  
Are You Controlling or Loving Yourself?
By: Dr. Margaret Paul - [women]
Posted 09/25/03
How often do you hear a parental
voice in your head that says things like,
- "You've got to lose weight."
- "You should get up earlier every morning and exercise."
- "Today I should get caught up on the bills."
- "I've got to get rid of this clutter."
Let's explore
what happens in response to this voice.
We have a very good reason for judging ourselves: the judgmental part of us believes that by judging, criticizing, "shoulding" ourselves, we'll motivate ourselves to take action and therefore protect against failure or rejection.
We may have been judging ourselves to get ourselves to do things "right" since we were kids, hoping to keep ourselves in line. And we keep on doing it because we believe it works.
Let's take the example of Karl, who is a high-powered executive in a large
accounting firm. Karl has had a heart attack and is supposed to watch his diet. Right after his heart attack, he did well avoiding sugar, fats and overeating, but after 6 months or so, he found himself struggling with his food plan.
In our counseling session, Karl told me he was upset with himself for having a big desert as well as a big meal the night before. I asked Karl to put
himself back into the situation and recreate what he had been feeling.
"Well, I was out to dinner with one of our biggest clients. He asked me a question
and I didn't remember the facts, so I couldn't answer him. As soon as this happened, that voice came into my head telling
me that I'm stupid, that I should have remembered it and 'What's the matter with me anyway?'"
"What
did you feel as soon as you judged yourself?" I asked.
"Well, looking back, I think I felt that sad, sort of dark empty hollow feeling I often get inside. And you know what -
that's when I started to eat a lot of bread with tons of butter and ordered the desert! I didn't realize it was in response
to that empty feeling that I hate!"
"So the sad empty feeling is what you feel when you judge yourself. Judging yourself is an inner abandonment, so your Inner child then feels alone, sad and empty. You're telling your Child that he isn't good enough. I know that
you don't do this with your actual children, but you do it a lot with yourself, don't you?"
"Yeah,
I think I do it all the time. After I judged myself for not knowing the answer, then I judged myself for eating too much and having desert. And then I felt even worse."
"So what
did you hope for by judging yourself?
"I guess I hoped that I could control my eating and also get myself to work harder so I wouldn't forget things."
"It doesn't seem
to be working."
"No, it just makes me feel terrible. In fact, I can see that judging myself for not knowing the answer made me feel so badly that then I wanted to eat more. Instead
of giving me more control, it gave me less!"
"So you're trying to have control over yourself through your self-judgments, but what actually happens is that you feel awful and behave in addictive ways to avoid the pain. I think what also happens is that some part of you goes into resistance to being judged and told what to do, so you end up doing the opposite of what you tell yourself you should do."
"Right. As soon as I tell myself not to eat so much and judge myself for eating, that's when I really want to eat. So I'm eating to not be controlled and also because in judging myself I'm abandoning myself, which makes me feel sad and empty and I've always used food to fill up that emptiness.
Whew! How do I stop this cycle?"
"You can't stop it until you're conscious of it. As long as you're doing it unconsciously - on
automatic pilot - you have no choice over it. So the first thing you can do isn't try to change it but just notice it.
As you become very aware of this pattern, you'll have the choice to change it. You'll have the choice to be loving and caring toward yourself instead of judgmental once you become aware of what you're doing. You can start by noticing every time you feel that empty sad feeling and then exploring what you were telling yourself that led to the painful feeling."
Karl did start to notice and over time was able to stop judging himself. Not only did the sad empty feeling that he had experienced so often in his life go away, but he was able to keep to his medical nutrition plan for his heart. When his Inner Child felt loved instead of judged, he didn't need to eat to take away the pain.
Higher Protein Diet Helps Keep Hunger Away
Animal studies illuminate mechanism that boosts hormone controlling weight
HealthDay
By
Robert Preidt
Tuesday, September 5, 2006
TUESDAY, Sept. 5 (HealthDay
News) - Eating more protein can help increase levels of a hunger-fighting hormone called peptide YY (PYY), British scientists report.
Previous research found that
injections of PYY could reduce food intake by 1/3 in both normal-weight & obese people.
"We've now found that increasing
the protein content of the diet augments the body's own PYY, helping to reduce hunger & aid weight loss," study leader Rachel Batterham,
of Univ. College London, said in a prepared statement.
In research with obese &
normal-weight people, Batterham & her colleagues found that boosting the amount of protein in the diet stimulated greater release of PYY in the body than either high-fat or high-carbohydrate meals, resulting in a
greater reduction of hunger.
Further investigation in mice
found that high-protein diets increased the rodents' PYY levels & reduced the number of calories they consumed. Mice fed a high-protein diet also produced more PYY & gained less weight than mice fed the usual amount of protein.
Batterham's team also found
that genetically modified mice unable to produce PYY ate more & became extremely obese. These mice were resistant to the
effects of a high-protein diet, which demonstrates a direct link between protein & PYY, the scientists concluded.
When the genetically modified
mice were treated with PYY, they lost weight.
"The findings show that PYY
deficiency can cause obesity & that PYY appears to mediate the beneficial effects of increased protein-content diets," Batterham said. "One potential weight-loss strategy is therefore to increase the satiating power of the diet
& promote weight loss thru the addition of dietary protein - harnessing our own satiety system."
She said much more research
is needed before any particular high-protein diet could be recommended. Batterham emphasized that any such diet would not resemble the Atkins diet, which is high in both
saturated fat and protein.
The findings were published in the September issue of Cell Metabolism.
suicide
Nothing is ever the way that you want it to be.
You know that things aren't bad,
You're actually doing all right,
But that doesn't matter.
You're still not happy.
You can't explain why.
Sometimes, you feel
empty inside.
Other times you feel like you're jumping out of
your skin.
But there is always this feeling that you can't explain,
It makes you hate everything.
Well, maybe not everything,
But it makes you hate yourself.
All you want to do is stop this feeling,
And you start to believe that this isn't any way of stopping it.
There is no way of making things better in life.
Then this idea comes,
this sliver of an idea that makes you wonder,
"What if I did? What if?"
But you know you don't have the guts
And you feel worse because now,
on top of everything,
you are a coward.
So, you wake up and you put on a smile.
Like you do everyday
And you hope to God that no one notices that it's fake.
And you laugh at all the jokes you might have a
while ago
And you smile for pictures.
When you see the pictures they make you sick
Because you're so fake and "happy" in them
And you hate yourself for lying to everyone.
And you can't understand
how people don't notice that you aren't happy at all.
But you thank god that they don't.
You want them to like you,
As if it would help,
But you can never believe that they do,
Who would like someone like you?
And you live your life thinking that there is nothing good about you
And that there is no way out,
Well, maybe there is a way out,
But you're still a coward.
All you know is that no one else in the world is
feeling the way that you do,
that there has to be something wrong with you.
All you want to do is escape,
Permanently.
No one would miss you,
And if they did,
They'd get over it.
By
dana, age 16, schafgirl@cs.com
Hopelessness Is Better Than Feeling Nothing
By Mark Ivar Myhre
It can be a cold cruel world out there. You don't
have to look far to see it. That's why so many people sleep through life. Asleep in their pity, their judgments, and all the other anesthetics currently on the market. Sleeping because it's too painful to wake up.
It can be hard to find the hope in a world like this... A world of too much struggle and too much darkness.
There's only one way to change the condition of the world. You - reading these words right now - YOU - must make a difference. It really comes down
to you. The world waits for you to change. Here's one way you can start:
Find your degree of hope.
Most people seem to have lost theirs. Many feel hopeless. Maybe you do too. If so, that's great news! If you feel hopeless, then you're half-way home. Why?
Because it's MUCH worse to feel nothing than to
feel hopeless. If you're feeling hopeless, that means you're still feeling. Your 'system' still works.
If you're *beyond* hopelessness, that's a state of severe depression. If you're feeling hopeless, then there's still hope. Because you can't feel hopeless without also having the ability to feel hope.
All you have to do: embrace the hopelessness, feel it, and walk through it - and out the other side. To feelings that contain a little more hope; or at least, a little less hopelessness.
But if you're beyond hopeless - and you feel nothing - you'd be well-advised to spend all your time searching for feelings of despair and hopelessness. Even feeling empty or hollow is better than feeling nothing.
The important thing
involves getting on the playing field. Get in the game. Feeling *anything* rates as better than feeling nothing. Because feeling
nothing means you're flirting with serious depression. Much better to be angry, bitter, frustrated.
You have an emotional body. More real than your physical body. It can shrivel up
like a raisin when you totally shut down your feelings.
The good news is, you had
to CHOOSE to shut down your feelings. So you can also choose to *start* feeling again.
Feeling
nothing puts you in a dangerous position. Choosing to reach for your feelings - ANY feelings - can save you. Just making
the choice empowers you to a certain degree.
Feeling your feelings puts you in the
flow of life. First; choose to feel as richly and as deeply as possible. Second; let the feelings *keep* flowing. Let go of
those feelings once you feel them. That's where we so often screw up. We insist on hanging on to feelings we don't even like
- because we have a secret agenda in mind.
Our secret agenda becomes more important
than feeling good. Most often, the root cause lies in childhood: proving how bad we had it, for example.
If you're feeling hopelessness, despair, angst, etc. - you can always feel those feelings and release them. You inherently possess that ability. Every human
does. You're not special enough to be the only person on earth who can't release the pain from unresolved feelings.
Instead, you most likely carry a secret agenda for NOT letting them go. (If
you're like almost everyone else...)
But now comes the time for greater
understanding.
CHOOSE to understand, and let the details take care
of themselves. CHOOSE - before you go to sleep at night - as you're lying in bed - CHOOSE to have the understanding revealed
to you during the course of your dreams. And be willing to receive the answers.
Choose to
understand your feelings or lack of feelings. Choose to understand how it can be okay to feel hopeless. Choose to understand why you would not let the feelings flow freely.
Then you can transform
that scrawny little raisin into a plump luscious grape - bursting with flavor. The juicy grape that attracts and inspires
others.
Author's Bio: Get
those feelings flowing! Get back to your NATURAL flow of emotion. Find and tap into your wellspring of raw, emotional energy
by going to http://www.healing-emotional-pain.com
source site: click here
Saving a Marriage Alone: To Stay or Let Go...That Is the Question
By Larry Bilotta
Should I stay or should
I go?" Is that the burning question on your mind lately? In other words, is it possible to stop your spouse from running away…or
is it already too late?
With the American divorce rate at 60%, you're not alone in the pain and anguish you're currently going through.
On one hand you just want the fighting, arguing
and silent treatment to end. On the other, there's a ray of hope inside you that really believes this marriage can be salvaged.
One amazing human phenomena is when you chase someone
with urgency, they often run away faster. You may be at a point right now where your husband or wife is determined to leave you and for the life of you, there is no clear answer as to "Why?"
You've
asked your spouse a thousand times but all you get in return is answers you just don't understand. These "reasons for calling it quits" seem to conflict with earlier answers from earlier arguments and conversations. But that's not important right now.
What you really need to do is "stay the course".
Here's what I mean…
You may have noticed that your spouse seems deeply confused right now. To understand their state of confusion, you must think of your husband or wife as Nemo, the clown fish in the Disney movie. Bold, daring and confident but swept
away because they didn't know the difference between reason and risk.
Right now,
you're acting as Nemo's father who was worried and over protective of him. Now pay attention because this is a very important point: being over protective drives confused people away.
Do you want to get logic and reason out of your spouse? You CAN…but
only for an hour or so. After that, it will be some new story, a new mood, a different way to recall the past, or a new interest.
Such is the life of people who do not search for the real truth, but instead search for what feels good at the moment. One thing is certain…chasing what "feels good" inevitably ends
in a sorry mess.
And that is exactly what you're trying to avoid. But to avoid a sorry mess, your spouse must WAKE UP! He or she must realize what divorce is really going to do to the kids and they must admit their actions are morally wrong.
I've
written an article on the effects of divorce on children that will help you understand what happens to children of divorce.
Chances are that your spouse is not going to admit their actions are wrong because
they're too caught up with what feels good right now. He or she is leaving the marriage and your instinctive actions will
drive him or her away even FASTER.
So where does that leave you?
I work with many men and women who are faced with a spouse who is running away from the marriage. Some of them
ask me to speak to their spouse but I almost always decline. Why? Because it makes very little sense for me to speak them
in the condition they're in.
This "condition" consists of the spouse using vague
words and phrases that demonstrate how very unaware they are of their own motives for what they do. These fleeing spouses do not want to look at hard rights and wrongs, morality
or self analysis. They are NOT open to new ideas, new ways of thinking and they don't like anyone asking them questions!
I find that spouses who are running
away from their marriage are in three main groups:
Group 1) The Dreamy: This is
a person who seeks romance, adventure and an exciting new life. They believe their spouse is holding them back.
Group 2) The Angry: This type of spouse seeks revenge and cannot calm down because their spouse ignites even more vengeance which they cannot control for any amount of reason.
Group 3) The Affair: In this group, the spouse has met
their romantic match who fills them with feelings of love and acceptance while their marriage partner of years leaves them feeling empty.
No matter which group your husband or wife falls into, as the spouse who wants to make this marriage work, the
only thing you can control right now is the environment. By environment, I mean the best vibe, the most secure feeling, the most self confident "aura" you can. In other words, create an environment your spouse will enjoy.
But
here's the BIG mistake most people make when trying to keep their marriage together...
Let's
say your spouse took off for a couple days to stay at a friend or family member's house. This leaves you feeling worried,
hopeless and even more desperate and stressed out than before. When your spouse returns, you're so angry and frustrated that you simply "lose it" and ridicule them for the decisions your husband/wife has made thus far.
Here's what's wrong with doing this...
- Guilting your spouse into
staying will NOT make them come home to you.
- Begging or pleading for them to stay
will NOT work either.
- Telling your spouse you love them will NOT change their mind.
Changing their environment, however, may not change their mind completely, but it at least sets the stage for an open and honest discussion.
You'd be surprised how much of a difference you'll see when you act
on this advice.
The goal is not to end your troubles as quickly as possible. The goal is to learn from your trouble as long as it lasts. When your focus is on learning from your mistakes, you will not be torn
with the simple and superficial goal of "trying to get back to happy".
Everyday you're not happy and you dwell on those negative feelings and become more torn up inside. Instead of torturing yourself with these feelings, ask yourself "What am I learning from this experience and how can I prevent it from happening in the future? What is this
experience teaching me today?" Keep a journal and answer these questions everyday. You'll be surprised what you learn as you
write.
Author's Bio: Has your spouse already crossed the "Point of No Return"? Larry Bilotta can answer this question whether
you’re looking to save the marriage alone or not. Get guidance and insight into your specific situation and challenges
from Larry here: Save the Marriage Alone
source site: click here
In this article:
Exposing the problem of Relational Dependency.
Examining the unhealthy attachment style of a controlling person.
The Obsessive Love Wheel as part of Obsessive Relational Progression.
Summary: Working towards change.
Dan has a problem. "I just got dumped again", he admits
with a hint of embarrassment in his voice. "He accused me of smothering her to death and claimed that I had become too controlling. I'm not sure what happened to be honest with you, because I treated her so well. It seems like all of my relationships end up this way and frankly, I'm getting sick
of it."
Mike reports a slightly different problem.
"I've been dating this guy for about three months and I am about ready to pull the plug on the relationship. I hate doing it, but what else can I do? He makes me account for every moment of my time and I'm starting to feel trapped," he explains.
"The phone rings half a dozen times each day and it's
always him, calling to harass me about my daily activities and then laying on a guilt trip for not showing her enough attention. I feel like I don't have a life anymore because she monopolizes all of my time."
Can you relate? If so, you are not alone. Dan and Mike’s problem points to the hidden frustration of countless people who have discovered that being in a relationship means living in hell. At some point, all of us experience
a certain amount of anxiety with the person we are romantically involved with and it's only natural to expect accountability.
But if she's telling you that "you are a control freak" or if you have been made to feel as if though a chain has been placed around your neck, then there might be a more
serious problem at hand called Relational Dependency (RD).
Simply put, relational dependency is part of an overall
process by which an individual develops an unhealthy attachment to his or her relationship. This means that for some people, there is a misguided need to be romantically involved with another in order to experience self-validation. What's more, RD people subconsciously believe that by using controlling, manipulative behaviors, they can somehow trap love.
Affecting both men and women equally, RD is a problem that is progressive in nature, meaning that as the
relationship continues, the controlling behaviors worsen. At the core of this quandary is a fear of abandonment, with the clues to this phenomenon that can be traced to a person's attachment style. If left unchecked, the controlling behaviors can escalate, eventually spiraling out of control and causing great misery for both parties involved.
So how do you know
if you or your partner is suffering from this affliction?
By examining a process called Obsessive Relational
Progression (ORP), which is a specific style of attachment for relationally dependent people, it may be possible to recognize the symptoms.
Take a look at the Obsessive Love Wheel,
representing the four phases of ORP. It is called a wheel because it is always turning, round and round as the relationship
continues. Sometimes the wheel turns quickly, other times slowly, but it is always turning and always painful. While examining
the wheel, look for any patterns of behavior over the course your relationship(s) and ask yourself: "Do either I or the person
I am involved with behave this way?"
The Obsessive Love Wheel
Phase
One: The Attraction Phase
The initial phase of ORP is characterized by an instantaneous
and overwhelming attraction to another person. It is at this point the relationally dependent person becomes "hooked" on a romantic interest,
usually resulting from the slightest bit of attention from the person they are attracted to. Phase One ORP behaviors can include:
- An instant attraction to romantic interest, usually occurring within the first few minutes
of meeting.
- An immediate urge to rush into a relationship - regardless of compatibility.
- Becoming "hooked on the look" of another, focusing on the person's physical characteristics
while ignoring personality differences.
- Unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with a love interest, assigning "magical" qualities to an object of affection
- The beginnings of obsessive, controlling behaviors begin to manifest.
Phase Two: The Anxious Phase
This phase in considered a relational turning
point, which usually occurs after a commitment has been made between both parties. Sometimes however, the relationally dependent person will enter into this phase without
the presence of a commitment. This happens when the afflicted person creates the illusion of intimacy, regardless of the other person's true feelings.
The second phase of ORP behaviors can include:
- Unfounded thoughts of infidelity on the part of a partner and demanding accountability for normal daily activities.
- An overwhelming fear of abandonment, including baseless thoughts of a partner walking out on the relationship in favor of another person.
- The need to constantly be in contact with a love interest via phone, email or in person.
- Strong feelings of mistrust begin to emerge, causing depression, resentment and relational tension.
- The continuation and escalation of obsessive, controlling behaviors.
Phase Three: The Obsessive Phase
This particular phase represents the rapid escalation
of this unhealthy attachment style. It is at this point that obsessive, controlling behaviors reach critical mass, ultimately overwhelming the RD person's life. It is also at this point that the person being controlled begins to pull back and ultimately, severs the relationship.
In short, Phase Three is characterized by a total loss
of control on the part of the RD person, resulting from extreme anxiety. Usually, the following characteristics are apparent during the third phase of ORP:
- The onset of "tunnel vision," meaning that the relationally dependent person cannot
stop thinking about a love interest and required his or her constant attention.
- Neurotic, compulsive behaviors, including rapid telephone calls to love interest's place of residence or workplace.
- Unfounded accusations of "cheating" due to extreme anxiety.
- "Drive-bys" around a love interest's home or place of employment, with the goal of assuring that the person is at where "he or she is supposed to be."
- Physical or electronic monitoring activities, following a love interest's whereabouts throughout the course of a day to discover daily activities.
- Extreme control tactics, including questioning a love interest's commitment to the relationship (guilt trips) with the goal of manipulating a love interest into providing more attention.
Phase Four: The Destructive Phase
This is the final phase of Obsessive Relational Progression.
It represents the destruction of the relationship, due to phase three behaviors, which have caused a love interest to understandably flee.
For a variety of reasons, this is considered the most
dangerous of the four phases, because the RD person suddenly plummets into a deep depression due to the collapse of the relationship. Here are some of the more common behaviors that are exhibited during phase four
of ORP:
- Overwhelming feelings of depression (feeling "empty" inside).
- A sudden loss of self-esteem, due to the collapse of the relationship.
- Extreme feelings of self-blame and at times, self-hatred.
- Anger, rage and a desire to seek revenge against a love interest for breaking off the relationship.
- Denial that the relationship has ended and attempting to "win a loved one back" by making promises to "change".
- The use of drugs, alcohol, food or sex to "medicate" the emotional pain.
Summary
Sadly for most people who suffer from RD, the only way they can get off their chaotic wheel is by jumping onto a new one, causing
the cycle of control to repeat itself in a new relationship. If what you have read speaks to your situation or the person you are involved with,
then it may be time for help. There are specific reasons behind the affliction of RD, which can generally be traced to a person's
past. Consider speaking with professional trained in the field of relationships, such as a mental health counselor or family and marriage therapist.
Relational Dependency is treatable but only when there is an acknowledgment that a problem exists. Bear in mind that changing controlling behaviors takes time and progress should not be expected to occur over night. By reaching out for support, the relationally dependent person is really reaching in.
Author's Bio: John D. Moore is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and certified addictions specialist. He is
the author of Confusing Love with Obsession: When Being in Love Means Being in Control. He is a professor of health sciences
at American Military University, instructing a variety of courses related to human behavior, including interpersonal communications
“Dubbed Love 101” by students. A native of Chicago, he lives on the city’s North Side.
source site: click here
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click here to visit my new page, "Sharing my experiences and thoughts with you..." and my thoughts concerning
feeling empty!
How Can I Cope With an Empty Nest?
With my kids gone, how do I cope with an empty
house?
Dealing
with an empty nest isn't easy, but by finding support & fulfillment in other areas of your life, you can do it.
So-called empty-nest syndrome is usually associated with parents who have invested their emotion & self-esteem in raising children & who have few interests or activities outside the home. (Working mothers
& fathers, however, aren't immune.) Most parents have a wide range of reactions to their children leaving home,
from a deep sense of loss to an exhilarating feeling of freedom, or some of both.
For many parents in your position,
a supportive partner can make a big difference. This is a good time to pursue interests that involve just the two of you, whether
it's dance lessons or fly-fishing. If you're single, do you have a close friend you can talk with?
For some people, a support group can be very helpful. Your family doctor might be able to refer you, or try logging on to support-group.com. The web site family.org is also a good resource: Search under the term "empty
nest." You may also be interested in the book And Suddenly They're Gone: What Parents Need to Know About the Empty
Nest, by Patricia S. Olson.
The bottom line is this: You're
entering a new phase of life & such transitions are often difficult. Life will be different without children in the house
- perhaps a little lonelier at first. Now's the time to begin exploring new ways of feeling involved, productive & creative outside the home.
How about looking into some volunteer work, or joining a book club or a neighborhood group? If you have friends facing the same transition, band together! With your
new-found time, you can take day trips to the country or linger at a museum - treats your teenage children might not have
enjoyed.
If none of these ideas appeal
to you & you still feel unbearably sad, you may need to take a little self-inventory. Have you noticed a big change lately in your energy, appetite, weight, or sleep? If you answered yes to one or more of these, it would be wise to see a doctor or therapist to make sure you aren't clinically depressed.
More likely, you are simply
experiencing some anticipatory grief. Find solace in family & friends to get thru the transition. And remember, some parents find these years to be among
the best. After all, now you're mature enough to know what you really like & you finally have the time to pursue those
pleasures.
Empty
Nest or Emptiness? Probably Both
"It’s a big house.
I never realized how big it was until it was empty."
Those might be
Mom’s thoughts as she sits alone drinking a morning coffee, contemplating her day. Her youngest child has gone away to college or has left home to wed or
start a career. Mom is left with no job & a feeling of no longer being of value.
While well-meaning
friends might try to tell her that she should be thrilled that her job as chief, cook & bottle-washer is over, she's still
left with an empty feeling that no one needs her anymore. Others will insist that the end of her child rearing duties carries with it a variety of positive benefits.
But those well-intentioned people would be missing the point.
Adapting to change is the most difficult of all human endeavors. It's the reason why so many people find it difficult to carry thru on new regimes,
whether they relate to diet, to exercise, or to psychological reactions to new circumstances.
Faced with a major life change, most of us will revert to the ideas & beliefs we have practiced over our lifetimes. Mom is liable to isolate or to act strong; in either case covering up her feelings & trying to be brave in the face of a complete overhaul of her routines.
The 3rd highest cause of adult male death is retirement, but you'll never see that on a death certificate. It stands
to reason that the breaking of a lifelong habit of going to work, with all of its routines, could cause major distress to a person’s health & well-being.
Mom is no different.
When a 20 to 30 year habit of full-time planning & activities & care giving has ended, there are bound to be emotional
consequences which can often have physiological complications. There are no stats to indicate that heart attack rates skyrocket
for empty-nest moms, but anecdotal evidence indicates that any number of emotional &
physical problems accompany the ending of active day-to-day motherhood.
Lest it go unnoticed,
working moms are also subject to the range of emotions that attach to empty nests. Oh & dads too.
As friends, family,
co-workers & just folks, we must remember not to dismiss or diminish the emotions about which empty-nesters want & need to talk. Listen to them - listen with your heart, not your head. Hear them, don't fix them; they're not broken, they're only honest.
very important additional resources....
Parents' empty-nest emotions can be eased
Reuters Health
Monday,
September 4, 2006
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - For
parents of college freshmen, this time of year can be unsettling, even traumatic, as their sons or daughters leave
home.
"Parents can expect some transition & a range of emotions regardless of which child is going off to college," Mark Thompson, director of Colgate Univ.'s Counseling & Psychological
Services in Hamilton, New York told Reuters Health.
"The greatest impact
might be first time around, but for some parents it may be harder the last time around," he warned.
Thompson, himself the parent
of a college undergraduate as well as another soon-to-be first-year student, says there are ways parents can cope with separation anxiety.
"Think ahead about constructive ways to fill the void rather than just suffer thru it," Thompson said. "Form a group of parents
working thru the same issues or take up a new hobby."
Thompson encourages parents to maintain contact & involvement with their freshman "without being so involved that they prevent their daughters
& sons from having the college experience themselves. It's the whole helicopter parenting thing," he said.
Maintaining involvement
is especially important for today's families. "This generation of kids," Thompson explained, "typically is closer with their parents & they identify their parents as best friends & heroes with a far greater frequency than any other
generation that we've had before."
"For today's parents, who
have been so involved with their children, to all of a sudden have no involvement is really unrealistic," Thompson said.
When empty
nesters are feeling particularly lonely, it may help to surf the website of the school's newspaper, Thompson said. "You may feel better knowing what's going on at
your child's school & you'll have fodder for future conversations with your child."
Thompson suggests that parent
& college freshman agree, prior to the drop off at the freshman dorm, how often you'll communicate & how you'll talk.
"Decide - Will you talk by phone, e-mail or instant messaging? Who will call whom? Then reassess once the first semester gets
underway. Is the system working? Are changes needed?"
And what if your
college freshman doesn't call or e-mail at the expected time? "Agree on a backup plan where the parent will call if the freshman hasn't initiated contact by a certain time," Thompson said. Most of all, "don't
panic."
Importantly, Thompson said,
when your college coed comes home for school break, "expect to see change because the child you send off will not be the one that returns & shouldn't be."
"As hard as it may be, parents
need to remember that we want them to come home independent, self sufficient & confident, not needing our help on the one hand yet knowing when to ask for help
when they need it."
It's also important to negotiate the school break ahead of time, Thompson said. Realize that freshman will want to spend time with friends &
they keep "very different time schedules than parents do - out to all hours of the night & sleeping till midday."
"It's okay to say, I know
these are the hours you may keep at school but could we find a happy medium while you're at home visiting," Thompson said.
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Miscarriage:
So Terribly Empty
It was 6 years since my last
miscarriage. After all that time I had given up on trying & resigned myself to mothering my 2 growing sons & running
my home business. As I watched friends enjoying their new babies I hardened my heart, convinced that phase of my life was
over.
Then New Year's Eve - a strange feeling - a wondering - could it be? Within a few days I knew it was true - I was pregnant! In a matter of days, maybe even hours,
I went from the terror of how was I going to cope, how to fit another child into my busy life, to the terror of losing this precious, most-wanted & already-loved baby! I'd had 4 previous miscarriages & yet I couldn't hold
myself back from this baby.
For 7 weeks I held this precious
secret inside of me, not ready to share it with the world. I knew the risks - 1 of every 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage.
I knew the precautions - but nothing will stop a miscarriage if it's meant to be. Often the baby is 2 weeks dead before it
is passed.
Still, when the familiar spotting
began I went to bed & hoped. I bargained & pleaded & told my baby how much it was wanted. I had blood tests & false hopes, but after a week & a half of spotting I ended up with an emergency D&C for an incomplete miscarriage. The doctor
assured me this was necessary to prevent infection from remaining tissue . . . but it meant the final end to my baby. I wasn't
ready to let go!
Most people don't deal well
with loss & their words of comfort are often painful to the parents. Telling them they can always have another baby doesn't acknowledge the importance of the baby just lost. Feeling of loss, grief, even anger must be validated & acknowledged.
I was surprised by the overwhelming emotions I experienced this time. I had buried most of my emotions after the 4 previous miscarriages, only to have them resurface in less obvious ways. I decided this time I would consciously
work thru my grief & it was difficult. I felt a great deal of anger towards doctors & nurses, unsympathetic friends, even some sympathetic ones. But mainly I
felt betrayed by my own body - so terribly empty & alone.
Although it seems like forever,
waiting thru at least 3 menstrual cycles gives your body time to strengthen & heal, before trying for a new pregnancy.
There is less chance of repeating the miscarriage & it gives time to resolve the grief. My first miscarriage happened 15 years ago, yet I still remember every detail. It does stop hurting so much - & having a successful pregnancy is very healing, if you have worked thru your grief first.
Some things that can help
are -
- talking to others who have experienced pregnancy loss
- reading books on miscarriage & grief
- joining a support group
- keeping a journal
- creating some memorial for your little
one
- accepting your emotions as valid & important
Babies can be named at any
stage of pregnancy; you could write a letter to your baby, or a poem about your feelings. You could collect memorabilia of your pregnancy, make a donation in your baby's memory, or have a memorial service &/or
funeral for the baby's remains.
Time
doesn't heal, but it does provide distance from the loss. The support & caring of friends & family are the true factors in healing after pregnancy loss.
I speak to people everyday about the importance of emotions and feelings in our daily life. Most of them are completely numbed and all they can do is nod their head while reading my
words or simply sigh when I’m finished speaking. They’re knee deep in symptoms of mental illness; depression or
an anxiety disorder, or both. They have poor eating habits, never relax and never exercise. Most of them hate their jobs,
are struggling to make ends meet and have a distant marriage relationship. Over half are victims of some type of abuse, trauma
or disaster. Most are sleep deprived.
Almost 85% of these people are baby boomers.
Most were parented the same way I was; “If you don’t stop crying I will give you a reason to cry.” “Stop
being angry, sad, miserable, depressed, disappointed or whatever emotion or feeling you’re experiencing – because everything’s fine.” And when you just didn’t pull
yourself together quick enough, you were ordered to pull down your pants for a bare butt spanking over your father’s
knee.
As a child I spent many hours entertaining myself outside or in my bedroom.
We weren’t allowed to watch television but for an hour after dinner and my chores and homework were done. Children were
to be seen and not heard. We sat down for dinner together and if you didn’t clear your plate you had to sit there alone
until it was gone. We ate together but no one dared to say a word because it wasn’t worth aggravating the parents.
In my house, on the kitchen wall, right next to the kitchen table was a small wooden plaque. It
had a doghouse on the right hand side of it with a hook inside the doghouse. On the left hand side were five hooks lined up
next to each other. Each hook had a light brown cocker spaniel dog hanging on it. Each of the dogs had a name of a family
member on it. When my mother or father got mad at us, they would take our dog off its hook and place it on the hook in the
doghouse. This is how we knew we were in trouble. We didn’t even have the advantage of voice intensity or inflection.
I think that people believe that since they never had to think about processing emotions and feelings before that it’s a moot issue now. Having emotions and feelings was considered “bad behavior” as a child. Expressing your likes or dislikes wasn’t a choice.
I didn’t know that people had choices until I was in my late 20’s when I’d already made all the wrong choices.
Another consideration for the baby boomers was that if someone in your family died, you’d
be excluded from the visiting hours and the funeral because it was no place for a child to be. I was the oldest of my generation
and I felt personally violated when my parents wouldn’t let me attend my great grandfather’s funeral when I was
in the 4th grade. I was told to stay with the cousins and they would save me some finger sandwiches.
If you think back to all the experiences that really stuck out boldly in your lifetime, can you remember how
you felt or what emotions were brought forth in response to the experiences? Do you remember being continually humiliated by adults when you were a
child? Did food fix everything for you? Can you remember getting hurt badly, but were afraid to tell your parents because
they would see you crying and you’d get in trouble?
Do you remember wanting to be held and rocked and soothed as a child,
but you had to be outside because children that had nothing to do had to go outside or get more chores to do inside?
All the emotions and feelings you’ve experienced since the day you were born didn’t
magically disappear into thin air. They’ve been housed inside you, deep inside you. There are layers and layers of unresolved
emotions and feelings inside of you that want to get out. They want their due time to be processed. They want you to feel them, sit
with them a while and finally be recognized.
Bringing back old memories is a full
time project. When you are experiencing a personal growth journey or recovery journey it’s essential to go back as far
as you can remember with an empty notebook and a pencil to record as much of your history
as you can remember. Just like a resume you can start a time line and then once you’ve got it straight in your mind
and on the computer, you can write it in your journal leaving lots of space to work on emotions and feelings that need to be pulled out from within.
This is slow and honest work.
There’s no fooling yourself. The first promise you must make to yourself is that you will be honest, true to yourself
and take all the time you need for the exercise. If you’re already in counseling, it’s a great time to discuss
the feelings and emotions you are beginning to recognize.
After you remember the experience, i.e., my great
grandfather’s death; I ask myself what I feel about it. Can I remember how I felt? How do I feel about it now? Sitting
alone and in quiet where no one can disturb this very delicate process is important. Don’t frustrate yourself by trying
to do this exercise while your kids or husband or other responsibilities need your attention.
Sit
and think about it. Do some relaxation breathing. Close your eyes. The next step is to identify what you were feeling
or what you are feeling in the present moment. What emotion or feeling is it? Do you know? Once you think you do know, write
it in your journal with the corresponding experience. Then just sit with it. Let the feeling surround you, flow through you,
breathe it in and exhale it out. Let it dance – celebrating its release from within you. You may want to keep this emotion
or feeling with you for a while and that’s okay!
When you’ve thought about it,
felt it and feel done with it; just let it go. That’s processing and resolving an emotion or feeling. While you’re working with the emotions and feelings, you can take notes in your journal. This is what I did. I researched articles about that emotion or feeling and similar situations that caused me to feel that emotion. As I learned more about the emotion or feeling, I kept notes on them all. Sometimes a certain emotion or feeling would trigger another emotion or feeling. I noted this as well.
Oh! This will take you forever to complete! I
can see your faces now! Woe is me, I’ll just forget about it! Well, that is your choice. You can continue to be miserable
if you want to. If you want to discover who you really are and grow as a person, recover from whatever is hurting you…
you’ll do it. You’ll not only do it, you’ll love doing it. You’ll be happy to do it. You’ll
get happier with each emotion and feeling you resolve. You’ll feel lighter and you’ll remember more things that you’ve forgotten.
Think about this very carefully before you dismiss it. Visit my network of sites and re-consider
taking a personal growth journey starting with resolving those emotions and feelings that are stuck inside of you causing you pain.
Author's Bio: Kathleen Howe has been working with those searching
on the Internet and in the community for help in recovering from life dysfunctions, mental health issues, eating disorders,
emotion & feeling work and past abuse resolution. She has developed a network of 28+ websites: the emotional feelings
network of sites for those interested in a self help journey in personal growth and recovery.
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