   Emotional Dependency vs. Emotional Freedom
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D., The Official Guide to Love
What is Emotional
Dependency?
Lydia consulted with me because her relationship with
her husband, Andrew, was falling apart. Andrew had moved out, stating that he could no longer tolerate Lydia's neediness and constant pull on him to make her feel loved and secure.
Now that they were
separated, Lydia's emotional dependency was getting even worse. She was deeply addicted
to Andrew making her feel better, if only through a brief text message.
Lydia believed
that her feelings of safety, worth, and lovability had to come from someone else. She took no emotional
responsibility - no responsibility for what she was telling herself and how she was treating herself that were causing her pain and panic.
As we worked with the Inner Bonding process, it became clear to Lydia that her panic was being caused by her
own self-abandonment, not by Andrew abandoning her. She was constantly abandoning her inner child by judging herself, ignoring
the feelings resulting from her self-judgments, and then handing her inner child to Andrew to take care of.
When she couldn't
reach Andrew, she would collapse into tears and sooth herself with TV and food. She constantly felt panicked, not because
Andrew was not there for her, but because she had never developed an inner loving adult capable of taking loving care of herself.
As a result of her self-abandonment, Lydia was constantly emotionally
needy and pulled on Andrew with her tears and anger. While she said she loved Andrew, her primary intent was to get love rather
than to give and share love. Lydia was emotionally dependent.
What
is Emotional Freedom?
We are emotionally free when:
- We do not make others, the
past, or circumstances responsible for our feelings - we do not see ourselves as victims. Instead, we take responsibility for causing our own suffering by noticing how we treat ourselves and what we tell ourselves, and we nurture ourselves through
the grief, sorrow, and loneliness that come from painful life events, such as the death of a loved one.
- We are not governed by our
feelings. Our feelings guide us, but we are not led around by them. We recognize that our positive feelings of love, peace,
and joy are letting us know that we are taking loving care of ourselves, and that our negative feelings of anger, fear, hurt, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, and so on are letting us know that we are abandoning ourselves.
- We do not collapse into our
feelings, becoming our feelings. Instead, we are a witness of our feelings and learn from them and/or nurture them.
We are emotionally free when we learn from our feelings and take loving action in our own behalf to take responsibility for our painful feelings, and for our feelings of worth, lovability, safety and security.
Relationships and Emotional ResponsibilityRelationships
flounder when one or both partners are emotionally dependent on the other partner for their
feelings of worth, lovability, safety, and security. When you abandon yourself and make your partner responsible for your pain and your self-worth, then you are stuck trying to have control over your partner taking care of you - doing
for you what you need to be doing for yourself.
When you are not loving and valuing yourself, you do not
have love to share with your partner. You are constantly trying to get love rather than share love. Trying to have control
over getting the love that you need to be giving to yourself is what creates most relationship problems.
When each person
in a relationship decides to learn how to take responsibility for their own feelings, they can then come together to learn, grow, play, and share love. This is much more fun than trying
to get love!
Author's Bio
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert,
and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Are you are ready to discover real love and intimacy? Learn
Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!
Getting Past Emotional Pain
by
Ruth Purple
All of us have been emotionally
hurt at one time or another - it doesn’t matter who and what you are, really. However, there are also people who seem
so totally unreceptive to emotional pain. These are the type who doesn’t give a smack
when someone tries to get close to them with a bit of an emotional bonding experience, and
who rarely (if ever) attempt some kind of a smile. Maybe they have been
badly burned or are just afraid of getting burned, so they build their little wall of emotional
resistance for future security. But, if there’s one thing we should be thankful of out of being hurt, it’s that
we learn a lesson from it.
Albeit painful, the lessons we get makes us able to grow
and seek out new relationships which are healthier and more positive than the last one. We tend to look for and welcome people
who treat us the way we would rather be treated. And if we have truly learned our lesson and got smart from it, we try to
avoid the same people who were responsible for creating those negative and emotionally trying relationships that got
us hurt in the first place. In this case, it’s the nice guys and girls who finish first. Being in a dreadful relationship
with someone who treated you like dirt felt positively rotten.
But, you wanted your
partner to at least treat you like the way he/she used to, so you opted to stay around, no matter how hard it was. You tried
to be man (or woman) enough and bear the emotional
pain that the other person caused, which only got worse because you stayed around. And after all the hurt and pain, when the
relationship had its breaking point at last, you were so badly bruised and beaten that you can hardly crawl away. Not a very
happy ending, but it can be - because after getting over the pain and moving on, that’s when you see just what it’s
worth.
By looking back at your previous relationship, you’ll come to appreciate
someone who treats you a lot better, so you cultivate relationships with a different sort of person. It’s not all depressing,
though, because not all relationships can cause hurt or grief like that. A lot of people may have an awful problem or two
in their lifetime, but that’s it (hopefully). After all, we’re
all human and we have hearts that could break! The good thing about feeling the pain of being treated poorly and living through
it to see the other side is learning from it. We get smart and we move on.
We know
just when enough is enough. It’s either one creates an emotional wall for protection
or simply gets out of the relationship. People have different ways of coping from emotional
pain. Some take it hard and change their entire persona while hiding the pain and hurt that they actually feel. A lot of times
the person who has been significantly hurt in the past also has a history of causing emotional
pain. The thing is, getting hurt can be good for you. of course if you’re in pain right now, it sounds absurd, but when
you look back after all the pain is gone you’ll truly appreciate the experience and the things you learned from it.
Just thank your lucky stars that you got through it and came out as a whole, new
person, bearing the scars that would remind you of past mistakes.
Author's Bio
The author of this article Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples
for many years. Ruth recently published a new home study course on how to get your cheating spouse back. More info about this
“Winning Your Man Back From Infidelity” program is available at YouCanGetHimBack.com.
Seven Steps to Releasing Emotional Turbulence
by Deepak Chopra
Emotional turbulence interferes
with emotional well being and initiative. Fear, anger, guilt and anxiety are deviations from natural condition of balance and stand in the way of spiritual evolution. Restoring
balance can be evolutionary in itself.
Patients suffering from life threatening illness
often report that their diseases have taught them to love and value the other people in their lives more deeply than before
they became ill. During recovery they learn to appreciate and understand areas of life that they took for granted before.
Overcoming anxiety can bring the same disguised benefits that dealing with a physical illness can bring. Anger, fear, and worry are not diseases, but we can grow from them even as we process them to become the person we want to be.
By resorting to our inherent intelligence, harmony and creativity, we engage our ability to manifest
a positive outcome, but if we are emotionally turbulent, then we are too agitated to access
to that field of potentiality. Through meditation we experience our silent self beyond our thoughts and emotions. This is
our internal reference point for equilibrium and from where we can create a desired outcome. To restore balance in our life,
meditation must therefore be an essential ingredient. It is also important to support this with balanced activity in the basic
areas of diet, exercise and sleep. Assuming these fundamental balancing components are in place, I would offer an additional
exercise to specifically address what to do in the face of intense anxiety and fear.
Emotional distress is a form of pain. If we learn how to recognize pain as soon
as possible, we can also learn how to effectively metabolize and eliminate pain. If we don’t deal with pain when it
occurs, we can be certain it will resurface as compounded emotional toxicity later on. The
remembrance of pain not processed appears as insomnia, hostility, or anger. If a past hurt has not been metabolized and eliminated
there will be anticipation of having that experience again, generating fear and anxiety. As a further complication, if you don’t know how to deal with either of these feelings of anger and fear, you are likely to turn them inward at your self, believing “It’s all my fault.” That guilt depletes our
physical, emotional and spiritual energy until any initiative or movement feels impossible.
We feel exhausted and paralyzed leading to depression. Toxic turbulent emotions have one cause - not knowing how to deal with
pain. Pain is normal to life, but suffering isn’t. When we do not know how to deal with pain, then we suffer.
Learning how to metabolize pain involves these steps:
· Identify and locate the emotion
physically
· Witness the experience
· Take responsibility
· Express the emotion
· Release the emotion
· Share the outcome
· Celebrate the process
Set aside a few minutes when you won’t be disturbed. Sit comfortably and close your eyes. For a few minutes,
just meditate in silence. Focus on your breathing or if you prefer you may use a mantra.
Now
with eyes still closed recall some circumstance in the recent past that was upsetting to you. It may be a time when you felt
you were mistreated, an argument with your partner, or perhaps a past injustice at work. Identify some instance where you
felt emotionally upset.
For the next 30 seconds
think in detail about that incident. Try to picture what actually happened as vividly as you can, as if you were reporting
it for a newspaper. Here you are the observer watching this event. You are not the event, the argument, or the emotional upset; you are merely witnessing what is happening from the perspective of your silent self. You
are carrying the effect of the meditation you just did, allowing you to maintain a vantage point that is not overshadowed
by the quality of the emotions.
Now identify exactly what you are feeling. Put some
word on the incident that describes what you are experiencing. Be as precise as you can. Do you feel unappreciated? Insulted?
Treated unfairly? Give the feeling a name. Come up with a word that epitomizes the painful experience. Focus your attention
on that word.
Gradually allow your attention
to move away from the word. Let your attention wander into your body. Become aware of the physical sensations that arise in
your body as a result of the emotion you’ve identified. These two elements - an idea in the mind and a physical sensation
in the body, are what an emotion truly is, and they can’t really be separated.
This
is why we call it a feeling. It is because we feel emotions in our bodies. Let your attention pass through your body as you’re
recalling this experience. Locate the sensations the memory brings up. For many it’s a pressure in the chest or a sensation
of tightness in the gut. Some feel it as pressure in their throat. Find where it is in your body that you’re feeling
and holding the emotional experience.
Now express that feeling. Place your hand on
the part of your body where you sense that the feeling is located. Express audibly, “It hurts here.” If you’re
aware of more than one location for the pain, move your hand from place to place. At every location, pause for a moment and
express what you’re feeling. Say, “It hurts here.” When you experience physical discomfort, it means that
something is unbalanced in your experience - physically, mentally, or spiritually. You body knows it - every cell in your
body knows it. Befriend these sensations and their wisdom, because the pain is actually leading you to wholeness.
Writing your feelings out on paper is a valuable way to express the emotion. This is especially
effective when you can write out your painful experience in the first person, in the second person and finally from the perspective
of a third person account.
Be aware that any painful feelings you experience are
your feelings. These feelings are happening inside your body now as you remember the pain, even though nothing is actually
taking place in the material world. You’re only remembering what happened, yet your body is reacting with muscle contractions,
hormonal secretions, and other responses within you. Even when the painful incident was occurring in the material world, the
effect was entirely within you. You have choice in how you respond and interpret this emotional
turbulence. Recognizing this is taking responsibility for your feelings.
This doesn’t mean that you feel guilty. Instead, it means
that you recognize your ability to respond in new and creative ways. Taking responsibility for your feelings, you can also gain the power to make the pain melt away. You’re no longer blaming anyone else for
having caused the pin, so you no longer have to depend on anyone else to make it go away. Hold that understanding in your
consciousness for the next few moments.
Now you’re ready to release the pain.
Place your attention on the part of your body where you’re holding the pain, and with every exhalation of your breath
have an intention of releasing that tension. Over the next 30 seconds, just feel the painful sensation leaving your body with
every breath. Some people find that making an audible tone that resonates in that part of your body where the pain is localized
helps to loosen and lift the contraction away. You can also experiment to discover what works best for you. For others singing
or dancing does the trick. You may try deep breathing, using essential oils, or a taking a long warm bath. Finally, if you
have written out your emotions on paper, it can be useful to ritually burn the paper and offer the ashes to the winds.
Sharing the outcome of releasing your pain is important because it activates the new pattern of
behavior after the old painful pattern is released. Imagine that you could speak to the person who was involved in that original
painful incident. What would you say to that person now? Bear in mind that he/she was not the real cause of your pain. The
real cause was your response. In your transformed state you are now free. So you can share what happened without blame, manipulation
or seeking approval.
Perhaps they intended to cause you pain, and you may have unwittingly
collaborated in that intention. Maybe you would like to say you no longer intend to fall into such traps. Whatever you say
is totally up to you. As long as you have an awareness of the steps we’ve taken so far in this exercise, whatever you
say will be right for you.
Now you can celebrate the painful experience that had
taken place as the valuable material that helped you move to a higher level of consciousness. What was previously a disconnected,
destructive and disabled part of your psyche is now integrated and contributing its power toward your greater spiritual goal.
Instead of responding to the situation with a pain reflex, perpetuating the problem, you’ve turned it into an opportunity
for spiritual transformation. That is something to celebrate. Go out for a nice dinner or buy yourself some flowers or a present
to honor the new you.
Use this exercise whenever you feel upset to free yourself
from emotional turbulence and the underlying pain. When you do that, you’ll find opportunities
will arise more often in every area of your life.
Emotional Arguments and Explosions
by Donald Wallach, MFT
I’ve been working
with a lot of couples over the years. One of the most common concerns they bring up are arguments that get too aggressive.
Spouses end up getting emotionally hurt, upset and angry. While conflicts are a given in
relationships, you can dramatically improve how you argue and significantly decrease the emotional
damage you are doing to the relationship.
When a conflict is beginning, we tend to
think that we know what we are talking about and the other person is wrong. While this could be true, when an argument is
escalating towards bickering, heighted emotion and possibly an emotional explosion, something
else is happening. Once the emotion gets too high, you are no longer thinking so clearly and it is time to pull back, get
out of the conversation or try something to repair the emotional distance and damage that
is starting.
I’m going to describe in the next few sections, three ways to
reduce the damage and improve the communication between you and your spouse.
Recognizing
You are Losing Control of Yourself
The number one thing to do is
recognize that you, not just your partner is starting to lose control. Then determine, should you get out of the argument,
or are you capable or changing your direction and trying some communication skills.
If you are able to do
the communication skills, you may try this:
• Active
listening: paraphrasing what the other person is saying and ask if you are understanding them correctly.
• Re-phrase what you are trying to say, but explain it in a toned down way. And that it is just from your point
of view. In this case, you are recognizing out loud that there are other reasonable points of view.
And if you are not able to do the communication skills, it may be best to get out of the argument. This next section
will help you recognize if you need to retreat temporarily from the argument.
The Feeling
That is not Your Friend
Feelings are natural parts of being human.
And in general, feelings are useful to express, whether it’s sadness, happiness, anger (in
appropriate ways), fear, anxiety, disappointment, and all the others. Except for one…and with couples I am working with, I sometimes call that
feeling “the feeling that is not your friend”. This is the feeling or sensation that occurs when the argument
is heading out of control. You can’t think clearly, your words come out distorted…you may even hear a tremor or
shakiness in your voice. You start getting too aggressive in your comments. You are barely listening to what your partner is sharing – just quickly shooting down their argument and pressuring them with your next come
back.
From a brain standpoint, what is happening is that you are “thinking”
at this point with the center part of your brain. This is sometimes called the animal brain or the lizard brain. It is a more
primitive part of our brain structure. The outer most layer of the brain is the cortex, this is the part of the brain that
is the most human…the other animals don’t have it. That’s where logic and higher level thinking occurs.
So what do you do with this awareness of your brain?
Well, here’s the strategy.
You want to get the cortex working again as quickly as possible, or end the argument, coming back to it later.
To get your cortex back online quickly, try this:
• Take
a deep breath. The brain is the biggest consumer of oxygen in your body. Without enough oxygen, your cortex won’t work
well… and your brain will fall back to using more of the animal brain. Plus, pausing to take a deep breath activates
cortical thinking. That’s because you have to become more conscious just to realize what is happening and to tell yourself
to take a deep breath – which means you are activating your cortex.
• Recognize
that you are losing control and tell yourself that. Becoming conscious of it is a major step towards turning things around.
•
Decide if it’s time for you to take a time out.
The
Right Use of Time Outs
Someone in the couple frequently will complain
about time outs. Usually one person always wants to fight out every argument without pause until they are done, and the other
wants to flee the argument, finding themselves pursued by the other. One pursues, the other flees.
There is a remedy for this. It does involve taking space for a while. The partner that always pursues is always
upset to hear me say this in couples counseling. But there is hope here…because there is a better way to do this.
Here’s how it works:
• The person who needs space announces they need some space.
• Before they leave, they say when they are willing to continue
the discussion.
• The other person agrees to meet at the later time. If it
seems too far away or is not a good time they can try to negotiate the time. But if the argument is too heated and one person
really needs space quickly, there may not be much time for negotiating. The person who needs to leave should be supported in leaving quickly.
The final part of this process
is that the person who left, comes back at the time they agreed upon, to continue the discussion.
For couples who try this approach to heated arguments, things will usually get better, trust increases, and
affection can return to the relationship.
If you found these tips useful, you’ll
want to take a look at some of the articles about relationships on my website: www.donwallach.com.
Author's Bio
Donald Wallach, MFT is a psychotherapist in private practice in Marin and
Sonoma County, California. He is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who specializes in couples counseling.
Building Emotional Strength
by Kim Fredrickson
We need to take responsibility for our own emotional maturity regardless of what steps of growth our spouse, friend, parent,
or child does or does not take. Just as we exercise to gain physical strength, pray and read the Bible to gain spiritual strength,
and study to gain intellectual strength - there are ways we can gain emotional strength
inside ourselves, and in our relationships.
The great news is that there are steps
we can take ourselves to strengthen our own emotional development. When we are stronger
emotionally, it will help our Relationships in every area of our life.
The way we grow emotionally involves:
- Learning
about and recognizing our emotions
- Accepting them and working with them
- Learning to tolerate feeling them a little more each time
- Learning
to express our feelings in healthy ways
When we begin to pause and notice
the feelings going on inside of us, it is helpful to have some skills to help us process these feelings. The challenge is
to allow these feelings to surface as we find new ways to interact with them besides distraction, denial, acting them out
on someone, or deadening them with a substance.
This builds
emotional muscles, as we are able to tolerate our emotions in a healthy way. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, and
Relationship Coach, I have identified some helpful ways to release, understand, and accept our feelings as we grow in this
area. Pay attention to yourself as you read the following ideas: Some of these will be a good fit for you, and others won’t.
Talk – You may find it helpful to talk through the feelings you are becoming
aware of. Talking with someone who will listen and accept those feelings will help you understand them. Sharing your feelings with someone else will help you connect with
another person, rather than isolating yourself from your feelings and/or other people.
Read
– Sometimes it is helpful to read in order to understand what is going on inside of you. Reading may help you recognize
feelings or experiences you have had. Reading often helps bring understanding to the confusion you may be feeling.
Move Your Body – It is helpful sometimes to let your body physically release the energy,
anxiety, sadness, and other emotions you may be feeling. Some have reported that swimming, walking, aerobics, biking, running,
etc lets out some of the energy associated with these emotions.
Write
– Writing your feelings down in a journal can help you express and release them. Putting these newly felt emotions down
on paper could help you further process them and lead to an even greater understanding of yourself.
Talk To God – Tell Him of your feelings. Ask Him to reveal to you what you are feeling and how to proceed.
Read in the Psalms (25, 28, 40, 42, 46, 51, 61, 69, 103, and 119) to see how David poured his heart (emotions) out to God. He accepts your emotions and understands you.
Write
Yourself a Comforting Note or e-mail – Tell yourself the truth about your worth, value, and hope for the future. Consider
asking a friend to write you one too. Read it over when you need encouragement.
Listen To Music – Ask yourself what type of music brings you comfort and peace when you are upset or hurting. Give yourself
permission to rest and listen to this music when the emotions that come up need soothing.
Talk to Yourself Encouragingly – When you are learning how to grow in emotional maturity it can be slow, scary,
unknown. Say to yourself softly, “I know, it will be OK. It makes sense to be sad/scared/want to give up. God loves
me, He is helping me, and there is so much hope. Just keep at it, growth will happen.”
Feel
Them – Let yourself feel some of the emotions that are coming up. One way to teach yourself that you are feeling is
to learn how to read the physiological body sensations that let you know you are feeling something. For example, you may be
aware of a pit or butterflies in your stomach, sweaty palms, feeling choked up in your throat, etc. As a feeling comes up,
pause and breathe through it, rather than distract yourself with an activity, or covering it over with a substance. You might
say to yourself, “Yes this is loneliness. It is powerful and very hard to feel, and yes I’m going to let myself
feel some of it” or “I’m feeling very sad right now about it” or “Yes, I’m really angry
right now”. If you want, imagine Jesus or a good friend there with you providing support. Know that you are going to
need to do a lot of this. One of the biggest “fall-outs” of painful childhood experiences is a disconnection from
yourself and your feelings. By working with your feelings rather than against them, you actually reclaim a part of yourself
previously lost.
Label What You Are Feeling - Now that you know you are feeling,
your next task is to figure out what the emotion is. Begin with the general category of emotion (glad,
mad, sad), then fine tune the feeling. Eventually you will be able to more precisely label your feelings,
thus understanding yourself better, as well as being able to communicate to others more accurately how you feel.
Begin To Share Your Feelings Slowly - Try to ascertain with whom you wish to share your feelings,
and which ones you wish to keep to yourself. Not all feelings should be shared with all people. Try to learn who is safe to
share with and who isn’t. Sharing a little bit and seeing what the response is usually does this. Is there interest
and acceptance, or advice giving and condemnation? You will usually find that some level of sharing will be fine with some
but not with others.
You can work with yourself to build emotional
strength as well as a better relationship with yourself! Don’t give up, work on it a little at a time, and you
will see results. Remember to treat yourself as a good friend would: be patient with your struggles, listen to your wants and needs, and celebrate your gains - no matter how small! Go for it!
Author's Bio
Kim Fredrickson, M.S., Marriage and Family Therapist (CA MFC
22635 and Life, Parent, and Relationship Coach is the author of many popular CD’s and articles that will help you build
Encouraging Relationships in your life. To learn more about Kim and sign up for more FREE Relationships Tips, visit her site
at www.EncouragingRelationships.com. You can also visit her newest site at www.kimfredrickson.com.
|
 |
|
Emotional intimacy is not
the same as sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy can take place with or without emotional intimacy,
and emotional intimacy often does not occur within any kind of sexual context.
Emotional intimacy is a psychological event that occurs when the trust level and communication
between two people is such that it fosters the mutual sharing of each other's innermost selves. It is unbridled mutual self
disclosure.
Sadly, a lacking of emotional intimacy
in relationships is common, and as a result we pay a heavy a price. Its absence can easily be witnessed by way of strained
and failed relationships of those all around us, and in a larger context, reflected within the staggering divorce rates.
In our most intimate relationships, we seek to feel wholly accepted, respected, worthy, and even
admired in the eyes of our mate. We would like our relationship to be a comfortable place for us when we are weary. A place
of compassion and support.
Emotional intimacy is needed for these feelings to develop
and continue, and when there is a lacking of it the relationship breaks down. One or both parties might even seek to have
these needs filled outside of the relationship, and this of course only makes matters much worse.
Why
is this quality so often missing from our relationships?
If emotional intimacy is the glue that holds our unions together, why do we seem to avoid it like the plague?
The majority of people have difficulty practicing openness and allowing themselves to be vulnerable
with someone. Due to gender socialization, this might be a more trying process for men. However, both genders can struggle
immensely with divulging how they really think and feel, for fear of the ultimate rejection, the rejection of our true selves.
We can especially
be afraid to expose our real selves to someone who's opinion really matters to us. What if we were criticized, laughed at,
or seen as undesirable for our expression of who we authentically are, by someone very close and important to us? Though these
are the people that it is hardest to reveal our inner truths to, ironically these are the very people that we need most to do it with.
Since we have shied away from emotional
intimacy for so long we have not developed adequate communication skills in the area of intimate disclosure. We lack the ability to verbalize
what our true emotional wants and needs are to our partner. It might be difficult to find exactly the right words to communicate our feelings accurately. In fact,
it might even be difficult for us to formulate our wants and needs to our own selves. We might struggle to get in touch with such an truthful place within, when we are not used to dwelling
there.
So, if we add the fear factor to lack of experience and skill deficits we have in this area, the non presence of emotional
intimacy in our relationships is really no surprise.
What can we do about it?
If we want to develop more emotional intimacy with someone,
we ourselves need to become familiar with how we truly feel. How can we share our authentic feelings, wants and needs if even we are not aware of what they are?
The solution is to become consciously
connected to the feelings we have pushed down and buried for so long, and to explore them more completely until they are well
known to us.
We can begin by stepping away from the hectic world, finding a quiet
place and just sitting with ourselves. At first you might notice that it is hard to switch off the mind's chattering and get
quiet within. But the mind's chatter might be a valuable aid at this beginning point, in that its content can give us our
first insights into our deeper self.
The mind's commentaries that can inform us,
the ones we ordinarily disregard or hardly even notice, can go something like: "I can't let the softer side of me show or
I might be seen as a pushover and may not be respected, or might be taken advantage of". Or, "if I voice my true opinion and
it's very different than my mate's, I'm afraid they will judge me, or maybe it means we are not right for each other". A very
common one is "I don't feel good/deserving/smart enough for xyz".
What are some
of your familiar running self commentaries related to you partner and your relationship?
We
start by observing these statements neutrally, without self judgment. We just let them teach us about what has been going
on inside. As we continue to take advantage of this wonderful source of information during our quiet times, we become more
familiar with how we truly feel underneath of the layers. We begin to see connections that have eluded us before. We might
realize for instance, that we became a workaholic to avoid getting close. Perhaps we used inappropriate anger or other damaging
non cooperative attitudes to create distance within our relationship, out of the fear of emotional intimacy.
Eventually we will want
to move beyond the thoughts of the mind into a more deeper place where we can address our feelings without mental interference.
We can sit quietly, and still the mind by closing our eyes and focusing mentally on a peaceful image, or repeating a soothing
phrase. We quiet the thoughts and focus solely on the feelings we have. We allow ourselves to experience all of our emotions
fully, without retreat. This can be a very powerful and yet a difficult experience because our feelings of fear, anger, frustration, pain, sadness etc., might be very intense. In fact, we might only be able to remain engaged in this
state for short periods of time at first.
It is an exercise that takes practice
and patience, but is crucial to the knowledge and growth of our inner selves, which is crucial to our intimate relationships.
Something else that many find helpful with the process of inner connection is keeping
a daily journal. Not a journal in the sense of the circumstances of daily events, but one that places emphasis upon the feelings
or emotional elements of the situations.
Practicing
emotional intimacy in relationships:
Once we have
begun to know our inner selves, how does this translate into emotional intimacy within our
relationships?
We need to consciously create the environments and opportunities for emotional intimacy to be present:
-Time!
The most common way that emotional intimacy, and even general communication is lost, is by not spending enough time with
our partners. She works days, he works nights, and they pass one another in the hallway between shifts. Classes on the weekends
for her, playing on the local sports team for him. In a typical family household, it is often taking the children to umpteen
activities and trying to run a household on top of two partners working full time.
Many
of these things that keep that us so preoccupied with everything else but our partners, are unnecessary to the degree we engage
in them and are sometimes set up by us(may be unconscious) as a strategic
way of avoiding closeness. On the other hand some things may just be poor planning.
It
is essential that changes are made in the necessary areas to allow for the development of bonding time with our partners.
As we become more aware, we can make changes accordingly. Without emotional intimacy you
are walking a path of probability. One of being added to the disturbing statistics of failed relationships.
Spend time alone together each day. Set aside at least half an hour daily and begin to talk from
the place of your authentic selves. As you do so, you begin to experience being more vulnerable with each other. At times
you may wish to be in each other's company in complete silence. This nourishes a more profound connection at the level of
the soul, and is an incredibly powerful builder of intimacy.
- Deal with relationship
issues immediately, as they arise.
Do not drag out issues by ignoring them, outright
denying them, giving silent treatment, or holding grudges. This only creates resentment and further emotional
distance. Be emotionally present and prepared to share your true feelings. Encourage your partner to do the same by listening well, and accepting and understanding their truth(though it might not be the same as yours)
when they do.
Rather than having conflict tear down your relationship as is so commonly
the case, allow the working out of these issues to become a tool for actually building emotional
intimacy!
-Be a person of honesty, character and integrity in daily life.
Having these character qualities makes it much easier to open the door for trust and authentic
sharing to begin to take place at the outset, as it renders emotional intimacy a less risky
behavior for your partner.
-Express your appreciation for your partner with simple,
kind gestures.
Small acts of affection and thoughtfulness can mean the world, and
are one of the easiest ways to build strong emotional bonds. An extra effort to listen when you are overtired means so much, and does not go unnoticed. A willingness to see their favorite movie with them(which they know you do not like at all!) The possibilities are infinite, and
can be personalized to your partner.
- Strive to make this way of communication
routine.
Deep sharing from one partner encourages the same kind of disclosures from
the other. Trust and emotional intimacy builds gradually over time as we slowly reveal our
true selves and are consistently met with acceptance. As you are learning better ways to communicate and build intimacy, make
the effort to have it be the root mode of interaction you go to.
Of course, on occasions
things may not go as smoothly as we would wish, and we might find ourselves or our partners not acting in a manner that contributes
to emotional intimacy. Stay the course if there are setbacks. Return to a quiet space for
some peace and calm if you need to. Begin basic exercises that allow you to get information from thoughts about the situation,
and let go of the mental noise and allow yourself to fully feel your emotions.
Especially
at a time of misunderstanding an turmoil, remember above all that your partner loves and cares deeply about you, and you them.
That is the inner authenticity to act on underneath of the surface layers of hurt being expressed.
Keep practicing, and when feel tempted to withdraw to old ways, remember that the ongoing happiness and longevity
of your relationship and family unit is possible.
Remember that it is a choice you
continually make, moment to moment.
Author's Bio Life Path is a website dedicated to helping people
develop self awareness,
discover paths for relationship happiness &
longevity, and general positive life transformation:
http://www.colba.net/~lifepath/
ORGANIZING TIPS FOR WORKING WOMEN: Confronting the Emotional Side
of Simplicity
by Patty Kreamer, CPO®
How do you eliminate your
guilt, stress and fear about getting rid of clutter? Get rid of the mental clutter first, then tackle the physical clutter.
From a very young age, many children are taught that they should not waste, that they should use and keep everything.
This really instills a sense of guilt, so clutter amasses because we keep everything so as to avoid feeling guilty! It's like
having audiotapes playing constantly in your head, saying "YOU MUST NOT BE WASTEFUL!" every time you try to release something
from your life. Letting go doesn't seem like an acceptable option. But often it is.
Rather
than playing the same tapes over and over again that say you shouldn't throw anything away, why not create a new recording?
As you tell yourself that you shouldn’t waste anything, ask yourself which is more valuable:
* The things that you have accumulated and trip over daily, causing stress beyond your level of tolerance…
OR:
* The space and peace of mind that you would reclaim if you eliminated these
same items.
If you typically process thoughts from an emotional standpoint (feelings), you may find making the above choice is hard for you. However, using logic would make the second choice above a
no-brainer. Emotion might bring guilt, fear, stress and several other feelings into play. Thinking logically and reacting emotionally
are two very different approaches.
QUESTION: How do I eliminate my guilt, stress
and fear?
ANSWER: Give yourself permission.
Letting
go is tough, but not if you permit yourself to do so. Think of it as getting back to square one by letting go of the things
that you have held onto for dear life out of duty or guilt for so long. Your reward is a healthier, happier, and less stressful
life. Does that sound like a good enough incentive? Once you reach square one, then from that point forward, you must be discriminating
about what you allow into your life.
"The stuff you own can end up owning you!"
QUESTION: How do you give yourself permission to go against what you have been taught your whole
life?
ANSWER: Learn how you think differently.
"The
person that can make you feel most guilty is YOU!"
Typically, when you make a decision,
you base it on one of two things: emotion or logic. Naturally, if you are an emotional
or sentimental person, you probably tend to keep items for reasons that seem logical to you. But if you deeply examine
those reasons, you can break them down to see that your heart plays a bigger part than your head.
Looking at your stuff, it’s easier to feel what it means to you than it is to think about what it is doing
to you.
The key words here are feel and think. Understand that you don’t have
to remove all feeling from your life. You just need to examine where your thoughts stem from so that you can arm yourself
with a more practical point of view.
Changing the soundtrack in your head is not
an overnight process. You must make mental notes of how you currently think and give yourself the opportunity to develop alternative
ways of framing the situation. This will help you clear the emotional and mental clutter!
Author's Bio
Patty Kreamer, Certified Professional
Organizer(R) and owner of Kreamer Connect, Inc., provides speaking, coaching and consulting services to businesses and organizations
who value effective practices that will leave their people being more efficient, empowered and proud of their accomplishments.
source site: www.selfgrowth.com
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
