Embarrassment is an emotion derived from the feeling that by standing out, others may define us in a way that conflicts with a valued self image & more than that, these others have some power that threatens to isolate us from the social network.

To truly be shielded from embarrassment, you must believe in your own self worth.

overwhelming embarrassment can make you feel extremely confused & unhappy as well as a near-instant discomposure when one experiences deep feelings of shame or self-consciousness

To feel embarrassed means to feel scared to be glad or scared to be sad.

signs that you are feeling embarrassed:

• face feels flushed

• heart pounds

• you don't want to look at people

It's uncomfortable to feel embarrassed. Dealing with the feeling through the skill steps helps you to cope with your short term emotions & decide what to do next time.

• You get a first pair of glasses.

• Your mother catches you necking with boyfriend or girlfriend.

• You overheard when someone was discussing private things.

• You give the wrong answer to a question in class.

• You drop & break something that doesn't belong to you.

• You fall down on the playground or make a bad throw in a game.

• Your father sees you acting like a movie star while looking in a mirror.

• Your pants are unzipped in public. 

• You spill your water when you're eating at a restaurant.

6 ways to handle embarrassment 

(this time for real, no kidding aside)

Get to know it

Recognize what embarrasses you and understand what it does to you. Feel it and savor the physical impact. The more you can understand something the easier it can be to deal with it. Look at what makes you embarrassed. It may be particular circumstances, or behaviors or people.

Dissect it and look at ways of overcoming elements of it

Different things embarrass us in different ways. Some forms of embarrassment are easier to handle than others. So pick an easy win, something which you're confident of being able to deal with it and expose yourself to an embarrassing moment.

Remember, you're in control because you'll have put yourself there. At first, you'll probably still feel the effects but the more you look at how you're reacting and the more you're able to modify your own behavior - the less embarrassed you'll feel.

The blush of youth: Squirming adolescent embarrassment is down to brain function - and it's probably just as well - by Zoe Williams

With this background, imagine how I felt at the time when I realized that I not only had ended a several year engagement to a man (what would people think?!?) but also had separately fallen in love with the most wonderful woman I could ever meet?

I think a lot of the early stress created in my relationship with Xena was caused because of my FEAR of what others would think of the fact that I loved a woman. Family, friends, employer and co-workers would certainly ostracize me.

Every emotion in my body was heightened. I felt tremendous love and joy with Xena and complete terror over the fact that I was conscious that the way the world looked at me would change.

Talk about locking yourself in the closet!! I found the biggest one I could and parked myself in the back corner of it clutching a pillow and several blankets over my head. Xena on the other hand had never hidden who she was and in fact has always been devoted and proud to be a part of our wonderful community.

Unfortunately, the embarrassment that overwhelmed me as I learned more about myself and who I loved made me extremely confused and unhappy. This was new to Xena and she did all she could to help me through this difficult time. She even hid her life for those around me in order to protect my secret.

I spent my entire life trying to be what society would deem successful academically, athletically, socially and professionally. So much of my time and energy was focused on pleasing others that I hardly knew what would please myself. I attribute my desire to please others as one of the reasons why I came out to myself so late.

From the age of 7, when I first played Little League Baseball it important to note that family, friends and society made it clear that being a lesbian would place a horrible stigma on me. I was allowed to engage in these activities but I was to know that that put me in danger of becoming classified or worse yet, actually becoming a lesbian.

So here I was, deeply and truly in love with my soul mate but hating myself for becoming what others had feared - a dyke. My inability to understand and deal with my feelings of extreme embarrassment made the next several months andeven years of my relationship with Xena difficult.

My feelings of embarrassment led me to believe I'd become a failure. With that I began to loathe myself and make Xena's life and our life together difficult (isn't she a gem for having stayed with me thru all of this!!!!!!!!!!! Soul mates do those kinds of things for each other, though let's just say I can never repay her for what she endured.)

Finally, there was a moment when I had finally hit rock bottom with these feelings. I was at an event were I could participate in a sports activity that I enjoyed and Xena wanted to join me. Instead of becoming part of the group, Xena stood away from everyone and tried to be inconspicuous.

I remember looking over at her and thinking to myself "Here is this woman I love with all of my heart and I'm letting her feel like an outsider." At that moment I made a promise to myself (think Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With the Wind) that "As God is my judge, I'll never let Xena be treated that way by me again."

That was a powerful moment in my life. I knew I had to overcome my own fears in order to live up to that statement.

What I learned from having to face my fears was that I was the one not comfortable with me (DUH!). No one was more homophobic about the situation than Gabrielle. It forced me to look back on WHY I had these feelings. Between good introspection, Xena and a bit of professional objectivity I began to understand that basically I was afraid of rejection for things that were out of my control.

Solution, live the life that makes me happy and let the chips fall where they may. The surprise ending to this story is that things have worked out fine. I haven't had the negative reaction to my relationship that I was expecting.

In fact, I think people feel as if I'm more willing to share who I really am with them which makes them more willing to want to be my friend or spend time with me. Who would have thunk it??

As I continue to struggle with feelings of embarrassment in my life, I try to step back from those feelings and work on focusing on liking and loving myself. If you do those things, the opinions of others can be put into perspective. Clearly, I'll always care what others think about me.

However, I'll never again change my life or ask those I love to hide who they are. I want others to know that coming out is an extremely personal decision. There are no absolutes in this area. The only thing I can say is that on a personal level don't be embarrassed to be who you are.

Love yourself and live the life you feel compelled to lead and happiness will follow.

On Being Embarrassed

Embarrassment is an emotion derived from the feeling that by standing out, others may define us in a way that conflicts with a valued self image and more than that, these others have some power that threatens to isolate us from the social network.

I'd just like to assure you that the people that matter in your life and who know you, would never attempt such behavior. For those that don't care for your feelings and have motivation to undermine you somehow, realize this: they don't really have the power to embarrass you, you must first grant them that power by first allowing yourself to feel embarrassed.

To truly be shielded from embarrassment, you must believe in your own self worth.

I find that whether it's about thumb sucking or wearing glasses, or whatever, there will always be people out there whose egos can only obtain satisfaction by bringing those around them down in some fashion. And, it's a lot easier to change our own perceptions about ourselves then it's to change the world. Ultimately our inner strength conquers all attempts to undermine who we are.

Several things operate with regard to thumb sucking and embarrassment. First of all, there's the stereotypical belief that the thumb sucker is infantile. Stereotypes are, by definition, non-personal.

They focus on a set of notions that allow the believer in them to form conclusions, rather than think through a complicated issue. But their power derives from the fact that there is some truth in them, otherwise the believer wouldn't sustain.

And yes, since babies do suck their thumb, it's easy to see why this association would take root. But stereotypes do change as knowledge of their exceptions take hold. When enough facts contradict the stereotype, the widely held beliefs start to wither and hopefully change enough to accommodate the new information.

We'll never be free of stereotypes because it's the nature of being human to form conclusions. The conclusions we have about reality helps us to survive. But the conclusions that society has connected with thumb sucking don't fit all of the facts. Adults do suck their thumbs and the great majority of these adult thumb suckers aren't infantile.

In fact, many of them are successful, responsible adults with high levels of education and with jobs that demand sophisticated social skills.

So what do we do about our embarrassment?

I don't believe that thumb sucking is an important issue, like, for instance, racial prejudice or issues involving the Bill of Rights. For important issues that need fundamental changes in society we can all be thankful for those pioneers that were willing to forgo their embarrassment and stand up against the tide for the common good.

But for adult thumb suckers, the concerns they have about being able to do their thing without worrying about what others think of them is important enough to come to terms with. (I hope you'll excuse the comparison here of thumb sucking and constitutional issues. I realize the absurdity of it. But I'm making a point.)

The first issue, realizing that we aren't necessarily peripheral people is important. This site should prove to anyone reading it that there are numerous adults who still suck their thumb. This realization buttresses a feeling that, by not being alone, we share our humanness with others, our habit lies within the domain of being human with needs that satisfy requirements that are shared by many people.

The second issue is realizing that sucking ones thumb is, essentially, a harmless behavior. It doesn't interfere w/the rights of anyone. Contrast this to a tobacco habit and secondary smoke as well as a host of other behaviors that are considered, in varying degrees, to be socially acceptable.

The third issue is realizing that sucking one's thumb doesn't make one infantile; the fact that there are successful adults that indulge should dispense with that concept immediately. By realizing this we can derive knowledge that, though we may be habituated, we're still in control of our lives, capable of making adult decisions and dealing with adult responsibilities.

It's a habit, nothing more, nothing less.

The forth issue is realizing that those that love and care about us will accept us for who we are, whether it be lovers of classical music or hard rock, motorcycles or antique cars, smokers or thumb suckers.

So, if we'd been embarrassed about sucking our thumbs in front of our close friends or lovers, this realization would predict that, eventually, the relationship should survive, or even grow, since allowing us to be ourselves and allowing for acceptance always nurtures trust.

The last issue is realizing that those that attempt to embarrass us, or undermine our sense of self value, have the problem, not us. People who engage in ridicule feel threatened and feel a need to bring others down in dealing with their feelings. They aren't worthy of our friendship, or our feelings.

So, for the majority of us who don't think this issue is of constitutional importance, I'd suggest coming to terms w/our embarrassment by picking our friends carefully and trusting that they'll allow us our moments. And, when they do, they undermine the stereotype and chip away at the limits of those incorrect conclusions that even we may be guilty of possessing.

Child Embarrassed by Bodily Change

Martha (Marti) Farrel Erickson

Taken from Growing Concerns -- A childrearing question and answer column w/Dr. Martha Erickson

Question: My 12-year-old daughter has begun menstruating. I told her all about it before it began, so I thought she knew what to expect.

Normally she is a happy, outgoing, talkative person, but when it comes to this subject she clams up and absolutely will not discuss it. I cornered her in the bathroom to show her how to use the products, which produced results but also tears.

I've tried to be matter-of-fact, I've tried humor and I've explained that I'm not trying to embarrass her but just help her deal with something that will be part of her life for decades. But she'd rather ignore the subject, hide her soiled underwear and pretend nothing happened. How can I help her?

Answer: It's not unusual for young adolescents to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed by these bodily changes, even when they've known they were coming.

Knowing about something in the abstract is one thing; experiencing it firsthand is another. And the hormonal changes that accompany menstruation can make a girl extra sensitive and emotional. Not only are the physical changes hard for some girls to handle, but the onset of menstruation may trigger sadness about the loss of childhood.

One mother I know said proudly to her daughter, "Now you're a woman!" only to have her daughter burst into tears and say, "But I still want to be a kid!"

Since your daughter is doing fine in other areas of development, I wouldn't worry about her uneasiness at this point. Over time she's likely to get increasingly comfortable with her body's new rhythms. Meanwhile, here are some things that might ease the way:

• Put together a basket with a generous supply of the products she'll need, including laundry soap for dealing with soiled clothes. Tell her matter-of-factly that she can keep these in her room so she can have the privacy she wants. If she has questions or needs help, she can let you know.

• Tell her you realize she's not used to the changes in her body yet and you understand that. Lots of young women feel that way at first.

• Be mindful of what your daughter hears other people saying about menstruation. Often young girls hear older sisters, moms, or adult friends grumble about their periods. And young boys may make nasty jokes, leading girls to believe they should be ashamed. So it's important to balance this with a more positive, relaxed message.

Also, rest assured that as more of your daughter's friends reach this developmental milestone, the girls probably will talk among themselves and hopefully will help each other feel more at ease with their changing bodies.

Editor's Note: Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the University of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium, invites your questions on child rearing for possible inclusion in this column. E-mail to mferick@tc.umn.edu or write to Growing Concerns, University of Minnesota News Service, 3 Morrill Hall, 100 Church St. S.E., Minneapolis, MN 55455.