forgiven - forgiving

"We are, by forgiving, in essence granting complete absolution & redemption. We relinquish our right to punish, cling to resentments & hold grudges.

We give ourselves & each other permission to move on, free of baggage & history, able to progress without the burdens of the past.

Forgiveness fosters our well-being when we know that no matter what happens, we’ll forgive & be forgiven. In an environment of love & forgiveness, we thrive."

I remember a teacher I once had who demonstrated forgiveness in action. No matter what crazy teenage thing I did, he always forgave me & looked for the good in my behavior, without judgment or resentment, even though my actions didn't make his life any easier. I never worked so hard for any teacher, nor learned so much.

Our organizations & employees will also thrive & flourish if we begin to practice forgiveness in the workplace. I believe that the primary purpose of leadership is to "create an environment of thriving," which allows people to grow, learn & contribute in a safe place where they feel they belong.

Forgiveness is the most challenging & essential element of attaining a more nurturing, fulfilling climate at work.

Systems Approach

Often we fail to think systemically in dealing with organizational issues. Each level of system has its own unique set of problems & opportunities.

Actions at one level of system will not necessarily produce the same outcome at other levels of system. Therefore, it’s important to be aware of how our actions affect each level of system.

e.g., I don’t want to work with the personal productivity issues of an individual team member with the whole team present. Rather, I’d work with that individual in a private setting to make requests or offer suggestions & coaching.

Only if it expanded into a team issue would I make adjustments with a team level intervention. Before going into how to develop a forgiving culture, we’ll look at the impact of a non-forgiving culture on different levels of system.

Impact of a lack of forgiveness on different levels of system

Context gives meaning. If we look at 4 primary levels of system in an organization as contexts, we can see how the lack of forgiveness at each contextual level produces different meanings & different outcomes.

At each of these levels, there’s a loss of energy, which we use for covering up, playing safe & avoiding potentially painful situations. We can use this energy to learn, grow, connect, or be more productive.

Table 1 shows the predictable outcomes of a context where forgiveness is missing.

If these symptoms are present at these different levels of system, it’s a good indication that forgiveness is missing.

Table 1. Impact of lack of forgiveness on different levels of System

Team	Organization
Internal competition Lack of common direction Fault finding Jealousy Negative politics Gossip Manipulation Stress Frustration Denial Score keeping Distance	§ Controlling behavior § Secrecy § Mistrust § High turnover § Protective behavior § Back stabbing § Over work § Out of balance § Confusion § Political posturing § Non-coordinated workforce § Low allegiance

As you can see from Table 1, the costs of not forgiving have an enormous impact at each level of system.

Inept Individuals

If individuals feel that they’re not forgiven or they can't forgive themselves, then there’s a risk of increasing separation, which leads to "doing their own thing" & creating safety by becoming more invisible or adversarial.

It’s predictable that they'll withhold their discretionary effort, creativity & authenticity, becoming increasingly more alienated, self-absorbed & preoccupied with doubt & self-criticism.

Since the most common need of most people in an organization is to belong, this alienation will continue to grow until that person leaves the organization or becomes an ineffective member of the organization just waiting for retirement.

I remember one person in an organization I worked with who had made a mistake in his calculations on a project, which meant that the project came in way over budget. The president of the company yelled & screamed at him in front of the management team. From that time on he made sure that he never made any mistakes.

He did his calculations over 3 & 4 times, building into his departmental culture a "when in doubt, play it safe" attitude. This caused an enormous slowdown in productivity for the entire company.

The manager communicated less & less with the other members of the management team & was eventually let go in a company-wide reorganization. Would this very talented & skilled employee have acted differently if his president had supported him thru forgiveness & considered the healing power of forgiveness as important as reprimanding?

Dysfunctional Dyads

Two-person systems (dyads) where forgiveness is missing are breeding grounds for upset & conflict. When one person feels justified in holding on to anger, blame & resentment, the other person feels a need to protect himself or herself.

Both parties feel victimized by the other, bringing about protective behavior that leads to justification, faultfinding, avoidance & malicious gossip.

The individuals involved will often go to others in the organization to gain agreement on why they’re feeling justified in avoiding the other person.

The conflict can soon create tension or bring about punishing behavior in other relationships, increasing the complexity of the initial issue. By gossiping about another person to someone else, that person is now involved in the conflict.

Not long ago I was working with a CEO & a VP of an organization to support them in establishing clear working agreements with each other. When we had established the basic operating agreement, I guided them towards speaking about their underlying concerns.

The CEO felt they had a good working relationship, in spite of what he called "regular head butting," but wondered if the VP really trusted him, even though they’d been working together for many years. For the first time in their 15 years of working together, the VP felt free to discuss his mistrust of the CEO.

After inquiring into the source of the mistrust, it turned out that the VP was still holding onto resentment towards the CEO over a time 10 years earlier when the CEO wouldn’t approve the VP's request for educational support.

He’d been using this resentment as evidence for why he couldn't trust his boss for over a decade.

When the CEO apologized & the VP forgave him, a completely new energy & enthusiasm entered their working relationship. The VP took on greater responsibility & freed up some of the CEO's time to work on some community projects that he had wanted to devote himself to promoting.

Team Tantrums

When a team is blamed for a mistake, or is hurt in some way intentionally or inadvertently (which is most often the case) & there’s no forgiveness present, the team members begin to feel like it’s "us against them."

Conversations between team members revolve around what’s wrong with the other teams or "corporate."

It becomes difficult to unravel the situation because no one appears directly involved. You can’t forgive phantom entities like "them," "accounting," "sales," "HR," or "corporate." This team separation leads to score keeping, negative politics, internal competition & kingdom building within an organization.

Not long ago I was working with a large financial institution that went thru a major reorganization. One group that was very profitable for the company was put under a new management structure such that the team leader, who was greatly revered by her team members, no longer had direct access to the CEO & founder of the organization.

This person felt hurt & rejected.

The team members, sensing her pain & feeling their own sense of betrayal, began to share their discontent & anger with the situation. Great conflicts arose with other teams & departments, further separating them from the rest of the organization.

They appeared as prima donnas, difficult to work with, leading to more controls being placed on them & more anger & discontent.

Where they’d felt a certain level of status & respect for many years, they now felt unappreciated & abandoned. Work & profitability suffered; the leader who had been responsible for building this very successful, talented team left the company as did many of the team members.

Off-kilter Organizations

At the system level of organization, we’re dealing with cultural issues from within the organization & community perceptions from outside.

A culture that doesn’t promote forgiveness will be engaged in negative & destructive politics. People will be afraid to speak out & will hide their true feelings; secrecy will be the common operating mode, employee trust will be low & turnover will be high.

In a climate of secrecy, people assume the worst, which leads to internal competition, gossip & misinformation. Burnout is common in this type of organization.

It takes a great deal of effort to produce even the smallest results. Rapid response to internal / external failures & breakdowns will be difficult. The employee community itself may be distrustful & find it difficult to forgive the organization.

Compare the public response towards Johnson & Johnson's Tylenol scare to the handling of the Exxon Valdez oil spill. Johnson, known for their caring & compassionate culture, responded immediately to the public by recalling all the Tylenol products from the store shelves across the country, while they were simultaneously developing new tamper-proof packaging.

The result led to an increase in market share & increased customer loyalty....

Contrast this with the public (& shareholder) outrage at the way Exxon handled the Alaskan oil spill. They moved slowly, trying to cover themselves legally & to minimize their losses while the media was showing images of lifeless oil-soaked birds, dead fish & a decimated coastline.

It didn’t appear that Exxon cared anything about the environmental impact of the accident. People were & are still angry, even hostile towards the company, people sold their stock, protested at shareholder meetings & many still avoid an Exxon gas station at any cost.

Exxon has never made a public apology for the damage done. Had this organization had a more forgiving culture inside, it almost surely would have acted more responsibly & appropriately to the situation. Exxon would have tried to work more in partnership with the community who, in turn, would have been more forgiving....

Forgiveness always begins with telling the truth.

Most of us have some appreciation for the healing nature of forgiveness in our personal lives. Even if we don't always practice it! But, in the world of work forgiveness is an act even more rare than the expression of authentic gratitude & appreciation.

It’s the intention of this series of articles to show that, in this new economy, which is characterized by escalating speed of change, increasing alienation & a growing search for meaning, it makes good business sense to practice the art of forgiveness.

True forgiveness supports the retention of valued employees, allows for greater creativity & innovation, leads to increased profitability & generates greater flexibility in adapting to changing market conditions.

Forgiveness isn't reconciliation. We have to make a separate decision about whether to reconcile with the person we're forgiving or whether to maintain our distance.

Forgiveness is an act of flushing out the poisonous, repetitious thoughts that destroy our happiness & cause havoc in our lives. It restores the mind to wholeness. It's something nice we do for ourselves, not something nice we do for someone else.

Thru forgiveness we take responsibility for our thoughts & mental state, but no particular action is implied. Since forgiveness is taking responsibility, it's accomplished by first acknowledging the nature of our own thoughts & seeing clearly the conflicted beliefs that our mind holds. It's not accomplished by denying our thoughts, arguing against them, or by trying to replace them with "good thoughts."

Once we admit that we have certain dark impulses, once we know what those are & how they operate in us, then & only then can we turn to the place of stillness & wholeness within us. If we take this 2nd step before the 1st step is completed, the disrupting lines of thought soon return & repossess our mind.

Dr. Luskin, Director if the Stanford Forgiveness Project, discusses the power of forgiveness & his new book, Forgive for Good. Luskin explains that,

"forgiveness is about today & tomorrow & not about the past."

by Kate Bedford

Dr. Luskin holds a doctorate in Counseling & Health Psychology from Stanford University. He's the Co-Director of the Stanford -Northern Ireland HOPE Project, an ongoing series of workshops & research projects that investigate the effectiveness of his forgiveness methods on the victims of political violence.

He served as the Director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, the largest research project to date on the training & measurement of forgiveness intervention. He currently works as a Senior Fellow at the Stanford Center on Conflict & Negotiation & as a Clinical Science Research Associate at the Stanford Center for Research in Disease Prevention.

Recently I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Luskin about his work at the Stanford Forgiveness Project & his new book Forgive for Good. According to Luskins research, forgiving has tremendous emotional & health benefits.

In his studies people who learned to forgive increase their optimism & reduce their physical symptoms of stress. Dr. Luskin hopes to help us become forgiving people, capable of forgiving life's little annoyances & injustices as well as profound losses.

As Dr. Luskin explained to me, "Forgiveness is not something esoteric, it is something people do every day."

Kate: This is book is filled with great hope & your research has shown that forgiveness training increases optimism. Can you talk a little about hope & optimism?

Dr. Luskin: To me, the whole passion of this work is that people have the capacity to be more & better & kinder & gentler & decenter than they knew themselves to be.

It's simply a matter of learning & training. Something like forgiveness, something like optimism, something like compassion can be taught.

Forgiveness isn't esoteric: It's not unavailable: It's not for other people. To me that's a message of great hope. And I know now, thru this research, that we can teach people to become forgiving people. So it isn't as much hopefulness as it is passion, guided by the fact that I know it can happen.

Hope isn't even strong enough, in the sense that I know that every single person has inside of them a reservoir of great kindness, great compassion, great love & great forgiveness & there are ways to crack into this reservoir in almost everybody.

That's hopeful news in terms of the human species, though it isn't new. Every religion talks about a quality underneath all of our selfishness, crankiness & unkindness, a soul-like quality that lets us be better.

Kate: Your work in Northern Ireland demonstrates the power of forgiveness can you tell me a little about that project?

Dr. Luskin: We brought a group of people from both sides of the conflict in Northern Ireland, each of whom had had a family member killed in the troubles. Most swore on a stack of Bibles that they'd never forgive, they'd never move & they'd never change.

When we did an exit piece the prevailing sentiment was, When I came I was convinced that all Catholics (or Protestants) were evil & from Hell & that's really the way I was raised.

But, after spending a week like this, I've come to 3 conclusions. I don't have any reason to hate them all. They're not all bad. And they suffer in the same way I do. I may never fully forgive the one person who shot my son in cold blood, but he isn't going to control my whole life.

The world is bigger than that. It's filled with suffering & pain & the people that I met from the other side of this conflict suffer in the same way.

Kate: That was how far they had come.

Dr. Luskin: In one week, which is to me remarkable.

Kate: People often have misconceptions about forgiveness.

Dr. Luskin: That's the biggest reason people don't forgive.

Kate: Can you explain a little about what forgiveness isn't?

Dr. Luskin: 1st:

forgiveness isn't condoning unkindness. You don't have to run off & reconcile with someone who treated you badly.

And 2nd, on a very much deeper level

you don't have to start by forgiving the most hurtful person in your life. That would be like learning to mountain climb on Everest.

You want to begin with someone really easy to forgive & build on that.

Those 2 misconceptions keep people from even considering forgiveness because it's too awful; it's too far away & assumes that I'll have to like them again. You don't have to like them again. You just have to extricate yourself from your extra suffering & from your conception of yourself as a victim. Then you regain your life.

Kate: Do you think people resist forgiving someone because they're afraid it lets that person off the hook?

Dr. Luskin: Of course & yet you have to ask what the hook is. Nelson Mandela has his famous quote;

"resentment is like drinking poison & waiting for it to kill your enemy."

If we want to set up our minds as hooks to hang other people, then we have to understand that those people are going to occupy a lot of space in our minds.

And we have to determine whether or not it's worth it. Every time we critically judge someone who did a great unkindness to us:

a.) they're renting space in our minds
b.) they're activating stress chemicals
c.) we're announcing at some level that we haven't gotten past something that's already done

So the question is, who is hooked? Who is the one w/the impediment? I'd argue it's more inside of me or I wouldn't be upset about it. We're willing to suffer in order to make believe that we're holding people accountable. It's not such a healthy strategy.

Kate: According to your book, when people are hurt & unable to forgive, they create grievance stories. What's a grievance story & how is it different from a retelling of the facts?

What I'm suggesting is that we make peace with the fact that other people may not follow our rules & we can't make them.

Since you can't force someone to follow your rules, what do you do now that you're in a situation where your powerlessness is apparent?

Do you want to spend years in grief & continue pounding on an imaginary wall trying to make that person do what you want, or do you want to make peace w/the fact that in this situation your power was insufficient to change that persons behavior?

Kate: And then you can make a decision about how to handle the situation.

Dr. Luskin: Maybe leave. Maybe find another solution.

Kate: When I read you examples of other peoples unenforceable rules, that their husbands should be faithful, that their employers should respect their work, I kept thinking, but they should be enforceable, they're such legitimate expectations. Then I realized that this is exactly how people get stuck.

Dr. Luskin: All the time. It may be a legitimate expectation, but there's still no guarantee. And that's the difference. You may have a legitimate expectation that your car will start, but you still have to have some wiggle room when it doesn't.

People who have no wiggle room curse & scream & blow up at their car. People who understand that their car doesn't have to start, might say, Boy, it was good it started 98% of the time. Other strategies are available once you accept the fact that there are limits to what you can demand.

Kate: What suggestions do you have for a leader or parent to create a forgiving community?

3. Allow people the time to solve things when they're upset. You want to give people the opportunity for their better sides to come out.

4. When you give feedback or criticism, ask the person if they're ready hear it. Just ask, Is this an appropriate time? That would solve so many problems.

Kate: You say that forgiveness is more about the present than the past?

Dr. Luskin:
In any hurtful situation the question is how much suffering you're willing to experience now from something in the past that you can't change. Since the past is immutable, it's never about the past.

Forgiveness means that you take information & re-perceive it, re-process it with information from the present so that you suffer less. The essence of forgiveness is that something happened in opposition to your wishes & you can't change it. The issue is, in the present moment, what can you do to suffer less?

It can work in two ways. One, you disentangle yourself from your over-connection to this person. And two, you get a life. These two strands have nothing to do with the past. Now, when you disconnect yourself from that person, & when you get a life, your perception of the past will change.

However, if you try to heal that situation without disconnecting & getting a life, you'll just look back with pain. As you look at how you can suffer less, your compassion will grow naturally for both yourself & the person you need to forgive. You will begin to forgive to whatever capacity you choose.

Kate: In this book you discuss the importance of learning to become a forgiving person. That sounds like an EQ skill to me.

Dr. Luskin: That's the theme of the whole book. I see forgiveness primarily as preventative & secondarily as something to work out. It's very secondary that you forgive one specific event.

What you want to develop is the capacity to forgive when things don't work the way you want them to. And to really keep your heart open as much as possible, even when things aren't going the way you want.

If your airplane is late, can you forgive that & still enjoy the time you're waiting in the airport? Or forgive that there's traffic on the freeway, or that your friend is late? That is the quality I try to develop the ability to forgive the things that can turn us off to life because they aren't what we want.

Kate: What are 3 steps people can take to become more forgiving people?

Dr. Luskin:

1. Begin by forgiving the small things. Work on forgiving traffic, long lines, late planes, the things that don't really matter.

2. Forgive those you love. We erect roadblocks, called grievance stories, which stops us from loving. The most important people to forgive are those closest to us.

3. Always practice first. You may not be ready to forgive someone today, but if you were, what would it sound like? Practice saying it to yourself, say, when you're alone in the car. That's why when you're ready to forgive, it's available to you.

Kate: Thank you.

For kids

The guy on the other end of the line seemed annoyed. He knew a lot about computers. I didn't & my computer wasn't working. I needed help, but he wasn't being very nice.

You know what it's like when you're already feeling dumb & somebody makes you feel even dumber? Awful, right? That's how I was feeling.

Even though we eventually fixed my computer, it still made me mad the next day when I remembered the way he'd treated me. A couple of times the idea came to forgive him. But I thought I could deal with my feelings without having to forgive.

I was wrong. Here are some ways I tried that didn't work:

1. Making excuses. I put myself in the computer guy's shoes. "Maybe he'd had a bad day," I told myself. "Maybe he was tired." I could think of lots of reasons why he might have acted the way he did. But I was still mad. I didn't want an excuse. I still thought he should have been nicer.

2. Telling myself it didn't matter. Since I'd never meet this guy in person - or even have any contact with him again - it didn't seem important that I forgive. "It's not like he'll ever know if I've forgiven him or not," I told myself. "So what's the point?" But, I realized, I would know.

3. Not thinking about it. This will solve the problem, I decided. "If I just don't think about how rude he was, I'll forget all about it." But I couldn't forget. And why not? Because deeper than the feeling of being hurt was the knowledge that I needed a change of heart. Forgiveness was the only answer.

Real forgiveness isn't always easy. Anyone can say, "I forgive you," but feeling it deep down can be a whole lot harder. It sure was hard for me. I knew I needed help. So I decided to pray.

In the past, when forgiveness has been tough, I've found that listening to God & feeling His love make forgiveness possible. To me, listening means getting very, very quiet. It means shutting out all those feelings of hurt or anger, all the excuses, all the thoughts that are trying to get my attention.

When I tried that this time, here's what I heard: "And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And love is reflected in love " ("Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures," page 17). This first sentence is a line from the Lord's Prayer, which Jesus gave us. It's followed by what's called a "spiritual interpretation," written by Mary Baker Eddy. Her words give some insight into what Jesus was saying.

At first, I wasn't so sure about this answer from God. The first part of it seemed to be telling me that if I wanted forgiveness when I did something wrong, then I should be willing to forgive other people when they did something unkind to me. That made me a little mad, actually. All I could think was, "But I'd never be as rude as that guy was!"

That's when the spiritual interpretation kicked in: "And love is reflected in love." The issue, I realized, was that I thought that I was the one who had to do the forgiving. That I was the one who had to do the loving.

But this spiritual interpretation was telling me something different. The love I needed to feel for this guy was coming from God, who is love itself. Forgiveness was possible because God doesn't know anything but love. And since I'm His reflection, love was all I could feel or know, too.

Once I saw that forgiveness wasn't something I had to create or do all by myself, forgiving became simple, even easy. My anger & frustration over the way the computer guy had acted faded away as I felt God's love for him & for me. Forgiveness happened & it came from my heart.

So what's the point of forgiveness, especially when the other person may never know they've been forgiven? I think it has to do with feeling & seeing more of love's presence all the time, no matter what. With having hearts that are lit by love , not darkened by anger or hate. These are the kind of hearts that will help us change our world for the better. And what could be more to the point than that?

A new commandment
I give unto you,
That ye love one another;
as I have loved you,
that ye also love one another.

John 13:34

If forgiveness is divine, then most of us are less than saintly. But forgiving those who hurt you can bring a sense of personal peace that we can't experience when we refuse to let go of a past slight.

Besides, it's healthier. One recent study conducted by researchers at Hope College, in Holland, Michigan, showed that subjects experienced significant cardiovascular stress when they imagined revenge on people who had hurt them, but less so when they visualized forgiving their transgressors.

Stanford University's Forgiveness Project, in Palo Alto, California, has found that people who try to forgive report fewer incidents of anger & physical symptoms of stress than those who don't.

Starting the Healing

Don't wait for an apology. "Often we get very self-righteous: 'There's no way I'm going to forgive unless he says he's sorry,'" says Mariah Burton Nelson, author of The Unburdened Heart: Five Keys to Forgiveness & Freedom (Harper San Francisco, 2000).

"But when we do that, we could end up clinging to anger for years, often at our own expense. We're leaving our well - being in the hands of someone else." So start right now by recalling the facts of the incident & acknowledging your anger & hurt.

Empathize w/your offender. He or she may have acted out of ignorance, fear or pain. "There's a saying I use: Behind every jerk, there's a sad story," says Nelson.

Everett Worthington, Ph.D., director of the Campaign for Forgiveness Research, in Richmond, Virginia & author of 5 Steps to Forgiveness: The Art and Science of Forgiving (Crown, 2001), suggests role-playing the wrongdoer's part, or writing a letter to yourself from his or her point of view.

Adds Robert Karen, Ph.D., a New York City-based psychologist & author of The Forgiving Self: The Road From Resentment to Connection (Doubleday, 2001), "We forget that even people who love us very much will hurt & sometimes betray us. It doesn't necessarily signal the end of the relationship."

Think about the relief you felt when you were forgiven by someone you loved. "It's much more painful to contemplate your own faults & failings than others'," says Nelson, "but it's important for balance."

Perform a symbolic act. Says Worthington: "If you don't make it public in some way, then you may not believe that you've truly forgiven."

i.e., you could hold a large stone at arm's length & drop it when you're ready to forgive. Or light a candle & imagine that your anger is melting along w/the wax.

Remember that forgiving isn't forgetting. Hurt feelings can linger even after you've forgiven. You may even need to renew the pardon at some point. But letting go of a grudge frees you to move on. In the Stanford study, people who forgave found that the hurtful incident wasn't as painful anymore.

Finally, be sure to include yourself on the forgiveness list. Says Karen, "Forgiving others is just the mirror image of forgiving yourself."

We all have forgiveness work to do if we're still on this planet. In hypnosis & meditation we can access our higher wisdom. This allows us to have a different perspective of an experience. I'd encourage you to put yourself into this deep, prayerful state, allowing yourself to be in touch w/your wise mind.

Calvin Banyan, a renowned hypnotherapist, offers us some keys to forgiveness in this focused state:

Uncover any known causes of the hurtful behavior, leading to understanding. Consider probable causes. (An abuser usually has been abused.) I remember one of my clients looking into her mother’s eyes during hypnosis, seeing & feeling the anger & pain of her mother.

She was absolutely astounded by that fact. As a child, she was totally unaware of her mother’s deep - seated pain, though she knew that her mom had lost a young child. This awareness brought a new level of understanding & compassion for her mother. Forgiveness was inevitable.

The offender also experienced pain because of the thing he or she did. This isn't always true, of course. The victim may be suffering while the offender has long forgotten the situation. Freedom is letting go, not allowing the offender to control our lives by having power over us.

We uncover the regret that the offender may have over the wrong or painful thing. By moving into the “wise-self,” the part of us that knows, we can speak to the “wise-part” of the offender.

This is often difficult for the client to experience if they're not yet ready to let go of an issue. They often don’t want to hear that the offender regrets the actions & wants forgiveness.

If it's true, we discuss how the intent wasn't to hurt you, but rather the offender was trying to fulfill some need, want or desire. I believe that there's a positive intention driving any behavior. That’s why it's so important to separate the behavior from the intention. The negative behaviors w/hidden, unconscious positive intention are the ones that cause the chronic problems.

The Forgiving Marriage:

Overcoming Anger & Resentment & Rediscovering Each Other Michele B. Gamblin, MEd, LPC

It may seem confiding & against your better judgment to consider forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply. You believe that to forgive is to let the other person get away w/something. Acts of betrayal seem to be among the most painful to experience. It seems bad enough when someone you hardly know takes advantage of you or makes a fool of you, but it can be shattering when you feel so betrayed by your spouse.

When your spouse betrays you, someone who know well your needs & weaknesses, makes a mockery of the trust in the relationship. For the offender who’s seeking forgiveness, it can be a mistake to bring up the idea of forgiveness too soon; people feel misunderstood.

Forgiveness starts as a decision to act lovingly, even though you may feel justified to withhold your love. Often people must act on the decision to forgive, so they can begin to feel love again!

Guilt is the internal fire that burns within to frighten & condemn you. It can also be the light that guides you. It lets you know that you’re doing something wrong something undignified & makes it hard for you to pretend otherwise.

The reality of the situation is that no amount of talking, nor analysis of why the betrayal occurred, will completely do away w/the hurt. No penalty can be handed down that will satisfactorily pay off the debt. It’s vital to understand that the blocks to forgiveness are ultimately within you.

No matter how cruelly you've been treated, the power to forgive doesn’t lie within the person who hurt you. It’s a spark of Godliness, which can only originate inside of you. The more you can forgive another, the more you can be forgiven yourself. The more you forgive, the easier it is to forgive again.

A person should look critically at forgiving the same person for the same trespass, which continues to happen over & over again. Part of the forgiveness process is to not do the behavior again. No one deserves to be hurt continually. If the trespasser refuses to get help to stop the behavior then it may be time to end the relationship.

People can decide should be done by looking at the good and the bad in the relationship, make a decision & then ask God if the decision is correct. If it’s right there will be a good feeling. If it’s wrong then the mind will become fuzzy & the thought will be hard to hold on to. In this way all people can make good decisions about their relationship & other issues/problems in life.

Forgiveness. . . What's it for?
Larry James

LoveNote. . . If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa

Forgiveness works! It's often difficult, AND it works!

We often think of forgiveness as something that someone who has done us wrong must ask of US. There's always another way of looking at something.

My thoughts on forgiveness suggest that you focus on offering forgiveness TO the person who has wronged you. To not forgive them is like taking the poison (continuing to suffer for what they did or didn't do to you) & expecting THEM to die!

Someone once said, "To err is human, to forgive is Divine." Believe it!

Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It isn't something you do FOR someone else. It isn't complicated. It's simple. Simply identify the situation to be forgiven & ask yourself: "Am I willing to waste my energy further on this matter?" If the answer is "No," then that's it! All is forgiven.

Forgiveness is an act of the imagination. It dares you to imagine a better future, one that is based on the blessed possibility that your hurt will not be the final word on the matter. It challenges you to give up your destructive thoughts about the situation & to believe in the possibility of a better future. It builds confidence that you can survive the pain & grow from it.

Telling someone is a bonus! It isn't necessary for forgiveness to begin the process that heals the hurt. Forgiveness has little or nothing to do w/another person because forgiveness is an internal matter.

Choice is always present in forgiveness. You don't have to forgive & there are consequences. Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, resentment & a sense of betrayal can make your own life miserable. A vindictive mind-set creates bitterness & lets the betrayer claim one more victim.

There's nothing so bad that can't be forgiven. Nothing!

Some will argue that in the case of child abuse, the Holocaust, Saddam Hussain, etc, the abuser has no "right" to forgiveness -- such blessings can only be earned -- that forgiveness only leads to further victimization. Such acts are heinous & dispicable & w/time (& in many cases, therapy) they can be forgiven. Every day you may have to forgive again.

I believe that to withhold forgiveness is to choose to continue to remain the victim. Remember, you always have choice.

When you forgive you do it for you, not for the other. The person you have never forgiven. . . owns you! How about an affair? Just because you choose to forgive, doesn't mean you have to stay in the relationship. That is only & always your choice. The choice to forgive is only & always yours.

When you feel that forgiveness is necessary, don't forgive for your "their" sake. Do it for yourself! It would be great if they'd come to you & ask forgiveness but you must accept the fact that some people will never do that. That's their choice. They don't NEED to be forgiven. They did what they did & that's it - except for the consequences, which THEY must live with.

The hurts won't heal until you forgive! Recovery from wrongdoing that produces genuine forgiveness takes time. For some, it may take years. Don't rush it. It helps to focus your energy on the healing, not the hurt!

HEALTHY love relationships aren't possible w/out forgiveness! You can't have a loving & rewarding relationship w/anyone else, much less yourself, if you continue to hold on to things that happened in the past.

Regardless of the situation, making peace w/past love partners, your parents, children, your boss or anyone who you think may have "done you wrong" is the only way to improve your chances of a "healthy" relationship w/yourself or anyone else for that matter!

It isn't possible to truly be present & available to a new relationship until you heal the hurt & upsets of the past.

Forgiving someone else is to agree within yourself to overlook the wrong they have committed against you & to move on w/your life. It's the only way. It means cutting them some slack.

"What?" you say! "Cut them some slack after what THEY did to me? Never!" Let go! Move on!

Non-forgiveness keeps you in the struggle. Being willing to forgive can bring a sense of peace & well-being. It lifts anxiety & delivers you from depression. It can enhance your self-esteem & give you hope.

LoveNote. . . The things that two people in love do to each other they remember. And if they stay together, it isn't because they forget, it's because they forgive. - From the movie, Indecent Proposal

Forgive & forget is a myth. You may never forget & you can choose to forgive. As life goes on & you remember, then is the time to once again remember that you've already forgiven. Mentally forgive again if necessary, then move forward. When we allow it, time can dull the vividness of the memory of the hurt; the memory will fade.

Forgiveness is a creative act that changes us from prisoners of the past to liberated people at peace w/our memories. It isn't forgetfulness, but it involves accepting the promise that the future can be more than dwelling on memories of past injury.

There's no future in the past. You can never live in the present & create a new & exciting future for yourself & your love partner if you always stay stuck in the past.

If you're at war w/others you can't be at peace w/yourself. You CAN let go. . . & forgive! It takes no strength to let go. . . only courage. Life either expands or contracts in direct proportion to your courage to forgive. Your choice to forgive or not to forgive either moves you closer to what you desire or further away from it. There's no middle ground. Change is constant.

Want peace of mind? Forgive. The same energy you use to hold on (to not forgive), is the same energy you need to create a new & exciting relationship together; a relationship anchored in unconditional love.

Forgiveness helps you move forward. No one benefits from forgiveness more than the one who forgives!

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. The very word forgiveness is built on the root word "give." Forgiveness releases your partner from your criticism & also releases you from being imprisoned by your own negative judgments.

It's not surrender, but a conscious decision to cease to harbor resentment. In affect, it takes the poison our of your body. It cleanses your system of the poison that will surely fester & cause illness & continued misery if not released.

You can't take the poison & expect someone else to die. They'll go on with their life & you'll be the only one to continue to suffer.

Forgiveness is the key to your own happiness. Forgiving someone else takes moral courage. It ends the illusion of separation & its power can change misery into happiness in an instant. Forgiveness means choosing to let go, move on & favor the positive.

Forgiveness is a form of love within the context of a personal crisis.

To forgive is, in a sense, to love one's enemy. When forgiveness is given because you think you should, it no longer is forgiveness but an act of self-interest.

The act of forgiveness constitutes a mental bath, letting go of something that can only poison us within.

Robert Enright, a developmental psychologist at the University of Wisconsin defines forgiveness as "giving up the resentment to which you're entitled & offering to the person who hurt you friendlier attitudes to which they're not entitled."

Mona Gustafson Affinito says, "Forgiveness means deciding not to punish a perceived injustice, taking action on that decision & experiencing the emotional relief that follows."

Research has shown that people who are deeply & unjustly hurt by others can heal emotionally & in some cases, physically by forgiving their offender.

Forgiveness breaks the cycle of hatred, resentment, anger & pain that's often passed on to those around you.

Forgiveness. What it's for? It creates the freedom to create a new future beginning now!

LoveNote. . . One pardons to the degree that one loves. - Francios De La Rochefoucauld
LoveNote. . . Our capacity to make peace with another person & with the world depends very much on our capacity to make peace with ourselves. - Thich Nhat Hanh
LoveNote. . . Love is an act of endless forgiveness. - Peter Ustinov
LoveNote. . . Genuine forgiveness is participation, reunion overcoming the powers of estrangement. . . We can't love unless we have accepted forgiveness, and the deeper our experience of forgiveness is, the greater is our love. - Paul Tillich
LoveNote. . . To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you'll receive untold peace & happiness. - Robert Muller
LoveNote. . . You know you have forgiven someone when he or she has harmless passage thru your mind. - Rev. Karyl Huntley
LoveNote. . . Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past. - Alexa Young

If you would like to talk one-on-one with Larry James about relationship issues related to this article, you are invited to arrange for a private coaching session by telephone. Go to Personal Relationship Coaching for specific details.

NOTE: Since "forgiveness" is an absolute necessity for demonstrating a healthy love relationship with yourself, your significant other or your friends, we encourage you to "Celebrate Forgiveness" by reading up on the topic of forgiveness on the following links. . .

Read an article by Arizona Republic reporter, Jo-an Holstein called, "Let the Healing Begin." Larry James was quoted in the Nov. 6 article of The Republic's "Fit & Well" publication distributed in Scottsdale, AZ.

A Parable on Forgiveness

The Forgiveness Web - One of the most comprehensive forgiveness resources.

What is forgiving & forgetting in a relationship?

1. Forgiving is allowing another person to be human for faults, mistakes, or misdeeds. Forgetting is putting these behind you; they're no longer brought up & no longer remain a barrier to your relationship.

2. Forgiving is letting another know that there's no grudge, hard feelings or animosity for any wrongdoing. Forgetting is the lack of further discussion, with no ongoing negative references to the event.

3. Forgiving is letting the other person know that you accept as genuine the remorse & sorrow for actions or words that hurt or disappointed you. Forgetting is promising that this deed, whether of omission or commission, will not be brought up again.

4. Forgiving is accepting the sincerity of penance, sorrow & regret expressed over a grievous personal offense; making it sufficient to clear the air. Forgetting is your commitment to let go of anger, hurt, & pain over this offense.

5. Forgiving is giving a sign that a person's explanation or acceptance of blame for a destructive, hurtful or painful act is fully accepted. Forgetting is the development of a plan of action between the two of you to heal the scars resulting from the behavior.

6. Forgiving is the highest form of human behavior that can be shown to another person. It's the opening up of yourself to that person to be vulnerable to being hurt or offended in the future, yet setting aside this in order to reopen & heal the channels of communication. Forgetting is equally as high a human behavior; it is letting go of the need to seek revenge for past offenses.

7. Forgiving is the act of love between you & a person who's hurt you; the bandage that holds the wound together long enough to heal. Forgetting is also an act of love; in rehabilitation therapy, helping the wounded return to a full, functional, living reality.

8. Forgiving is the God like gift of spiritually connecting with others, touching their hearts to calm the fear of rejection, quiet the sense of failure & lighten the burden of guilt. Forgetting is the God like gift of spiritually touching others' hearts with the reassurance of a happy & full life with no fear of recrimination, remonstrations, or reminding of past offenses.

9. Forgiving is the act of letting go of temporary ill will, disappointment or the disgust that arises from the break in your relationship. Forgetting is bridging this gap in the relationship, eventually strengthening it against such a break in the future.

10. Forgiving is an act of compassion, humanity & gentleness by which you let another know that she/he is indeed a child of the universe upon whom a variety of graces & blessings have been showered & that current or past offenses need not be a barrier preventing goodness & worth to shine thru. Forgetting is the act of encouragement, support & reinforcement by which you assist the other person to rebuild, reconnect & re-establish a loving, caring, healthy relationship with you, others & the world whereby gifts, talents & skills are freely appreciated & shared.

Signs of the absence of forgiving & forgetting

Lack of forgiving & forgetting in a relationship can result in:

Irreconcilable differences between people
Indifference toward one another
An emotional vacuum in which little or no emotions are shown or shared
Chronic attacks or angry outbursts
Addressing or interacting with one another disrespectfully
One-upmanship: competition as to who can out do whom in terms of eliciting sympathy, compassion or understanding from outsiders
Seeking revenge from one another
Pitting the parties in the relationship against one another thru coalitions & taking sides
Chronic recalling & reminding of past hurts & offenses
Suspicions about the others' motives, behavior, attitudes, beliefs
Chronic depression
Chronic hostility
Name calling, belittling & demeaning one another
Responding to present behavior as if they were past behavior
Unwillingness to change &/or unwillingness to seek the help necessary to change

Beliefs shared by people who refuse to forgive or forget

I was hurt so much; how could you ever expect me to forgive & forget that.
I never deserved the treatment I received & I don't believe that forgiving & forgetting is deserved in this situation.
I'm sick because of that treatment; how can I ever forgive or forget that?
There are people who're inherently evil & they're despicable. No forgiving or forgetting will ever change that.
People are vicious & cruel & you always need to protect yourself because of that; so why try to forgive & forget what they have done.
It's a sign of weakness to forgive & forget.
It's just "giving in" to the others' power & control to forgive & forget.
There are some things you can never forgive & forget.
I never forgive, I just get even.
Revenge is the best way to heal wounds.
Don't cross me & I won't cross you; but if you do cross me, watch out!
Only God can forgive & forget, though at times I don't believe He does either.
What has happened in my life is God's seeking revenge for all the evil I've done in the past.
I have done nothing for which I need to be forgiven.
It's easy to say, "I'm sorry." You can never trust anyone who says, "I'm sorry."
You're just seeking my forgiveness so that you can come back & hurt me again.
You don't deserve any kindness, compassion or forgiveness for what you've done to me; I'll see to it that you're never able to forget it!
All people who do wrong deserve the worst life has to dish out.
I resent everyone who has hurt me & I believe that this makes me a stronger person so that I'll not be hurt again.
Anyone who could treat another person that way is undeserving of being forgiven, loved or cared for.

Behaviors needed to be able to forgive & forget

In order to forgive & forget, you need to practice:

Letting go of past hurt & pain
Trusting in the goodness of mankind
Trusting in the goodness & mercy of God to take over for you
Letting go & letting God lead you during a hurtful time
Believing in God's infinite justice & wisdom
Letting go of fears for the future
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable to growth
Taking a risk
Letting go of hostility & resentment
Working out your anger
Reducing competition
Overlooking slight relapses or steps backward
Developing a personal spirituality
Developing an openness to the belief that people can change
Developing trust in others
Facing conflict head on, resolving it on the spot
Open, honest & assertive communication with others concerning hurts, pains & offenses experienced
Seeking professional help when necessary to resolve the distance & coldness in a relationship
Recognizing your part or role in setting up hurtful experiences
Identifying & replacing the irrational beliefs that block your ability to forgive & forget

Steps to develop forgiving & forgetting in a relationship

Step 1: In order to increase your ability to forgive & forget, you need to recognize what this behavior involves. Answer the following questions in your journal:

What do you mean by “forgiving & forgetting in a relationship?''
Have you ever been forgiven in a relationship? How did it feel?
Has anyone ever brought up something from the past to remind you how you hurt a person? How did that make you feel?
What role do you feel forgiving & forgetting has in your relationships? How could you improve?
How has the absence of forgiving & forgetting affected your current relationships?
What are the signs of the absence of forgiving & forgetting in your relationship with your:
- (1) family of origin
- (2) current family
- (3) significant others
- (4) spouse
- (5) children
- (6) parents
- (7) relatives
- (8) friends
- (9) co-workers?

What beliefs block your ability to forgive & forget? What would be necessary to change these beliefs?
What new behavior do you need to develop in order to increase your ability to forgive & forget?
What role does the existence of spirituality play in your ability to forgive & forget? The lack of it?
Who do you need to forgive? What do you need to forget?

Step 2: Now that you have a better picture of what's involved in forgiving & forgetting, you’re ready to extinguish blaming behavior.

Letting Go of Blaming

It's easy to point the finger of blame at others for the pain you’ve suffered. This activity is intended to get you to point the finger of responsibility at yourself, to be better able to forgive & forget when you feel hurt by another's behavior.

Answer the following questions in your journal:

List an incident for which you're unable to forgive a person(s) & therefore are unable to forget.

How much energy, creativity, problem solving capability & focus on growth is sapped from you whenever you recall this hurt?
What feelings come to your mind & body as you recall this hurt?
How would you describe your role in this event? In what ways were you the victim, perpetrator, enabler, martyr, bystander, instigator, target, scapegoat, distracter, peacemaker, people pleaser, or rescuer?
Why do you feel strongly over what happened & how you were treated?