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welcome to the emotional feelings network!

A not for profit network of self-help websites.

Welcome! I hope I can help you find what you're looking for! Anytime you see an underlined word in a different color you're being offered an opportunity to learn more than what you came here for. It's important to understand the true meanings of your emotions and feelings as well as many other topics that are within this network. This entire network is set up to help those who want to help themselves find a sense of peace in their lives - discover who resides within and recover from whatever life has dealt you. Clicking on the underlined link words will open a new window so whatever page you began on will remain waiting for you to get back to it!

 

If you can't find what you're looking for here, scroll down to see an entire menu of what is offered within the emotional feelings network of sites! 

 

kathleen

remembering september eleventh
forever free: remembering september eleventh
forever & always

Your dictionary definition of:

en·cour·age   

tr.v. en·cour·aged, en·cour·ag·ing, en·cour·ag·es

  1. To inspire with hope, courage, or confidence; hearten.
  2. To give support to; foster: policies designed to encourage private investment.
  3. To stimulate; spur: burning the field to encourage new plant growth.

 

"Whether or not we realize it each of us has within us the ability to set some kind of example for people.

 

Knowing this would you rather be the one known for being the one who encouraged others, or the one who inadvertently discouraged those around you?"

 

Josh Hinds

visit nurture 101! The info there is so important!

 
There's a new site in the network! I am almost finished completing each page, but I can't wait anymore to tell you all about it! Please pay it a visit soon! It's an important topic!
 

I am absolutely sincere in my invitation to send me an e-mail. If you'd like to vent - share your history - feel validated, make a new friend or just ask a question... I'm here and will always answer! kathleen

 
 
 
 
read my personal blog about living with emotional feelings!
 
 
and you can help support me in my writing ventures by visiting my health and happiness column for the Dayton, Ohio area by clicking here! Even though you don't live in the Dayton area you can get some great health and happiness ideas by reading my column and then looking for something similar in your area!
 
I do appreciate you so much!

click the underlined link to send me an e-mail!

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Praise is Good Encouragement is Better

Several years ago, I was addressing a parent group in a large Midwestern city. I was speaking about self-esteem and providing the audience with strategies to boost kids self-concept.

The overwhelming majority of the attendees were responding very positively to the message but one Dad wasn't buying what I was selling. He grumbled under his breath, "Kids oughta' toughen up. We praise 'em too much."

Wow, I thought. How can you possibly praise a kid too much? There's no such thing as too much praise! Kids especially kids with learning disabilities - need constant and consistent praise in order to feel good about themselves!

Well, although I don't agree with the gentleman from the audience, I have recently changed my mind a bit in regard to praise.

In countless special education classrooms, I've seen teachers heap bucketsful of praise on kids and yet these kids still have shaky self-concepts and low self-esteem.

Based on these observations, praise in and of itself isn't enough to create and maintain positive self-esteem.

Praise doesn't have the desired effect unless it's done properly and it doesn't work all the time.

As parents and teachers, we need to use praise appropriately and sparingly. If not, kids begin to view praise as nothing more than white noise (e.g., Way to breathe, Johnny, Nice job walking, Sally.)

They become so accustomed to a consistent bombardment of praise that it becomes meaningless and ineffectual for them.

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In order to be effective, praise should be:

  • Contingent There must be a solid, realistic reason to praise the child. The comment should respond directly to a behavior that reflects a childs improvement, accomplishment, or effort.

  • Sincere Kids can recognize phony praise in an instant. This insincere praise is ineffective and causes the child to feel minimized and patronized.

  • Creative Find unique ways to give praise! Leave a nice note in his lunchbox, tape a note to his mirror, tell another significant other about the childs progress and ask that she deliver the praise message.

But is there a down side to praise? Yes, there is. Praise can be an effective vehicle to improve self-esteem but there is a strategy that is even more effective. That technique involves the use of encouragement.

Dr. Rudolph Dreikur, noted child psychologist, once said -

 that a child needs encouragement like a plant needs sun and water.

This strategy can have a significant and lasting impact upon the child's view of himself.

Praise and encouragement are positive, effective and beneficial strategies to use with kids. Both of these techniques can:

But there are distinct and significant differences between praise and encouragement. Lets take a moment to examine these distinctions.

  • Praise is a reward that must be earned (Way to go, Daniel. You got a 90 on that spelling quiz.). Encouragement is a gift (I'm glad to see you trying so hard, Sean!).
  • Praise uses words that judge (You got 20 questions right, Taylor. That is terrific!).
  • Encouragement uses words that notice (I was so happy to see you arrive on time for class & be in such a great mood!).
  • Praise promotes competition (Jilly, you got the best grade in the class!). Encouragement promotes cooperation (Zack, keep trying! You're getting better all the time!).
  • Praise reflects contingent acceptance (Shannon, I love it when you keep your room so clean!). Encouragement reflects unconditional acceptance (Kendall, I love being around you!).
  • Praise teaches the child to please the adult (Heidi, you did a great job on the dishes tonight. Mom is very happy with you.). Encouragement teaches the child to please himself (Abby, I noticed how helpful you were at Grandmas today. You should be very proud of yourself.).
  • Praise can only be given when the child is successful (Adam, you did great on the spelling test.). Encouragement can be given when the child is experiencing failure or frustration (Shane, you've really been trying on these word problems. Keep it up!).

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an encouraging hug is always welcome!

As you can see, praise can become addicting and can cause the child to seek extrinsic (outside) motivation.

On the other hand, encouragement is less likely to become addicting and it promotes intrinsic (internal) motivation. Basically, praise works but encouragement works better!

Now, what if I were to tell you that there exists a 3rd strategy that can be more effective than praise or encouragement?! Well, there is!

I learned this strategy from Joe Williams, the Board Chair of the school that I used to head on Cape Cod. Joe was an extraordinarily bright and gifted individual.

His people skills were unparalleled and he was loved, admired, respected and revered by all who know him. I so enjoyed watching and learning from his interactions with others.

Whenever my secretary would call my office to tell me that Joe was on the line, I'd light up. I so enjoyed speaking with him on the phone.

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One day, I tried to analyze the reason that his calls were so enjoyable for me. After this analysis, I came to understand! Joe provided me with lots of praise (The Board minutes were great last week, Rick.).

He also gave me lots of encouragement (I was glad to see you at the kids softball game. That was great that you took the time to come.) But perhaps most importantly Joe always showed great interest in me, my family, my activities and my life. He consistently demonstrated his interest in me as a person.

Whenever Joe called me, he obviously had school business to conduct. But he began every call by inquiring about my kids, my wife, or my activities. He was interested in me. And I loved it.

Once I realized the power of interest, I began using the strategy to build and maintain relationships with kids and staff. I remember running into a young teacher one day on campus. We stopped to talk for a moment.

Taking a page from Joe's book, I didn't praise or encourage her. Instead, I showed a genuine interest in her. I saw your new car in the parking lot, Sasha. What a great color. Where did you get it?

The young teachers face lit up! The school Director noticed her prized new car and took the time to mention it to her. Wow! That interaction was more meaningful to her than any praise or reinforcement I could have given her! Great!

The lesson? As teachers and parents we can give kids a great gift by expressing a genuine interest in their lives. (New jacket, Billy? I love it! or, I understand that your Dad is a firefighter. Did you know that my father was a firefighter, too?). Try it. It works.

So, the invaluable troika of self-esteem consists of praise, encouragement and interest. Use these strategies generously with kids. They need it.

When dealing with kids who struggle in school, we need to be ever mindful of their self-esteem.

We must continually remind ourselves that our small acts of kindness can make a genuine and lasting impact on them & their lives.

Special education isn't about breakthroughs and miracles. Rather, it's about small victories. These small victories build upon each other and eventually become major victories.

Early in my career, I had a 7 year old tutorial student named Jordi. He maintained a daily diary for me as part of his language arts class.

Each day, at the beginning of class, he'd take his journal and write a sentence or two about his activities from the previous day. He rushed, breathless, into my class one day.

Gimme the journal, Mr. Lavoie, I gotta write something great from yesterday.

He wrote in the notebook and handed it to me. I put it in my briefcase. That evening, as I corrected that days papers, I read the journal entry for the first time. I tore the page out, framed it and it's hung in my office for 30 years.
 
Jordi's entry is a constant reminder of the small victories that constitute our mission as teachers and parents.

Jordi wrote:

From the mouths of babes

With every good wish,

Rick

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Do I Encourage Dependency On Myself That Meets My Need To Be Loved?



Of all the goals and responsibilities we have as parents to our kids, few are more important than the task of shaping, influencing and designing them to have a spirit of independence and self-reliance. This spirit of self-sufficiency shouldn't be mistaken for teaching them to not need others, but rather, to have the capacity to take care of themselves and to solve problems, so their survival and growth aren't left to the responsibility of others. Most of us would in theory agree with this notion.
 
But in practice, many of us may at times fall into some patterns that could encourage them to remain dependent on us. Rather than parenting in a way that broadens and strengthens them so they gradually need us less, we may at times actually encourage their reliance upon us. Most often, it's subtle and not consciously intended to discourage their independence. Of course we want our kids to be independent, self-reliant and capable of taking care of themselves!

The problem arises when we confuse or equate being needed with being loved. If you don't have difficulty with this, then you might be surprised to know just how many parents do. Parents who consistently view being needed as an indication of their also being loved will understandably resist the task of designing kids who are independent.
 
After all, if being needed really does mean that we're loved and without being needed, we aren't, then why would any of us want to raise our kids to be independent?

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When parents see being needed and being loved as the same, it may be a sign of low self-esteem. If a parent struggles with their own self-worth, then it's understandable that they might then become motivated by their desire to be loved - to feel okay about themselves - rather than by the need to raise and design independent kids.
 
The reasoning goes something like this: "If I want Jeremy to love me, then he'd better need me. Otherwise, what reason would he have for loving me?" This parent's fear and concern is that he or she has little to offer and little to base being loved on, except that he or she is needed.
 
The belief, either consciously or otherwise, is, "I'm not lovable or acceptable for who I am unless I earn it by taking care of others. Now that I have kids, I can establish my self-worth by taking care of them and creating a dependence upon myself. Surely, if they need me, they'll love me".

Confusing being needed with being loved might not necessarily stem from a life-long problem with low self-esteem in a parent. In fact, it's possible that a parent may have always had a good and healthy self-concept until a current situation or event occurs that alters that otherwise healthy self-image.
 
A good example of such a situation or event in life that can impact a parent's self-worth is a poor, unsatisfying marriage relationship, or a divorce.

When divorce or a poor marriage relationship occurs - especially when one or both parents feel rejected, abandoned and otherwise more leavable than lovable - it's easy to develop this pattern of dependency in the kids.
 
Since the love that the rejected parent wants and needs isn't forth coming from the spouse, then the natural tendency is to look to the kids to meet that need to feel needed, loved and relevant. "If my kids need me, then they'll keep loving me and I'll be less likely to lose them too.
 
If my kids keep needing me, then they'll keep loving me and that'll make up for the love I'm not able to get from my marriage. Surely, someone out there loves (needs) me!"

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Divorce and an unsatisfying marriage relationship are just two of the many unfortunate scenarios that can lead to encouraging unhealthy dependence upon ourselves. There are many other circumstances in which the pattern develops. Suffice it to say, that whatever the reasons, creating undue reliance on us, rather than independence, can create problems for our kids now and in their adult lives as well.

There are a number of unfortunate consequences that can arise when we consistently encourage dependence in order to shore up our need to be loved. Surprisingly, the most common result is a child who grows up angry toward Mom and Dad for allowing and encouraging their dependence and reliance. Sadly, the very efforts to gain their love by creating a dependence on us may turn out to have the opposite affect.

Dependent people are almost always angry people. The anger that results from dependence may not always come out in the form of anger, but is nonetheless a common companion to dependence. It may come out in other ways such as passivity, impatience, irresponsibility, or some other hostile form of, "I'll show you!"
 
This is because they've been robbed of self-reliance, a basic human need that also affects the foundation for self-esteem. We have all heard the cry from confused, perhaps well meaning parents, "How can my kids be so angry at me, after all I've done for them?!".

Raising great kids who like themselves and in turn are capable of liking others as well, requires that we start from the beginning of their lives to instill within them a sense of independence and self-reliance that's appropriate to their age. From the very moment they're able to walk, we must begin allowing them to do for themselves.
 
To do so doesn't mean that we're lazy, don't love them, or that we aren't available to help, assist and to guide. In fact, it usually takes more time and energy to help, assist and to guide than it would take if we were simply to do the job for them ourselves.

It isn't our goal to raise kids who don't need others. Certainly, having a healthy need for others is the basis for relationships and it's true that "no man is an island." But it's essential to their health and well-being that our kids grow up to be adults who are able primarily to take care of themselves.
 
If we parents are constantly there to do for them what they should be able to do for themselves (and all for the sake of meeting our needs to be loved by them), then it's likely that the result will be kids - eventually adults - who are unable to do for themselves and who are angry at us and the world, because they can't.

It's an awesome, but exciting task indeed!

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click here to visit my new page: "Sharing my experiences with you..." to read my thoughts on encouraging our children to be self sufficient and self reliant! We, as parents, need to unconditionally love our children, giving them what THEY need and not sacrifice our children's needs for our own benefits.

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Do I Encourage My Kids To Help, Even Though When They Do, It May Make The Task Longer, Or May Not Even Turn Out As Well?

What parent hasn't said, or themselves heard as a child, something similar to, "Let me do it so we won't be here all day", or, "Let me do it so it gets done right", or, "You're making this harder for me. Move out of the way so I can get the job done."

Remember that our young kids have that sponge-like brain that doesn't think and process in the way ours does. Their brain absorbs what it hears, what it sees and what it's told.

It's a safe assumption that if we ask our young kids to help with just about anything, the task will take us longer and quite likely will not turn out quite as good as it would have if we'd just done it ourselves. But our kids aren't a "finished product", but rather, a "product in process."

They're in the process of becoming. We all know that intellectually, but it's easy for us to forget at times. One way we have of helping them in this process is to allow and encourage their participation in tasks and chores that might actually be easier for us to do by ourselves.

There are probably a lot of reasons that it's a good idea to encourage our kids to fumble their way through helping us. Three stand out as most important if one of our goals as parents is to raise great kids.

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First, helping creates competent kids. Older kids who know how to do a lot of things well are the ones who've had many experiences. Helping us and learning through their efforts is one of those important experiences.

Our kids will learn best through doing and being guided and instructed by us through chores and tasks they may not have at first known how to do. There are many ways we human beings learn how to do something. We can read a book, watch someone else, we can learn through instructions or lectures in the classroom.

The best way to learn, though, is thru the "hands on" process of learning thru doing.

Secondly, young kids who grow up to be teenagers who are willing and capable (finally!) of helping, are the kids who've grown accustomed to helping even when, perhaps unknown to them, they really weren't much help at all.

Stated more simply: if you don't let our kids "help" when they aren't really much help at all, then don't expect much from them when they're older and their help is really needed.

I'm reminded of a time when our oldest daughter, Ashley, was in 6th grade. One of her elective classes was one called, "On Your Own". In this class, the students learned a variety of things like finances, cooking and health principles. One day she came home wanting to help make some apple turnovers.

That was okay by her mom, so the process of making the world's best apple turn-over began.

Early on in the process, I could tell that Ashley was taking some "creative freedom" in her efforts. Freedoms like, when the recipe called for one cup of flour, she added "about" a cup. One tablespoon of water became a "splash" of water from the tap. Her mom took the time to explain the importance of being more accurate rather than approximate, but Ashley, being a student in "On Your Own", preferred to be, on her own.

It was very tempting for me to rush in and take over, demanding that we do things my way - the right way - or even declaring that if she couldn't help in the way we wanted her to help, that she wouldn't be allowed to be a part of the process.

Fortunately, my wife had better sense and after explaining the importance of being very accurate in following recipes, she backed off and let Ashley learn through her mistakes. Sure enough, those apple turnovers were a mistake and Ashley learned in a practical way the importance of being precise when following a recipe.

If I had been in charge of that cooking adventure, I would have most likely interfered with her efforts to help and would have insisted that she step aside so we could get the job done right the first time. Today, Ashley is a ready helper and participant when it comes to doing tasks and chores (She also follows recipes in precise fashion).

Her willing spirit came about as a result of many more experiences than the one cited here, but the point of the story is to suggest that our kids need to help even when to do so, may not be that convenient for us. They'll be more likely to learn skills and competence from those trial and error experiences and they'll also learn that they're needed as a team member in their family.

"My teenager never lifts a finger to help around here. All I am is a free meal ticket ". What usually lies behind such a complaint from parents of teenagers, is a little kid who wasn't allowed and encouraged to help when he actually wanted to, but wasn't yet very capable.

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Kids simply don't all of a sudden bloom into helpers. They're trained, encouraged and given opportunities. They're designed to be good helpers by us and our early efforts in letting them help are an investment in them that may not have immediate returns.

In the long run, however, our patience and tolerance will lead to an attitude in them of wanting (well, at least being somewhat willing) to help when finally, they're capable and really needed.

There's a 3rd reason that supports the notion of encouraging our kids to help at an early age. Kids who are a part of accomplishing tasks, chores and projects, grow up with the feeling that they're a significant part of a team.

And because there's this team effort attitude, they feel more needed and that their efforts and contributions matter. Being a part of a family team helps them grow up feeling good about themselves and what they have to offer.

Being a piece of "the big picture" feeds the attitude of significance and importance and this in turn helps us accomplish our goal of raising truly great kids. Without this sense of relevance that comes from helping and being a part of the team, kids have a difficult time believing that they have worth and value.

So, competence, a willing spirit and a sense of significance and importance, are 3 benefits of letting our young kids help, even though it might not be most convenient for us at the time.

In this day and age of "busy-ness," it's easy for us to lose sight of the importance of letting our kids "help" even when, at the time, they really aren't much help at all. So it's important to be reminded that raising great kids who like themselves and believe they have something to offer, is a process of our investing when the returns may not be immediately forth coming.

And this investing in and for their future well-being includes encouraging and allowing their involvement in projects and tasks, even when it may cost us time and maybe even some quality in the completed task.

It's an awesome task, but an exciting one, indeed!

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Is Divorce the Only Answer?
From Pat Gaudette
 

The Divorce Mentality

When I was doing research for a cheating spouse feature it seemed most of the advice, suggestions and even "spy" techniques I found were aimed at gathering evidence that could be used to justify divorce.
 
There was very little encouragement to try to "fix" a marriage in which adultery had occurred even though many marriages that end in divorce due to adultery could have been fixed if a different approach had been taken by the people involved.

There have been several comments on the forum regarding the ease with which so many people end their marriages. We do seem to be a society that quickly disposes of relationships that displease us or even bore us.

The fact is, there are going to be times in any normal marriage in which something our spouse does will displease us. There are going to be times that they will bore us or the tedium of day to day activities will dull the "passion" that we assumed would always burn between us.

It takes maturity to understand that a good marriage will have bad days (and weeks and sometimes even months or years) along with the good days and great days.

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Maturity isn't measured in age, it's measured in how a couple responds to the bad times, the humdrum times, the boring times, that absolutely will occur.

Please note that I said a "good marriage" because I wouldn't consider an abusive marriage, or a marriage to an addict or alcoholic to be "good."

While some of these types of relationships can survive, many shouldn't and they're in need of ending.

It's easy to say "I want a divorce" or "I don't love you anymore" in this era of prenuptials, quickie divorces and do-your-own divorce kits. It's more difficult to say "We have a problem that's putting our marriage in jeopardy - let's work together to stay together."

In some cases, you're the one who wants to save the marriage while your spouse has one foot out the door and is waving bye-bye. In some cases, you're the one who wants out because there's just not enough "foundation" on which to build a strong marriage.

I don't like divorce. It makes nice people into monsters. It puts families into the welfare line. It forces children to grow up faster than they should have to and it teaches them that marriage doesn't have to last forever.

If I could, I'd make it extremely difficult to get married - or at least as difficult to get married as it is to get divorced. I'd absolutely require that couples learn good communication skills before they were issued a marriage license.

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Marriage Skill Counseling

Chip's Advice

If you're still trying to decide whether or not you should get out of your marriage or whether you should try to pull it together, I've pulled some comments from Chip from various threads on the forum. Chip is divorced, although not by choice. He gives excellent advice as you'll see.

Sounds like you guys need some help! Get some joint marriage skill counseling as soon as you can. Some program or someone who will work with you to develop communication, problem resolving, setting joint goals / plans and sticking with them TOGETHER - learning to find the win-win in all issues. Also sounds like you both came into this marriage with a lot of reservations and holding back some of each of you, just in case. That indicates that you probably didn't discuss all you needed to or didn't spend the time completing your healing from the first marriages or preparing for the second.

That's pretty normal by the way (I raise my hand also).

This can still work out - get the positive help you need. You DON'T need to find a counseler that keeps you rehashing all the problems you have with each other - you need one that'll help you prepare for the present and the future. You need to learn and develop those skills (yep! back to school! *grin*). If you're both committed to making this work and getting 'educated' then you should be fine.

Also sounds like you're getting pulled down by all the day to day issues (financial, children, etc) and are losing the focus on your OWN relationships. Make sure you spend time for yourselves. I knew one couple that still went on dates after 2 children. She had him get dressed up and then leave the house so she could prepare. He then arrived in the car at the appointed time, all dressed up with flowers and 'picked her up' for their date. Interesting idea!

If you and your wife can maintain a workable relationship (sounds like you can) than you did the right thing. I applaude you for 'coming to your senses' and shouldering your responsibilities. Adults can mess up each others lives and still live through the pain. Once we have children we are totally responsible for them and it's wrong and harmfull to abdicate that responsibility. Sometimes it is best for the children for the parents to split - sometimes to stay together.

Once we decide to get married we take a VOW - that's far more than just a promise or commitment. It has become so easy to cast that asside just because 'something better' or a few problems come along. A VOW means we do everything in our power to make it work - if after that we still can't make it work then the option of divorce comes in. (I'm not addressing the abuse issues here - that's a whole other situation).

Each of us choses who we are and how we want to feel. If you want to see in your wife someone you can't appreciate or love then YOU made that happen. You also can chose to love and appreciate her. The relationship is YOUR responsibility.

The majority of marriages in the world are arranged marriages - somehow they make them work - the focus is placed on the workabilty and hopefully the journey to love rather than the fantasy "happily ever after" beginning / end that we in the USA seem to have. I don't endorse arranged marriages, just point out that we have the wonderful gift to chose our own partners here.

But once we make that choice we also have the obligation to do everything we can to make the partnership work - and avoid doing those things that harm it. I think you're very blessed that your wife would take another chance on you and that you're again involved with your children on a daily basis.

I'd suggest that you remember why you were attracted to him in the first place and why you love / loved him. Then GO!

Marriage is not a STATE of being (most men treat it as such) but its more like another classification of a relationship that must grow or stagnate and die. We aren't taught all the skills that we need to make a marriage work - to communicate openly and freely, to work toward the win-win outcome in every problem, to be true partners and best friends.

If nothing else, you may have a chance to learn some of the skills that'll help prevent the same problem in your NEXT relationship - if you're lucky you may find that you really have the relationship you wanted, you just both need to nurture it and develop those skills together.

I'll ask you the same question I asked of another - I don't care what the answer is and no judgment implied, this is just for your own consideration.

What is a VOW worth to you? You took a vow when you married him - remember the words? If you chose to opt out now, what does this mean about any future VOW that you take?

Now you have to chose what's best for YOU.

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More of Chip's Advice

I've copied the best forum posts by Chip on various topics. They continue:

I've been in a similar situation to yours. In order for the marriage to work you two will have to get the communication skills necessary for you both to understand each other.

You have different needs and different views on what a 'successful' life is all about. You can co-exist and have a wonderful relationship, but ONLY if the communication between you is active, open and honest. Do some research and find some good couples and individual counseling in your area.

Then talk with your husband about them. Don't approach it like you're trying to 'fix' him. Both of you need your eyes opened and some skills and knowledge in order to make this work. If he really wants this marriage to work then he should be willing to put this effort out.

If he's not willing to put the effort in then you'll have to make some choices. But since you're already married I'd suggest exhausting the options to make it work first. If you don't have children then DON'T have them yet! Children don't fix troubled marriages. Get your relationship where you want it first.

This other guy is just the 'greener grass'. You obviously didn't get to know your husband well enough before you got married. You certainly don't know much about this other guy - for all you know he could be an abuser or cheater. He knows you're married and yet he is still involved with you!!!

What kind of 'friend' is that! Until/unless you chose to end your marriage and the divorce is final DON'T get involved with another man! Take some time and read all the posts about affairs and cheating - none of them are pretty and only complicate the situation. Deal with what you have first!

It's so true that 'being right' or at least the other person 'being wrong' gets so much in the way of true communication and relationship. It's such a difficult concept to accept that maybe BOTH people might be right from their own perspective!

When we can get to the point where we can't only accept ourselves for who we are but also accept another for who they are - with minimal judgment or attempts to change them - everything becomes so much easier!

The focus can then move to how to deal with the problem or miscommunication productively and ignoring whose fault it is. Because in a relationship if there's a problem BOTH people are 100% responsibile for it in their own relationship with the other person.

Besides, it's just too much work to be responsible for another adult who won't accept that we know what's better for them than they do!

When my first marriage broke down (no children) we separated. I wanted us to get back together and was very willing to do whatever it took for us to be together again. She said she loved me, but. We spent the next 3 years separated, seeing each other and having a wonderful time (both agreed!), ending the date with the desire to have another one soon but I would have to call her for a time.

Called her and kept getting put off. This was about a 6-8 week cycle. Finally, I got a great job offer (and a chance for a 'fresh start') in another state. Since she wouldn't commit I filed for divorce and moved away. We met again a couple of years later at a mutual friends wedding. She'd married and had her young baby son with her.

We sat in the back of the church together, I held her son and we held hands. The love was still there, but .....

Sometimes things work out, sometimes you have to get to the point of making your own choice to move on. You have much more on the line with your 2 children. You also have the difficulty of her illness.

I don't think you'll ever REALLY know what the right thing to do is. You'll just have to chose each day what's best for your children and what is best for you. Eventually you'll get to a point where either both you and she come to the same decision or you'll get to the point where you'll have to move on by yourself.

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The Point of No Return
 

And More from Chip

More words of wisdom from Chip:

Each person has a point of no return. If she has reached it and you truely love her then you need to show that love by letting her go. Reading your story she deserves whatever support she can get from you and that may be one of the acts required.

If she hasn't reached the point of no return (although she continues to repeat the same point of 'no more') your 'pursuing' her in the way you are will not help and will probably only hurt more. I'd suggest that you cool it with her. Focus on yourself.

Put yourself in her shoes and identify all the things that caused her pain and work on them. Decide what's best for you - who you want to be and what you want to do. Get help for yourself. Every so often send her an update & tell her that you still love her and are willing to go to joint counseling to explore if the relationship can be rebuilt.

But don't do it in a harrassing or pleading manner. At the least you will come out of this with a better grasp of who you are/want to be and any future relationship will benefit from your efforts. With luck, lots of time and effort she may see the results in your behavior and attitude and may agree to EXPLORE the possibility. You really can't ask for much more.

I agree that children make a BIG difference. If you have children your first responsibility is to do what's right for them.

Assuming no children, here are some of my thoughts (though most would also apply if you have children):

You need to open your eyes wide and look at REALITY! That means you need a good look at yourself and your relationships with those around you. Some things to consider:

What are you and your husband doing about your relationship? Nothing gets solved by hiding from it. Joint and individual counseling are essential. The skills to create and maintain a good partnership must be learned and developed. If both of you are willing to put the effort in then a good, workable marriage is possible.

What does a VOW mean to you? You took one when you got married. If you haven't done everything reasonable to make this work then the vow means nothing. So what does that say about the NEXT vow you take?

You're having an affair - what would prevent you from doing this if married to someone else? What are you going to do to prevent yourself from being in this situation again and again?

This guy you are having an affair with IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED WOMAN he met on the internet. What it the WORLD makes you think that he wouldn't do the same to you if you were married? What does this say about him? What kind of NICE MAN does this?

Most importantly: Who are you? You read like a person who has defined herself by what she does and who she is with. You need to realize that you're TOTALLY responsible for who you are, what you do and what you feel. Nobody can MAKE you do or feel anything. NOTHING in your life is anybody elses fault. You also need to accept yourself for who you are - no regrets, no despair, no fear.

You need to be able to love yourself just as you are or you'll be forever lost. Now that you accept yourself and accept responsibility for yourself you will discover the tremendous power you have. You can chose who you are, what you feel, what you do at any moment.

So..... who are you? what do you want to do with your life? what do you want to feel and experience? Now, make that happen. Do what's right for you. If the relationship with your husband isn't beyond repair (doesn't sound like it is) then it's time to fight for it - as long as you both are willing it's possible.

Some people here have recommended the "Divorce Busters" book. GET HELP! No one can to this alone. If the relationship with your husband is beyond repair, then DON'T jump into another relationship - you'll just end up back where you started for the same reasons, you'll still be lost.

Take time to end the relationship and then take time to get to know yourself and decide who you want to be, do, feel, experience. Once you're comfortable with yourself and feel the power of creation that you have then it's time to move forward with other relationships.

You'll find that you're now in a position to have a true loving, partnership, best friend relationship with someone. And isn't that what we all REALLY want? (I DO!)

Love is a gift that each of us were given that connects us to all other beings. We chose to love someone else (feel that connection), we chose NOT to love someone else (by denying the true basis and meaning of love).

So you can chose to love your husband anytime you wish, or you can chose to deny your husband your love. This is true for anyone you meet. It has really nothing to do with them and everything to do with you. What do you chose?

Thank you, Chip. There is nothing I can add.

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ABSTRACT

Abstract

Systematically recognizing and encouraging the individuality and accomplishments of college students positively impacts individual learning and institutional student retention. Such a formal process should include recognizing individuality, encouraging individual accomplishment and providing opportunities for growth.

Special attention should be paid to the institutional mission, the training of quality leaders and the coordination and education of college employees. This practicum is the blueprint for such a process at Kansas Newman College.

"The ultimate challenge for any instructor is to find ways to ensure success in learning" (Hiemstra & Sisco, 1990, p. 48).

"There is a wide band of potentialities available to us. We can reach the upper or the lower limit. . . . At rare moments, we glimpse the horizons of what could be. . . . Some people make this discovery when . . . they have been complimented and encouraged to do something that they have been convinced they are not capable of doing." (Dichter, 1971, p. 66)

INTRODUCTION

Polly Sawyer believed in a 4th grade student's elementary writing. 22 years later, I still recall her with fondness and respect, as one of the greatest teachers from whom I've had the joy learning. Though I'm not a novelist or a poet, though I don't compose ballads or even jingles, I use my writing daily in my work and in my personal life.

In that writing, I take pride and comfort and identity. It's become one of the best parts of who I am.

Mrs. Sawyer recognized this talent in me when it was still mostly unformed. She prodded me, nurtured me and encouraged me to write more each day. She praised my work and showed to others the pride she had in me. She incorporated creative assignments into my daily routine and she helped me to learn from my progress.

Later, as I grew older, other teachers took over, encouraging me further, pushing me on. But Polly was the first. It was she who took the hardest, smallest of seeds and nurtured it until it sprouted. It was she who fostered my love for writing and it she who I'll never forget.

At 9 years old, I was still a child in my learning. I was uncertain, unfocused and unaware of where the future would lead. At 31 years old, each time I tackle a new learning project, I'm still much the same. To some extent, I still lack confidence, focus and direction.

I still value encouragement and praise. I still thrive on empowerment and recognition. Though these tools aren't so valuable as once they were, they're still crucial to my education.

Now I find my roles have changed. Now it's I who teach and it's I who must encourage, empower and praise. In addition to being a continuing student, my new role is also one of teacher, facilitator and mentor. As I was once amid a community of learners, I'm now amid a community of educators.

This practicum is about teaching and empowering, both as an individual and as a member of an educational community. It's about recognizing and celebrating the individuality and accomplishments of our students and helping them along with encouragement. It's about education at its best.

I became interested in student encouragement when my daily interactions with students became more involved as a result in shifts of my professional responsibilities and philosophies. In my roles as student supervisor, educator, disciplinarian, administrator, counselor and advisor, I began to understand that students actively seek approval.

They need to know they're appreciated when they succeed and regardless of their actions, they need to know that they are valued as individuals.

This practicum will establish a formal process for student empowerment thru encouragement at Kansas Newman College.

The 1st step towards this goal is to examine several important concepts of encouragement.

What is encouragement? How does it connect to other important educational tools? How is it used in business management settings, where much motivation research and application has been conducted?

The 2nd step is to investigate how encouragement interacts with some of Kansas Newman College's highest values: mission, learning and student retention. In addition, it's crucial to evaluate exactly what encouragement strategies are currently used at the institution.

The final step in developing the KNC encouragement process is to develop the program itself. KNC must define its student populations, educate its employees, coordinate its resources and market its encouragement program.

The institution must develop a timeline and articulate the various action steps. Finally, college administrators must seek guidance and support from the front-line employees who already encourage students each day.

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CHAPTER 1. An Introduction to Encouragement

Encouragement Defined

Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (1993) defines "encourage" as "to inspire with courage, spirit or hope; to spur on" (p. 381).

Every day teachers at all levels encourage their students with words of praise, hope, direction and courage. They communicate to students belief in the students' abilities and progress. Teachers help to focus students efforts by rewarding good behavior.

They help to promote high self-esteem by demonstrating pride in the individuality of their students.

There are essentially 3 philosophical approaches to encouragement. First, teachers and leaders encourage specific desired behaviors by rewarding them when they occur in students or followers.

For instance, when a student composes an outstanding piece of music, the teacher may write them a congratulatory note or mention the student in a departmental meeting. James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner (1987), authors of The Leadership Challenge, view this type of encouragement as 1 of 5 essential skills for leaders.

Encouraging the heart, as they term it, includes recognizing individual contributions as well as celebrating accomplishments. According to Kouzes and Posner (1987), "Leaders give heart by visibly recognizing people's contributions to the common vision. . . . Leaders express pride in the accomplishments of their teams" (p. 249). This is one way leaders get extraordinary things done in organizations.

Second, teachers and leaders encourage individuality simply by recognizing the inherent worth in their students or followers. In the music example mentioned above, the teacher may simply praise the student for his or her love of music, regardless of whether the student ever composes another piece.

In On Becoming a Person, Carl Rogers (1961) promotes this concept of unconditional positive regard. He states, "It is an atmosphere which simply demonstrates 'I care': not 'I care for you if you behave thus and so'" (p. 283).

The focus is on the welfare of the student. It's an approach which recognizes the student as an individual, as a "separate person" with his or her own feelings and experiences.

Third, teachers and leaders encourage students by providing opportunities for individual growth. Again, in the music example mentioned above, the teacher may ask the student to perform their piece during a campus recital, or help the student seek publication.

In Servant Leadership, Robert K. Greenleaf (1977) promotes this concept of development. He defines a servant leader as one who places people first, as one whose primary objective is the personal growth and development of the follower.

Leaders lift up those who follow. They share the search for wholeness with the follower; both leader and follower quest for personal development. They provide order, so that followers have structured environments in which to grow.

All 3 of these approaches to encouragement are essential to education.

First, educators must value their students.They must know them, care about them and communicate with them.

Second, educators must focus their students. They must help students discover their own directions and help make the path more visible thru encouraging positive behaviors.

Third, they must provide opportunities for growth and development. They must provide avenues for learning and practice. The strategies proposed in this program address all 3 of these needs. Emphasis is placed on individuality, performance and opportunity.

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Empowerment Defined

Empowerment has become a buzzword throughout the education and business communities. It's taken on many different connotations, yet concise definitions are rare. Perhaps the best one comes from The Role and Contribution of Student Affairs in Involving Colleges (1991) in a chapter written by Elizabeth J. Witt, detailing the efforts of Holyoke College. Holyoke strives to challenge and support its students. "Their common goal is to develop independent students within a nurturing environment.

Therefore, they must be nurturing without fostering dependence and challenging without creating feelings of helplessness and isolation.

In order to take risks, Mount Holyoke students need to feel comfortable - but not too comfortable" (Kuh & Schuh, p. 123). This approach is the essence of empowerment.

An institutional student encouragement program can help meet many of these criteria. By rewarding positive behaviors, students can be taught to take risks. By valuing individuals, students can be taught self-esteem. By providing growth opportunities, students can practice.

The Rest of the Picture

It's important to note that encouragement is simply an educational tool. It isn't so much an area of education as it is a method with which to educate. In regards to both education and to institutional student retention, encouragement is only one small piece.

For instance, the rest of the education picture would include such areas as:

In truth, these areas are all closely related to encouragement and are essential to empowerment.

The rest of the retention picture would include such areas as:

  • financial concerns
  • service provider relationships with students
  • early alert and intervention programs
  • barriers to persistence
  • athletic retention
  • retention data management
  • academic advising
  • academic policies
  • student services
  • peer counseling 
  • telecounseling

Again, most of these relate in one way or another to encouragement and they all represent major components of the institution's student retention effort.

However, though institutional encouragement is only one aspect of education, it's a philosophy which is at the very heart of teaching. Though encouragement is only one small part of the retention program, it's a philosophy which is at the heart of student satisfaction.

Encouragement is simply a tool, but it's a tool of tremendous power.

Research Sources

Most of the research sources for encouragement come from 3 specific areas:

  • education
  • psychology 
  • business

The applicability of educational sources is, of course, rather obvious. The science of learning reveals much about leadership, methodology and focus.

Likewise, psychology resources cover self-esteem, motivation and reinforcement. What's perhaps most surprising is that many valuable encouragement resources are found in common business texts and popular management books.

Therefore, it's appropriate to spend a few words demonstrating how compatible business and education truly are in this regard. Both business and education utilize intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. Both are susceptible to barriers involving family. Both are greatly impacted by the culture of their institution and both have the potential to make excellent use of mentoring relationships.

Individuals in both systems attempt to complete tasks beyond their present abilities and adapt to changes beyond their control. Both populations experience self-esteem changes resulting from their interaction with change and proficiency and both have basic needs for acceptance, identity and encouragement.

In both systems, teaching and learning are central to success.

In fact, recognizing and rewarding employees is somewhat of a popular trend in management at this time. Much literature is available.
 
The most important point is this: learning crosses disciplines. There's much education can learn from business, just as business learns from education.

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CHAPTER TWO. Fundamental Principles of Encouragement

Encouragement Types

At the center of any task humanity undertakes is one factor alone: people.

Resources, vision, technology and time are relevant to the task. Some projects may require millions of dollars, others may require none. Some may require a clearly stated vision, others may involve a different vision for each individual. But the factor which never changes is people.

People are the center of every project. Whether the project involves leaders, followers, spectators or critics, it is dependent upon people for its successful completion. Providing direction and empowerment for people is the aspiration of education. Providing a positive working relationship between the leader and the follower is the measure of successful leadership.

As mentioned earlier, there are 3 basic forms of encouragement relevant to this program:

  • encouraging accomplishment
  • encouraging individuality
  • providing individual growth opportunities

There are numerous strategies for each of these general types available to educators and institutions. It's the use of these strategies which helps to make for a good relationship between the follower and the leader, between the student and teacher.

Following is a summary of each of these 3 main subsets. Many of these strategies are adapted from 1001 Ways to Reward Employees by Rob Nelson (1994).

Strategies for Encouraging Achievement

There are several primary methods a leader may utilize to recognize and reward individual achievements which contribute to success.

1. Perhaps the most powerful of these recognition strategies is the informal "pat on the back." Such tactics might include a "good job" note from the instructor.

2. Increasing the level of communication between teachers and students, as well as communication among students allows them to better identify with the institution and to work together as a team. Suggestion box programs and newsletters are strategies which improve communication.

3. When students are allowed the authority to follow-through on their original ideas and are given the room necessary to complete their assigned tasks, they take more ownership and become more committed to vision.

4. Students who establish an identity with their institution take more pride in their education, are more committed to success. Identity is often established through community building activities, such as picnics and athletics.

5. Formal recognition in the form of a specific pre-conceived award provides the student positive feedback and serves as a social reinforcer. The teacher may present this award in front of the gathered class, thus recognizing outstanding achievement and allowing the student's peers to celebrate his or her success.

6. Some rewards come not in the form of individual recognition, but rather in the form of group recognition. For instance, an instructor may specifically praise a group of students who have completed an outstanding group project.

7. Finally, when students are encouraged to work together in teams, they develop strong working relationships that allow them to learn from each other. Such teamwork may take the guise of formally assigned teams, shared class management and awards given for class achievement.

Strategies for Encouraging Individuality

1. Listening to students is essential, though often not practiced. Teachers need to always improve their listening skills, rather than assuming that their listening skills are adequate. In Peer Counseling: Skills and Perspectives, Vicent D'Andrea and Peter Salovey (1983) focus on particular attending skills which can prove invaluable to all educators.

Such skills include nonverbal and minimum verbal attending behaviors, the use of open questions, paraphrasing and summarization and working with feelings.

2. Carl Rogers (1961) states in On Becoming a Person that "Learning will be facilitated, it would seem, if the teacher is congruent. This involves the teacher's being the person that he is and being openly aware of the attitudes he holds" (p. 287). Essentially, this means that teachers are individuals to students and students are individuals to teachers.

It means the teacher believes in the fundamental and inherent worth of the student, as well as in himself or herself. The result of this approach is greater realism and depth in the relationship of student to teacher and thus, greater opportunity for significant, life-changing learning.

3. Teachers must also serve as role models. They must be comfortable with who they are and they must be willing to admit mistakes and accept new challenges. They must accept the responsibility to live in a fishbowl, not free from imperfections, but mature in their responses to them.

4. Teachers must also serve as mentors. They must encourage independence, specifically regarding decision-making and acceptance of consequences. They must be able to take students into their lives, nurture them and value them.

5. Students celebrate most often beyond the classroom. To an appropriate extent, teachers should be willing to share in this celebration. For example, a Chemistry I teacher must be willing to go to a student's piano recital when invited to do so by the student.

Likewise, educators should know students well enough to celebrate in birthdays, weddings, anniversaries and other important life events. By celebrating beyond the classroom, teachers tell students that the individual student is valuable to them, not as a necessary outcome of the teacher's efforts, but rather as an independent and whole person.

6. Finally, teachers must recognize that students learn differently. There are many models available to teachers regarding learning methodology. For instance, teachers at all levels should understand and be able to utilize Gardner's theory of multiple intellegences (1983). Knowing that students prefer to learn as individuals empowers teachers to more effectively.

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Strategies for Providing Individual Growth Opportunities

1. When students are allowed increased opportunities to significantly contribute to their school and it's community, they learn self-confidence and responsibility. When they're stretched to the limits of their abilities and are taught new skills and knowledge, they expand their personal horizons. When they see their new ideas in place, they develop pride. When students are granted temporary leadership opportunities, they learn more about the skills and traits necessary for effective leadership.

2. All students have skills they consider their best and most valuable. Some people value their creativity, others their attention to detail, still others their problem solving abilities. By assigning tasks that allow them to hone these skills, teachers provide the opportunities for individual growth in areas where students are already motivated.

3. Personal growth is vital to each individual. Learning to overcome weaknesses, get along better with others, foster life-long learning, express individuality and raise children are goals that nearly all people eventually strive to achieve. Teachers often have access to the resources which can help their followers achieve their personal growth goals.

4. People like to know that they contribute to their community and that they make a difference beyond themselves. Many individuals need to know that they make a positive difference in the world by helping others. Schools can help students achieve this goal. They can host activities which allow students exposure to differing service efforts. They can teach community responsibility and allow students to satisfy their need to help others at the same time.

5. Finally, people need to have fun. They need to celebrate, to feel good about where they work and to feel good about the progress they're making towards attaining their personal goals.

Colleges can provide many opportunities for students to enjoy their work, to have fun learning and to celebrate their successes together. Policies and procedures which are dampening can be eliminated and strategies which encourage interaction and levity can be purposely planned. Teachers who believe that education should not be fun can be educated. Learning can be fun and healthy. Indeed, for the empowerment of students to occur, it must be just that.

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Roles for Encouragement

There are 4 primary agents in any student encouragement process:

  • students
  • instructors
  • college employers other than teachers 
  • the institution itself

Each of these agents is made up of many different types of individuals, each with varying roles.

Students vary most greatly of all 4 agents. They vary by:

  • age
  • residence status
  • academic program
  • co-curricular involvement
  • student life involvement
  • class schedule - time of day
  • employment association
  • enrollment status
  • cultural background
  • academic proficiency 
  • income level

Despite these differences, however, students have essentially 3 roles in the process.

First, students serve as an information source. Students often know about the successes of other students long before faculty and staff first hear of them. This information can be tapped by the college, so that the instructors and college employees can make a point of recognizing and encouraging the individual students who excel.

Second, students encourage each other as a matter of course. This trait can be nurtured and strengthened. Third and most obviously, students are the recipients of encouragement. They are the focus of all effort.

Instructors vary least of the 4 agents and their roles are easily defined. Essentially, teachers fulfill 4 roles regarding encouragement.

First, they teach or facilitate in an academic setting. In this realm, their influence is unmatched. How they treat students with respect to assignments, conversations, grades, assessments, and personal interactions is almost completely dependent upon individual instructor preferences.

Thus, they have great opportunity to encourage. Second, they promote growth by serving as mentors. Instructors realize that education comes in many levels. The relationships they develop in the academic setting often extend far beyond into the student's personal setting. In this respect, instructors can help students learn more than just subject matter.

They can help students learn more about life. Third, they role model appropriate behaviors and individuality. Students watch instructors closely. They try to ascertain if instructor words equate to instructor actions. They watch the teacher with intent to define the student-teacher relationship. Fourth, on many campuses, instructors also serve as academic advisors. They help students to plan and to look ahead to the future.

College employees who don't teach in the classroom represent the 3rd agent in the encouragement process. The individuals in this group aren't only varied, but their roles are numerous.

This group includes:

  • coaches
  • student-group advisors
  • service providers (i.e., custodians, clerks, receptionists)
  • student affairs professionals (i.e., residence hall directors, student activities professionals, deans, associate deans)
  • counselors (i.e., personal, vocational, academic
  • staff members who supervise student employees

In these capacities, they serve as teachers, facilitators, disciplinarians, advisors, mentors, role models, planners, counselors, administrators and employers. This group, often overlooked when regarding the educational mission of an institution, has enormous potential to empower students to succeed. Thus, they are indeed one of the prime agents in the encouragement process.

The final encouragement agent is the institution itself. Obviously, there is no such single thinking entity as the institution. Instead, the institution is the collection of all individuals and resources associated with the college.

It's the universe of the college and it's far too large to discuss in detail in this practicum. For the purposes of this section, then, the term "institution" refers to those individuals who are ultimately responsible for the administration of college resources. At some colleges, this group may represent key high level administrators who make most of the institution's major decisions. At other colleges, faculty members or committees may play a large role in decision making.

At still other schools, mid-level managers may be empowered to act as specialists, making decisions in cooperation with other managers. Regardless of the administrative structure, people do make decisions and assume responsibility and it's this group which is referred to as the "institution."

The institution, then, has one primary responsibility:

the coordination and utilization of college resources.

These resources come in 4 types:

  • money
  • people
  • facilities
  • vision

Each of these resources can and must be utilized in the student encouragement process if the college or the individuals within the college are to be successful.

The first of these is money. Without money, received from whatever sources, there will be no facilities, there will be only a few people and vision will be extremely limited. The institution must agree to fund, to some extent, the encouragement process. It must commit money to planning, to employee training and to encouragement resources.

The second of these is people. Colleges employee hundreds to thousands of individuals to carry out their missions. All of these people work toward the same purpose:

the education of students.

Thus, it's vital that each of these individuals be considered educators, from the newest custodian (who often has frequent contact with students) to the college president (who often has minimal contact with students).

Thus, these individuals should all be trained to educate and then they should all be allowed and encouraged to do just that. Receptionists should be taught customer service concepts, alongside key high level administrators. Academic advisors should be taught to counsel, as well as to advise. Disciplinarians should be taught how to use discipline appropriately for maximum education.

Finally, each of these groups should be coordinated by the institution, brought together in common purpose and held accountable for their educational efforts.

It's unreasonable to assume that every staff member will recognize and personally value each individual student enrolled. Rather, it's important that each specific population be assigned a subset of staff or faculty members whose responsibility it is to focus awareness and recognition for that group.

At all colleges, these faculty and staff groups already exist. For example, traditional residence hall students who are athletes have opportunity to develop nurturing relationships with the hall coordinator, the director of student life, their advisors, their instructors and their coaches. It's essential to bring these employees together to focus current recognition and ignite new possibilities.

These collected individuals form the idea starting group. The institution must look at each position and ask the questions:

  • "How does this person interact with students daily?"
  • "What does this person need to know or need to have access to in order to teach most effectively?"
  • "Does this person currently have enough time in their routine to allow them to interact positively with students?"

Through this concerted effort, the institution can utilize its most valuable resource: its people.

The third of these is facilities. Space and resources must be made available for the various encouragement strategies. These will be discussed in greater detail later.

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Finally, the institution is responsible for vision. Decision makers must evaluate their mission, determine where student empowerment and encouragement fit in, plan for its development, nurture it through the rough periods, and ensure that it becomes and remains a vibrant component of the institution's educational objectives.

General Assumptions

In Rewarding and Recognizing Employees, Joan P. Klubnik (1995) presents several keys assumptions to consider in the development of an employee recognition process. These same assumptions apply equally to systems designed for higher education settings.

First, recognition, or encouragement, should be its own reward. It should be fun for the giver as well as for the receiver. It should make educators feel better about themselves. The program should be designed specifically with this end in mind. Since 93% of a message is carried by nonverbal communication (Klubnik, 1995, p. 4), it is essential that educators love what they are doing. It will certainly show if they do not.

Second, giving is a learned skill. It takes effort, knowledge, skill, and support to properly encourage learners. For many people, it is not simply a matter of being told to encourage students. It involves training and support. The institution's primary administrators must assume responsibility for empowering college employees to empower students.

Third, encouragement must be modeled at the top but coordinated at the bottom. High level administrators must agree that encouragement is part of the education process, that it is necessary, and that employees who practice it should be praised and rewarded. Coordination, however, must come from those who most often, and most significantly, interact with students. It is these individuals who know what students value, what they have achieved, and how they prefer to be encouraged.

Fourth, there must be an encouragement champion among the key administrators. There must be an individual willing to support the concepts and philosophies of encouragement, and who advocates for appropriate resources.

Fifth, encouragement is not a blanket approach. For instance, a parent of three children does not wait for each of them to excel before congratulating one of them. When a child succeeds, a parent praises him or her individually. When educators congratulate students only in groups, they imply that individuals and individual accomplishments are not important. This is not to say that group encouragement is not appropriate, only that it should not become the only, or even the primary, avenue for recognition.

Finally, and of most importance, the best approach is the simple approach. While there is a place for formal awards, it is the simple daily encouragement which is most valued. Simply saying "good job" or "thank you" is the best and most common action an educator can take. Once this practice is firmly in place, other more formal or creative strategies can be utilized to achieve even greater results. But attitude is key, and it all starts with daily encouragement.

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CHAPTER THREE. Institutional Mission and Encouragement

Every institution exists for a specific purpose. While colleges and universities exist to educate students, they also meet other important needs. Exactly what those needs are is defined individually by each institution, usually in the form of a mission or vision statement, a motto or a philosophy statement.

The motto of Kansas Newman College, printed in the Kansas Newman College Catalog (1995), reads "Caritas Christi Urget Nos," or "The charity of Christ urges us." More than stating a direction for the institution, this motto sets a tone. It is charity that drives the college, charity for individuals. It represents a sense of caring and warmth.

The brief version of the mission of Kansas Newman College reads "Kansas Newman is a Catholic liberal arts college which through its educational programs empowers students to transform society by permeating it with Christian values" (Kansas Newman College Student Leadership Notebook, Fall, 1995). The empowerment of students is central to the purpose of the institution.

The more complete mission statement includes the following passage: "The College, through its curriculum and supporting environment, challenges its students to become liberally educated persons . . ." (Kansas Newman College, p. 4). Here, the term "supporting environment" is most relevant.

The philosophy statement of the college states, in part, "As a community of scholars - teachers and students in pursuit of truth -Kansas Newman College makes an ongoing contribution to the human community by fostering individual growth and development" (Kansas Newman College, p. 4).

The encouragement of students is firmly grounded in the mission and philosophy of Kansas Newman College. Indeed, as it relates to student empowerment, it is central.

Also embedded in the mission of the college is another important dimension to the empowerment issue: results. The mission and philosophy describe in detail what students should be empowered to accomplish. They describe qualities which the college values, and thus, provide qualities which should be rewarded and encouraged in our students.

Such characteristics include desire for higher education imbued with values, the development of the whole person, consideration for the disadvantaged, a serious approach to thought, the development of an interdependent global perspective, and the positive transformation of society.

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CHAPTER FOUR. Learning and Encouragement

Since the mission of the college is to educate and empower students, the first and most important question regarding encouragement must be, "Is encouragement via recognition conducive to learning?"

The Individual Person: Self-esteem

In The Six Pillars of Self-esteem, Nathanial Branden (1994) discusses the incredible importance that self-esteem plays in the lives of every individual.

He defines self-esteem as:

the experience that we are appropriate to life and to the requirements of life.

More specifically, self-esteem is:

(1) confidence in our ability to think, confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life; and

(2) confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts. (p. 4)

It is easy to see the similarities between this definition and Holyoke College's definition of empowerment mentioned earlier. Individuals with high self esteem are able to make decisions and act independently. They are empowered to positively impact society.

According to Branden:

The level of our self-esteem has profound consequences for every aspect of our existence: how we operate in the workplace, how we deal with people, how high we are likely to rise, how much we are likely to achieve - and, in the personal realm, with whom we are likely to fall in love, how we interact with our spouse, children, and friends, what level of personal happiness we attain. . . 

Healthy self-esteem correlates with rationality, realism, intuitiveness, creativity, independence, flexibility, ability to manage change, willingness to admit (and correct) mistakes, benevolence, and cooperativeness. (p. 5)

Branden points out one important warning regarding praise and encouragement. Praise used inappropriately is as damaging as praise used not at all. There are two fundamental mistakes people often make in utilizing praise. The first is that people often use a blanket approach. They praise everything another individual does, regardless of its merit or difficulty.

This results in a feeling of invisibility and decreases the value of praise. The second is that many people attach judgment to their praise. For instance, an instructor may say "keep up the good work," when a student paints a beautiful picture. However, this can create in the artist a sense of anxiety, dependence and potentially defensiveness.

Instead, the instructor should be specific in his or her praise. For instance, the teacher may instead say, "The detail in this painting is wonderful. It is obvious you put much of yourself into it. I enjoyed it immensely." The student knows then that the praise is specific and genuine, because it can be immediately traced to his or her work.

Branden also outlines strategies leaders - in this case teachers - may take to stimulate high self-esteem among followers. Chief among these are listen and offer appropriate feedback, be empathic, maintain a tone of respect, give followers space to take the initiative, recognize and acknowledge your own mistakes, let followers know it's safe to make mistakes and to disagree with you, encourage people to talk honestly about their feelings, praise in public and correct in private, let praise be realistic, allow others to originate brilliant solutions, change aspects of the institution that undermine self-esteem, match tasks to people with relevant interests, give assignments which stimulate personal growth, reward generously for outstanding contributions, and write letters of commendation to high achievers.

Branden also lists several important factors in the workplace which are necessary for good self-esteem. While he primarily directs these to businesses, they can be equally applied to educational institutions.

The conditions he lists include that people feel safe, accepted, challenged, and recognized. People should also receive constructive feedback, see that innovation is expected of them, are given appropriate authority, are encouraged to solve their own problems, and people are rewarded and encouraged for learning.

Educators are in excellent positions to help create these conditions. They are able to encourage in students better self-esteem, healthier self-concept and greater independence and confidence.

Motivating Persons

For any student in any learning situation, motivation is a key factor. Why people learn determines how much they will learn and how aggressively they will pursue education. There are several important models to consider when examining the effect of encouragement on motivation. The first of these involves the two primary types of motivation.

The best, most powerful motivation is intrinsic motivation. According to Pamela R. Rothstein (1990), author of Educational Psychology, "Intrinsic motivators lead the student to engage in the behavior because of the inherent value of doing so" (p. 137)

For instance, a student learns to play piano simply because the student enjoys music or loves to create original compositions. Regardless of external factors, the student finds value in learning. Intrinsic motivation is they key driver to self-directed learning.

Children often learn to use computers simply because they want take advantage of the opportunities they can provide. Others learn because it is fun, or because they are able to see their progress clearly. Perhaps some learn to increase their spheres of interaction, or to take pride in mastering a difficult, ever changing skill.

Adults learn in much the same way. Expectant parents read books on how to raise children; hobbyists invest tremendous time investigating their hobbies; supervisors research better management techniques. These are all forms of intrinsic motivation, and they represent the greatest hope for learning.

However, not every student is intrinsically motivated to learn every subject, or to learn new behaviors. The same child who spends hours before a computer may not wish to spend energy learning history. The same college student who enjoys learning more about baseball may not wish to learn more about time management or responsibility.

This is often where extrinsic motivators play the biggest part. According to Rothstein, "Extrinsic motivation is administered from an external source and is not inherent in the behavior itself" (p. 137) For instance, when a parent rewards a child's academic achievements with money, the child is learning extrinsic motivation.

"Common extrinsic motivators are money, praise, free time, special time with the teacher, and special privileges" (p. 137) Verbal or written encouragement, then, is clearly a form of extrinsic motivation. Indeed, it is an extremely powerful motivator. In a study conducted by Herbert Walberg in 1984 (Rothstein, 1990, p. 18), reinforcement was found to be the most likely factor to affect achievement, and specific teacher feedback was ranked fourth.

Rothstein repeats the common warning regarding this type of motivation: "Use moderation when administering extrinsic reinforcers. Do not overdo it" (p. 137). This warning, also echoed in the Walberg report, is defined more clearly in "Reward and Punishment" by Gerald W. Bracey (Phi Delta Kappan, 1994). Bracey asserts that extrinsic motivators can lead to diminished achievement. Some individuals may resent receiving extrinsic rewards for what they prefer to do anyway.

Praise, then, must be specific, genuine, and not overdone. Indeed, it must go further than that. It should be specifically designed to move the student from extrinsic to intrinsic motivation. For example, a student who accomplishes a difficult academic task may be praised by the instructor as a means of reinforcing the desired behavior. The instructor may then provide additional growth opportunities. Through these, the student may then discover a deeper interest, a deeper curiosity, and a deeper fulfillment.

Of course, demonstrating value for the individuality of students is always crucial. Unconditional positive regard crosses the border between extrinsic and intrinsic motivation, and teaches the student independence and confidence.

The second important model of motivation is perhaps the most famous: Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Maslow asserted that people behave to satisfy needs, and that they do so in a particular order, based on the level of those needs (Rothstein, 1990).

The most base needs that people behave to satisfy are physiological needs:

  • food
  • drink
  • physical comfort

The second needs are safety needs:

  • security
  • protection
  • stability

The third needs are love and belonging needs:

  • acceptance
  • affection
  • identity

The fourth needs are positive self-regard and self-esteem needs:

The fifth needs are knowing and understanding:

  • learning 
  • curiosity

The sixth needs are aesthetic needs:

  • enjoyment of art and beauty

The seventh needs are self-actualization needs:

  • fulfillment of one's potential in life.

Obviously, encouragement can positively impact love and belongingness needs as well as positive self-regard and self-esteem needs. Instructors can help students establish relationships with other individuals, as well as identity with the institution itself. They can help students to realize a good experience from learning through the use of positive reinforcement, acceptance, and independence.

Person to Person: Supportive Relationships

So how can an educator - educator is viewed here in the broader sense defined earlier rather than simply as a classroom instructor - establish encouraging relationships with students?

First, and most important, the educator must get to know the individual student. The educator must find out what the student values in himself or herself, what the student dreams of or hopes to become. The educator must learn the student's goals and aspirations, the student's culture and background, and the student's personal situations regarding work and family. The educator must first become an observer (Dichter, 1971).

To do this, the educator must listen to the student. Using the basic attending skills mentioned in chapter two, educators can listen with empathic regard. According to Raymond J. Wlodkowski (1978), author of Motivation and Teaching: A Practical Guide, educators must "want to understand the situation as the student perceives it," and must be "accurate in our awareness of her/his message" (p. 40).

Wlodkowski also states that students should always be treated with warmth and acceptance, with regard for the student's individuality. The use of birthday cards, get well cards, and other little messages of acceptance and value convey that the educator truly cares about the student.

The second step an educator must take seems simple at first, but proves to be much more difficult in implementation. Educators must be true to themselves. As Rogers (1961) asserts in On Becoming a Person, the educator must first be a person. The educator must escape the artificial constraints of the teaching role, and allow himself or herself to be perceived as human. To promote positive self-esteem in students, the educator must first develop his or her own positive self-esteem (Branden, 1994).

According to "What Makes a Great Teacher", an article appearing in Good Housekeeping, "Teachers feel good about their work when they know they don't have to leave themselves at the door of the classroom. While maintaining their professionalism, they feel they can be real people with their pupils" (David, 1993, p. 167).

Although this article was written specifically regarding classroom instructors, it can also be applied to college staff members. For instance, when a student accounts clerk becomes human rather than merely a collection machine, students feel better about paying bills or requesting assistance.

Educators must also be true to their loves. When a calculus instructor loves math, it should show. Their enthusiasm for the subject should be visible and contagious. In a study of master teachers conducted at Bowling Green State University by Richard L. Weaver II, Sue Wenzlaff, and Howard W. Cotrell (1993), students were asked to narrow the characteristics of master teachers to just one. The majority responded that master teachers teach with enthusiasm. Indeed, the study states:

Students want to be caught up in the teachers' enthusiasm - so caught up that they are willing to put forth the effort to master difficult content and meet the expectations of teachers they admire and respect. Students depend on teachers for their own interest, enthusiasm, and motivation. (p. 15)

Again, this strategy need not be left in the classroom. A residence hall director, for example, may demonstrate an enthusiasm for responsible decision making which becomes contagious.

Third, educators must be willing to share something of value with the student. By sharing something of value, the educator becomes a "giver" instead of a "taker". Again, it allows the student to view the educator as human, and as a person who has their own personal set of values. Educators may share time outside of the classroom, individual attention, humor, feelings, values, and dreams. They may share with students their own personal goals (Wlodkowski, 1978). Combined with effective listening, sharing can be most potent.

Fourth, educators must be approachable in their formalized roles (Tinto, 1987). Such accessibility leads to approach outside of those roles. An instructor who is human and approachable in the classroom is likely to be approached outside of the classroom. A Dean of Students who is warm and compassionate to students in his or her office will likely become a source of student support outside of the office.

Fifth, educators must provide a supportive environment within their sphere of influence. Procedures or policies which alienate students from the institution must be changed where possible. Front-line student service providers must be trained to deal with students with dignity and respect, as individuals interacting with other individuals. According to the Bowling Green study mentioned above, "What students seem to want is an appropriate, supportive, interesting, challenging learning environment" (Weaver, 1993, p. 15).

Sixth, educators must provide extrinsic motivators appropriately. The value of this type of motivation is clearly stated in a study conducted of teacher praise in secondary schools by William C. Elwell and John Tiberio (1994). Elwell and Tiberio found that "secondary school students perceive praise as an important element in their academic and social behaviors" (p. 327). These same secondary school students form the traditional freshman classes at many college and universities.

However, again comes the warning. Praise must be used appropriately and at proper times. Artificial reinforcers should be applied only when they "contribute to the natural flow of successful learning and provide closure with a positive ending" (Wlodkowski, 1978, p. 157). Wlodkowski also provides several other key guidelines. Give recognition for real effort. Show appreciation for student progress. Show faith in the student as a general learner. Ask the student for help. Reduce praise, and increase encouragement.

Seventh, educators must find balance.

Any teacher must discover how to balance encouragement, compassion, and support for students with rigorous evaluation and intellectual honesty, as well as (given the usual institutional context) issuing grades that affect the student's life chances . . . [this] notes a tension between the role of teacher as evaluator, screener, certifier, and the role of helping students. (Robertson & Grant, 1982, p. 66)

Whether the educator is an instructor or a registrar, this battle between student empowerment through assistance versus student empowerment through teaching consequence of individual actions must be waged daily. It is not an easy balancing act, but one which is essential.

Adult Persons

To this point, much of the educational research presented has come from studies and texts regarding young learners. However, colleges today serve students of all ages. How, then, does encouragement impact adult learners? In their text Individualizing Instruction, Roger Hiemstra and Burton Sisco (1990) discuss in detail the adult learner.

Throughout the text, Hiemstra and Sisco stress that adult learners are individuals. Each adult comes to the education process with a specific and individual set of perceptions, experiences and abilities. They expect and need these traits to be taken into consideration by the instructor. This sentiment is echoed by Gene Geromel (1994) in his article "Learning from the Gentle Art" published in Adult Learning:

Every instructor has been taught that each student is unique, with certain strengths and weakness. But rarely have I seen instructors or trainers take that uniqueness into consideration when they are teaching. Rarely have I seen a professor take the students background or learning style into account when they teach. . . . But, at least, we ought to know that everyone has a primary style of learning - hearing, seeing, doing - or that some are extroverted or introverted. (p. 16)

Adult learners are also affected by their perceptions of themselves as learners. They often experience fear at the concept of going back to school.

Often they doubt their abilities to learn in a formalized setting. Previous poor learning experiences may cloud their self-esteem. Educators, through encouragement, can help to empower these students to succeed. They can reaffirm the student's individuality and abilities. They can reward progress during those initial tentative stages of learning.

Hiemstra and Sisco (1990) also assert that "adults generally learn best in supportive environments where differences in personality, backgrounds, and learning styles are recognized and appreciated" (p. 33). Again, educators can help empower these students through the use of encouragement strategies.

Finally, Hiemstra and Sisco present several key instructional principals for adult students. First, educators should know their adult students. Second, they should use the students' life experiences as class content. Third, they should provide students feedback on their progress. Fourth, they should be available to students outside of the classroom. Indeed, these strategies are not so different from those listed in the previous sections.
 
Encouragement can, and should, be applied to adult students with the same mindset that it is applied to traditionally aged college students: appropriately and at the proper times.

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CHAPTER FIVE. Institutional Student Retention and Encouragement

Colleges are in the business of education. This statement implies two specific roles. The first of these two is education. Most colleges and universities do not exist to generate profits, but exist rather to serve their communities. However, they must also stay in business. Consequently, their primary form of revenue -- tuition -- must remain a central aspect of institutional planning.

As a result, colleges are inherently concerned about students leaving before graduation. They are concerned for two reasons. First, when a student leaves a particular college, he or she is less likely to attend another. In other words, when a students drops out of one college, it is likely the student will drop out of college altogether. Second, when any student leaves a college prior to graduation, more money must be spent recruiting a student replacement. If this is not done, then the institution cannot remain financially viable.

It should be noted that educators and administrators, for the most part, agree that not all students at all times are prepared for or will benefit from higher education. Though education is viewed as a beneficial service, it is not for everyone. Some students are simply unable or unwilling to take advantage of a college education. Others face barriers that are too large for them to overcome, even with assistance from individual colleges.

However, many students leave college due to obstacles which can be overcome with assistance. It is this group of students that an encouragement process can most positively impact.

There are essentially two sets of communities college students engage in: internal and external communities. Internal communities are those which are part of the institution. Such communities would include athletics, specific academic programs, and residence halls. External communities are those which are apart from the institution. For example, families, work environments, and civic organizations. Both of these sets of communities greatly impact retention, and both are excellent targets for institutional encouragement strategies.

Internal communities serve to assist the student in developing relationships with faculty, college staff, and other students. In addition, they help the student develop an identity with the institution itself. When a college fails at these two crucial roles, student alienation results. Alienation is defined as "a sense of powerlessness, meaninglessness, and social  estrangement" (Tomlinson-Clarke, 1996, p. 60).

The effect of alienation on student retention cannot be understated. According to a studies conducted and/or reviewed by Vincent Tinto (1987), "the absence of sufficient contact with other members of the institution proves to be the single most important predictor of eventual departure, even after taking account of the independent effects of background, personality, and academic performance" (p. 64). Lee Noel and Randi Levitz (1996) list student centeredness and campus climate as two of the five areas of greatest importance to students. In addition, an institution's concern for the individual student is also listed among the top five areas of greatest satisfaction to students.

An effective encouragement process can help students form solid relationships, both with college personnel and with other students. "Good job!" or "Congratulations," can become the springboard to more meaningful conversations, leading to more lasting relationships. If students feels individually noticed and valued, then they are less likely to feel isolated from the community.

This is especially true for commuter students who do not have built-in residence hall communities to draw from. While studies show that on-campus students have higher retention rates than those living off campus (Wolfe, 1993), it is important not to discount the commuter student's interest in developing ties to the campus community.

In a study conducted by Jeanne M. Likins (1991), 65% of responding commuter students "reported a desire to feel more a part of the university community," while 69% reported that "they felt a part of the university community at the mid-point or below on the 5-point scale" (p. 71). Commuter students do want to identify more strongly with the college community, and colleges must present avenues for them to do so.

The second set of communities which impact retention are those which are external to the institution. This set is especially important for students who have families and full-time employment, or for those who live at home or off-campus (Tinto, 1987). In a review of recent studies regarding adult student retention, J. S. Swift (Naretto, 1995) found that, for adult students, external influences are the usual cause for nonpersistence.

External communities include families, friends, work environments, and other social support networks. Most often, these communities are supportive (Naretto, 1995), and can in fact compensate for poor support from the institution itself. However, for some students, family members and employers may not fully understand the value of education to the student.

They may not understand the time and energy sacrifices required to complete degree requirements. In this respect, the college is in a unique position to reinforce the value of education to members of external supportive communities.

For instance, by recognizing the time sacrifices made by a student's spouse or employer, by thanking those individuals personally, the college can help bring the student's support system more fully into the educational process. In this way, supporting those who support the student may be the college's best avenue to help the student persist.

An important selling point to college administrators is Tinto's assertion that developing a comprehensive student retention program can result in a 10% to 20% increase in the student retention rate (Tinto, 1987). Such numbers mean significantly higher revenues, and thus, greater ability to serve and educate students.

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CHAPTER SIX. Status Quo and Encouragement

Before proposing a new encouragement process, it is important to first examine any current systems in place at Kansas Newman College. In a recent survey conducted by the KNC retention team, academic program and departmental directors were asked six questions regarding retention efforts at KNC. A summary of the responses is as follows:

Divisions and departments were asked to list retention strategies they have already implemented. Their strategies fell into five main categories. First, several academic programs have increased their admissions standards and expanded their selection criteria. In addition, most academic programs have become more extensively involved in the new student recruitment process.

Second, student-employee and student-student relationships have been strengthened. Utilizing such tools as advising, staff development, student employment, mentoring, and early watch programs, departments have attempted to increase the number and quality of opportunities for interaction.

Third, administrative offices have streamlined and upgraded processes to make better use of new technology. This allows students to move more quickly and efficiently through common procedures. Fourth, career assistance has been expanded. Greater time and resources have been devoted to career development skills, placement, and networking.

Finally, many departments have developed individual strategies for increasing retention. Among them are academic clubs, departmental luncheons, student recognition programs, professional conference coordination and travel, increased departmental scholarships, and departmental newsletters.

When asked how affective these programs have been, most respondents indicated significantly high retention rates in their departments. Some quantified this information, while others used only qualitative language.

Future departmental retention efforts were also outlined by each department. Most of these strategies are similar to the ones stated above, with more attention and resources devoted to implementation. Ideas for college-wide retention were also provided by the respondents.

Among them are increased faculty research opportunities, lower tuition costs, general admissions standards review, increased opportunities for student-employee interaction, improved support networks, increased campus communication, and customer-friendly scheduling. While not all of these ideas may prove to be feasible, they do represent ideas from various areas of the college community.

Finally, survey participants were asked to define potential barriers to retention efforts at Kansas Newman College. The most often cited barrier was limited resources, most notably money, personnel and facilities. Others included a general attitude of resistance to change, time, outside factors, poor or unavailable student data, departmental competition, and poorly set priorities.

Based on these survey results, it is obvious that some encouragement strategies are utilized by individuals within the college. However, what is lacking is a unified, comprehensive, and institutional approach.

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CHAPTER 7: The Kansas Newman College Recognition Process Implementation Plan

This, then, is the heart of the issue. Institutions of higher education, as well as college & university students, can & should benefit from student encouragement.

This chapter details a plan for implementation of just such a formalized process at Kansas Newman College.

Sell the Process

Selling the process begins with selling the KNC Leadership Team. Their approval is key to a systematic, comprehensive process. However, once that approval is gained, the real challenge of selling the process to the KNC community begins.

Change is never easy, nor is it usually universally accepted. The best change is change that people want. When people see the value in changing & are given the time needed to adapt to the change, then the change becomes desired rather than feared.

This forms the guiding philosophy to selling the encouragement process to members of the college community. Start small. Begin with one strategy that everyone will find valuable. Start voluntary. Let people take it or leave it.

When some employees find success using the basic strategies & systems, others will wish to join. Start competent. Don't overstretch available resources or create a reputation for poor management. Start excited.

Find a few people within the institution who will champion the process & let their enthusiasm sell.

Form a Process Team

The development of ideas & the coordination of resources are the 2 essential roles of any process team. Such a team is crucial to the student encouragement effort. This team, appointed by the Leadership Team, would be composed of college employees - including faculty - who interact daily with students.

Serving on the team should be voluntary & individuals who naturally encourage students should be sought out for leadership roles. Excitement concerning the encouragement of students should be the only requirement for joining the team & the standard representation format should be avoided.

For the purposes of this practicum, such a team will be called the Student Empowerment Resource Team.

Identify KNC Students

As was discussed earlier, there are many different student sub-communities within the larger Kansas Newman College community. Table 1 illustrates the most significant of these. While this chart is a rough draft & will need to be reviewed later by the Student Empowerment Resource Team, it still provides some notion as to the variety of Newman's students.

Each of these categories represents opportunity for involvement on the part of the college. For instance, by providing free child-rearing seminars the college can assist new parents overcome a potentially large obstacle to persistence.

How involved with each of the sub-communities the institution wishes to become is a decision best left to the Student Empowerment Resource Team. In addition, in an effort to better design retention services for maximum impact, this group should also study the significance & size of each sub-community.

Finally, for many of the sub-communities, the Student Empowerment Resource Team should identify the college employees who interact most directly with each sub-community, thus ensuring that students don't fall between the cracks.

Assess Student Perceptions & Needs

Do Kansas Newman College students feel valued? Do they feel that their efforts are noticed? Do they desire recognition or praise? What do they value in their relationships with college employees? What barriers do they face in their continued education?

These are all questions which must be answered before the college can successfully implement encouragement or retention strategies. One of the Student Empowerment Resource Team's first responsibilities should be to develop & administer a student retention & encouragement survey.

Once the college better understands its students, it'll be better able to meet their needs.

Implement Process Strategies

Chapter 8 describes numerous encouragement strategies available to the college. Should these strategies be implemented? Are they affordable? Are they conducive to education, retention & mission? Are they effective? If they should be implemented, when? In what order? By whom?

These are all questions the Student Empowerment Resource Team must answer. Management must be organized & thorough.

Collect Further Retention Data

One of the primary obstacles the current KNC Retention Team faces is a significant lack of retention data. As new technologies within the college become available, the Student Empowerment Resource Team should further evaluate retention & attrition trends, as well as changes in demographics.

Assess the Encouragement Program

Each year the Student Empowerment Resource Team must assess the effectiveness of the encouragement process. Their methodology in doing so should be defined early by the team & a timeline for assessment should be developed. Assessment data should be reported to the KNC Leadership Team.

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CHAPTER EIGHT. Encouragement Strategies

So how can the institution encourage students? This section details several key strategies which may prove appropriate for the size & mission of Kansas Newman College. Again, these strategies should be reviewed by the Student Empowerment Resource Team, modified as needed & implemented as appropriate.

Idea Book

Many people simply don't know how to individually encourage students thru recognition. They lack a philosophical basis as well as concrete suggestions. The Idea Book will meet both of these needs.

The first section of the Idea Book will present a few basic philosophical principles of encouragement, as well as several key guidelines. The most important of these guidelines, of course, are the 3 warnings:

  • be appropriate
  • be timely
  • be purposeful

The second section will list encouragement suggestions for the individual educator, as well as suggestions for the academic department or division. In addition, this section will detail campus resources which will be made available to KNC educators.

A booklet of this nature needs not only good content, but also good presentation. It must be easy to read, easy to scan & easy to reference. It must be fun to look at & must relay enthusiasm & enjoyment.

The Idea Book should be made available to all KNC employees & no strings should be attached to its usage.

Employer Recognition

For students who work full-time jobs, it seems that only families represent a more significant external influence on educational persistence than employers.

For many students, employers even pay part or full tuition costs. For nearly all employers, an employee's continued education represents investments in time, energy, or money. In some instances, sacrifices made by employers rival those made by students.

Thus, employers are key components in the individual student's support network. Their effect can pro-education, anti-education, or neutral. Yet, these individuals are largely ignored by educational institutions. Their sacrifices often go unrecognized in any formal sense.

Recognizing & encouraging employers as supporters of education could make a significant difference in the lives of individual students.

Strategies could include:

  • banquets recognizing employers who pay partial or full tuition costs
  • flowers sent to supervisors on bosses day
  • free management seminars for selected small business employers
  • annual formal awards such as Boss of the Year
  • letters of appreciation from the KNC President praising the employers commitment to education

Thru each of these, the basic values of education can be reaffirmed in employers, making sacrifice even more rewarding.

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The Resource Center

Often it's inconvenient, or sometimes impossible, for a faculty or staff member to drive to a card shop & purchase a birthday card or a get well card. Likewise, finding other recognition or encouragement materials may prove difficult.

For this reason, a resource room should be established on campus, to be used by KNC employees in their efforts to recognize students.

The room would include notecards, birthday cards, get well cards, blank business cards, certificates, stress reducers, candy, coffee, construction paper, markers, a student birthday list, banner paper & inexpensive KNC items. It could be managed & funded by the Student Empowerment Resource Team.

Family Recognition

As was discussed earlier, families are crucial to students' support networks. Like employers, they can exert positive, negative, or neutral impact on a student's educational aspirations.

For the adult student, the primary family members are the spouse & children. Each of these individuals sacrifice greatly when the student continues education. They sacrifice the student's time & energy.

They find themselves with fewer financial resources than were previously available. The student's attention may become more difficult to focus on family matters.

Here, as with employers, the college is in an excellent position to assist the family empower the student; i.e., the college could send flowers or cards to spouses at appropriate times. The college could sponsor free child-rearing seminars, or it could offer more numerous weekend family activities designed to promote communication & interaction.

Free budgeting seminars could take some of the sting out of college expenses. A one-time Friday night daycare could be set up to give couples more alone time. Spouses could be invited to a dinner on campus thanking them for their contributions to education.

The college could host a family night, where spouses would be invited to attend a night class with the student. Families could be asked to put together a night class survival kit for their student (instructions provided by the college).

With traditionally aged college students, parents & siblings are the primary family members. Parents often experience sadness, apprehension & joy as they send their children to college. They often need reassurance that the student is embarking on a good journey & that the institution the student has chosen is safe, competent & appropriate.

By hosting family weekends, the college allows the family members to learn more about the college & to confront any lingering apprehensions. Care packages could be provided by family members for students.

The Good Gossip Grapevine

Small institutions are notorious for their grapevines. Negative information seems to flow like water. The good part of this rumor process is the high level of communication it generates. This same energy can easily be applied to spreading good news about students.

The Good Gossip Grapevine would be a formalized, user-friendly method for employees to share positive news about individual student accomplishments. The best explanation for this system comes in the form of a hypothetical situation.

John Smith is an English instructor, teaching Freshman Composition at Kansas Newman College. Barbara Davis is a freshman student in John's class. Near the end of the semester, Barbara sends an essay to a literary magazine & is accepted for publication.

Professor Smith, proud of his student, wishes to share this information with the rest of campus quickly. After checking first with Barbara, Smith logs onto the college's computer network, pulls up a special e-mail form (see Table 2) & then sends the completed form to all college employees on the network.

The next day, Anne Williams, a math instructor who teaches Barbara in her College Algebra class, reads the notice. In her class, she takes a minute to publicly congratulate Barbara on her accomplishment.

That same day, the college president also reads the notice & sends a special thank you card to Barbara for representing the college in such a good light.

Because the campus newspaper staff also read the notice, they contact Barbara & request an interview. The next week, Barbara's story appears as a feature article. As Barbara walks thru the halls, staff members congratulate her.

In this example, Barbara is noticed & encouraged. Her efforts are given a broader significance & she's given numerous opportunities to develop stronger ties with the college.

Obviously, there are some warnings which must accompany such a system - the same ones already mentioned repeatedly - just as there are technical problems which must be overcome. However, a Good Gossip Grapevine has enormous potential in the encouragement process.

Employee Coordination

Most KNC employees already know how to encourage students. They already understand most of the basic concepts involved. What they may need is the empowerment to follow thru with their instincts.

Some may need or desire additional training in customer service, attending skills, or communication. Others may need concrete suggestions or resources. Still others may simply need a structured environment in which student encouragement is supported in all employees.

The development of personnel in this area must be a coordinated effort, bringing together the Student Empowerment Resource Team & the college personnel department.

The Face Book

One of the problems facing KNC educators is that they may not recognize students, or may not be able to place names with faces when students are mentioned. Consequently, they're unable to congratulate or acknowledge students by name when they meet them in the halls or when they see them in the cafeteria.

Recently, the college purchased a new computer I.D. system which records & prints small identification photos. These photos could be compiled into a booklet - called a face book - which could then be printed each fall.

Photos could be tagged with student names & printed in alphabetical order. In the example mentioned above, a faculty member who heard about Barbara's published essay could quickly look in the face book, place the name with the picture & be prepared to congratulate Barbara when she next sees her.

This tool, utilized at Southwestern College in Winfield, Kansas, is useful in allowing educators to approach students as individuals. When students are addressed by name by someone they've never met, they're often more willing to engage in personal interaction.

Although expensive, the face book can help greatly in the creation of a friendly, caring atmosphere.

Mentoring

Depending on their design, mentoring programs allow students to develop significant relationships with other students, faculty, staff, or alumnae. In these relationships, the mentor teaches & guides the student; the educator helps the student achieve his or her goals. Such relationships also help the student to develop a stronger support system & to become more closely identified with the institution.

Mentoring programs can come in many shapes. They can be designed to assist the student in academic advising, transition counseling, employment guidance, or social interaction. The Student Empowerment Resource Team should closely examine mentoring options & propose a model for voluntary use by KNC students. Like all programs, it should start small & expand as the demand increases.

Formal Awards Ceremonies

Many students look forward to annual awards ceremonies with high expectation.

For students who enjoy being praised publicly, few encouragement strategies are more satisfying than these ceremonies. Students currently receive awards for a host of accomplishments, including academic, co-curricular & athletic performance.

These awards are appropriate & timely. They're currently managed properly & little concern has been raised with the awards or the ceremonies.

However, other awards may warrant consideration, based on the mission of the institution; i.e., is volunteerism rewarded? How do we know when students permeate society with Christian values? Are students rewarded for demonstrating initiative in liberal arts learning?

By looking at the mission of the college, it becomes clear that certain values are held in high esteem. These values should then be rewarded in students whenever possible.

Celebrating Diversity

One major component of student encouragement which has been largely ignored by the college is that of celebrating cultural diversity.

Programs should be originated which educate students regarding individual cultures & which allow students from those cultures to share more of themselves. Specific cultural holidays should be noted by the college.

Because so much work needs to be done in this area, it would be advisable to form a cultural diversity team composed of faculty, staff & students, which would coordinate activities & which could serve as a resource to students & educators alike.

Student Empowerment Resource Team Efforts

There are several other important strategies which should be coordinated by the Student Empowerment Resource Team.

1st: they should manage an encouragement budget. Educators could then solicit the Student Empowerment Resource Team for funding for gifts, flowers, cards, banquets & awards. They could request money to send students to special academic or co-curricular conferences.

2nd: they should formally recognize those educators who participate in the encouragement process. Using T-shirts, dinners, cards, or letters of accommodation, they should reinforce the value of encouragement to KNC employees.

3rd: they should coordinate opportunities for individual growth. They should list conferences available to students, promote service trips & coordinate educational opportunities.

Finally, again, they should plan & they should sell.

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CHAPTER 9: Program Administration

Budget

The amount of funding required for this project is solely dependent upon which strategies the Student Empowerment Resource Team proposes to the Leadership Team & which of these the Leadership Team approves. However, annual costs for each strategy can be approximated. Table 3 specifies estimated costs.

The total costs for the program, if each strategy were implemented at least minimally, would be $5,650. More extensive implementation could increase the total costs to $12,250.

Some of these costs could be absorbed by various departments or divisions; i.e., College Relations could pay full or partial costs for the development of the face book. Personnel could pay employee training costs.

However, most of the associated costs would need to allocated from general revenues. While there's no specific income to offset these costs, it should be noted that when combined with other retention efforts, these strategies will result in a significant increase - up to 15% - in general revenue.

Management

Like all process teams, the Student Empowerment Resource Team must have a home. A member of the Leadership Team must be assigned to oversee the efforts of the team & to advocate for team proposals. The most logical Leadership Team member to head this effort would be the Vice President for Student Affairs.

The team itself should be facilitated by the Director of Student Life. Most decisions regarding the formal encouragement process should be made by the process team itself, or by other teams or committees when appropriate.

CONCLUSION

Empowerment thru encouragement is a powerful tool. Used properly, it can help to motivate students, improve self-esteem & generate enthusiasm. Such a process represents great potential for Kansas Newman College, for the educators who work there & for the students who must receive nothing less than a complete education.

In order to create an effective learning environment, it's necessary to know the language of encouragement.

 

Learning to communicate thru nonjudgmental feelings of empathy and expressing your caring for others by using your voice inflections allowing others to "hear" your encouragement, as well as choosing words or phrases that are encouraging.

 

People may sometimes show you if they have received your words of encouragement by still looking discouraged after what you said, so try again and say something else!

 

When they smile and their eyes brighten up, you know you're reaching them. Likewise, you too will smile and your own eyes will also brighten up! Here are some examples of encouraging words and phrases that you can use to encourage others you meet up with on a daily basis!

  • Wow!
  • Great job!
  • Now you've got it!
  • Awesome!
  • Outrageous!
  • You have a lot of talent
  • Superior!
  • Fantastic!
  • Very much improved
  • Right on!
  • Outstanding!
  • You're the best!
  • Nice job
  • I'll take that
  • That's a commendable job
  • Wonderful
  • Fabulous!
  • You can do it!
  • Good going!
  • You're great!
  • That's thoughtful of you
  • Groovy!
  • Hang ten!
  • You're good at this
  • Good job
  • Good work
  • Keep up the good work
  • Clever!
  • Correct!
  • I liked the way Matt cleaned his desk
  • Incredible!
  • Impressive!
  • I like the way Mark volunteered!
  • Nice work
  • I'm proud of you
  • Now that's creative!
  • Bravo!
  • Applause
  • It's been a pleasure to be with you

101 words and phrases you can use to encourage your child(ren)....

  • Great Job 
  • Way to go 
  • You're so creative!
  • Your talents never cease 
  • Terrific 
  • Fantastic 
  • You're very thoughtful 
  • Thank you 
  • At-a-boy/girl!
  • I trust you 
  • You're a joy 
  • Stupendous 
  • Marvelous 
  • You're a beautiful person 
  • That was gutsy!
  • I'm so proud of you!
  • You're a miracle 
  • That was ambitious 
  • Let's try again 
  • Let's try it together 
  • You sure are generous 
  • You're the best!
  • Great 
  • You make me smile 
  • You're a great artist
  • You are super 
  • You're on your way! 
  • I appreciate your  
  • You're really growing up! 
  • I'm so happy for you!
  • I like the way you handled that
  • Thank you for your honesty
  • You're not alone 
  • Outstanding 
  • Congratulations 
  • You can do it!
  • You have a terrific sense of humor
  • That took a lot of patience 
  • You deserve it 
  • I forgive you 
  • You're courageous 
  • You're independent 
  • Give it a try 
  • Awesome 
  • God loves you 
  • You're so bright 
  • I'm sorry 
  • Please join us 
  • You're welcome 
  • Let's go for it! 
  • I see real improvement 
  • You tried your best, I can tell 
  • Wonderful! 
  • I see you like to explore 
  • You're Clever 
  • You are my sunshine 
  • You are perfect, just the way you are 
  • I respect your privacy 
  • Great idea 
  • That was original 
  • I love your imagination 
  • You're a great athlete 
  • I love how you sing 
  • You are a good friend 
  • It's ok to make mistakes 
  • You are very observant 
  • Great listening skills 
  • You are strong and healthy 
  • I have confidence in your judgment 
  • Thanks for helping 
  • Superstar 
  • You're special
  • You're making progress 
  • You've discovered the secret 
  • That's incredible 
  • You're unique