   The Virtue
of Friendliness
A monk is expected to be mindful of the
feelings of friendliness
towards all
living things. He's expected to cultivate assiduously this all embracing virtue of friendliness for the whole world, starting in the morning & continuing
throughout the day.
"Staying, walking or
sitting, or lying down, till he falls asleep, he should remain in this state of mind."
(Sutta Nipata)
In order to achieve this the monk is expected to detach himself mentally from his own body & look upon himself & all the beings in the world with true friendliness & love.
After spreading the feeling of love in all directions, he should practice the same with the other 3 virtues, namely, compassion, joy & equanimity.
It's believed that the practice of friendliness &
unbound compassion contribute
to universal peace & welfare
of the world.
The practice of friendliness would finally lead to gentleness of character, positive state of mind, inner peace, freedom from conceit, absence of anger, inner joy &
eventually freedom from birth & death.
(From Kuddhakapatha)
At a time of stress friends are invaluable.
Strengthening
friendships & relationships will alleviate the stress & anxiety of being alone.
There is truth in the maxim:
"A joy shared is doubled; grief shared is halved."
The various community
gatherings & the widespread display of the flag to demonstrate our solidarity are anxiety reducing measures.
Traumatic events may interrupt our established routine. It's important to re-establish your regular or normal routine. If you don't have an orderly daily schedule, now is an opportune time to create one.
Mealtimes, sleep, work, study
& other regular activities should conform to a schedule. And don't forget to schedule some spontaneous fun.
You would be surprised! Simple daily changes in your everyday rituals may make a difference for our environment. Please, read the article connected below by clicking on the links. Listen to me please, doing simple positive actions, that are not only helping the world and our environment - will also increase your confidence, self esteem & sense of purpose!
click here to visit abc.com's pages on global warming for more info!
if you clicked on the animation immediately left & you read the article....
Creating Loving - Friendliness
by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana
As you let go of negative states of mind, you create the space in your mind for the cultivation of positive thoughts.
Skillful
Thinking means that we replace angry or hostile thoughts with thoughts of loving-friendliness. Loving-friendliness or metta, is a natural capacity.
It’s a warm wash of fellow-feeling, a sense of interconnectedness with
all beings. Because we wish for
peace, happiness & joy for
ourselves, we know that all beings must wish for these qualities.
Loving-friendliness
radiates to the whole world the wish that all beings enjoy a comfortable life w/harmony, mutual appreciation & appropriate
abundance.
Though we all have the seed of loving-friendliness within us, we must make the effort
to cultivate it. When we’re
rigid, uptight, tense, anxious, full of worries & fears, our natural
capacity for loving-friendliness can’t
flourish.
To nurture the seed of loving-friendliness, we must learn to relax. In a peaceful state
of mind,
such as we get from mindfulness meditation, we can forget our
past differences with others &
forgive their faults, weaknesses & offenses. Then loving-friendliness
naturally grows within us.
As is the case with generosity, loving-friendliness begins
with a thought. Typically, our minds are full of views, opinions, beliefs, ideas. We’ve been conditioned by our culture, traditions, education, associations & experiences.
From these mental conditions we've developed prejudices & judgments. These rigid ideas
stifle our natural loving-friendliness. Yet, within this tangle of confused thinking, the idea of our friendly interconnection with
others does come up occasionally.
We catch a glimpse of it as we might glimpse a tree during a flash of lightning. As we learn to
relax & let go of
negativity, we
begin to recognize our biases & not let them dominate our minds. Then the thought of loving-friendliness begins to shine, showing its true strength & beauty.
The
loving-friendliness that we wish
to cultivate isn't love as we
ordinarily understand it. When you say you love so & so, what you conceive in your mind is generally an emotion conditioned by the behavior or qualities of that person.
Perhaps you admire the person's appearance, manner, ideas, voice or attitude. Should these conditions change, or your tastes, whims & fancies change, what you call love might
change as well.
In extreme cases, your love might
even turn to hate. This love-hate duality pervades all our ordinary feelings of affection. You love
one person & hate another.
Or you love now
& hate later.
Or you love whenever you feel like it & hate whenever you feel like it. Or you love
when everything is smooth & rosy & hate
when anything goes wrong.
If your love changes from time to time, place to place & situation to situation in this fashion, then what you call love isn't the skillful thought of loving-friendliness.
It may be
erotic lust, greed for material
security, desire to feel loved, or some other
form of greed in disguise. True loving-friendliness has no ulterior motive. It never changes into hate as circumstances change.
It never makes you angry if you don't
get favors in return. Loving-friendliness motivates you to behave kindly to all
beings at all times & to speak gently in their presence
& in their absence.
When fully matured, your net of loving-friendliness embraces everything in the universe without exception. It has no limitations, no boundaries. Your thought of loving-friendliness includes not only all beings as
they are at this moment but also your wish that all of them, without any discrimination or favoritism, will be happy in the limitless future.
Our Greatest Friend …
Who ordains, maintains
in this domain?
The Planner
who set the stars a-light
placing their planets in perfect flight
The Creator
of flowers; delicate, bright
lifting our spirits to thankful heights
The Force
which gathers up the winds
clearing the clouds; blue skies again
The Nurturer
who made water flow
causing seeds and sprouts to grow
The Loving Heart
where souls are born
to come to know we are adorned
with grace
'n harmony to share
the bliss and joy of love 'n care
Loving Your Enemies
Some people wonder how they can extend the feeling of loving-friendliness toward their enemies. They wonder
how they can say sincerely,
"May my enemies be well, happy & peaceful. May no difficulties or problems come to them."
This question arises from mistaken thinking.
A person whose mind is filled with problems may behave in a way that offends or harms us. We call that person an enemy. But in actuality, there's no such person as an enemy.
It's the person's negative state of mind that is causing us problems. Mindfulness shows us that
states of mind aren't permanent. They're temporary, correctable & adjustable.
In practical terms, the best thing I can do to assure my own peace & happiness is
to help my enemies overcome their problems. If all my enemies were free of pain, dissatisfaction, affliction, neurosis, paranoia, tension & anxiety, they'd no
longer have reason to be my enemies. Once free of negativity, an enemy is just like anybody else, a wonderful human being.
We can practice loving-friendliness on anyone,
parents, teachers, relatives, friends,unfriendly people, indifferent people, people
who cause us problems. We don't have to know or be close to people to practice loving-friendliness toward them.
In fact, sometimes it's easier not to know people. Why?
Because if we don't know them, we can treat all people alike. We can look at the
many, many beings in the universe as if they were specks of light in space & wish them all to be happy & at peace.
Though merely wishing may not make this so, cultivating
the hope that others might enjoy loving-friendliness is a skillful thought that fills our own minds with contentment & joy.
If everyone holds the thought
that everyone else enjoys loving-friendliness, we'll have peace on earth.
Say there are 6 billion people in the world & each one cultivates this wish. Who will be left to cultivate hatred?
There will be no more struggle, no more fighting. Every
action comes from thinking. If the thought is impure, the actions that follow from that thought will be impure & harmful. The opposite is also true.
As the Buddha told us, the pure
thought of loving-friendliness is more powerful than hatred, more powerful than weapons. Weapons destroy. Loving-friendliness helps beings live in peace & harmony. Which do you think is more lasting & more powerful?
Dealing with Anger
The main
obstacle to loving-friendliness is anger. When anger & hatred consume
us, there's no room in our minds for friendly feelings toward ourselves or toward others, no space
for relaxation or peace.
We each react to anger
in our own way. Some people try to
justify their angry feelings.
They tell themselves again & again,
"I have every right to be angry."
Others hold on to their anger for a long time, even months or years. They feel that their anger makes them very special, very righteous. Still others lash out physically against those who anger
them. Whatever your style, you can be sure of one thing: Your anger ultimately hurts you more than it hurts the person you're angry with.
Have you noticed how you feel when you are angry?
- Do you experience tension?
- Pain in your chest?
- Burning in your stomach?
- Blurred eyesight?
Does your reasoning become unclear, or your speech turn harsh & unpleasant?
Doctors tell us that these common manifestations of anger have serious
consequences for our health:
The emotional toll of
anger is equally grim. To put it bluntly, anger makes us feel miserable.
Anger also disrupts our relationships.
Don't you generally try to avoid people who are angry? In the same way, when you're angry, people
avoid you. No one wants to associate with someone in the grip of anger. An
angry
person can be irrational, even dangerous.
Moreover,anger often does no damage to the person toward whom it'is directed. In most cases,
your anger with
someone who insulted you harms that person not at all. Rather, it's you who're red in the face, you who are shouting & making a scene, you
who look ridiculous & feel miserable.
Your adversary may even find your anger
entertaining. An attitude of habitual ill will & resentment can adversely
affect your health, your relationships, your livelihood, your future. You yourself may even experience the terrible things
you wished upon your adversary.
Since it's clear that anger can hurt us, what can
we do about it? How can we let go of anger & replace it with loving-friendliness?
In working with anger, we must first determine to restrain ourselves from acting on angry impulses. Whenever I
think about restraint, I remember my uncle's elephant.
When I was a little boy, my uncle had a big, beautiful elephant. My friends & I used to like
to tease this animal. We would throw stones at her until she became angry with us. The
elephant was so big, she could have crushed us if she had wanted to. What she did instead was remarkable.
One time when we threw stones at her, the elephant used her trunk to grab a stick about the size
of a pencil & to spank us with this little stick. She showed great self-restraint, doing only
what was needed to make us respect her.
For a few days after that, the elephant held a grudge against us &
wouldn't let us ride her. My uncle told us to take her to the big creek, where we scrubbed her skin with coconut shells while
she relaxed & enjoyed the cool water.
After that, she completely let go of her anger toward
us. Now I tell my students, when you feel justified in reacting violently out of anger, remember the moderate response of my uncle's big, gentle elephant.
Another way of dealing with anger is to reflect on its results. We know very well that when we're angry, we don't see the truth clearly. As a result, we may commit many unwholesome actions.
As we have learned, our past intentional actions are the only thing we really own. Our future life is determined by our intentional actions today, just as our present life is heir to our previous intentional behavior. Intentional actions committed under the influence of anger can't
lead to a happy future.
The best
antidote to feelings of anger is patience. Patience doesn't mean
letting others walk all over you. Patience means
buying time with mindfulness so that you
can act rightly.
When we react to provocation with patience, we speak the
truth at the right time & in the right tone. We use soft, kind & appropriate
words as if we were speaking to a child or a dear friend to prevent him from doing something harmful to himself or others.
Though you may raise your voice, this doesn't mean that you're angry.
Rather, you're being skillful in protecting someone you care about.
A famous story illustrates the Buddha's patience & resourcefulness when confronted by an angry person:
Once there was a Brahmin, a person of high rank & authority. This Brahmin had a habit of getting
angry, even
for no reason. He quarreled with everyone. If someone else was wronged & didn't get angry, the
Brahmin would get angry at that
person for not being angry.
The Brahmin had heard that the Buddha never got angry. One
day he went to the Buddha & abused him with insults. The Buddha listened compassionately & patiently. Then
he asked the Brahmin, "Do you have any family or friends or relatives?"
"Yes,
I have many relatives & friends," the Brahmin replied.
"Do
you visit them periodically?" the Buddha asked.
"Of course.
I visit them often."
"Do
you carry gifts for them when you visit them?"
"Surely.
I never go to see them without a gift," said the Brahmin.
The Buddha asked, "When you give gifts to them, suppose they don't accept them. What
would you do with these gifts?"
"I would
take them home & enjoy them with my family," answered the Brahmin.
Then the Buddha said, "Similarly, friend, you gave me a gift. I don't accept it.
It's all yours. Take it home & enjoy it with your family."
The man was deeply embarrassed.
He understood & admired the Buddha's compassionate advice.
Finally, to overcome anger you can consider the benefits of loving-friendliness. According to the Buddha, when you
practice loving-friendliness, you "sleep in comfort, wake up in comfort & dream sweet dreams. You're dear to human beings & to nonhuman beings. Deities guard you. Aren't
these prospects more pleasant than the misery, poor health
& ill will we get as a result of anger?
As your awareness of your mental states increases, you'll recognize more & more quickly when you're becoming angry. Then,
as soon as angry thoughts arise, you can begin to apply the antidotes of patience & mindfulness.
You should also take every opportunity to make restitution for your angry actions.
If you said or did something to someone in anger, as
soon as that moment has passed, you should consider going to this person to apologize, even if you think the other person was wrong or acted worse than you did.
Spending a few minutes apologizing to someone you offended produces marvelous & immediate relief for both of you.
In the same spirit, if you see that someone is angry with
you, you can approach this person & talk in a relaxed way to try to find the cause of the
anger.
You might say: "I'm sorry you're angry with
me. I'm not angry with
you at all. Perhaps we can work this out as friends." You might also give a gift to the person you think is angry with
you. A gift tames the untamed & makes friends of foes. A gift can convert angry speech
into kind words &
harshness into gentleness.
Here are some practical steps you can take to overcome anger:
- Become aware of your anger as soon
as possible.
- Be mindful of your anger &
feel its strength.
- Remember
that a quick temper is extremely dangerous.
- Bring
to mind anger's miserable consequences.
- Practice
restraint.
- Realize
that anger & its causes are impermanent.
- Recall
the example of the Buddha's patience with the Brahmin.
- Change your attitude by becoming helpful & kind.
- Change the atmosphere between you & a person with whom you're angry by offering a gift or other favor.
- Remember
the advantages of practicing loving-friendliness.
- Remember
we all will die one day & we don't want to die with anger.
Friendship (July 1995)
Friendship,
ideally, should be dynamic and progressive. At the very heart of a friendship maturing and growing is the willingness of all
parties to be themselves and to allow this in others. Attempts to cling to a friendship and impose limitations on it, will
always lead to its downfall.
Friendship, it's a word we use all the time, yet do we ever really consider the implication of what a friend
is or should be? Friend is a term which is applied, often quite loosely, to even the most fleeting acquaintance at times and
yet perhaps a fleeting acquaintance can be just as much a friend as someone we have known all our lives - perhaps even more
so. In society it is commonly accepted that our first friends are our family. It is even thought that no one can ever really
come close to the kinds of friendships that exist in families and yet a blood relative has no more special potential to be
a friend than anyone else in our lives. The important common denominator is of course, ourselves. It is how we
are that determines whether we are a friend and whether other people are our friends. And in the pursuit of our friendships,
being ourselves is all important.
Being ourselves is something that cannot be set down in writing or carefully
defined as a set of certain behaviors. The individual can only identify it themselves and that individual must of course be
open to perceiving how they really are at any one time in order to do this. For there are many ways of being that could masquerade
as being oneself, but only one true state of being that typifies this. Of course, when we are ourselves we must be open to
response. We cannot expect to close off to the world and remain being ourselves. Being oneself means that we are open to what
is happening around us and are ready to respond to our world, to be spontaneous and to be honest. We can experience a range
of emotions but let none of those emotions lead us in the direction of identity. We are able to recognize our own power of
choice in a situation and we are able to draw on our natural strengths in order to achieve an ideal, a direction, say becoming
happy.
It is important to remember that when we are being ourselves we are not in some robotic state of monotone. Being
ourselves does not mean that we do not feel emotion. Being ourselves is a heightened state of being, where our senses are
heightened and our intellect is heightened.
In being ourselves, we are more aware of what is happening around us and
within ourselves. We are more attuned to the natural harmony in our immediate environment. We are able to recognize rightness,
to feel it and to go the way of it. And because being ourselves is a vulnerable state, we are liable to experience feelings
of exhilaration, joy, even anger with intensity. We might for example, respond to a situation where we feel fear for a moment.
Being ourselves and being open, the fear is transformed into exhilaration and we are acutely sensitized to the surging of
hormones and to the specific physical responses that create the sensation of exhilaration.
As soon as we shut down,
as soon as we stop being ourselves, we are more likely to feel fear. There is a difference between fear and exhilaration -
between being oneself and not being oneself and it can be recognized by the willing observer. When we are being ourselves,
there is a feeling that we will go on being ourselves no matter what. There is no fear, only determination. And if we feel
something like exhilaration, we are aware that the allowing of it within ourselves is pushing us forward. There is a kind
of implied sense of moving forward when we are being ourselves. A sense of being propelled in a direction. At the same time,
there is a sense that this could bring challenges, we may even experience a sense of threat, but because we are open, this
sense of threat is not experienced as fear. It is instead experienced as a natural sense of thrill. It is experienced as a
kind of rush of energy, a heightened sense of being alive. We are at this moment willing to go on, even if it means experiencing
this sense of threat again.
When we are not being ourselves, the feeling is different entirely. Exhilaration cannot
be experienced and thus we turn it into fear. And the predominant sensation linked with fear is a feeling of being stuck.
It is a feeling, not of moving forward, but of being completely restricted. There is no sense of thrill, no sense of acute
awareness as our hormones are unleashed to wreak their own marvelous havoc within our body. Instead, not being ourselves is
characterized by a noticeable shut down of sensation. We can, if we wish, experience an intense feeling of holding and tightness
that can be there for many hours, without our being particularly aware of it.
But probably the most significant difference
between being ourselves and not being ourselves is that when are being ourselves, there is nothing we would not do or say.
When we are not being ourselves, our consciousness is aware of all the things we will not do. Being ourselves is represented
by a spirit of freedom - not being ourselves, by a heavy sense of restriction. Being ourselves is absolutely crucial within
a friendship both from the point of view of being a friend and also to distinguish friends from not friends.
All genuine
friendships accommodate risk. For a challenge is not a challenge without risk. And a friendship is not a friendship without
its challenges. If there is not risk in a relationship between individuals, then those individuals must be holding back from
being themselves. For if an individual is being themselves, the implication of moving forward, into the unknown, is always
there and always producing new challenges. A relationship where there is no sense of this movement, no challenge, no risk,
is not a genuine friendship. It is static. Static relationships have nowhere to go nothing to gain. The individuals in these
relationships have to effortfully restrict their own natural tendency toward progress in order to maintain a static relationship.
Limitations and boundaries over which no individual may cross, if the individual wishes to maintain 'the friendship' also
characterize these relationships.
Often these boundaries are consciously agreed upon, sometimes they are implied or
non-verbal. However, in this kind of relationship each individual knows exactly where they stand and the point at which they
cannot go beyond. When we try to cling to a friendship and to have it stay the same, this is the trap we fall into. We demand
these boundaries so that the threat of change cannot destroy what we have. But in doing so, we must shut down and therefore
any genuine friendship becomes something else.
Genuine friendships allow for change within the individuals. Not genuine
friendships or identity friendships, depend on the individuals staying the same - that is, on the constant perception that
nothing has changed and that the individuals have not changed. Change brings threat to the identity friendship. Genuine friends
allow one another to change and to grow and for the nature of the friendship to change without a sense of loss. In a genuine
friendship there is nothing to lose, the relationship can only grow and gain. Similarly, in a genuine friendship, forgiveness
is not an aspect of friendship because with true allowing, there is nothing to forgive. Forgiveness implies guilt and guilt
is not a judgment made by a true friend. Allowing transcends forgiveness in every respect.
It is necessary to
understand the subtleties and differences between allowing and the sense of silent agreement that is produced by not being
ourselves and by effortful holding back from being ourselves in the company of others. A desire for quality in the friendship
ensures that we must be prepared to be ourselves and that we must be prepared to demonstrate who we are in what we say and
in how we respond to others. There is a difference between allowing another person and not being prepared to make a stand
for quality in the relationship. If there is something we are not prepared to say to our 'friend' or something we are not
prepared to do for the sake of quality in the relationship, then we are not being ourselves and we are not prepared to be
a friend. This is where trust has relevance in a friendship.
If we have trust in the relationship, then we are prepared
to be ourselves, because we know that if we desire it, and if the friendship is of value, then the friendship will endure,
but not only this, it will become stronger. If the friendship will not endure one person being themselves, then it was never
a genuine friendship. If we are afraid to be ourselves because it might jeopardize the friendship, then what is that friendship
really worth?
It is worthwhile recognizing that a friendship relies on the parties forming an agreement based upon
a common direction, a common goal or passion. It is possible to be a friend, but to not have a friendship with someone.
For
example, if we are always ourselves, then we are a friend to all we come into contact with. But if the other party has no
desire for a friendship, does not share in this direction, or is not willing to be themselves, or indeed if they are looking
for an identity relationship, then the friendship cannot exist. There is no basis for sharing. The greatest form of sharing
in a friendship is the simple pleasure of being ourselves with someone else who is also being themselves. If the other party
is not willing for you to be yourself or if they insist on obligations, compulsion, observance of boundaries or wishes to
pursue a relationship of identities, then there cannot be a friendship and we must be prepared to leave that relationship
behind us - for the sake of progress and of moving on to something greater. If we cannot have quality, then there is no value
in the relationship.
True friendships will always endure, identity friendships will fall away if we are in pursuit
of a life of more. Of course it is important to realize that if all we want is to have an identity friendship with someone
then there is no requirement for the pursuit of quality. There is no requirement for change. We are not exposed to risks and
challenges.
However, if we have a vision for a life of more, then we will be naturally inclined toward having genuine
friendships and more fulfilling relationships with others. We will be less inclined to compromise ourselves for the sake of
hollow associations, we will be less inclined to want to cling to a relationship of no value. And we will motivated to pursue
quality, with a passionate sense of trust in those relationships that are based upon common direction. In being prepared to
lose that relationship, we make ourselves strong and we secure our ability to pursue quality without compromise. And if the
relationship should crumble, then we have not lost, we may go on to something greater.
All of this being said, building
and developing a genuine friendship is a process, just as dispensing with those relationships that are solely identity
based is. We must have ideals and we must have a vision for something great in desiring friendships. However, we must also
be prepared to build strength upon strength, without relying on perfection right away. For the challenges that we will face
in the pursuit of such a goal will be perfectly tailored to the level of our ability at any one time, while still providing
the requirement for increasing strength. And thus, there may be some things that we may wish to achieve that rely on other
intermediate changes first taking place. And we must be at peace with those intermediate stages and appreciate the gradual
change, while still feeling passionate for the ultimate ideal and being motivated solely towards it.
It is self-defeating
to have a goal to achieve something intermediate. Motivation comes from looking toward something, an ideal, an end result
(although perfection is a direction, rather than something attainable in this instance). We cannot feel desire for something
that is merely a requirement. If, for example, we desire to have an apple that grows at the top of a tree, we are motivated
by the desire for that apple. The fact that we have a requirement for climbing that tree is of little relevance. It is not
necessary to feel desire for the climbing. We climb it because it must be done and it will get us to where we want to go.
At no time does our desire deviate from that apple at the top of the tree. We are unlikely to settle for an apple on a lower
branch if it is not ripe. It is the juicy ripe apple at the top that drives us on as we climb. If we were to only desire to
climb to the next branch, we would feel considerably less inspired to climb and our intention would be less meaningful. So,
while we must be allowing of the process, we must always aim to achieve the ultimate and to have it now. Desire it for the
future and we compromise our motivation to achieve it.
And the same can be said for a great friendship. We must be
prepared to desire the ultimate now and to deal with the challenges that face us along the way. But at no time should we settle
for an unripe apple if we desire something more.
Wayfarer
International, Copyright Š John & Melody Anderson, 1995 - 1999. All rights reserved.
Friendship 2 (February 1996)
We
look at friendship again and identify the necessity for challenge, if the friendship is to prove itself.
The notion of friendship is an interesting
one, for while simple at first glance, things tend to complicate friendships in ways that result in the contradiction of the
friendship itself. The true test of a friendship is the capacity the individuals have for compassion. Many friendships
exist in good times and diminish in bad. Rather in the way of openness, the measure of a friendship is how it withstands threat.
Openness for example, cannot exist in an environment where there is no temptation to be closed. Openness in a non-hostile
environment can never be truly described as openness.
Similarly then, friendship in a non-hostile environment has no
genuine value. Only when the friendship is tested can its quality be assessed. Many friendships do not aspire to becoming
relationships of quality because they are dependent on the existence of agreed limitations and conditions. Should these limitations
and conditions be contravened then friendship is withdrawn. When they are maintained, friendliness returns. While this may
be acceptable to a good many people, it would not be the hallmark of a person who aspires to having more in life…
Wayfarer International, Copyright Š John & Melody Anderson, 1996 - 1998. All rights reserved.
Friendship
3 (March 1996)
Here
we examine the spirit of friendship and recognize the importance of how we are within our friendships.
Friendship, like many things in life, demands
persistent vigilance for it to continue on a genuine basis. For like these other areas, individuals are changing and flexing,
circumstances change and flex and therefore, the situation demands changing and flexing responses. In other words, for the
friendship to prosper it must not fall victim to rigidity, it must be allowed to breathe.
And so the
friendship can only be defined by how the individuals are, not by what they do. Attention only to what is done
according to an agreed standard is not enough to sustain the friendship, for an individual can adhere completely to what must
be done, yet their state of being could communicate non-friendship all the while.
It is very important then that you
become used to assessing your friendships not on what you do, but how you are. This must become the most important thing in
your relationships. For deeds are worth little if not done in the spirit of friendship. This spirit is the ultimate
defining factor that denotes a genuine friendship. It is a non-tangible thing and can often be misinterpreted, however,
when it exists in a relationship, the quality of that relationship is such that all others pale by comparison.
Wayfarer International, Copyright Š John & Melody Anderson, 1996 - 1999. All rights
reserved.
Friendship 4 (July 1996)
Another dissertation on friendship, this time
with the emphasis on the very natural manner in which friendships occur and a reminder that genuine friendships are founded
on honesty and upon feeling, rather than intellectual similarities.
Friendship is a much-misunderstood institution in today's society and indeed
genuine friendship is much more difficult to define than one might think. It seems that friendship is rather a complicated
matter, however, the simple way to define a friendship is through feeling. Feelings, if honestly acknowledged, do not
lie. If we are prepared to genuinely identify and listen to feelings, living life becomes a more straightforward business.
When we choose to misrepresent feelings, misinterpret them, or try to simulate them with intellect, life then assumes much
more complexity and certainly less fulfillment.
Mostly, friendship is something that tends to be defined through thinking.
Generally, many people choose friends based upon similarities in identity, common likes and dislikes, impression, image,
false perception etc. Indeed choosing friends is in itself a contradiction. For friendship is something that describes a response,
the notion of choosing friends contradicts the very nature of friendship itself. Therefore then, friendship emerges, friendship
offers itself up to the individual by way of that individual responding to another individual in a certain way. Friendship
in a sense chooses itself.
When an individual feels friendship then the friendship is genuine. And obviously, friendships
can be demanding, because of the nature of what it is to be human. For a friendship to be enduring, it must be allowing.
All
of these factors provide cause for consideration, but it is interesting to observe that if we do not feel friendship for even
one person, we must call into question what we are doing to prevent responses of friendship from taking place. Feelings of
friendship are natural, they can of course, occur as a result of even a fleeting encounter, or they can be more permanent
in their nature. Whatever the circumstances, openness is a key component of genuine friendship. Without it, friendships cannot
exist.
Wayfarer International, Copyright Š John & Melody Anderson, 1996 - 2002.
All rights reserved.
Friendships
All of us need true friends. But what's a true friend &
how do you know when you've found one? We can best answer that question in terms of our feelings.
With a
true friend you feel:
Accepted
Acknowledged
Admired
Appreciated
Approved of - Encouraged
Free
Heard
Important
Liked
Listened to
Loved
Recognized
Respected
Safe
Significant
Supported
Trusted
Understood
Valued
(Not coincidently, these are
the same feelings children need from their parents.)
With high EQ you attract &
keep such people because:
You accept them rather than judge them. You express your feelings & encourage them to do likewise. You take responsibility for your feelings & never lay guilt trips on them.
You show empathy, compassion & understanding for their feelings. You're sensitive to their feelings & needs, but you don't let yourself feel responsible for meeting them. You recognize that each person is responsible for their own feelings, thus they never feel like a burden.
You don't blame them or attack them, so they don't need to feel defensive or to counterattack. You don't advise them or tell them what to do, since you know that this will foster dependency & later, resentment.
You're honest with them, even when what you have to say is unpleasant for them, because:
(a) You respect them enough to honor them with the truth
(b) You want them to grow thru awareness
(c) You trust them enough to manage their own responses
A
true friend is someone who helps you reach your highest potential, someone who helps you be the best you can be. At the early stages of your friendship a true friend gets to know the real you by frequently asking
how you feel about different things.
They ask questions like:
What's important to you?
What are your values?
What are your beliefs?
What are your fears?
What are your dreams & desires?
What do you feel strongly about?
What infuriates you?
What excites you?
As the friendship develops,
your friend is able to help you find
the answers to your important questions in your life. She does this not by advising you, but by asking you the right questions.
Perhaps the most important question a friend can ask us is, "How would you feel if you did this vs. that?"
Our friends serve us best when they help us focus on our feelings. They don't tell us what they'd do if they were us, since they know
that if they were us, they would do exactly what we would do (since they would have our same fears,
desires, values, beliefs, needs, etc).
When we're feeling down, a true friend
helps us identify our feelings & generate options for feeling better.
A true friend is also honest enough to tell you when you seem to them to be:
Acting out of character
Acting out of integrity
Acting under your potential
Acting impulsively
Neglecting your feelings
A friend
gives you feedback in an objective, but caring way. She shows concern for you when, for example, you're hurting yourself by being hard on yourself.
She express her fears, rather than telling you what she thinks
you should do.
A friend who is willing to give honest feedback is invaluable,
since she'll often see things that you don't. We can encourage such honesty by our willingness to listen w/an open mind &
w/out feeling the need to defend ourselves.
The more secure we are, the easier this is.
Finally, a true friend gives us emotional support, but
doesn't try to fix things for us or do things for us.
Be Your Own Best Friend
By Lance Beggs
How do you be your own best friend? It’s simple.
Be someone you love to spend your time with.
Be someone you’d love to just hang out with on a Saturday night.
Be the first person to congratulate yourself
whenever you succeed.
And be the first person to tell yourself that “it’s all ok” when
things go wrong.
Celebrate your happy moments with a smile.
And give yourself an even bigger smile whenever you’re
feeling down.
Spoil yourself with gifts.
Shower yourself
with love.
Enjoy the time that you spend by yourself. And relax. Take yourself out to your favourite restaurant, or prepare your favourite meal & dine at home. Drink your favourite
drinks. Play your favourite music. Watch your favourite movie. Soak in the tub, to the gentle flicker of candlelight. Or just
sit back on your couch with a nice cold beer after a hard day at work. Don’t forget to smile.
Love everything about the way you look. If you can’t love everything then find just one thing & focus on it. Love that part of you & remind yourself all day every day. In time, the boundaries of this love will expand to include your whole body.
Tell yourself how great you are. How smart
you are. How beautiful you are.
Encourage yourself to improve your life, in all areas. Be your biggest supporter. Be your own cheer squad.
love yourself.
Forgive yourself for all your past wrong-doings & forgive yourself for all your future mistakes.
Forgive yourself for not being perfect.
Forgive all others for the hurt they’ve given to you. And forgive yourself for receiving that hurt.
Believe in yourself.
Believe in the goodness in your heart.
Be grateful for all that's good about you.
Be grateful for the challenges you faced in the past, because they've led you to become the person you are today. And be grateful for the challenges you'll face in the future, for they'll help you grow.
In fact, just be grateful.
And love yourself.
That’s how you become your own best friend. Simple, isn’t
it.
by Lance Beggs.
Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.
Lance Beggs is the author of "How to be Happy Now". His mission
is to help others live a life of meaning, love and happiness! Subscribe to his FREE ezine at http://www.HowToBeHappyNow.com
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A friend I am
when coming to another's place
of unrest
to dissipate unsettledness
with warmth of caringness
A friend I am
when
listening openly, non-judgmentally
when judgment would be easy
A
friend I am
when taking extra time
to lend a helping hand, though busy
A friend I am
when feeling your need
I act
for you
as I would act for myself
Friendship ...
As in the word, a friend is
like a ship that carries us, abides with us unfailingly, thru the
calm & rough seas of life.
There is no purer relationship than friendship. It's unconditional loyalty
& love. Friendship is a bond of steadfastness & acceptance that allows us to be who we are, fully, without fear that love will be withdrawn.
Over a lifetime, it's the bond of friendship that
allows us to explore our depths with non-judgmental feedback
& supportiveness.
Individuals of flesh, mind, emotion, consciousness aware that as with vines
we,
too, lead lives intertwined. Intertwined in actions of compassion, caring, support sharing our time, for all time as
friends …
Sometimes, the friendship we give isn't returned,
but we benefit in another way: The process of extending friendship expands
our consciousness. While giving & in the afterglow, we feel a sense of connection.
Once we experience the connection we feel while giving caringly, we know that it's not just what we receive in life that makes us happy. It's mainly the connection that we feel when our own boundaries of self-centeredness break down thru our lovingness, that we feel our internal sense of peace & happiness.
Above all else in this world is friendship - Unconditionally given Unconditionally received. And with the addition of love life is made beautiful
Above all else
in this world is loving friendship
Unconditionally given Unconditionally received. That's true friendship.
Loving Moment to Moment …
Life on earth is a progression of moments, a progression of remembering who we are & for remembering that
our mission is to love fully in each moment. Acting for the best interest of our friends is a way to love fully in many moments of our lives.
Lasting
happiness, moment to moment, becomes our experience as we feel & express ourselves lovingly.
There is an incredible depth of experience in being fully aware in a single moment.
Example:
Traveling along by train, when we glance straight out the window we see blurred images, the train is moving
too quickly for us to focus on one object.
But as the train slows down & stops we can see a scene in depth; a field, farmhouse, trees off on the distant
horizon. The stillness of the stopped train allows us to focus in the depth that wasn't possible
while the train was rapidly moving along.
In our life we can enjoy depth of view by focusing well on each of our activities. When we focus on each of
our activities during the day, we get a lot done, feeling satisfied. Personal organization, daily planning, allows us the freedom of mind to be focused in the moment.
Planning
allows us to accomplish the most in the least amount of time. We also are freeing up time & energy spent in thinking about what we need to do next.
As the day progresses & we perform our tasks & interactions with caring & lovingness, we're fulfilling our mission; we're becoming the depth of love possible in each moment. In the moment, at this moment, caring with our friends is a way to fully express life's excellence.
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Friendship
Friends are people we feel close to. They’re people who have the same interests,
people who care about us & people we can trust. Being a friend means not judging others & being there to offer support & understanding when those near to you really need it.
True friendship is important. Friends support one another,
listen to each other & give advice. Friends can also be positive influencers in our lives. When you share things
about yourself, learn from each other & explore what you have in common it brings you closer to other people & allows you to appreciate the different qualities we have that make
us individuals.
Who are
your friends? Do they really care about what’s best for you? If your
friends want you to change & get into or keep using drugs & alcohol, maybe you need to change your friends.
How to begin & keep friendships
To start
a friendship you need to:
- Make contact with them
- Continue to communicate
with them
- As time goes by start
to share more about yourself
Friendships can develop with people:
- You see often in many different
places (at school,
on sports teams, at club meetings, at lessons, "hang-outs")
- You talk to on the phone (relatives, friends who have moved
away)
- You e-mail or write to (pen pals)
Wherever
there are people around - you might find a new friend!
What you need to do to make & keep a friend:
Remember - our differences make us each unique. Friendship is about exploring what we have
in common & what makes us unique. As we build friendships we can learn from each other &
appreciate the individual qualities
that make each of us who we are.
When Friends Change
Best friends
are the greatest! We watch television together, we laugh together & we do homework together. We share our secrets, our
clothes & our lunch. With so much in common, we'll be best friends forever.
Maybe.
Sometimes
friends change. They start hanging out with other people. So now what? Do we cry a lot? Write them nasty
letters? Change is part of being alive. We all change & even best friends can drift apart.
3 teens tell how they
survived the loss of a best friend.
Sandra, 16
I felt down
& really confused when my best friend of 4 years changed. We broke up over a silly fight. I tried to talk to
her, but she said to forget it. I still see her around & we talk once in awhile, but
we don't really have anything in common. She' s really changed with alcohol & smoking. I'm frustrated because her new friends don' t really
care about her.
I'm
more of an independent person. If the only way I' m going to impress her is to change, then it's not worth it. You have to weigh the pros & cons about
best friends. Are they worth keeping? Are they getting you in trouble
at school or with your parents? If they are, you' re probably better off without them.
Robert, 14
I
moved away from by best friend about 4 months ago, but he was changing even before I left. Maybe he was a bit jealous because he thought I liked his brother better than him. I write to my best friend but he doesn't write back & I'm kind
of upset. We've been best friends for 6 1/2 years, so he's hard to
forget.
I really
want this friendship to work, but there's no sense trying & trying
if they don't want to help out. I've been making new friends at my new school. I just go up to people &
start talking to them. If you don't have somebody to talk with, you get frustrated & keep things inside of you. I listen to other people too & we try to solve each other's
problems.
Kelly, 13
We were best
friends for 9 years, ever since kindergarten. She was always there when I needed her. Then last year we had a fight. I even forget what it was about. We kind
of made up, but it didn't work. I felt pretty bad after we broke up. I thought if this is what best friends are, then why bother having them? I became rather snotty & lost other friends.
But I got over that & I realized that not all best friends treat you that way. Now
I don' t know why I ever became friends with her. She takes drugs & has weird
friends. When we broke off I didn't know she was taking drugs. But I didn't want to get into drugs just to be her friend.
I have a new best friend now. She' s nice &
she cares about what happens to
me. I hang around in a group & if someone in that group lost a best friend, we'd kind of be like buddies until they were over it.
ALWAYS THERE
If I could catch a rainbow, I would
do it just for you
And share with you it's
beauty on the days you're feeling blue.
If I could build a mountain
you could call your very own
A place to find serenity. A place to be alone....
If I could take your
troubles, I would toss them out to sea
But all these things I'm finding are impossible for me.
I cannot build a mountain
or catch a rainbow fair
But let me be what I know best
A friends that's always there...
Friendship Is Important to Teens
Peer relationships are very important to teens.
1) Friendships provide teens with opportunities to develop conflict resolution skills. Teens can learn how to end a fight & still remain friends.
2) Friends provide fun & excitement for teens thru companionship & recreation.
3) Friends also give advice to one another. Teens talk thru lots of issues & problems with
their friends.
4) Loyalty is a valued trait in friendship. Teens are looking for loyal allies that can help them out at school or in their own neighborhood.
5) Friendships also provide stability during times of stress or transition. It's helpful to teens to have a friend who is going thru the same situations & can ease the anxieties of the times.
What happens when youth don't have friends? Teens without friends tend to be more lonely & unhappy. They tend to have lower levels of academic achievement & lower self esteem. As they get older, they are more apt to drop out of school & to get involved in delinquent activities.
Friendships change as youth move into their teen years.
Teens tend to spend more time
with their peers.
They're also more mobile than
when younger so more time is spent with peers without parental supervision.
During the teen years, there
will be increased contact with opposite-sex peers.
In the early
teen years, often small groups of friends or cliques are formed which help to boost their confidence & give them a sense of identity.
Another feature of the teen years is the emergence of crowds. These are large
groups of teens who gather together because they have characteristics that identify them with a particular crowd.
Teens use crowds to figure out who to associate
with. Crowds help teens sort peers into groups of people they'd like to spend time with & those they wouldn't. Thru crowds
& cliques, teens show other people who they are.
As parents, it' important to encourage friendships among teens. However, it's vital to know who your teen's friends are & to communicate openly about changes in peer relationships & friendships with your teens.
Source: Gateway: Parenting Into the Teen Years, Issue 6, University of Illinois Extension.
Mixed-Gender
Friendships are Important!
Many adults are often surprised to learn that many boys find
some of their closest friendships with girls, from an early age. A nonromantic friendship with a girl can free a boy from the gender strait-jacket in several important ways:
A boy doesn’t feel competitive with a girl in the same way he does with other boys.
“With the other guys, I have to worry about staying cool,” said Darren, 15. “Rosa
doesn’t care if I make varsity soccer or if I’m acting tough. We just hang out & listen to music & she helps me with my
Spanish homework.”
Girls make it safe for a boy to express his feelings.
“Minh is
the one I can always call when things are rough with my dad,” said Peter, 13. “The guys don’t really know
what to say, but somehow just talking to her makes me feel better.”
Girls can be powerful allies at school in social situations.
“When I was in middle school, I wasn’t really popular,” said Freddie, 16. “But this
one girl in my math class, Olivia, always sat next to me & we'd pass notes. It made it easier, like at parties, to know
she would talk to me. I didn’t feel so weird.”
Having a nonromantic friendship with a
girl teaches a boy to understand girls without the pressure of sex.
“Alyssa
is the first girl I’ve ever really been friends with,” said 14 year-old Simon. “Sometimes I don’t
get why she freaks out when I don’t talk to her for a couple of days, or something. But I guess that matters more to
girls.”
Girls need boys as friends, too. With boys who are fiends girls can practice asserting themselves, i.e. And girls, too, learn
what boys are like in relationships from such friendships.
Don't Tease Him about It!
Many
parents think it’s cute when their boy has a girl as a friend. You may feel the impulse to tease him in a friendly way about his “girlfriend,” but don’t do it.
Boys may be very sensitive about it & teasing could break up what otherwise is an important friendship.
Be matter-of-fact & welcoming about his friendships with girls, just as you would
with boys. And stop other members of the family if they make fun of him.
a friend in deed
Author: Adam Khan
IT OFTEN HELPS A FRIEND TO listen to him talk when he's having troubles. But being the listener isn't easy & as you know, not everything you say or do to help a person really helps. Brant Burleson, a researcher at
Purdue University, set up some experiments to find out just what does work & what doesn't. What he discovered may surprise
you, because the most helpful things are the easiest things.
You don't have to offer advice. In fact, you probably shouldn't, according to Burleson's studies. When someone is unloading his troubles, most of the things we most naturally want to do to help him will not help him.
For example, it
doesn't help much to tell your friend about similar troubles you've had, or to try to help him look on the bright side, or
to try to change the subject. What actually helps the listener is surprisingly simple & easy:
Encourage your friend to describe his trouble in great detail. And make sure you include, as part of that detail, descriptions of your friend's feelings.
That's it. Most
people can pretty much figure out what they ought to do once they think about it a little bit & that's exactly what you're allowing them to do: Think. By not giving your friend advice or trying to help her see the silver lining, by not cluttering her mind with your own similar
experiences & by getting her to describe her feelings & the problem in detail, you're allowing her to clarify the situation for herself.
It's easier to think by speaking aloud than it is to try to think to yourself, especially when you're upset, but that's true only if the listener is allowing you to speak freely.
Get your friend to describe his problem
& his feelings in detail. Although it may seem you're hardly doing anything, you're allowing him to do what he needs most when times are tough: To confide in a friend.
Encourage your friend to describe his trouble in great detail.
Author: Adam Khan
True friendship can be the highest form of human
relationship.
True friendship can be found among lovers & platonic
relationships alike. All true friendships must be based on a shared vision that is higher in purpose than the individuals
themselves. The vision should include mutual support for search for the essential Self.
The vision must be put into action in everyday life. The vision must be more important
to the individuals than the friendship itself. It is, in fact, this that makes the friendship strong.
In all communication between the friends the vision
holds first. All communications strive toward respect, desire to give, desire to learn, humility & patience. Time
spent together can be very simple. There may be times of silence, mutual appreciation of nature or the arts, even though
the individuals may have very busy lives.
Personal talents, intellect, achievements, material
wealth & social skills are considered of secondary importance to the vision. The friendship is measured by kindness,
respect, thoughtfulness & humility.
Competition, jealousy & possessiveness are fear
based & counter to love. Should such feelings arise, the friend faces the fear responsibly, remembering the vision.
True friends treat others with respect. They
don't gossip. They see gossip as undesirable & destructive. Their energies are focused toward helping others.
During times of disagreement
true friends don't argue, defend, or attack. They immediately call upon the help of the highest within themselves, listen & act accordingly. They practice win-win communication & mutual cooperation. Positive problem solving is considered essential. They approach all things with a sense of humor & fun.
They're loyal
to each other & don't betray each other's trust. They don't gossip about each other, or justify "playing
games." There is a childlike innocence between the two. They share a sense of awe about all things & they are
feeling excited for each other when good things come their way.
They don't attempt
to control one another. They practice respect for the other's right to choose on his own even failure. They support each other's
personal growth & spiritual development.
It's important that children learn the value of friendship. Teach your children that real friends help each other thru good & bad times & they'll learn to be
a loyal friend.
Save them by helping
them identify the qualities of a true friend. Katti, Wendy & Orondé talk about their friendships.
WENDY: Your real friend
will be comfortable with who you are, accept you for who you are...no matter what mistake you do, they'll still love you...they could say...I
love you...we give each other hugs...we've made some mistakes, made some bad ones, but we're still there.
ORONDÉ: A friend to me?
Just clicking with everything...you...can just think what the other one is thinking...we can understand because we know each
other. I can tell when there's something wrong...just by looking at his facial expression; likewise he can do to me.
KATTI: To me,
it's so important to have good friends, but it's not the amount of friends I have...popularity, it's not that important. What's important is that you can really talk to someone & they can really be there for you.
ORONDÉ: I want my friend’s
honest opinions, their objections, anything they think they can say to help me, if it's for my betterment.
KATTI: Well,
one of my best friends right now...he's a guy. And what makes him so close to me is...we have the same values...we feel the same way about so many things...I can talk to him...he can talk to me...the way he thinks & the way he
is just makes me want to be his friend so much.
WENDY: It's really...important to have that one person to talk to because they...know you very well...You could just make one gesture & they'll know
what the heck you're talking about...
You have to be comfortable
with them in silence as well as out loud. Cause sometimes in certain situations, I get so depressed, I can't talk. So it's
good to have a friend to just sit there & just hold your hand.
Jeanne Blake:
Adolescents is a time when one day someone is your best friend, the next day they decide to be friends with someone else &
won’t even talk to you. It can be a confusing & hurtful time. How can we help young people understand what a real
friend is?
Dr Rauch: It’s never
too early to start teaching your child what a real friend is. Give your child a message that a friend is someone they should
be able to talk with, with little conflict.
They make you feel loveable & less alone. They listen. They help you feel good about yourself. In grade school having good friends is important because they teach you, by wanting time with you, that you're worthwhile & people want time with you.
Jeanne Blake:
And real friends aren’t threatened by other peers.
Dr. Rauch: In a quality
relationship, friends in that relationship isn't threatened by others. We often see young people trying to keep a peer to
themselves. They get jealous if their friends wants to be with another person.
We need to help our children
understand that isn’t real friendship. A good, quality friends doesn’t have to keep you to themselves.
Jeanne Blake:
Friendship is important to a child’s healthy development. If your child doesn’t appear to have a close friend, a friendship that is sustained,
what should you do?
Dr.Rauch: If your child
is 11 & still haven’t had a good friend – it's of concern. Parents need to ask a teacher for information.
Is there a reason your child doesn’t develop friendships?
If not, perhaps ask the
teacher, "Who'd be a good fit with my child?" & try to schedule events. You could take that child to a ball game or another
setting where the kids can have fun together & possibly develop a friendship.
Jeanne Blake:
In friendships during adolescence, we need to take advantage of opportunities to reinforce what consistutes a quality friendship.
Give me an example.
Dr. Rauch: When kids come
home & report that a peer has been mean to them, let them know that the other child isn’t being a good friend. If
they lie, make fun of you or exclude you, that isn’t being a good friend. By the same token, when your own child behaves in a hurtful way, you need to let
him or her know that isn’t a being a good friend.
When a child has a
good friend & you see them paying well, you can say "I was impressed by how well you & your friend shared,
played, I was proud that for some of the time you did what he/she wanted."
That comment reminds a child
of what good friends do. Has your family talked about friendship? Share your story. Other families can learn from your experience.
MyOwnWords@AboutHealth.com
When Children Have Trouble Making Friends
Many children
have trouble making friends or getting along with others at some point during their school years. Sometimes these problems
go away by themselves over time.
However, being
ignored or teased by classmates can be painful for children. When problems with friends are long-lasting, children may need
help from parents & teachers to find ways to improve their situation.
Often, it's difficult
for parents to know who they can talk to or what they can do if they're worried about their child's friendships. Some of the
most common questions asked by parents are listed below.
Q: How can I find out if my child is getting
along with others?
A: Sometimes children
will talk to their parents if they're feeling lonely or if they aren't getting along with others at school. But often parents
have to seek out information to find out how friendships are going for children.
First, classroom
teachers are often the best place to start for information. Teachers see children interacting with others in the classroom,
at lunch & at recess. Teachers also have a good sense of what's "normal" for children at different ages in terms of friendships
& social behavior.
Teachers can often provide
information about how your child behaves toward others & also about how other children treat your child at school.
Teachers often can provide an informed opinion about how typical or unusual your child's behavior & friendship problems
are compared to other children of the same age.
Teachers may not provide
this information spontaneously, but will often share their opinions about a child's behavior & friendships if parents
ask them directly. Other adults who see your child in a group setting (such as a scout leader,
swimming instructor, day care provider) may also be able to answer questions about the social behaviors they have seen.
Second, parents
can look for a chance to watch how their child behaves when he/she is with other children. Some schools will let parents visit
for a day, to see how their child is behaving & being treated at school.
Parents can also pay attention
to the behaviors they see when their child is with a playmate or at a group activity. Are there behaviors that might annoy
other children? Are there behaviors that would be pleasing to other children? How do other children respond to your child?
Third, parents
can encourage their child to talk about how things are going with other children. For example, parents can ask their child about who he/she
likes to play with & what they like to do together.
Parents can ask
whether the child feels comfortable with the friends he/she has at school or whether he/she feels lonely sometimes. Showing interest & asking questions about
how things are going with other children at school can help parents learn about possible problem areas.
Q: How can I tell
what is causing my child's friendship problems?
A: Children can
have problems making friends & getting along with others for several reasons. Some of the more common reasons are listed
below. Different types of friendship problems are also described.
One of the most common
reasons for friendship problems is behavior that annoys other children. Children, like adults, don't like behavior
that's bossy, self-centered, or disruptive. It's simply not fun to play with someone who doesn't share or doesn't follow the
rules.
Sometimes children
who have learning problems or attention problems can have trouble making friends, because they find it hard to understand
& follow the rules of games. Children who get angry easily & lose their temper when things don't go their way can
also have a hard time getting along with others.
Children can also have
friendship problems because they're very shy & feel uncomfortable & unsure of themselves around others. Sometimes
children are ignored or teased by classmates because there is something "different" about them that sets them apart from the
other children.
There is an important difference between not being "popular" & having friendship problems. Some children are outgoing & have many
friends. Other children are quite content with just a good friend or two. Either one of these friendship patterns is fine.
Friendship problems are something to be concerned about when:
1) the teacher
reports that your child is getting into trouble with other children or treating them poorly
2) your child seems
to be actively disliked by other children
3) when other children
are teasing your child & making him/her feel lonely & upset.
Parents should
also think about how long the problem has lasted. It isn't unusual for children to worry about friends when they have moved
into a new class or new school. Sometimes children will show problems with friends when they're upset about another change
in their lives, such as parental separation or divorce or the birth of a sibling.
When friendship problems
emerge during a "transition" time for the child, they may signal that the child needs extra support from the parent & teacher at that time. When friendship problems have been stable & have existed for a long time,
however, children may need direct help to develop friendships.
Q: What can be done to help children develop friendships?
A: Different children
have different needs when it comes to helping them get along better with others & making friends. The age of the child,
the kinds of behaviors that are part of the problem, the reasons for the friendship problem - all of these may affect the
helping strategy.
One helping strategy
involves social skill training. In this strategy, a trained helper (usually a counselor or a teacher)
helps children learn the skills needed to make & keep friends. These skills might include sharing, cooperation, helping
& other prosocial skills. The skills might also include anger management & conflict resolution skills. Sometimes social
skill training is done individually with children, but often it's done in a small group.
Another helping strategy
focuses on helping children who are having trouble getting along with others because of angry, aggressive, or bossy behavior.
Often parents are included in programs to help these children develop better anger management skills & to help children
reduce fighting.
Trained counselors,
educators, or psychologists work with parents to help them find positive discipline strategies & positive communication
skills so that the parents can help their children get along better with others. Sometimes teachers will be involved in reward
systems designed to help children learn positive behavior to replace aggressive behaviors in the classroom.
A third helping strategy
focuses on finding a good social "niche" for the child. Sometimes a teacher can organize cooperative learning groups that
help an isolated child make friends in the classroom. Sometimes parents can help by inviting potential friends over to play
or getting their child involved in a social activity outside of school that is rewarding (such
as scouting, church group, sports groups).
Q: How can I get help?
A: Sometimes it's
difficult for parents to know whether their child needs help making friends & how to go about finding possible sources of help in their community. There are several people who
can be useful sources of information for parents:
1) classroom teachers
& school counselors can be helpful, both by providing information about the child & suggesting helpful resources within the school,
2) local community
mental health centers can provide information about possible parent education programs, child social skill training programs,
or local counselors or psychologists are working with children who have friendship problems
3) local parks
& recreation offices can provide information about community social recreational opportunities for children, such as scouting
& recreational group options.
Friendships are
important to children. The interest you show in your child's friendship & the support you offer to your child in this important area of development are worthwhile.
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