her weekends or holidays. She often had lunch alone.

But professionally she was excelling. She surpassed sales goals & earned a bigger territory. The promotion required travel & because everyone assumed she was single, she was asked to travel on weekends. Soon she was among the company's top salespeople. And the lying began.

Her job performance caught the attention of the CEO, who invited her to his home for dinner. In a panic, she called a good friend - a gay man w/a partner of his own & asked him to go w/her as her "date."

After that, her friend was her date for all company social events. People even began asking when they were going to get married.

Then she won a sales contest. The prize was a trip to the Caribbean. She took the trip w/ her friend; her partner stayed home. But that trip put a strain on her relationship & on her friend's home life.

She was the company's top salesperson, producing more revenue than anyone else, but she quit; the strain had gotten to be too much.

"My boss never knew why I left," she says. "He still calls once in a while & tries to get me back. I loved that job, but I could never go back. Life is too short."

Do At Least the Minimum

Don't allow gay, lesbian or bisexual employees to be treated w/less respect than other employees.

Get More Information

Straight Jobs, Gay Lives: Gay and Lesbian Professionals, The Harvard Business School and the American Workplace by Annette Friskopp and Sharon Silverstein, Touchstone Books, 1996.

Dismissing People Fairly - What you really need to know

Most Employment Tribunal claims arise from dismissal scenarios. There are a range of pitfalls & safeguards of which you need to be aware to negotiate thru this minefield at minimum expense & w/ a high level of security.

This course covers all of these issues including:

Dismissing in accordance w/ the contract; what notice to give; how (& whether) to pay in lieu of notice; bonuses & share options; breach of contract claims on dismissal & how to avoid them; references – whether to give & what to say!; holiday pay; permanent health insurance & the long-term absentee employee

Unfair Dismissal

• Misconduct dismissals – operating a good disciplinary procedure; examples of disciplinary action – drugs, alcohol & smoking, e-mail & internet abuse; absenteeism

• Capability dismissals – ill health, poor performance, incompetence

• Business reorganizations & changing employment conditions – the employee who refuses; taking over a business ("Transfer of Undertakings")

• Danger areas! Dismissing pregnant (& other) employees & those w/grievances

• Redundancy – when is an employee or a position redundant; how to consult & select properly; how to calculate a redundancy payment; managing redundancies to minimise the pain

Payments on termination of Employment; Compromise Agreements – achieving a fire-proof solution to a termination problem; the advantages of an agreement; what it needs to say & how to manage the process

Employment Tribunals – what you (& the employee) can expect if you get it wrong! Dealing w/Employment Tribunal claims; settling claims. 

IF YOU WOULD LIKE THIS COURSE TO BE PRESENTED ON AN IN HOUSE BASIS AT YOUR ORGANISATION SIMPLY CALL MBL ON 0161 374 4775 OR EMAIL information@mblseminars.com

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