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 A Feeling of Infinite Emptiness
by Kathleen Howe
It's almost impossible to put the feeling I've too often experienced
that I can only identify by "infinite emptiness." I can describe the old well in the yard that seems to have no bottom and
explain that the hole that is filled with only emptiness that dwells inside of me may never be filled although my life has
so much warmth and pleasure within my children and grandchildren. The infinite well of emptiness seems like the same intensely
overwhelming pit of loneliness that I've also tried to describe that lives within me as well.
I believe that any parent who has lost a child may feel the same, unchangeable feeling of
emptiness - a place within your heart that can never be filled again as it once was. Sure there are other compartments within
the same heart that are filled with love and warmth and happiness at times, but what has been taken from that depth of emptiness
that lives - a severe hollowness - an empty chamber where no blood flows, no warmth grows, no heart beats - it's the most
painful injury you've ever experienced contained within that empty well.
There is no end. There are no ways to mend it. It will never heal. It just stays empty, throbbing
sometimes when one allows the memories of what once was and then suddenly never was again. When the life of a child is taken
from you - especially the mother who gave birth to the child - it's the essence of the word - "emptiness."
There are other feelings and emotions that are contained within the well that sometimes emerge;
such as sadness, agony, angst, and loneliness. No one can ever take the place of what you have lost. You can add love but
you can never replace love that is lost.
What I have tried to do is befriend the well. I've cast my wishes for strength and peace to
somehow intervene in the vast hollow space. I've prayed and sat in solitude, wishing, hoping and forever grieving over a wound
that will never heal but will somehow allow me to embrace what might have been with a specialness, a reserve of the incredible
love that would have been spent.
While I didn't lose my child to death, I lost my children to evilness. I lost my children
to parental alienation. All I can do is to ask the Lord to settle up when the time comes. The people in my life who I loved
and trusted betrayed me, but they wounded my children by stealing them from me. They controlled me by having control of my
children. They said bad things about me and tried to replace me with other women. I lost time, shared experiences and their
love for too much time.
While I understand it and I can see why it happened; it never changes the emptiness - the
pit - the never ending well inside of my heart of those precious times I lost with my kids. While I was wounded - so were
they by their own parent and I'm so sorry for them.
Emptiness is a very infinite feeling. It seems that it will never go away, never change, never
release me - but I am learning to live with it and embrace it and to allow it to teach me things. I am learning forgiveness
and charity. I am learning to value what I have and to never take anyone person in my life for granted. I don't take people
in general for granted either.
We are all worth so much and the emptiness within may someday be filled if I can let it be.
Maybe someday it will be filled with the love and support of those that I meet in the future. I pray it will happen. I pray
it will happen to every person who knows the same emptiness I have within me.
Are You Encouraging Your Kids By
Teaching Them the Life Skills They Need to be Self Sufficient?
by Kathleen Howe
Imagine yourself being eighteen
years old again and having the self confidence within yourself to be able to close your eyes to the future and welcome it
on with open arms and breathless anticipation.
Imagine that you felt secure
and safe with what you had learned as a child, because your parents were encouraging to your needs of learning self sufficiency
and self reliance. They knew you'd have to rely upon yourself in the big world and they wanted you to be prepared for it instead
of having to always rely on them for advice and guidance.
Imagine that you felt prepared
for leaping out into the world because you felt confident with the life skills you were taught and you knew who you were and
what you wanted from the big world around you!
There's tons of parents
out there - my ex-husband being one of them - that feel insecure about themselves so they hold their adult children hostage
by not allowing them to make up their own minds by themselves. They only let them know part of the equation of growing up
and living life in the real world so that their adult child will always have to come back to them for every decision that
needs to be made.
I believe in the case of my ex-husband - he only knows one
way to parent our son. He was brought up by controlling and abusive parents, one being an alcoholic. I honestly believe that
he doesn't have the self confidence in himself as an adult human being that he can teach his son what he needs to know
and then let him go confidently out into the world to do things on his own. He needs his son to need him because he feels
inadequately attached. My ex-husband does not understand the meaning of unconditional love.
I understand now that it's not his fault that he doesn't
understand unconditional love. He wasn't parented to know it. Can we use that as an excuse our entire adult lives though?
If we want to. We can always rely on excuses like how we were parented if we want to cast off our own responsibilities on
our parents.
I believe now that once we realize that we don't feel
good about something in our lives - which I am sure is the reason for my son's drinking too much alcohol as a negative coping
mechanism - that we need to hold ourselves accountable for learning what is bothering us. We're responsible for our own selves
as adults. It's that simple.
Accountability is important but it's not easy. Keeping this in mind, it's up to us as parents to hold ourselves accountable for teaching
our children as they grow up to learn adequate life skills so that as adults they can rely upon their own selves, feeling
self confident in themselves to make life decisions without our help.
It's up to us as parents to correct our mistakes if we raised
our children to be dependent on us. We must go back and right our wrongs. Perhaps our adult children have learned these things
about us as parents already, but that doesn't matter. As a parent we have the responsibility of apologizing for our ignorance
and for making mistakes and acknowledging these things to our ourselves and our adult children. It breeds respect for each
other.
I was never taught life skills as a child and I have never
been self sufficient as an adult. I was trapped in abusive relationships my entire adult life because I never felt confident
enough in myself to be able to take care of myself and my children. Keep this in mind when you are raising your children.
It's so important to encourage them to do things for themselves! Learn how to encourage your kids and the important people
in your life. It's an important life skill to possess!
Post Script!
After re-reading the articles concerning encouraging your
children to learn how to do things and after writing the above comments, I find myself GUILTY of the same thing I ask you
not to do when I think about it!
It's easier to do things ourselves as parents and when I re-read
the articles on the encouragement page the first thing that came to mind was my grand daughter wanting to put the DVD's into
the DVD player herself! DVD's are expensive and she is only 2 1/2 years old so I have been telling her that I will do it because
she always seems to be snacking on something and has sticky fingers. Instead of taking the time to teach her that if she is
going to be big enough to handle the DVD's that she must wash her hands first and treat them with respect so that they don't
get ruined.
So those of you baby boomers who parented your kids the easy way, doing things yourself because
it was less bothersome, but your kids didn't learn what they needed to know - take note when you are a grandparent! This is
your second chance to recognize your mistakes and not make them again!
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Feeling Empty within Marriage
by Kathleen Howe
I've been married four times.
This is why I feel that I have to write about feeling empty within marriage. I never knew
what love was but I got married anyway. When unhappiness plagued me, I thought I was feeling "empty"
towards my spouse. In reality I was feeling "empty" within my own self. I didn't know myself.
I was unhappy, yes, admittedly unhappy, but the reasons for that unhappiness was because I didn't know who I was. Not knowing
who you are inside - your real self - is an empty feeling.
I believe whole heartedly
that these concepts of not knowing who you are - not knowing what love really is - and not feeling confident in the
true reasons for your marriage are what can cause us confusion, anger and feelings of emptiness.
In the beginning days of my personal growth recovery journey I had to have healing with my adult children. They suffered because
of me in their childhood. I knew that because of my decisions they were wounded.
I knew the importance
of validating them once I began to catch on the the importance of pulling out the unresolved emotions and feelings
we all have a storehouse of within our beings. I was busy doing my own personal inventory and researching my own childhood
to see where my woundings came into play with my diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder I had strong intuitive feelings
that the disorder had begun in my childhood.
I knew that they needed to be educated about me as their mother
and educated about why I did the things I did - made the decisions I made and why they were hurt. They had to know why I didn't
protect them as a mother needs to do when abuse is present. I was a victim as well. I was ignorant and naive. I didn't know
myself then and I certainly didn't understand motherhood and what what kids need to grow up healthy.
I didn't want them to be fifty years old and just starting
their search for answers. I wanted them to know the truth of their lives. I didn't want them to feel
empty when they found themselves lost along their own life journey.
If you're unhappy in your marriage - stop everything and
have a truthful talk with your spouse. If you have children do not get divorced on a whim and take these words earnestly and
with much thought. Get to know who you are inside first. Talk to your partner about the same thing. Does your husband or wife
know who they are inside. Do you know your authentic selves? Are you living as your authentic selves or are you just getting
by - coping with life - not living in the present moment - living in the past where you've been hurt?
Get to counseling, both individually and together. I admitted to my adult children that after seeing what divorce has done to them and to me - as well
as their father - that if I had it to do over again I would never have gotten divorced.
It's worth the effort to take marriage seriously enough to do everything
possible to save it. Not only will you come out of your expeirences not feeling empty anymore if you do as I say, but you
will find a deep respect for yourself and your partner. You will learn how to know yourself, love yourself and find the true
meaning of unconditional love.
If you have children - send them to counseling as well. If you've been
living life in dysfunctional mode, then your children need to learn some important lessons about their own selves and about
life. They need to be listened to. They need someone to help them sort things out and you're not ready as their parents to
do that if you're messed up yourselves.
You will lose the feelings of emptiness
once your life is full of positive and interesting factions. Believe me. I've suffered enough for all of you and this is what
I've found to be true. The truth will set you free.
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